I know I come back here after a few months of forced serenity. I do have my periods where I'm actually optimistic that things might go the way I hope they do. But inevitably, something is said, done, or acted that flips the switch and automatically I feel completely useless.
And yes, once again it is work related.
After a long conversation with my father, who tried to buck me up with pep talks of just shouldering through the annoying times, I still feel a bit like a wadded up piece of tissue. Used and tossed.
And I know he's frustrated with these episodes of mine, because he said as much as politely as he could. And I can't blame him, because I'm fed up with these episodes of mine. The occasions where someone's disapproval of me just sends me into a tailspin. These things happen. I know they happen. I even know that they happen to other people. I know all of this. That it's normal not to always get things right. That it's okay to sometimes do something wrong. But, in my head I feel like I've committed a horrible personality flaw.
My father said I develop an attitude when someone critiques me or my work. Which I know is true, but how else do you stand up to someone when what they're saying isn't exactly right? I've done the sucking up and doing what everyone tells me to do, and that didn't work either.
I guess I feel like I can't handle my life correctly. Like everyone's on a different page than I am and it's written in a language I don't understand. I can't say I'm depressed about this, but I do feel pretty sad about it.
And I'm trying to remind myself in some way that I am ok. That who I am is ok, that what I do is ok. But I don't believe myself. And when others tell me that this is so, I almost don't believe them.
I feel like all my emotional issues are just now bubbling to the surface, and there's nothing that I know of that will cool them down.
Existentially, why am I here? What the heck am I supposed to be doing? And I hate that I have this victim mentality of Woe is Me. But I do.