New to this thread

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 10/6/2006 11:17 AM (GMT -7)   
I have posted on the Depression site for many months.  I have come to realize that depression takes hold of me after many months of trying to fight off anxiety which is stress induced.  I am off  depression meds and doing well.  I figure what I have to do now is get hold of dealing with the anxiety.  I am learning that anxiety is a mask for my fears that are really out of my control, such as my daughter living 1500 miles away, not knowing a sole where she is and her not having dealth with some pretty serious emotional issues.  I so want her life to be what she wants it to be and I want to know that she is happy.  Well the truth is that it is up to her to make it that way.  She is an adult now and has to find her own road.  My mother's heart doesn't want her to be alone on her birthday, that is a really hard one for me.  I don't know if we will be able to afford to fly to where she is for her birthday and birthdays have always been a big deal in our family. 
 
My big challenge is to identify what the stress is that is causing the anxiety and be honest with myself about it.  My husband is a fabulous guy and I am finding once I tell him what is going on I feel so much better that it is almost like a miracle cure.  It really is all about being honest with myself which is sort of funny because I am the most up front person I know.  I have never been willing to live with issues in my life that cause stess or confrontation.  I always deal with it so I can move on.  That is why this has been such a poser, the stuff that stresses me out is mostly stuff I have no control over and my life has never been that way before. 
 
I do see a counselor (she's fabulous) and I have a pdoc for meds (She isn't fabulous.  She is more like a prescription pad with legs but the combination of both people seems to work).  I asked my pdoc for 4 pills to help me with anxiety over plane travel this summer.  That would be two for the trip out of town and two for the trip back.  She didn't  pay any attention and gave me an entire prescription with refills.  I don't like to take meds anyway so it isn't a big deal, I just thought it was weird that she didn't really pay attention to me.  She gave me the generic equivalent to Xanax.  I had not used it for general anxiety, only for total all out scardy-cat panic over airplane travel.  The other day I had an anxiety that I just couldn't shake and used the meds.  It really helped and I know that the times I will need to do that will be far and few between.  I am actually getting pretty good at figuring out what is bothering me and then dealing with it.  On top of that I am losing weight, exploring new and fun things and making plans with my husband for our future.  I am going back to school, love it and by the time my kids graduate from college I will be ready for a whole new career.   Considering that the way I view myself professionally is one of my issues, I's say that is pretty good. 
 
Thanks for listening.  I tune in periodically because I have found such wisdom here and great information that really helps.  My best to everyone.
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/6/2006 5:54 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so happy that you decided to post here .....I have read your posts in depression forum
Keep dropping by good news is always welcomed
Take care and be well
Lyn
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
         Don't Comprimise Yourself :you are all you have    
 Never Give up on Yourself ,Your True friends nor your Dignity
   


CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 10/7/2006 3:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Strong --

So lovely to see you here! :)

Sounds like your daughter's situation is the biggest stress on you at the moment -- you seem to be doing so well keeping other things well under control. When do you next see her? Could you find a time for just mother and daughter and really talk these things out with her? -- Might help her to open up about her own issues too. It could be a fun day too, but definitely a day when you lay on the table all your worries about her being so far away and how much you want for her. Like you said, when you get things into the open with your wonderful hubby, that really helps: maybe you'd get the same from doing so with your daughter -- and I do think it would help her to get things in the open. Maybe you could go and stay with her (get those meds out for another plane journey eh?!). It might do you both good for her to be able to "show off" her home area, and kind of humanise your vision of it. I don't know, you may have done this before. -- But combined with a mother-daughter confessional, I think this might be really good for both of you.

Stay fabulous Strong!

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/7/2006 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Great advice Rosie sista mine .........How are ya
Luvs ya
Sis
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
         Don't Comprimise Yourself :you are all you have    
 Never Give up on Yourself ,Your True friends nor your Dignity
   


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 10/10/2006 11:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much for your replies.  I am sorry I have been gone for  a while.  I was really busy, had a great week and also struggled through a few bad days.  One of the other threads asked the quesions do hormones at "that time of the month" effect anxiety.  My answer is unequivically YEAH!!
 
You all had such great things to say. I have been to the town my daughter is living in.  We went to check out the school on a vacation this summer then, when she drove down there with my husband, my son and I flew down to help with the move in.  I don't have any qualms about where she is, the problem is her steadfast refusal to engage in meaningful conversation.  I can poor my heart out to her and she is completely numb to me.  
 
 I had a break through aha this week.  Daughter has the notion that we neglected her as a kid.  This is because son was such a challenging, often frustrated kid who needed lots of attention not only to get him through his stuff but also to protect the family from his frustrations.  Whose job was that?  You got it, me!    There were times when I had to physically protect myself from him when he was a kid.  At those times daughter just faded away out of the area.  I can remember thinking that it was good that she went outside or up to her room because then she was not in the middle of it.  She didn't really find her voice until she was about 10 and that is when I finally heard her start to say what she needed.  Then the dark teenage years hit and she isolated me completely and even though the darkness has lifted she has kept things that way ever since.  She did have a specific traumatic childhood event that at the time we were advised not to push talking to her about.  If she brough it up then okay but otherwise to leave it alone.  That was the best advice available at the time and we followed it because it came from a really great therapist.  Well, I finally dealt with it a few months ago because the situation was also hurting another family member very badly.  I talked to daughter first so that she would not be surprised when I talked to the other family member.  Well she didn't say a word just knodding her head while I talked.  Now apparently she is mad at me for talking to her about this issue.  It is confusing and difficult but here is what I think.
 
Daughter grew up feeling powerless because of the difficulties that surrounded her brother and how scary that must have been for her as a little kid.  She has always naturally been a very internal, cerebral kind of person.  There were plenty of opportunities for her to talk to us, I know that is true because I made sure that there were opportunities.  There is some responsibility here on her part.  The opportunities were there and she didn't take them.  I can't be responsible for what I don't know and what she won't tell me.  When she was a teenager and it became clear that she was not going to talk to us I made sure that she had a good therapist to talk to and even though she liked the therapist, she didn't really talk about anything important there either.  So she holds everything in, doesn't acknowledge the benefit of working through negative issues or emotions and now here we are.  Who's responsibility is that?  What do I do with that?
 
My aha was that much of the anxiety is brought on by me fear that daughter may be right, that I wasn't there for her.  As soon as I realized and verbalized my fear I also realized what crap that is.  Babies don't come with instruction booklets and I am sure that there are things that I could have done better at but I was a good mom to both of my kids.   I don't know where things will lead with my daughter but I know that much.  Right now I am focusing on trying to let go of as much as I can where she is concerned.  She is almost 20 and will have to find her own road.  The problem there is that we committed to pay for college (not the problem) and she has transferred once already and is talking about transferring again because it isn't the place that makes here happy.  Daughter is looking for external things to make her happy instead of happiness coming from within.  It is hard to watch.  She will be home for 3 days at Thanksgiving, we will see how it goes.
 
Just so you don't think that my son is a horrible person, he turned out to be a wonderful, loving, strong and determined adult.  One of the reasons this is so is that I never gave up on him.  I won't give up on my daughter either but I am stumped by this one. 
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


JKRsGirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 10/10/2006 6:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Strong,
Of course babies don't come with instruction manuals. I thought my mother was clueless about life up until I moved out of my parents' house and started to understand her struggles. Lots of kids feel neglected. What your daughter needs to understand is that no one is perfect. Not you, she, or anyone else in the world. We don't go through without bumps, scrapes and bruises along the way. Even without kids, I can see that being a parent is a lot of trial and error. You're only trying to do the right thing for your children often forgetting about yourself in the process. Being a good parents is one of THE MOST selfless things a person can do. You give up freedoms, extra money and various other things so that your kids can have it better than you did when you were a kid. We hopefully learn from our parents' mistakes, but we are bound to make new mistakes along the way. Is it possible that she is shifting blame here? I'm by no means saying that she is to blame for whatever it was that happened to her, but it IS much easier to fight with those you love than it is to confront the true issues.

You are to be commended for raising two children that have grown up with minds of their own. The fact that she's trying to find her place in the world at that age is, I suppose, normal. Don't allow her to guilt you into thinking that you neglected her. You did what you did because you felt it was the best thing to do at the time. You were only trying to be a good mom. Tell her that and maye see that she seeks counseling to get to the real root of her issues.

That's just my two cents.
Life's a journey, not a destination ~ Aerosmith
A good friend is one who thinks you're a good egg even though you're half-cracked.


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/11/2006 2:38 AM (GMT -7)   
How are you doing lately
Lyn
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
         Don't Comprimise Yourself :you are all you have    
 Never Give up on Yourself ,Your True friends nor your Dignity
   


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 10/11/2006 9:59 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks JKRsGirl.  If it were only as simple as telling her how I feel.  I can do that!  It is that what I feel doesn't seem to make any difference to her.  She truly turns a deaf ear to my emotional side of this.  Either that or it creates so much guilt in her that she can't seem to handle it. 

JKRsGirl and  Howlnycat - I have been doing great since I realized what most of my anxiety is all about (or perhaps since my period is over, guess I'll find out next month tongue  )   I just have this incredible sense of sadness over the idea that she won't talk to me, doesn't seem to care about how I feel and that she uses silence as a powerful weapon.  She doesn't use silence to get what she wants, she isn't manipulative like that, but she uses silence to make herself more powerful.  Does that make sense?  The thing in the world that is my greatest sadness is the idea that we may never be easy with each other and that if that comes to pass, that great sadness doesn't actually kill you.  You  just have to live with it.  No, I am not wishing myself dead, I am wishing that I could easily call her up and we would actually have things to share with each other.  In all other relationships in my life I have not put up with people who do not treat me well.  Your kids are a whole different ball of wax.  No, I have never put up with abusive language or bad treatment from my kids but how do you fight silence? 


Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 10/12/2006 12:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Strong,

Well, I am really glad that your anxiety is down and you can see what's been causing it, even if the problem remains. It sounds like a difficult one -- and, yes, I guess has a lot to do with her feeling that the attention was away from her when she was younger (which I can see couldn't really be helped!!). To be honest, if her feelings developed over a long period of time, there probably isn't an easy or a quick fix -- there's gentle work over another extended period. It sounds like her silence might be a kind of protection -- and something she learned as a child -- all that disappearing to her room, etc.: oddly, given all your problems back then with your son, it sounds like she felt like *she* was the odd one, and she may well associate you (and the rest of your family) with an "oddness" by default.

I had something like this when I was younger. My younger sister was always very much the centre of attention -- very loud and quite problematic, particularly with me. She'd had an accident in a playground when she was little, and for years mum and dad went really gentle of her because they were worried her bump on the head then had caused some damage (guilt I think for not being able to stop it happening). I would see her getting away with all sorts -- being completely obnoxious and never getting into trouble because "it might be due to the fall"! -- Well, it wasn't!! -- Nothing wrong with her at all in fact except that she'd been allowed to get away with blue murder for years. Anyway, I used to hide myself in my room of my own accord, and always felt like the odd one out. I know I carried quite a lot of resentment about this into my late 20s, early 30s (particularly towards my sister for taking advantage, but also towards my parents for not putting their foot down with her like they did with the rest of us). It was only as I got a bit older and started finding my independence, and with it my sense of who I *was* rather than who I was not, that I started feeling easier around my parents and found myself chatting to them on an adult-adult basis, and understanding more what they'd been through and how hard they'd tried ... and simply that parenting is not easy!! There was no one thing that changed -- but over time, age, more maturity and independence really did the trick. So I guess I'm saying that this may not clear up over night, but it will very likely clear up as your daughter begins to see things in a more adult way. And her being away and finding her own sense of who she is will probably be crucial in that.

So I suppose my position has slightly changed since I found out more from you about this: be gentle with her and don't expect too much too soon. -- Just shoot the breeze with her for a while, if that's all she can do and feel comfortable with. In time that will change. And maybe send her the odd thing in the post -- cut-outs from magazines that you think will appeal, that kind of thing ("I saw this and thought of you") -- little things that don't put on any pressure but that remind her that you do care and think about her.

As an interesting sidebar to my own experience, one thing I never "got" as a kid was that my younger sister who did all the playing up was particularly bad with me because she felt that I got more attention because I was the quiet, good grades and artistic one! -- So effectively, our ways of reacting to the situation as it progressed just exaccerbated the situation. For years we basically "loved each other because we're sisters" but disliked each other intensely. Then one day, long after we both left home, I had to stay over at hers and we started chatting. It was bizarre: almost at the same time we had this peculiar realisation: we were getting along and *liked( each other!! We laughed our heads off!! :) Particularly ironic since mum and dad were always trying to make us hug and make up when we were younger and that just made things between us worse! -- They were so relieved when they found out we were getting on. -- My reaction: if we hadn't always been pushed like that, we'd probably have got over the problem much sooner!! That's just humans -- especially kids! :)

Be gentle with yourself on this one Strong, and be gentle with her: all of these things are part and parcel of family and growing up politics. They settle down in time, and do so pretty naturally as the child begins to see things with a more rounded perspective. If she's sending out signals for people to back off, respect it but don't feel that backing off means no contact or any sort of abandonment: as I say, little things like sending a newspaper cutting or phoning up to tell her something funny that happened will help reduce the tension. I know I used to clam up entirely when my mum wanted to discuss "feelings" and it was worse if she pushed. That sorted itself out with the rest though.

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum


normalsnofun
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 2500
   Posted 10/12/2006 4:13 AM (GMT -7)   
I havent responded to this point cause I seem to be on the wrong side of the picture and still am. I am more or less in your daughters shoes. So for now as I seem to be on the wrong side of the fence I will not comment any further.
--Michelle

...I dont want the world to see me, 'cause I dont think that they'd understand
When everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am..."
--Goo Goo Dolls

"Those who are different change the world,
Those who are the same keep it that way."


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 10/12/2006 4:41 PM (GMT -7)   

Normal, it isn't about choosing sides, it is about helping each other through the rough stuff.  I don't want to make my daughter sound like a horrible person because she isn't. She is the most amazing person that I know and that is why this is so difficult.  I know that she is hurting but so am I. While she was in her room I was dealing with my son.  He was beating on me while she was safe in her room.  She isn't responsible for that.   Now that we are all adults it should however count for something. 

CounterClockwise your wisdom is what I know to be true, that doesn't make it any easier.  I feel like we are wasting precious time right now.  I suppose that is what comes of not knowing that we will ever be able to work through this.  If I knew that she wanted things to change but just wasn't ready it would be easier.

 I have always been there for my kids and I know that, daughter is not an exception to that rule. I was and am a good mom and despite all the difficulties they are both great people who have a lot to give to the world. 

 I have always told my kids that life can be difficult and the only thing that makes it worthwhile is being there for each other. 


Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 10/13/2006 1:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Strong,

You know what, *none* of this time is time wasted! -- For me all those years of adjusting and gentle prods from mum and dad (yes, they did the cuttings thing!) was what made my pretty darn great family relations today possible -- and I feel like I know myself and my family better for it. -- The situation that caused the difficulty was kind of inevitable; the process that turned things around was invaluable -- in the end, far more important than the problem, and I honestly believe that things became better for it than they might have been had everything been very "smooth" (which I also think is well-nigh impossible with kids and parents!!). I now bear no resentment for the way things played out when I was little: we *all* played our parts in turning things into what they became, but we also *all* played our parts in turning things around. Seeing that turn around was wonderful for me -- and for mum, dad, and Cas (my younger sister). So, as I say, not time wasted -- *important* time: time when I really began to learn about my parents' love for their kids and my love for them and how to deal with my issues -- and even that I have a great sister!! :)

Your daughter may not even know now if she wants things to change: that doesn't matter in a sense. I certainly didn't know this on any conscious level -- and I certainly *wasn't* keen to be friends with my sister lol. Gradually we respond to kindness, and we hear others' stories about their childhoods, and we find ourselves at a different point, and a point where we realise that this is all part of life. For all people try to tell you that when you're young, you never really want to hear it, and the only way we learn is through a bit of experience. This is not time wasted for your daughter either.

I know this is so hard for you Strong -- a testament to your love for your kids. Just keep reminding yourself that in an ongoing process no time is ever wasted (and life in general is an ongoing process!). We all want to see the house rather than the foundations: foundations are underground and are far from exciting; spending all that time and digging so hard and building can seem like such a fruitless task. But without the slow work on the foundations, the house wouldn't stand for long; and, with the foundations done, you start to see results and a new house very quickly.

Love and hugs to you (((Strong)))

Rosie xx
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Moderator, Bipolar Forum


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/13/2006 3:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Strong
Relate Heck I feel everything you are saying right down to my toes
Only it was my Mom that used her "SILENCE" as a weapon prior to the Alzheimers and it hurt so much more than any nasty words ever could have at least for me
In turn I finf I wa shutting peeps out 'I know I cannot do that to my daughter will not have her feel the pain i felt and still remember oh to vividly
Those parenting handbooks are non existent we do what we can the best way we know how
The biggest things we need to have for our children is the
"umconditiontional LOVE
mutual RESPECT
Acceptance of one anothers flaws
Being able to know love is there w/o saying it all the time
Yet hearing 'I love you " and knowing it comes from the heart feels sooo good too
I was the only sibling that did anything /all for my parents and still am ( mom passed almost 8 mths ago ) UNLESS there was something in t for them they could not be bothered
Teach our children to have Empathy
Communicate thats a biggie because of moms Weapon.......
Your daughter knows she is pushing those buttons that hurt you the most IMO I may be wrong but .....
If she dont want to talk write her a long letter of what is has and will go on in your lives
I would love the chance to tell her time is way to short for this I NEVER thought I would be without Mom and here I am,stummbling and struggling thru every dang day w/o her it will get easier all tell me I am sure it will but right now I wish I could have back all those "SILENT MOMENTS" in time with her
If I knew then what I know now::: YOU are a great mom know this and stay strong in this
I am glad you have become an active member of HW and part of our Lil Family........
You will always find support her never judgement or rudeness
We ARE your soft place to land okay
You be well
It will get better I think perhaps if you write that letter or Hog tie her lol.....kidding ........she is wasting precious precious time and memories are being lost by this
I hope things change for you's real quick
You be well
TTYL
Lyn
Great input sista mine ........Luvs ya
Always remember we are here ...........you are Canadian too EH lol
 


    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
         Don't Comprimise Yourself :you are all you have    
 Never Give up on Yourself ,Your True friends nor your Dignity
   

Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 10/13/2006 5:00:05 AM (GMT-6)


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 10/13/2006 12:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I have thought about writing letters over and over again. It used to feel risky because I can be honest with my daughter about how I feel but it doesn't seem like it penetrates the stone wall. It has been on my mind lately and I know that I will start writing them this weekend. Perhaps just one a week about what is going on at home, then we'll see what is happening.

Thanks so much for being there.

Howlyncat - SUEY!!!!

Take Care,
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, December 10, 2016 5:49 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,803 posts in 301,336 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151439 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, owillie.
194 Guest(s), 10 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Psilociraptor, summer16, Loutucky, mrs. george, Ineedhelp, biker90, U B Tough, dbwilco, ChickenArise, iPoop


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer