Welcome to HW! -- I hope you find lots of help here, as I have done.
I'm so sorry you feel this bad. I don't know how long you'd been on the zoloft, but if you'd left it more than a month and the feelings you were having were still bad, I'd say maybe this was not the right med for you. I hope you *will* think about trying a different one: as you say, the feelings you are having at present and your attempts to smile and pretend are wearing you out -- IMO you need to find something to help.
It sounds like, with this being linked I'm guessing to your daughter's death, you could really do with some therapy to help you. I would also say that the shock of what happened may have changed your bodies chemicals a bit to trigger the depression. That's where anti-depressants can really help: when they are the right ones *for you*, they don't take away your humanness or change *you*, but they do help correct that chemical imbalance that is present. At the moment you're looking at it as you don't want to have to take a pill to feel happy: the other way of looking at it is that the shock and depression you are suffering from are *stopping* you from being happy, or indeed experiencing any other real emotion -- except lethargy and sadness. To me, it's *depression* that takes away "us", rather than the meds (they help restore "us" to ourselves). It's also a good idea to be on anti-depressants if you're starting therapy because *a lot* of stuff will have to come to the surface and be dealt with: you need your personal coping ability to be as normal as possible for that. -- Again, a-ds rebalance us and get us coping normally again, rather than in a kind of constant panic mode that comes with depression and a-p.
Taking a-ds is not cheating, I believe: it's taking responsibility and taking control -- rather than letting the depression and a-p control you.
I am so sorry about your daughter's death Mamasad. That's a terrible thing for you to have gone through. I do believe, though, that your daughter would not want you to be so removed from life and the myriad of emotions that are rightfully yours. Finding a way to move out of the depression is not betraying her memory. Indeed, her death makes so much less sense than it already does if we don't connect with the life that we have. If we don't and all we want is to pass from it, then in a sense there's no reason to mourn her anymore because we're saying that things are better if people die. Depression brings with it a mass of contradictions...
Big hugs to you (((Mamasad)))
People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum