What do you do when you don't know what to do?

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hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 12/26/2006 10:25 PM (GMT -6)   
hi everyone, I have been suffering with severe depression.  I finally got a med adjustment and have less of the crying spells but I am now suffering with EXTREME anxiety.  My stomach is in knots.  I am terrified.  My life is a train wreck.  My State disability ran out end of November.  I have searching for employment ever since and I have had 2 job offers in the early stages of the search that were way over my head for what I can handle at this time in my life.  I have been crawling to my interviews and I have registered with several employment agencies.  My computer skills are above average and I have held many managerial jobs.  I'm just looking for an Administrative Assistant job and I can't find one.  Also, I moved 5 months ago to put a band-aid on a situation in which I was severely depressed and searched and searched for a roommate/housing situation and finally had to settle where I am at now which is very expensive overhead but cheap for the area that I live in.  I'm out of money.  I have no job and nowhere to go to live.  My doggies means the world to me.  He has kept me on this planet a couple of times when things got so bad I contemplated ending my life.  Everyday now I can't eat, I can't sleep and my stomach churns, my leg wiggles and I tense up and breathe shallow.  My life is causing this anxiety.  I don't know what to do.  I have no family to go to.  My MOm is the only one who cares and she lives in a tiny 1-bedroom rent-controlled apt. that will not allow a sublesser nor a dog.  This has been going on for so long.  I feel like my life is groundhogs day (the movie), I feel like a hamster on a wheel.  I am a good person with a loving heart and bad things just keep happening to me over and over again.  I don't want to die but I don't want to go on like this.  I would not do anything because that is a selfish and cruel act but I don't know what to do.  I have even thought that I wish I had a van or trailor so I could live in it.  I know that their is nothing anybody can really say but I could use some support.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
 
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MsKittie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 789
   Posted 12/26/2006 10:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi hopefulmigrainer
 
I'm so sorry to hear you are having to go thru all of this. Some say we have to hit rock bottom before we can find our way to the top again and it really sounds like you are there. They also say God will not put more on us then what we can handel but that one I question myself sometimes. Please try to hang in there and try checking to see if there are any temp agencys in your area. A lot of company's hire thru them now. You are in my heart and prayers please keep posting so we know how your doing.
(((HUGS)))
   MsKittie
 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
I have an illness, My illness don't have me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*                                      
 
Being happy doesnt mean everything's perfect.It means you've decided to see beyound the imperfrctions!God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but HE did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears & light for the way                                        

 

 


freezinginAK
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1052
   Posted 12/26/2006 11:13 PM (GMT -6)   

  I'm too so sorry to hear that you have hit rock bottom Hopefulmigrainer you are so helpfull as a  person to have to go though such a hard time I really wish you the best and like MsKittie said try the temp jobs agencys they tend to help out getting you a job at first but after a few temp jobs they tend to back off a bit but please hang in there I know you will find a job that fits your needs.

For I too was at one time homeless and living in campgrounds with my faimily having to fish just to feed us all, till I found some property that I could make $100.00 payments and builded a small cabin on it and we lived on it for 2 years and my wife was working for one of those temp places till she found a real job, I wish you all the luck in the world and hang on and we will be praying for you.

  dave


gia0315
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/27/2006 1:23 AM (GMT -6)   
HEY hopeful,
Seems like things really suck for you right now. I have been there and I feel for you.I would recommend reapplying for disability or ssi or something,also put your name on the HUD or Section8 waiting list---it is a long wait but once you get in,you'll be ok financially,apply for foodstamps and state medical assistance. Try moving to a smaller town and look in the news papers for ppl seeking roommates that will allow a dog. It is cheaper to live in a small town---most of the time. Depending upon your level of education find a job that suites you. Also you can try attending a trade school like licoln Tech,alot of the time low income students are eligible for student loans that include living expenses off campus,that would further your education,help you pay for a place to live,and allow you to get a better job when you are done.Like you my anxiety came from alot of things ruined my life and made things alot worse for me. But you can and will get through this. Do not htink about killing yourself chances are you wont do it and all you'll do is cause yourself more problems emotionally by thinking about it. You have your self to depend on and that is a powerful thing....look into adult adhd,you may be medicated improperly because the symptoms can look the same as depression. And if you think nobody cares you are wrong...ppl who know what you're going through do care,your dog who loves you he cares. But screw all that----the only one that needs to care is you.If you have given up there is no point,have you?I don't mean to sound mean but I used to say all the same things as you"bad things keep happening to me" "nobody cares,nobody will help me"Here's the thing,you need to learn to help yourself,seek out agencies to help you on your feet. If you can't find amin job,get a different job,work at McDonalds if you have to,get a waitressingjob---when you don't have anything you are not above anything. You can and will survive this if you change your views. If you can't find a job in your field but you need a job---then take any job you need a place to live you need to pay your rent. That's all there is to it,right now you need to find a way to get by,you can keep looking for an admin job no matter where you work,find a job then look for your career. You need money. I hope i don't seem harsh,i've been there....i had 2 kids and a dog to take care of,i have an IQ of 139,well above average but i don't have a degree,had never worked a day in my life.all of a sudden i was getting divorced and recieving no child support because of 50/50 custody agreement and even though i excell at many things i don't have the experience or a degree to find a career----I am a waitress. I work my ass off,my kids,myself and my dog have food,clothes and a warm place to live...i didn't have a car so i walked to work everyday. I was on state assistance but I no longer need the foodstamps,my children still have medical assistance,now from what you wrote it is just you and your dog,you don't have to worry about child care or limit the hours you can work around your kids school schedule,my family can't afford to help me either,and I'm grateful they couldn't bail me out because i am able to stand on my own now. You will be ok if you want to be. Don't wish you had a van to sleep in,don't wish for anything----go out and work for what you need. You will be OK! good Luck

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/27/2006 11:45 AM (GMT -6)   
I am so sorry for ALL you are facing hun and also sorry for not being her as much for you
I have not been well but thats noexcuse I will email you later on okay
You can also email me as well
Miss you
Take care sis and know I am here I may not be visual always but I do think and pray for you daily
Luvs
Lyn
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......You can Do It........We are Here For You 
 Happy Holidays and all the Best in 2007 .........
               God Bless .........Lyn
 
          All The Best In 2007 To Everyone 
                                  
                          
                                   Lyn


Annuk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1308
   Posted 12/27/2006 11:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Oh Kelly, Just as I thought you were feeling so much better!!!! grrr still in my thoughts and prayers though!!!!

take care

Ann

Annuk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1308
   Posted 12/27/2006 11:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Kelly,

The Grrrr, by the way is for the A/P not you!!!!

take care

Ann

GFK
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 275
   Posted 12/27/2006 5:57 PM (GMT -6)   
So sorry for what you are going thru Hopeful! Have you tried thru your church to see if you can find a roommate?

I would check with a local dog rescue group about the possibility of short-term emergency shelter for your pooch. My local shelter does alot of that type of stuff for people. I sincerely hope it wont come to that, but it may put your mind at ease if you have an emergency plan in place.

And like Gia said, reapply for all the assistance you can. I worked for my County (Penna.) and adminstered its Emergency Shelter and Food Assistance programs. We had money to assist people with a month or two rent on an emergency basis, food vouchers, etc. (this was in addition to the State HUD and foodstamp program). Many churches here also allocate some of their donations to this type of situation. Also United Way, Red Cross, etc.

There are also gov't funded job training/placement agencies out there.

Hope things turn around for you very soon!

Karen

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 12/28/2006 10:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you, everyone for your support.  Gia, it sounds like some of you have had to some of the things that I'm terrified to do.  I can't bear that it will come to that.  I'm scared.  I'm hurting.  I can't stand the loss after loss and worst of all, I don't have a home to go to.  I don't even know where to start.  I have a number for a person who works in Social Services whom I will call tomorrow.  I'm frustrated with my church.  You'd think that they would have someone who could help me - give me some direction.  I keep asking God "what do you want me to do?"  I keep doing the work and the doors are not opening.  I check in with my agencies.  I followed up on a job referral and I have an appt. tomorrow to do some computer testing.  5 tests.  One of the tests is a database program that I do not know at all.  I feel like they are asking for the moon these days.  In the old days you needed to be the Executive/Manager right hand person and do some word processing and spreadsheet.  Now, they want you to be proficient at 10 software programs. 
 
I also pursued every roommate lead/ad that I could.  I found a girl from a church who was interested.  I found a place that had a special $1000.00 off of the first month rent.  I did the numbers.  I called her.  You can't find a better deal than what I found (in my County) and she called today and told me that she is just too stressed out to move now.  She has a job and lives at home and she is stressed out.  Why does God give me so much to handle?  I am stressed out too.  My neck is BAD, my body is weary, I suffer with migraines.  I am depressed and extremely anxious and yes, sometimes my mind feels like I have ADD but maybe anybody would feel like this if they had so many things to face and so much input coming from everywhere. 
 
I just want to curl up and stop living.  I know that I can't do that but I am so scared of facing all of this.  I am only capable of facing so much.  This has been going on for so long.  I have never had a good life but I always had hope.  Then I got married (May 2005) and 4 months later my husband left me an email that he did not want to be married anymore.  He went home to his Mother.  I think that he is gay and thought that being a Christian and marrying a Christian woman that God was going to make him straight.  He told me that he was dissapointed in God but never told me why.  Even my therapist said "I wonder what he meant by that."  I am over him, finally, but they say the best revenge is living well and all I can tell you is that I have went downhill ever since.  I am my lowest of lows.  I'm losing everything one right after another. 
 
I have a temp job starting on the 3rd that will last 1 1/2 weeks.  The hardest part is that I do not know where to go to live.
 
Does anybody live in California, USA?  Does anybody know what agencies I might contact?  Do I have to be homeless before they will help me?  I would rather live in a van with my dog than to be separated from him.  I know that I will have to do whatever is necessary but it is so painful to live.
 
Thank you for listening and sorry that I am not there for all of you more at this time.
 
Kelly 
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
 
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


freezinginAK
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1052
   Posted 12/29/2006 12:28 AM (GMT -6)   

  Hey Kelly, it's good to hear from you again I'm not sure what part of Calif. your from but if your from the Sacramento area my BIL works as a cop there he may know of something you can do for a living place but I'm not sure about your dog though, just let me know if I  should give him a call for you.

dave


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/29/2006 7:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Dave you are a sweetie for sure say hello to your wife for us please

My sis I am so d*** sorry for all you are going thru I wish you could just pack up and come here to canada BUT I know thats not possible I am hoping that dave will have some news for you and I would keep at the Church I know you have not much strength left but still try to fight hun please
I am feeling better so please do get in touch
Luvs
Lyn
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......You can Do It........We are Here For You 
 Happy Holidays and all the Best in 2007 .........
               God Bless .........Lyn
 
          All The Best In 2007 To Everyone 
                                  
                          
                                   Lyn


Annuk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1308
   Posted 12/29/2006 9:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Oh Kelly,

I am stunned!!!! I have only just read your post, I had not read it before I emailed you last night!!!!! - You will know what I mean!!!!

Hang in there, love and (((hugs))) to you!

Ann

gia0315
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/29/2006 9:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Funny you think your husband is gay----mine really is.Like i said i didn't mean to be harsh or disrespectful---i just know how things can go from bad to "I want to be dead" really fast. After my marriage fell apart I was hanging on by barley a thread. I started to self medicate---cocaine and when i didn't have my kids(we have 50/50 custody) I was high constantly---i went to work high i came home high-----i got high at work...The more sorry I felt for myself the more high I got. I actually had to give up a job where i was making 1600.00 a week to save myself from a coke habit---you know you're screwed up when you're at work doing coke lines off a urinal with your boss.(I sold cars for a living) I made alot of money,drove a brand new car(one of the perks)for free,bought my kids everytrhing under the sun and still had money left over for an 8ball a day habbit.I gave up a beautiful house and great job bc it was killing me,that's how i ended up being a waitress---the money isn't nearly as good....i'm lucky if i clear a quater of what i was making but a year later I am happy...i don't do drugs anymore,i met a great guy(we've been together for about 19 months)we recently moved in together(going ok so far)I now have 4 kids----2 are my sons 2 are my step sons.My point is I never thought I'd be happy again and I am.And my ex-husband and I are really good friends now. It took blood sweat and tears but I am ok now.And you will be too.....just steer clear of urinals! MY kids are happy and i'm trying to give them the life they had when i was a drug addict----(funny how they had alot more then than they do now.)I am starting college for nursing and eventually I will be as financially well off as I was when I started selling cars only I'll be emotionally well off too.Good luck to you,keep me posted.

gia0315
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/29/2006 9:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Kelly,
Have you ever considered moving out of cali? IT is crazy expensive to live there. I live in Pa and for a 3bdrm house in a decent neighborhood I pay 725/month plus utilities.GOD----no wonder you're depressed! Maybe I could help you out in some way----if you would consider moving out of state i know someone in need desperate need of a roommate. IF your security deposite on your apartment is as high as i think it is then you could buy a plane ticket for you and your poochie and move where you could afford to live,The best thing about re-locating is noone knows how mentally screwed up you are and you get to start over----trust me I know....I only made a 3 mile move but noone is saying "hey that's the girl that turned her husband gay" and noone comes up to me and says " can you get me a gram".If you're interested please email me and i'll give you my phone #. My email is gisellahandelong@yahoo.com. Maybe you and my friend could help eachother,she's on a very simular situation.

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 12/30/2006 3:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Dave - yes, please do contact your BIL in Sacramento and THANKS for being so willing to help.

Gia, I will email you to find out more about your friend and the place in PA. I can tell you that a move like that sends me into panic mode. :(

Here is the latest. It's one thing after another and God knows I don't know why this is happening. My spirit keeps getting crushed. Yesterday, I went on an interview. The plan was just to meet with HR and do the testing...math, spelling, typing, Word, Excel, Access. That's a lot of testing. Then the HR recruiter interviewed me then the Customer Service Manager interviewed me (by this time I have been there 4 hours and my throat is sore from all of the talking) then the Branch Manager interviewed me. A friend of mine is a limosuine driver (she owns the business) and she knows the people at this company. The company is Uline. Anybody heard of them? know somebody there? Well she referred me in and raved about how happy all of the people were that worked there and she drives around a lot of corporate people and gets a good feel for how the people are treated at their companies. Anyway, I finally interviewed with the Branch Manager. The Branch Manager runs the show - top dog and he has an Admin. Asst. that is not working out for him. He replaced the old Branch Manager 10 months ago. Apparently, the Admins that they have are young and inexperienced. I can understand that. They are not letting her go but finding a place for her in the company. When I went to the job I didn't know the job description and neither do they, except that it is Executive Admin Asst with lots of project assistance. I like that. :) I really liked the man I would be working for. He was very warm and friendly. I really liked his personality. I was at that office for 5 1/2 hours. Okay, now that's the record. I was exhausted. It's like a 5 1/2 hour monologue.

Driving home I was afraid to get my hopes up. I have come so close to getting jobs before and then "they hire from within" or I had to turn it down b/c it would require me to live at the office and my body cannot handle that at this time in my life.

Here's the BAD news. I got home and checked my messages and I had 2 messages from the agency that placed me on a job starting next Tuesday running through the 12th for $20/Hr. (good $ for TEMP) and I DESPERATELY need this job/money. The first message was asking me to confirm that I would be at the job. The 2nd message indicated that she called someone else and filled the positon. I was dumbstruck, devastated. I had already said YES to the job. I had already received 2 emails from the Company confirming my assignment with the details. Their was absolutely no reason for them to think that I was not going to show up at the job. I did not anticipate anything like this happening. I called the office and they were all "gone for the day." The Receptionist was the only one there and I asked him to get a hold of the woman who placed me. He said that their was nothing they could do and to call on Tuesday. I cried uncontrollably.

I'm a good person. I have a good heart. I have a lot to offer this world. I've decided I'm still going to fight. I'm not going to die. But what next?
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
 
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


freezinginAK
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1052
   Posted 12/30/2006 3:55 PM (GMT -6)   
  Ok kelly I post up my e-mail for you under profiles I will need to know some info on the area that you live in as my sister has said that sacamento is a very big place and they will try to do want they can for you. If you are really coming down to the wire on this you may try the YWCA they have beds, showers and all for a small daily price and in some cases they can put you to work for your rent.
 
 dave

Post Edited (freezinginAK) : 12/30/2006 5:53:03 PM (GMT-7)


GFK
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 275
   Posted 12/31/2006 9:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Maybe they filled it cause you'll get a call Tuesday from Uline to start ASAP. This is what I'm hoping for you!!!

Keeping my fingers crossed! Keep us posted.

Karen

normalsnofun
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 2500
   Posted 12/31/2006 10:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Hang in there hopeful...and remember some of gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers...
--Michelle
Help Support the forums: www.healingwell.com/donate
 
"The best way out is always through.  ~Robert Frost~
 
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
~Confucius~

 


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 1/1/2007 1:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone and Happy New Year. I had those "bad thoughts" again today but it's b/c I am exhausted - really bad day. I am trying very hard to just focus on the moment. I have a good brain but it goes a million miles an hour and my mind tries to drive me crazy. I find it next to impossible sometimes to simply relax. The more I think about my situation and try to "figure out" how to get out of it, I just get worse. Also, I'm getting information overload. I like the online forum. It doesn't take as much energy for me to type.

I'm sorry that I have not been able to be there for everyone here.

I gave a 30-day notice on the 27th. If I leave sooner or don't pay, I will have to go through the legal proceedings and that would be a shame b/c I am not a deadbeat. I have enough $ to pay the rent but the rest --food, gas, my healthcare (including meds) is up to God. He has provided so far but I was really counting on that TEMP job b/c the money is out.

Dave, I emailed you. You are a caring person. Thank you for your concern.

Karen - I hope you're right! I just think that will need some time b/c they are a big corporation (headquarters in Illinois) and they have to get corporate approval, write a job description and he (the big boss) mentioned a couple times that I was the first person that they have seen, leading me to believe that they need to do their due dilligence.

Michelle -- Oh, how I wish I understood this one! God seems to be giving me more than I can handle b/c I had a nervous breakdown in July after months and months of intense grief after my husband left. As you all know, I've come close to the same recently.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
 
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


normalsnofun
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 2500
   Posted 1/1/2007 1:45 PM (GMT -6)   
I know its a rough patch but just try and hang in there.  Perhapse try and think of it as a chance for a new start/clean slate.  Hope all works for you.
 
--Michelle
Help Support the forums: www.healingwell.com/donate
 
"The best way out is always through.  ~Robert Frost~
 
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
~Confucius~

 


shell67
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 1268
   Posted 1/2/2007 1:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Hiya hopeful, what a mess, i know the desperation of finding a job, i wish you the best, im also hoping that this job fell through because something else better is right around the corner! My thoughts and prayers are with you.
shell
" Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now, in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed."
Eileen Caddy


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 1/2/2007 10:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Shell, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I don't know how I am going to fix all of these things at the same time. My stomach is in knots and my mind is going crazy. I can't stand feeling this way all of the time. The 5mg of Lexapro did help stabilize the deeper parts of my depression but I am having such a hard time living my life. For the life of me, I don't understand why it has come to this. I feel like I have just been a hamster on a wheel, following up with every lead and getting nowhere. Now that I'm "stable" I don't want to die but now I have to stick around and feel the pain every day. I hate it. I hope and I pray that the tide will change SOON.


"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
 
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


freezinginAK
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1052
   Posted 1/2/2007 11:46 PM (GMT -6)   
  Hay Kelly I never got your e-mail but I have contacted my sister and they are waiting for my reply take care and I hope that we can help you
 
dave

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 1/2/2007 11:56 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi Dave, it ended up in my "draft" folder but I sent it this afternoon.  I thought email was instant.  I just sent it again.  Could you check your email and let me know?

Thank you for your concern and help.  Bless you for your kind heart.

Kelly

 



"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
 
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/

Post Edited (hopefulmigrainer) : 1/2/2007 10:00:14 PM (GMT-7)


freezinginAK
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1052
   Posted 1/3/2007 1:19 AM (GMT -6)   
  Ok Kelly I got your e-mail now maybe we can help you out but I still need to know what part of sacamento so we can look into it as my sister has said it's a big area all i need is n,s,e,or west and we can go from there ok
 
dave
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