It was so nice to come in this morning and read the messages of support! I really needed to read them. My mom is great and a great support and my friends let me talk to them abou it but I think my poor Mom is just about as worn out of dealing with my ups and downs as I am but she's all the family I have left! My dad passed away 7 years ago and I was diagnosed with OCD at that time. He was a wonderful person but I don't know that he would be as understanding as my mom...but mom's are like that, aren't they?
I was walking out of work yesterday and it was kind of a nice afternoon and I suddenly missed the feeling of being "myself" from when I was on 150 mgs. I really had come a long way and now here I am again with that same feeling of being afraid and anxious all the time-admittedly much less than in the past but still it makes me so mad at myself that I did this to myself. I was trying to do it for a good reason. I've gained so much weight on Zoloft that I'm the heaviest I've ever been and I was beginning to worry about my health so that's why I thought I had to get down to the lowest dose I could to get some weight off. It wasn't vanity...well, maybe some of it was...but most of it was for my health and my self esteem but I'll tell you, I'd rather weigh more than I'm supposed to and be back in that place than feel like this...just trying to get through a minute at a time.
And now I have a new worry...what if the Zoloft doesn't work this time around? I was still on some Zoloft (25 mgs) but what if I've screwed around with the dosage so much that my body becomes resistant to it? I know it's just panic talking and I'm not the most patient person in the world...I want to feel like myself RIGHT NOW and I know I have to wait for the levels to build back up.
It's hard to explain to people who've never had to deal with something like this that you can't just make it go away and because it's the chemicals in your brain...there's really no "safe" place to go...I mean, your brain is always with you, right? LOL...
And it's so hard for me not to give in to the anxiety that OCD generates for me. Does that mean I'm a weak person? I don't think I am but when I'm in the middle of it, it's like it wrestles me to the ground and is just stronger than I am.
Anyway...thanks so much for your words of support and sharing your stories. It really does make me feel so much less alone and I really need that right now.
Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 3/2/2007 5:58:02 PM (GMT-7)
I was dx with anxiety and OCD about 7 months ago. I really didn't believe the OCD part, I thought the Neuro was nuts. Now after being on Zolft 100mgs, I realize OCD is a big part of my life, I have noticed so many things about myself that are obsessive, it's hard to believe. This board has taught me allot.