dealing with unfaithfulness

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Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 12/19/2006 3:15 PM (GMT -7)   
I am putting this as I can't take it anymore. I just found out that he is having an affair with another woman. And at first I have been in shock, but now I can't take it anymore. I am fed up and disgusted. I have 2 kids. Married for 20 years. I don't know what to do anymore. I told my doctor and was told to see a lawyer to prepare myself. I am trying to remain calm, and haven't confronted him at all yet! I am not going to confront him because that will only lead to lies and denials. I know that.
 
I don't know what to do anymore....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sad & Angry
 
God grant me the grace to accept my life.
 
 


worrier247
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 97
   Posted 12/19/2006 5:08 PM (GMT -7)   
TELL HIM TO HIT THE ROAD!!!  If you already know for sure, you don't need to give him any explanations.  I was pregnant with my second child when I found out the father of my kids was having an affair.  It was absolute hell for me, but the second I found out, he was out the door.  Of course today he absolutely regrets it (as they always do in the end), and he wants to be with me, but no way in hell would i take that lying cheater back in my life!  All I have to do is think about how I cried my whole pregnancy and didn't enjoy it as much as I should have.  I know how it feels, and that feeling of betrayal is one of the worst you could possibly feel.  I just caught my current boyfriend lying to me regarding his ex last week.  It turned out he wasn't cheating, but me, being obsessive compulsive, kept thinking of scenarios of him and her and it drove me up the wall.  Today was the first time since last week, that i didn't have an anxiety attack.  What made me get through it when the father of my children cheated, was that I have my children, they are alive and well, so forget him.  It took me a whole year of crying and like you said, feelings of disgust, but in the long run, you will become a much stronger person.  Plus, do you really want to be under the same roof as someone who has not been faithful?

jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 12/19/2006 7:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there
Normally I would say the same as worrier..but there would be only one thing holding me back right now and that would be that it's christmas..I know many will disagree with me but I feel if you can hold back until after xmas I think it may be a little traumatic for your children.
Have you managed to talk to your husband in some sort of reasonable manner yet - I know it's gonna be difficult?!
Does he know that you want him to leave etc.?
Are your children old enough to know what is going on?
the list goes on..
Hope you manage to sort out a few things before christmas.
Maree

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/20/2006 4:23 AM (GMT -7)   
I did exactly what worrier did and YES I became stronger,I could /would not live under that roof with him one more sec after finding out about it 
BUT I too think Maree has a good point
THE KIDS didnt do this HE did so I feel they at least deserve a great christmas I know it will tear your guts out but for your kids I know anything is possible
I dont think it matters how old they are well maybe if over 30 or so and not at home then you could tell them but the teens would react the same:
hurt betrayed not just by dad but by you as well .......THATS where you will have to hold your ground
YOU did no wrong here yet your kids will lash out at both especially at Christmas .......
and it will forever be a " Horrid Holiday" for them IMO
This is a hard one and a debaable one but I think If I were you I would do as Maree said and wait til after the holidays IF you can .........
So sorry really ...........

Lots of heartfelt huggs and prayers coming your way Sad
Lyn




















    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......You can Do It........We are Here For You 
 Happy Holidays and all the Best in 2007 .........
               God Bless .........Lyn

Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 12/20/2006 6:05:09 AM (GMT-7)


normalsnofun
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 2500
   Posted 12/20/2006 5:26 AM (GMT -7)   
As this topic hits hard to home but kids are involved I will put in my 2 cents. I am a child of divorce (after the age of 20) and it was apparently due to infidelity. As the child side of this I agree dont send it flying before christmas. I THINK if i remember *thinking back* my parents sprung it into the open a little before thanksgiving. It messed up not only thanksgiving but christmas too. I think now that I look back it is one of the reasons I still have extra problems around holidays. another thing I suggest is dont try and drill into your kids heads how bad thier dad is let them come to thier own decisions. sorry for rambling I think you mighta gotten a lil more than my 2 cents lol hang in there and consider it but do what YOU have to do. Just remember you never only affect yourself.
--Michelle
Help Support the forums: www.healingwell.com/donate
...I dont want the world to see me, 'cause I dont think that they'd understand
When everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am..."
--Goo Goo Dolls

"Those who are different change the world,
Those who are the same keep it that way."

“We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”
--George Bernard Shaw


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/20/2006 6:06 AM (GMT -7)   
I was hoping you would add to this my lil one
Luvs ya
mom
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......You can Do It........We are Here For You 
 Happy Holidays and all the Best in 2007 .........
               God Bless .........Lyn


MsKittie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 789
   Posted 12/20/2006 6:28 AM (GMT -7)   
 
Honey I'm so sorry you are having to go thru all of this right now. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. My brother and I knew our dad liked other women besides our mother and we resented him for it because he liked to show us off of course we didn't know the adult side of what was going on.
 
Our mother did divorce him and always gave us the freedom of choice to see him anytime we wanted and of course as we got older we seen him for what he was. Our mother never said anything bad to or in front of us about our dad and I so respected her for that.
 
Honey I'm asking you to please wait untill after the holidays to do anything. You have put up with this man for 20 years another week won't make a differance.
 
God bless you and your children

(((HUGS)))
   MsKittie
 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
I have an illness, My illness don't have me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*                                      
 
Being happy doesnt mean everything's perfect.It means you've decided to see beyound the imperfrctions!God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but HE did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears & light for the way                                        

 

 


Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 12/20/2006 10:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, thank you, all for your messages.
 
It was just weeks ago, that I was able to come out of the depression by changing medication and by taking Effexor. And this hits me. I have been crying all day, and went to see a lawyer but decided to go to the library instead and did my own research about what I am going to do. As I don't have a job etc and what my options are.
 
The situation is, my children who are teens caught him with the other woman yesterday in the mall and then followed them to a restaurant. Of course my daughter (18) had lashed out at her (other woman). When he came home I didn't want him in the house, but he said he has a right to be and stayed. (The house is in both our names) But he was drinking heavily and trying to get around the children.
 
I am not going to poison my children against their father. I had a difficult life with my parents who didn't divorce, but had a horrible home atmosphere, with daily fights, etc.... And I happened to be the receiving end of that hate that was going around by my mother.
 
As many of you have suggested, I am not going to spring any divorce actions until after Christmas. I know that both of them have been looking forward for it.
 
Right now, I don't know what my legal rights are, and if I can ask him to get out of the house.. ...etc. I don't want him here, specially because of his drinking. But yesterday I felt a strength that I never seen before, because I was ready to call the police if he became abusive...
 
Through all this, I know I have 2 great children, and I just don't want them to get affected by all this. I am in so much pain, and I know I will only go back to depression again....
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sad & Angry
 
 
 


normalsnofun
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 2500
   Posted 12/20/2006 11:40 AM (GMT -7)   
The fact they already know about it makes the situation slightly different in my eyes just be sure to assure your kids you are there if they want to talk to you about it and be careful to stay nutral in discussions.

Lyn,
Thanks I originally wasnt going to contribute but as much as it brings up I had to gotta start listening to my gut after all.
--Michelle
Help Support the forums: www.healingwell.com/donate
...I dont want the world to see me, 'cause I dont think that they'd understand
When everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am..."
--Goo Goo Dolls

"Those who are different change the world,
Those who are the same keep it that way."

“We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”
--George Bernard Shaw


MsKittie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 789
   Posted 12/20/2006 11:53 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello Sad

Honey you may fine once you do get all of this started the anger will beat out the depression. I know it's easier for me to stay mad so I don't feel the sadness and let it get me down. Your a strong women and it soulds like you have great support from your kids on this so you do what you can and god will see you thru. Bless you.


(((HUGS)))
   MsKittie
 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
I have an illness, My illness don't have me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*                                      
 
Being happy doesnt mean everything's perfect.It means you've decided to see beyound the imperfrctions!God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but HE did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears & light for the way                                        

 

 


Motherly
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 12/20/2006 12:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Sad, make sure you get all your ducks in a row with your finances.  He might be cleaning out your account as we speak.  Not trying to make you more anxious or depressed but you would probably get that way if he took everything right out from under you.  If he didn't take your wedding vows seriously then he could be a snake enough to leave you out on the street pennieless.  I'm praying for you and your children to have a wonderful holiday.  I hope I wasn't too harsh, I just don't like when men are unfaithful to their wives and mess up the security of family for the children. 
 
Motherly

bluemeanies
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 1372
   Posted 12/20/2006 12:27 PM (GMT -7)   
If your children already know then it should not matter when you go about starting the divorce proceedings. I am sorry that your kids were the ones who found out, just try to be there to talk to them about it. I am divorced and have been on my own for 14 years now. My son was 4 when I left (we share custody) and I moved out in the middle of December. It was a planned move, not sudden. I think you do need to talk to a lawyer before any moves are made. Laws vary from state to state. Do not let him be abusive to you or your children. Keep your head held high, he is the one who was wrong. I hope you and your kids have a good christmas.

worrier247
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 97
   Posted 12/20/2006 4:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Considering the ages of your children, i agree that it doesn't matter when you leave.  Although, around this time can make things more stressful for you bringing more anxiety and panic.  how are your children around their dad?  it sounds like they are pretty angered by his choices.  Are they even happy around him?  or are they cold and resentful?

Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 12/21/2006 10:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Motherly, you are right about that. about the finances. I am not good with finances, and he has already used all equity on our house.

They seem to be pretty normal around him. I know my daughter was upset yesterday, and I told her that she should not get this get her down. And that I want her to have a good time for Christmas, and B'day falls on Dec. 31. And she has planned to meet her friends on the 28th. I told her go ahead and not ruin her best time now. After that chat, she was happy.

I am trying remain strong for my children. But in my heart I feel as if the whole world is coming down. I am scared, confused and hurt by all this.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sad & Angry
 
 
 


jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 12/21/2006 11:07 AM (GMT -7)   
I think you are coping with all this really well :)
Seeking legal advice would be a fantastic idea.
Talking in some sort of reasonable manner to your husband about 'everything' would be good too..coz you need to know the answers to sooo many questions eh?
My advice would be stay in the house..don't leave - why should you anyhow?! You obviously have the support of your children and that's brilliant :)
Do you think there is the slightest chance you could forgive him for all this...or is it too late for everyone concerned?
Going to counselling would be good too..so you can get your head straight..you have heaps to deal with as you know.

Take good care. It sux that you are going thru all this..but hey, I am sure you are gonna be fine..have a little faith in yourself and your husband to do the right thing.
Maree

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/21/2006 5:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Sad
I am so bleeding sorry that you and your kids are having to cope with this
I think still it should be put off til after Holidays just so the Holidays dont have Bad memories on top of them finding him as well ya know ....just my opinion
Good to get legal advise
here in Ontario if hubby or wife leave house and come back abusive the police will stop that one from coming in then the one abusive can have a restraining order put on them
I do wish you all the best and again I am so sorry
keeping you and your kids in heart thoughts and prayers
Lyn


    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......You can Do It........We are Here For You 
 Happy Holidays and all the Best in 2007 .........
               God Bless .........Lyn
 
          All The Best In 2007 To Everyone 
                                  
                          
                                   Lyn

Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 12/29/2006 11:03:18 AM (GMT-7)


Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 12/22/2006 3:30 PM (GMT -7)   
It is very hard for me. Every minute of the day, my mind is about this and I can't get my mind off. I have been reading books on divorce and about where I stand.

My children are feeling awful too.

I am not taking desicions now and I am trying to take one step at a time and see where this is going. If he becomes abusive, then I will take the action I have to take by calling the police.

Its hard for me, but I am trusting the Lord, and hope for his strength in all of this.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sad & Angry
 
 
 


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 12/22/2006 3:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I didn't have a child at home,BUT I threw him out,he got abusive,I had a order filled out to keep him away the police came & told him he could go on his own accord or they could excort him out.Rather than fight he got his clothes together & left,with the cops watching.................
SnowyLynne


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/23/2006 5:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks snowy for your input always appreciated and glad to have you here in A/P
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......You can Do It........We are Here For You 
 Happy Holidays and all the Best in 2007 .........
               God Bless .........Lyn


shell67
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 1268
   Posted 12/23/2006 7:57 AM (GMT -7)   
oh sad, im so sorry for all the things youve been through, i know how hard it is on kids, my ex was so horrible, i wont go into that, but......my kids had a rough time with it, but when they got a lil bigger and really knew what was going on, they deal with it in their own way, they dont get along with their father, and i hate that, i thought that at least he would straighten up a lil for them, but no. My 13 year old told him the other day that he didnt claim him as his father anymore. for most ppl that would kill em, but he just acted like he was 5 and just talked back to him. Sorry, i didnt mean to ramble off like that. But, your kids are stronger than you think, and will bounce back. I went through abuse of all kinds, and when my kids figured out what was going on, and where the bruises came from, he started treating them different too. I want you to know that it will all be ok, and in the end, you will be a better person for it, its just a hard and long road, we are here to help, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Sorry for the ramble, i get tounge tied and aggrivated when it comes to men and abuse and kids. HUGE HUGS!!!
shell
" Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now, in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed."
Eileen Caddy


CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 12/23/2006 8:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Sad & Angry,
 
If there is any computer in the house that has internet access, that your husband might have used, take it immediately to a repair shop and get the harddrive duplicated.  You want a back up copy of anything that is recorded in memory.  That's the way I found out my huband was cheating on me, via the internet.  Explain to the technician what type of infomation you are looking for, which will mostly be temporary files or deleted files.  It might be a wild goose chase, but I hit paydirt.  I got all the documentation off of the computer before he had a chance to figure out how to wipe out his information.  Then I kicked him to the curb in front of both sets of parents.  I printed out selected emails, photos, and such, so he was caught redhanded.
 
Anyway, my divorce went through without much opposition.  Good luck.
 
Leigh Ann cool

"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/27/2006 9:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Sad
Thinking about you and wondering how you are doing
Luvs
Lyn
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......You can Do It........We are Here For You 
 Happy Holidays and all the Best in 2007 .........
               God Bless .........Lyn
 
          All The Best In 2007 To Everyone 
                                  
                          
                                   Lyn


Sad & Angry
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 211
   Posted 12/29/2006 9:22 AM (GMT -7)   

By last Friday, I told myself I am not going to let this get me down. I was only thinking of this, and everywhere I go, or do anything my thoughts were on this. But by Saturday I was not going to let this ruin my life and the life of my children.

Anyway I portrayed a happy self, and he must have been amazed at my sudden transformation,  well, now the household is pretty quiet.

But I am not sure I feel strong, although at one point, I was so miserable and now I feel I can take the decission I want. I don't know if it is the Meds.... redface   I called for a lawyer refferal and I am still waiting to see the lawyer. I am surprized with myself...

 

 


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sad & Angry
 
 
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/29/2006 11:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Sad '
I know it has to be hard I am proud of you
I think your strength is coming thru hun really and you know we are all here for you
Luvs
Lyn
Keep us posted please
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......You can Do It........We are Here For You 
 Happy Holidays and all the Best in 2007 .........
               God Bless .........Lyn
 
          All The Best In 2007 To Everyone 
                                  
                          
                                   Lyn


gia0315
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/29/2006 8:08 PM (GMT -7)   
sad and angry,
I will not tell you what to do,i don't know what I would do.But can I ask you,aside from feeling pissed off and hurt and i'm guessing disgusted(i'd be disgusted)Do you love your husband? Do you think that you could try to save your marriage,does he want to. I am the child of a 2x divorced mom,she tried to save her first marriage to my dad but in the end it was us,her 4 kids that told her to walk away.He beat her and she stuck it out for us...i was 7 when we told her that we think she should run away from home so he couldn't hurt her.Her 2nd husband my step dad a man that i love and adore was unfaithful-she was done trying.In the end this is up to you. If this is the first time he's been unfaithful,maybe you could work it out. But if you don't wanna i recommend doing what some one else said,having the computer checked for correspondence between him and other woman,your lawyer will love it! And sweety when you leave,make sure you leave with HALF!!!!!!! Or more if you could get it! Good luck,and I hope you feel better.
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