Explaining the Unexplainable...

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janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 10/11/2006 9:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Okay, so tomorrow is my pdoc appt. as I said in a previous thread. Now WHAT exactly am I going to say?!? If anyone can relate to any of the things I'm fixing to bring out, let me know. Tell me what YOU think. So here I go trying to explain something that I don't fully understand myself.
I have not been feeling too well at all. I manage to go do the things I need to do. I really would just as soon stay at home and never deal with anything again, but that's not realistic. Anyhow, when I wake up early in the day, I don't feel extremely anxy, but I feel "uncomfortable"...as in Not comfortable in my own skin...then I start to feel tinges of anxiety, though not full-blown (thank heaven for that!) I compare my feelings of "discomfort" like this: Suppose you had a chair that had a sharp pin in it's back support. When you went to lean back, it would prick you. So you keep leaning forward to avoid the prick, but therefore, you can never really relax. Another thing I've been feeling everyday is a feeling of sadness and fear. Sad that I'm the way I am and fearful of never getting better again. (I know...I'm Miss Negativity!) I don't enkoy anything too much any more. I don't look forward to anything. Food has lost most of it's appeal too. My whole world is in shades of gray. A part of me wants to cry, but I CAN'T. I feel really lost...I've also had diarrhea, likely from IBS. I'm constantly tense and have gotten some tension headaches...
By the late evening, I usually tend to start feeling better. At night, I feel at my best. I don't want to go to bed though cuz then it all starts over again the next day. Has anyone got any ideas here? A clue as to what's going on with me??? I've dealt with depression and anxiety for years and am thankful for these past 8 years where I had things fairly stable for the most part. But this time, I just feel "different" and I can't fully explain it...as far as I can tell, cutting the Zoloft down to 100mg from 200mg hasn't been any big deal. Now when he had me try the 50mg, it WAS a big deal! ARGH!!!
So I hope someone will have some notions about my case.
Thanks and I appreciate you all!
janet
Yesterday's dead
Tomorrow's unknown
Today is here
And soon will be gone.
Use it wisely
Before it's too late
Remember to love
And forget to hate.
janet


Scaredy Cat
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 23937
   Posted 10/11/2006 10:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi j.l.! I think that you did a brilliant job of explaining how you feel. The pin in the chair analogy was great-your doc will totally get it. I wish you the best of luck at your visit. Just take a deep breath, and start talking-like you talk to us. He/she is trained to pinpoint your problem through your explaination of symptoms and you are great with words, so it should go really well. Post soon and let us know how it went.

Take Care
Scaredy Cat
"Courage is not the absence of fear...it is being afraid, and doing it anyway!"


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 10/12/2006 12:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Fabulous explanation and I totally relate. about 25 years ago, before I knew about depression and how it affects my life, I used to feel exactly the same way. I always felt better at night because I didn't have the entire long day stretching out before me that I had to "make it through." I also knew that my husband would be home and I didn't have to fight the struggle by myself. I love the night, it is cool and gentle. Night has sleep and when one sleeps the possibilities of the next day dawning a great day are endless. When the day does come and nothing is better than the anxiety and stress set in and multiply layer upon layer as the day wears on. It was all about stress and a lack of control in my life that caused the anxiety. I had to take charge.

You said to tell you what we think but I am ever aware of not hurting you. Your life is not your own and the stress of that must be responsible for at least part of what you feel. You are living with a person who often is not the most supportive of you, even if she doesn't mean to hurt you, that also must be at least part of what you feel. What I think is that you are a wonderful, compassionate, intelligent and loving person who is in an untenable situation at present. I do not know what I would do in your shoes but I do know that what you feel is perfectly "normal" under the conditions in which you survive. Scardey Cat is right, take a deep breath and keep talking. I think you have enourmous courage and we are here for you.

Anna

"Courage is not the absence of fear...it is being afraid, and doing it anyway!" Scardey Cat, that has always been one of my favorite phrases. Another one is something that Babe Ruth said, "it's hard to beat a person who never gives up".
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/12/2006 5:38 AM (GMT -6)   
I am able to decipher all of that sis
you really have to write all this down take it to that pdoc and tell the whole truth all of it what you have just said better yet cut and paste if you can
The pdoc has to know that you are severly depressed you fell broken and not fixable
you have no self worth no interest in eating
Basically you are just being .......You will be givig up if not already
I want to see the old Janet back thee one that use to have us laughing our butts off writing poems and jokes a plenty
You know I dont pull punches with you janet my sweetie I care about you and U have changed the ones that know you from before see that read that in your posts
we want you to get help and come back to us
YOU are not broken .......
You are WORTH everything to us
You have to eat
Yo u have family here that truly do love and care for you
Please take thesess notes to your doc do not put up with more med changes and "well see crap"
YOU need help now.......... not tomorrow
I truly believe and nothing will change my mind on this that this all spiralled when your meds were changed last time for WHATEVER the reason ya know and you now that too right
I know I really miss you so you must be missing you too
just be honest and tell the doc you are at your wits end PLAINLY .......
luvs ya sis
Please let us know how it goes okay
I am with you always in spirit
you know that
Lyn
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
         Don't Comprimise Yourself :you are all you have    
 Never Give up on Yourself ,Your True friends nor your Dignity
   


normalsnofun
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 2500
   Posted 10/12/2006 8:10 AM (GMT -6)   
I think you said it all in your first post there oh and if ya really want to drive the pin thing home bring one with you to session and tell him/her if they dont understand you can demonstrate lol no really I dont condone that but I do say proint the thread and take with you. Hang in there and stand strong. *Bug HUGS*
--Michelle

...I dont want the world to see me, 'cause I dont think that they'd understand
When everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am..."
--Goo Goo Dolls

"Those who are different change the world,
Those who are the same keep it that way."


janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 10/12/2006 12:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks all. I have printed up my above post to take to the doc with me today (with a few polite alterations-it didn't change the meaning any however!)
Lyn,
Don't worry about me as to my eating...I feel better at night and eat a decent enough amount that I'm not going to waste away! Last night I ate some macaroni with cheese, broccoli and a chicken breast. And being as heavy as I am, it would take a long time to waste away anyhow! You are a dear to care about ol' me so much! And you others are too. Thank you all.
luv and hugs,
janet
Yesterday's dead
Tomorrow's unknown
Today is here
And soon will be gone.
Use it wisely
Before it's too late
Remember to love
And forget to hate.
janet


seechell
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 362
   Posted 10/12/2006 2:38 PM (GMT -6)   

Janet-

That is the way I feel most of the time. I don't want to get out of bed. If I could sleep all day, I would. I don't really care what is for dinner. I never taste it anyway and nothing ever sounds good. Sometimes I crave chocolate and carmel ice cream or maybe tapioca or rice pudding, but that's it. I don't fix the meals, my husband does. I usually don't finish because I'm full. I have diarrhea all the time. I have tension/chronic daily headaches which turn into migraine about 1/2 to 3/4 of the time. However, after I take my nighttime meds, I'm up nad want to watch tv all night, or read. I don't want to go in and go to sleep. I'm usually up until 1 or 2 in the morning, several times I've still been up when my husband is getting up to go to work. I'd rather spend my time doing nothing. It takes all my energy to do laundry (it was piled halfway up the wall and spilling out of our 2 hampers yesterday). I knew it needed to be done, just didn't care really. Finally decided I'd better or we'd be naked. I don't do the didhes or take out the trash, hubby does. I usually have no interest in talking to anyone, except you all here. I don't answer my phone, I avoid my friends alot of the time. Have lost 2 or 3 good ones because of this, they don't understand and don't know how to relate to me. I'm in school and it's what I wanted but now that I'm there, I can't do what I'm supposed to do until the deadline and then I'm rushing to get it done, procrastination is my name.

Looking at some of your other posts and having gotten to know you a little, I feel almost like we're going through the same things. I feel really close to you for some reason. I can't explain it, it's weird.

Just know that I care about you and I hope that you can get some answers from your doctor. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 


Take Care,
               Chelle
    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
  DX: ankylosing spondylitis, periferal neuropathy, chronic migraines/headaches, depression/panic attacks, hypothyroidism, hypoglycemia, orthostatic hypotension, sleep apnea
  RX: synthroid, estradiol, cymbalta, xanax, proamatine, inderal la, neurontin, torfanil pm, celebrex, sonata, aspirin, relpax, phenergan, esgic plus
  Surgeries: hysterectomy 1997, tonsillectomy 2001, deviated septum 2005, cataracts (both eyes) 2006
 
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/12/2006 2:58 PM (GMT -6)   
We are thinking about you sweetie
Do what Janet can do .........
You are strong and we know it kk
luvs ya
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
         Don't Comprimise Yourself :you are all you have    
 Never Give up on Yourself ,Your True friends nor your Dignity
   


Georgia5
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 10/12/2006 4:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Janet,

You just basically summed up how I feel when my anxiety is high. For myself morning are awful and I wake up with loads of anxiety and fear. Also when it's bad i'm not comfortable in my own skin either. And I always feel nervous, tense and shaky. Hang in there sweetie just explain to your doctor what you explained on you posts. Sending lots of hugs.

Georgia

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 10/12/2006 5:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Everyone...what can I say except that you are all so sweet to me!
I just got back from my appt. It was, well, strange...My mom went in with me as my friend Bart was unable to come (he's the elder in my congregation). Mom agrees that the pdoc is nice, but she's not so sure about him either. I almost fell on the floor when his receptionist said the visit was $140. I had sold some postcards on ebay, so had $100 I had set aside for the appt, thinking that would be the cost. the receptionist said that it's only $100 for a patient when he/she just comes in for prescription refill visits, but $140 when the doc spends more time with you than that takes...anyhow, I'll have to give it time to decide if I will continue to pay that kind of money (or should I say, let my Mom spend that kind of $$$ on me). She paid the $40 difference for me. I like him cuz he IS nice and is NOT anti-xanax. However, I think it was only cuz I was soooo anxy that he decided to go ahead and up the Paxil CR to 25mg. He told me to stop the Zoloft althogether since he has upped the Paxil now. This does worry me a bit, but he says that the extra paxil will replace the zoloft in dealing with those "receptors" in the brain. In other words, he doesn't foresee me having any withdrawal problems. I hope he's right.
I really want a doctor of my own, not being stuck with the MH clinic I've been dealing with all these years. At least with my own pdoc, I don't have to always feel like I'm at the mercy of whoever happens to see me at the clinic. I am going to wait and see how this works out for me and THEN decide if I should try a different pdoc.
Chelle,
I hate it for you, what you're going thru. Do you feel that your pdoc is a good one??? If not, I hope you'll change. I can tell that you are a very kind person. It seems that us "softies" are more prone to mental disorders than most, huh?
All you sweet folks have been so good and I am ever grateful!
hug & x's
janet
Yesterday's dead
Tomorrow's unknown
Today is here
And soon will be gone.
Use it wisely
Before it's too late
Remember to love
And forget to hate.
janet


aloisia
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/13/2006 6:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Janet

So many people say so many good and reassuring words to you and I hope they are a comfort to you. I am new to this
site and find it reassuring that what I experience is not so uncommon.
Anxiety is for me by far the worst accompaniment of depression and it takes away so much of the pleasure of living.
All of the symptoms you talk about I can truly identify with and
often I think what great courage living actually takes. Unless one has religion or another supportive philosophy, it is not easy
to come to terms with the futility of life and how finite it is. Everthing we do inbetween these two realisations are in my opinion just
avoidance techniques. And most people just DO DO DO in order to avoid these feelings of existential pain.
Of course there is much to be enjoyed too on the way but I find that I deal with my own pain and anxiety better if I allow myself to face the fact that life is hard, its often very painful. We try to make sense of it all and then the media constantly bombards us suggestions that it is all 'oh so wonderful' and then what do
those of us who feel life deeply do? We get depressed because we feel 'how come we don't manage it quite like that?' Everyone else is having so much fun and for me it is so painful.
So every morning, when the anxiety is at its worst I
say to myself ' I am a courageous person to face the day
somehow even though I feel crapty' - somebody somewhere
once said: getting out of bed every day is a tremendous
act of courage.

I need so many words to express myself - apoligies if I do go on a bit. Aloisia

Bunny_UK
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/13/2006 8:22 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi Janet

I started with anxiety about 2 months ago and the way you explain things has helped me understand some of the feelings I have. Mornings are my worst, I work and sometimes I just feel like I hide behind my desk hoping no one asks me what I have done that day.

Aloisia, I often wonder how other people manage to get through life when there are times when I find it so difficult, I think you are right that they just do do do to distract from any thoughts. I am a very deep, thoughtful person and sometimes I wish I wasn't because then I wouldn't worry myself so much!

Take care all
 
Bunny
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