Sad... for the past few days...

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Twiggygal
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 924
   Posted 1/4/2007 7:36 AM (GMT -6)   
've just been lost in a state of depression for the past few days... tears flowing a lot... sadness upon my face... even friends on the phone can tell something is wrong... but I don't feel like talking about my issues.  I feel like it's wasted breath because I discuss it so much.
 
stuck in the mindset of an agorophobic.
 
I feel like I'm in a prison I can't get out of and don't know what to do.  I can't do anything anymore, I just want to curl into a ball and not move.  I didn't even go to work tonight because I was in such a low mind state.  I couldn't go.  I didn't want to go.  I just wanted to lay there and pretend I was this perfect normal person that I'm not.
 
Friends want me to travel to Florida and they just don't get that I can't travel far right now.  Family and friends want me to travel far.... and I can't do it... and I'm helpless.
 
 
I hate this prison I live in.
 
 
I've cried a lot the past few days.  I feel as though I've lost all hope.
 
 
I'm sorry to share this but it's the only way I feel sane.
 
 
I know I could end it but don't want to, as life is so worth living... I'm just sad... scared... and lost...
 
 
I just want to be able to take my panic disorder into my hands... crumple it into a tiny ball and light it on fire and feel free again.
 
Freedom.
 
I don't know what that is anymore.    :(
 
 
I don't even know what to say anymore on HW because I feel any advice I might give might just contradict my own thoughts and actions.
 
Typically I give advice and don't even take my own advice.  I feel so lost and alone.  I've been painting a lot lately, and drinking a lot.
 
I know I said I don't drink to cope with anxiety, but in a way I do, because I don't want to cope with my reality.... that I'm stuck in a prison where I can only travel 25 minutes from my house, so I drink to pretend I'm just this normal woman who can go anywhere. 
 
To be honest, I drink every single night of my life and can't even imagine my life without alcohol.   I quit for a month in October, but I've been this way for 8 years.  I hate sobriety because it makes me realize how messed up my life really is.  I don't even want to face this panic disorder, because I have tried so many times to face it, and cure myself of it, and have failed.  Failure is depressing..... so too.. is my disorder...
 
I've met many great people on here with such positive attitudes about their panic disorder, and I have tried to maintain the same level of optimism... but can't.... sadness just drenches my soul... and my heart....   eyes
 
I'm sorry for posting all this, but I don't know where to turn or who to talk to and no one understands me except all of you.
 
:(  ..... *feeling low* sad
 
 
Twiggygal~
 
 
 
"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."

DX: Panic Disorder, Depression, TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder), Chronic Migraines
 
RX: Lorazepam (1 MG a day), Lexapro (20 MG a day), Tylonel for the TMJ and Migraines
 
 
 
Help support Healing Well and its' forums and chatrooms... donate today.... http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/4/2007 7:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Hun
First you never have to apologise to us you should know that you give so much here to everyone
Take some support back
I am feeling your pain thru your post and I wish I could just take it all away but we both know I cannot do that but I can and will be here for you as will all your other " family" here

You have really accomplished so much in a little time hun it might be catvhing up to you ya know and please dont dismiss the steps you have made and what you have DONE
Keep thinking about all that you have acheived and I know what you have acheived I do read all the posts and try to respond as much as I can so do others

Twiggy you will get thru this I know you will you are strong and you are a SURVIVOR thru and thru
I know what you mean about the booze yet I am sober for many yrs
If you want to talk about that privately I am here
Just know that the alcohol only is a bandaid with a hangover on the side and makes your a/p and depression worse
YOU are not worthless
By now you know I speak from my heart and I speak truths .......
YOU will get thru this too I promise you that hun and you know I think maybe you need to know just how much you are supported and LOVED on this site
Like I said you give and give its time to get some support in return
Here for you sweetie
Luvs
Lyn

Never apoogise for being YOU and needing support we all know that feeling all to well


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                                        Lyn   
 
 
 
                                  
                          
                                  


panicy one
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 1/4/2007 9:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Twiggygal, I read your post and I just want to tell you that your advice on this board has helped me through alot.You need to hang in there it will get better,we all have those times where we feel hopeless.But I have to say that you are one person that stuck out for me you have a great sense of humor and you are so loving. hang in there hon.Oh by the way the next post I read from you I want to see a "hehe" included ok.
150mg zoloft,50mg seroquel,1mg ativan and 25mgtoprol(beta blocker)
                                              Hugs,
                                          Rhonda


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 1/4/2007 9:40 PM (GMT -6)   
(((((Twiggy)))) I am so sorry to hear that you feel so bad.  Please know how much you are loved and valued at HW and how many times you've brought a smile to my face.  Please don't give up. It's ok to feel hopeless for a little while, we all have rotten patches, just know that you aren't hopeless...it's just an emotion.
 
I know it's hard when people pressure you to travel, and I'm sorry you feel like you're in a prison.  Are you able to just sit outside for a little while, get some fresh air? It's just a little thing but it really helps me to just go outside and look at the stars.  As someone sitting here with a hangover I can't really tell you not to drink!!! (I've had a rough few days) But try, if you can, to have a few alcohol free days.  Alcohol is a depressant and if it never really gets a chance to get out of your system it will make you feel worse.  I feel so much better when I wake up on days when I went to bed sober.  I hope this helps you sweetie, please know I'm thinking of you and you can email me anytime. Big ((((hugs)))
Dance like no-one's watching,
 
Love Thy Neighbour, just don't get caught!
 
NervyMeg


jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 1/5/2007 2:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi twiggy..
Don't be 'blue' ~ be pink or orange or green like a frog..but don't be 'blue' lol!
Life is way too short to be sad..awww come on pick yourself girlfriend - the sky hasn't fallen in yet! You still have shopping malls and travellin to conquer and already you have made great progress in these areas..
A couple of days ago I had to do to the dentist - she is an amazing woman - how she puts up with me I will never know lol - anyhow, we got talking about my anxiety (arrrgh I detest going to the dentist lol) - she too admitted to having some terrible anxiety in the past due to ill health etc. but had learned a valuable lesson...when things get too much just say to yourself 'I don't care! Whatever fate brings my way I don't care...because I can handle it all! Bring it on!'
Well I have tried it! Good grief it makes your subconscious 'bad thoughts' shrink back down to size! It's the 'I don't care' part that is empowering I think!  
Try it..you may like it!
Maree
 

Twiggygal
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 924
   Posted 1/5/2007 6:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks you guys... I appreciate your kind words....
 
 
last night I didn't drink.... it was kinda rough.. I got a terrible migraine and was up late trying to get rid of it but it wouldn't go away...
 
 
FINALLY I passed out and woke up late as heck today.... but my eye twitch is gone (my eye is always twitching), maybe that's because you never get the right kind of sleep when you go to bed on a couple of drinks, yanno?
 
I feel kinda good when I woke up... kinda like my head isn't feeling bloated LOL like it normally does.
 
 
I'm not gonna drink tonight either... and I'm just gonna focus on me.
 
I went to a store the other day and picked up some meditation fragrance oil, so I'm gonna try to get into some meditation.  (also have the chinese stress balls for the meditation so we'll see if that eases my inner turmoil)
 
 
But I wonder if mold can cause the depression I've been feeling the last week.  Seriously, I was waking up every morning with my chest so tight and in pain, and my dog was breathing so weird (coughing and choking when we woke up, etc).  Well, a week ago I had brought in my drawing that is six feet long and is on particle board.... so yesterday morning I had this weird inkling to put it outside.  I just KNEW something was wrong when my dog was coughing and breathing weird.  (she slept right next to the drawing because I had it on the floor on newspapers and it was big)
 
Sure enough... me and my brother in law took the huge painting outside... flipped it around... and the ENTIRE back side of it was covered in mold. (I don't know why we didn't notice it before, but it had been outside for a long while, and the weather got to it)
 
So I vacuumed the area where it was sitting and ran the Oreck air filter (it traps and kills mold spores) for two hours, letting it run on medium.
 
Now I'm feeling a lot better, I can actually breathe today.  So too can my puppy.
 
Weird.  Maybe that's why I've been so odd.
 
 
Twiggygal~
"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."

DX: Panic Disorder, Depression, TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder), Chronic Migraines
 
RX: Lorazepam (1 MG a day), Lexapro (20 MG a day), Tylonel for the TMJ and Migraines
 
 
 
Help support Healing Well and its' forums and chatrooms... donate today.... http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


Twiggygal
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 924
   Posted 1/5/2007 6:19 PM (GMT -6)   
HOLY CRAP!!!

I just read up on mold toxins in the house and even if you have mild exposure (me breathing in mold spores for a WEEK) you can have many symptoms I was experiencing that I don't normally experience.


I was having major sensitivity to light... I couldn't handle it... I was depressed... I wasn't talking normally... and that was about it...

maybe that's what caused it... can't be sure tho...


Twiggygal~
"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."

DX: Panic Disorder, Depression, TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder), Chronic Migraines
 
RX: Lorazepam (1 MG a day), Lexapro (20 MG a day), Tylonel for the TMJ and Migraines
 
 
 
Help support Healing Well and its' forums and chatrooms... donate today.... http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 1/5/2007 7:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Twiggy I am so happy for you...congratulations on having a sober night.  the headache should clear up soon, just a mild withdrawl symptom.  That's freaky about the mould, i hope that's what has been changing your mood and you're back to normal really soon :-) i think i might go check my house for mould.....!
Dance like no-one's watching,
 
Love Thy Neighbour, just don't get caught!
 
NervyMeg


GFK
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 275
   Posted 1/5/2007 8:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Very glad to hear you are doing better!!!! The fact that you are feeling better already really makes the mold situation credible.

Karen

jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 1/5/2007 9:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Yahoo Twiggy...big hugs for you girlfriend!!
Mould or no mould..we love you heaps!

Maree

Twiggygal
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 924
   Posted 1/5/2007 9:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks you guys... I LOVE you guys SO MUCH too :)

*HUGGGS*


Twiggygal~
"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."

DX: Panic Disorder, Depression, TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder), Chronic Migraines
 
RX: Lorazepam (1 MG a day), Lexapro (20 MG a day), Tylonel for the TMJ and Migraines
 
 
 
Help support Healing Well and its' forums and chatrooms... donate today.... http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


freezinginAK
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1052
   Posted 1/6/2007 1:10 AM (GMT -6)   
  Glad to see that you are doing better Twiggy we all go though are bad times I'm just happy to see you are better and keep on posting girl for you are, are one and only sweety and sooooo helpfull for all of us
 
dave

Twiggygal
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 924
   Posted 1/6/2007 9:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Second night not drinking... can't sleep... am up at 8 AM...
 
ugggghhh
 
 
 
Twiggygal~
"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."

DX: Panic Disorder, Depression, TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder), Chronic Migraines
 
RX: Lorazepam (1 MG a day), Lexapro (20 MG a day), Tylonel for the TMJ and Migraines
 
 
 
Help support Healing Well and its' forums and chatrooms... donate today.... http://www.healingwell.com/donate/

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