I don't want to do this alone anymore...

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hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/22/2006 12:10 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone, I have been going through a major depression with intense anxiety.  I contemplated suicide.  I couldn't see a way out of the hole.  Instead, I reached out to everyone and asked for help.  I have chronic migraine and have been on state disability the last 10.5 months.  My husband left me in September after only 4 months of marriage - with an email.  I think he suffered from anxiety and depersonalization and maybe even narcisstic personality disorder.  He couldn't just admit that it was him so he projected all of it on to me.  I'm 42, a Christian woman, who waited a long time for the right guy.  He was a con man - a fraud and he fooled me and everyone in my family.  Looking back I should have gotten closer to his family and found out about this stuff because after he left they told me they knew it was gonna happen.  Anyway, he is the least of my problems now.  I am completely broke, my automobile needs repairs, my dog was diagnosed with a tumor recently, I have to go back to work, I have to find someplace to live.  I desperately need a place to stay for a couple of months so that I can get on my feet.  I have been independent since I was 18!  I'm the oldest and my parents (even then) made me feel like I was just another body that was in the way. I have no family support.  Not because they can't but because they won't -- because they are selfish.  This is how I've lived my whole life with family, friends and significant others.  When people had a need I felt like I needed to help them.  Now that I have a need, they don't feel like they need to help me.  I'm angry because now I know that even if I am at the lowest point in my life, they won't be there for me and I wish that I hadn't given so much of myself to them. I'm just amazed too because 2 strangers from my church and an aquaintence helped me by giving me a small amount of cash and buying me some groceries.  I am surprised, bewildered and hurt that my friends and family -- the ones that know how desperate I am are just saying things to me like - well what about your family?  or what about your church?  Nobody wants to be inconvenienced.  I feel very alone and scared.  I know that God will see me through this because I want to live and I want to heal.  I'm just experiencing a lot of anger right now.  I don't want to focus on the bad -- I want to focus on the good but I find myself feeling resentful of my friends and family right now.  Does anybody have any words of encouragement?
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 10/22/2006 1:15 AM (GMT -6)   
My goodness...you are one of the bravest people I know!

I wish I could wave my magic wand and all would be better for you, but somehow I think you are gonna get through all this and be a stronger person for it.

When I read your posting I find myself thinking that you have all the answers it's just a matter of putting it all together. You CAN do it and one day at a time you WILL!

You have taken the first step by writing all your thoughts and events that are happening around you - well done!
I wish you all the good luck and good fortune that you need - and a little bit more for good measure lol.

Hugs
Maree

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/22/2006 1:59 AM (GMT -6)   
Gosh Marie, thank you. I did think it might be good to write about it even though it really exposes me. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/22/2006 5:00 AM (GMT -6)   
All I have to say hun is I have been where you are and I refuse to let them make me feel that I am not worth anything
I am a good person and will try my best to always be there for others
Yes I too have had to go to strangers and my Church yrs ago for help i would not even ask for the money to get Cait milk from family
I have come along way with this and I know you can do it too
We are your support here and there is no shame in having to ask for help sometimes
Take care and just ry to find peace within yourself
Lyn
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
         Don't Comprimise Yourself :you are all you have    
 Never Give up on Yourself ,Your True friends nor your Dignity
   


JKRsGirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 10/22/2006 10:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi hopeful,
Sometimes the saying that blood is thicker than water doesn't always apply, does it? I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. You are a strong and brave woman. "HW and friends" will be here to listen and support you. It's a big step to tell others what you're going through. You're going to have to take it one day at a time because that's the way life gets handed out. I agree with Maree, you WILL get through this. You will not only get through this, but you'll see that you've managed to take all that life has given you and become an even stronger, more self-reliant person. Lyn is correct by saying that there is no shame in asking for help when you need it. I've read Lyn's posts so I can say that she too has had some very difficult times and she always managed to not only help myself and others, but made sure that her children and her have the best life possible. In other words, she knows what she's talking about. When Lyn says that you can do it, she speaks from experience! Keep thinking positive and let your friends at HW support you. Keep thinking that you can and eventually the thought will become reality! God Bless.
Life's a journey, not a destination ~ Aerosmith
A good friend is one who thinks you're a good egg even though you're half-cracked.


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/22/2006 2:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Lyn & JK -- thank you so very much for stopping by to offer encouragement.  Yesterday was the anger -- today the depression again.  When I was angry I wasn't depressed but I asked God to take the anger away because having bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart is not me.  I have managed to stay hopeful in this life in spite of the hardships.  Also, when I was angry I wanted to withdraw from everybody.   Today I feel more alone than ever.  I'm glad to have people at HW that understand what I'm going through.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


shell67
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 1268
   Posted 10/22/2006 3:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi hopeful, just wanted to say im sorry its been so hard for you, and we are here for you. you cant find better help than lyn and the rest of the wonderful ppls here. Hope you feel better soon, I feel alone quite often, and i have days of anger. To much of a past, but its getting easier, friends, time and forgiveness helps, just takes more time than we want ;) hugs, big hugs
shell
" Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now, in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed."
Eileen Caddy


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/22/2006 5:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you, Eileen. I sure do appreciate your kind words and cyber hugs.
P.S. I like your quote.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


Georgia5
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 10/22/2006 5:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Hopeful,

My thoughts and prayers go out to you. You have a lot going on sweetheart I’m so very sorry. Hang in there things will get better and remember God only gives us as much as we can handle. When things get better you will be so strong and have a lot of wisdom from this experience. Keep posting there are wonderful caring people on this board. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

Georgia

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/22/2006 5:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Georgia -- especially for your prayers -- I need them. I was angry with God because he was giving me so much to handle. I told him -- is wanting to kill myself handling it? I'm not handling it! He must know something that I don't - that I can. If I get through this I will be stronger than ever but I must be destined to be pretty darn strong because this isn't the first time I've gone through the "dark night of the soul." Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


Shebig
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 10/22/2006 6:51 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi Hopeful

Keeping you in my  thoughts and prayers. Yes you will be stronger once you have gone through this trial, but I think you are allot stronger than you think you are. Your positive personality and strenght show right through the anxiety. When I need help my church is the first I turn to, and now I come here as well, the people here have been soooo good to me. I hope things get better for you soon.

Hugs Judy smurf


greyhound
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 277
   Posted 10/22/2006 8:13 PM (GMT -6)   
I feel so bad for you. Please know that you will be in my prayers.

There have been 2 times in my life that I had to start from scratch. My ex husband left me (with no warning) after 10 years of marriage...for a man. I had no where to go, no car, etc. Then I lost my job, had surgery and complications, and could not work for 6 months.

Lean on the Lord and He will carry you through. Please feel free to PM me. God bless you. Can I do anything for you?
Adopt a retired racing greyhound


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/22/2006 8:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Judy & Greyhound, thank you so much for taking the time to offer me words of encouragement. I prayed that God would take away the anger. In a weird way I am going through a grieving stage over finding out that I am so alone and that I have been disallusioned by life and people and humanity. Greyhound, what is a PM?
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


greyhound
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 277
   Posted 10/22/2006 9:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh I feel silly. PM is a private message but I guess that isn't an option on this site. See my profile for contact info. God bless.
Adopt a retired racing greyhound


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/23/2006 10:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Greyhound -- I sent you a PM. I'm having one of my worst days ever. I am clinically depressed and TERRIFIED of life right now. I don't know what to do.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 10/24/2006 3:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Oh Hopeful, I think you are incredibly brave...I couldn't imagine coping with all of that at once and keeping faith.  My thoughts are with you (((((Big Hugs))))).  I guess the only words I can say that might help is that this will pass.  I promise.  Keep your wonderful sense of compassion and try not to get to angry.  I know that's hard, but it only will hurt you and not the family who are failing to give you the support you deserve.  Again, my prayers are for you today.  Stay amazing!!!

Dance like no-one's watching
NervyMeg


Annuk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1308
   Posted 10/24/2006 3:33 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Hopeful,

Sorry I missed this up to now, my word your situation is so similar to mine. I too am tired of riding the rollercoaster of family judgements, migraine (inc. the investigations that are going on at the moment) and keeping going for my son who is pushing the boundaries to extremes again. Plus keeping a job and my sanity and doing all this alone!!!! My church struggle to understand the incessantness of my situation. Hang in there girl, I do know one thing that God will not allow you to go through more than you can handle, so if it seems too much I think it is a fair indication of how much He believes in you!!!! He will never allow you to go through this without providing support - I ought to take notice of my own advice here methinks!!!! lol.

Greyhound,

You are so brave to tell of your situation on here, which leads me to say to you I actually know how you feel, really know I mean, as my first husband of 12 years left me and my 2 year old son suddenly for a man too! - that was 15 years ago! My 2nd husband couldn't cope with my health either and that marriage ended after 7 years! If you want to talk please feel free to email me!

take care

Ann

seechell
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 362
   Posted 10/24/2006 3:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear Hopeful-
I too suffer from chronic daily headaches and chronic migraines. I understand some of what you're going through. My ex was an a**. He treated me like I was crazy and that there was nothing wrong with me that I couldn't control. Guess what? I left him and I was terrified! It was by far the gutsiest move I've ever made. I thought it was hopeless and felt ready to give up. Then a ray of sunshine broke through my cloud of gloom and doom. My current hubby. He's my lobster! If you watch friends, you'll get that statement. I thought I'd be old and gray and alone forever. There IS a ray of hope out there. You just have to find it. Whether it be a new man, a breakthrough in your depression, or something even more wonderful. Just be patient. I know, I'm better at giving advise than taking it or listening to my own. But please don't let it all pile up. You'll make yourself sick. Take it one thing at a time.

Michelle
p.s. You can use my e-mail and contact me if you need to. I'm always willing to listen.
Take Care,
               Chelle
    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
  DX: ankylosing spondylitis, periferal neuropathy, chronic migraines/headaches, depression/panic attacks, probable Bi-Polar, hypothyroidism, hypoglycemia, orthostatic hypotension, sleep apnea
  RX: synthroid, estradiol, cymbalta, xanax, proamatine, inderal la, neurontin, torfanil pm, celebrex, sonata, aspirin, relpax, phenergan, esgic plus
  Surgeries: hysterectomy 1997, tonsillectomy 2001, deviated septum 2005, cataracts (both eyes) 2006
 
 


mingmalefactor
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 10/24/2006 5:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Hang in there! Life goes in cycles. Things will turn up. You need not feel depressed about the husband at least, because you know darn well you were too good for him if he was going to drop and run like that. Trust in the flow of the universe. Trust in God.
Was on Zoloft for ten years. Trying to go natural for 7 months now, very difficult. Diagnosis: Depersonalization/Derealization, Panic, GAD, mild-OCD, mild-Depression.


MsKittie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 789
   Posted 10/24/2006 6:32 AM (GMT -6)   

Hello Hopeful,

I'm so sorry to hear your having to go thru all of this but your not alone. I have been reading all of these post from so many caring and supportive friends you have made here, so let all of us help you thru this fight back to the top. You will servive. God bless you and all.


(((HUGS)))
   MsKittie
 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
I have an illness, My illness don't have me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

 


shell67
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 1268
   Posted 10/24/2006 12:03 PM (GMT -6)   
hi hopeful you can do this i had to relocate with three kids although two were teenagers i had ten days to find a place for them
you never knew where the good will come from but it always comes from somewhere
so far i have put myself through school have a decent house and even with the panic still around its better than the alternative
maybe your lucky he left when he did id look at it that way
take care and god bless
shell
" Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now, in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed."
Eileen Caddy


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/24/2006 12:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you, everyone for your awesome support. I can't even tell you how much it means to me to log on to my computer (my link to the outside world) and read words of encouragement -- even from strangers. That's God working in mysterious ways. I have let go of the anger - I know that it does me absolutely no good. In a wierd way I am grieving the reality that I am alone to fend for myself no matter how bad things get. Of course, I have had some support and I am very GRATEFUL for that. I don't want to lose sight of the good things. You all are part of the half-full glass. THANK YOU again and may God heal you and bless you.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."

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