've just been lost in a state of depression for the past few days... tears flowing a lot... sadness upon my face... even friends on the phone can tell something is wrong... but I don't feel like talking about my issues. I feel like it's wasted breath because I discuss it so much.
stuck in the mindset of an agorophobic.
I feel like I'm in a prison I can't get out of and don't know what to do. I can't do anything anymore, I just want to curl into a ball and not move. I didn't even go to work tonight because I was in such a low mind state. I couldn't go. I didn't want to go. I just wanted to lay there and pretend I was this perfect normal person that I'm not.
Friends want me to travel to Florida and they just don't get that I can't travel far right now. Family and friends want me to travel far.... and I can't do it... and I'm helpless.
I hate this prison I live in.
I've cried a lot the past few days. I feel as though I've lost all hope.
I'm sorry to share this but it's the only way I feel sane.
I know I could end it but don't want to, as life is so worth living... I'm just sad... scared... and lost...
I just want to be able to take my panic disorder into my hands... crumple it into a tiny ball and light it on fire and feel free again.
I don't know what that is anymore. :(
I don't even know what to say anymore on HW because I feel any advice I might give might just contradict my own thoughts and actions.
Typically I give advice and don't even take my own advice. I feel so lost and alone. I've been painting a lot lately, and drinking a lot.
I know I said I don't drink to cope with anxiety, but in a way I do, because I don't want to cope with my reality.... that I'm stuck in a prison where I can only travel 25 minutes from my house, so I drink to pretend I'm just this normal woman who can go anywhere.
To be honest, I drink every single night of my life and can't even imagine my life without alcohol. I quit for a month in October, but I've been this way for 8 years. I hate sobriety because it makes me realize how messed up my life really is. I don't even want to face this panic disorder, because I have tried so many times to face it, and cure myself of it, and have failed. Failure is depressing..... so too.. is my disorder...
I've met many great people on here with such positive attitudes about
their panic disorder, and I have tried to maintain the same level of optimism... but can't.... sadness just drenches my soul... and my heart....
I'm sorry for posting all this, but I don't know where to turn or who to talk to and no one understands me except all of you.
:( ..... *feeling low*
"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."
DX: Panic Disorder, Depression, TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder), Chronic Migraines
RX: Lorazepam (1 MG a day), Lexapro (20 MG a day), Tylonel for the TMJ and Migraines