I NEED TO CHANGE!

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K MCGRAW
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 1/5/2007 1:26 AM (GMT -6)   
I AM A 26 YEAR OLD MARRIED MOTHER OF 5 CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 8. I AM ALSO A FULL TIME COLLEGE STUDENT. I KEEP MY HOUSE VERY NICE AND NEAT, I ALWAYS HAVE DINNER READY FOR MY HUSBAND, AND I TRY MY HARDEST TO KEEP MY KIDS BUSY. I SUFFERED FROM MY FIRST ANXIETY ATTACK FEBUARY OF 2005. IT WAS THE SCARIEST THING FOR ME, I HONESTLY THOUGHT I WAS DYING. THEN, A COUPLE MONTHS LATER, WHEN I WAS 2 MONTHS PREGNANT WITH MY 5TH CHILD, I WAS VERY SICK WITH E.COLI IN MY KIDNEYS. THIS WAS MY FIRST TIME BEING IN THE HOSPITAL FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN CHILDBIRTH. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN VERY HEALTHY. IT SEEMS LIKE AS SOON AS I GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL, THAT WAS IT, MY HEALTH FEARS WERE SET IN. I WAS RELEASED FROM THE HOSPITAL RIGHT AFTER THE POPE DIED. MY FIRST NIGHT HOME, I CALLED MY MOM AT 2AM CRYING, TELLING HER I THOUGHT I HAD SEPSIS, WHAT THE POPE DIED OF... SHE YELLED AT ME, AND TOLD ME TO GO TO BED. SINCE THEN, MY HEALTH FEARS HAVE GONE OUT OF CONTROL. LIKE I SAID, I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN VERY HEALTHY, AS WELL AS I DO COME FROM A VERY HEALTHY FAMILY, ON BOTH SIDES. NO CANCER, NO DISEASE, NOTHING RUNS IN MY FAMILY. OVER THE LAST 20 MONTHS, I HAVE HAD CAT SCANS, BREAST ULTRA SOUNDS, EKG'S, NUMEROUS CBC'S, AND WEEKLY DR. VISITS. MY DR. IS SO SICK OF ME I THINK, THAT SHE EVENTUALLY GIVES IN TO THESE EXPENSIVE TESTS TO CALM MY FEARS. MY DR. ALWAYS TELLS ME, "YOU ARE ONE OF MY MOST HEALTHIEST PATIENTS" BUT STILL, I LAY IN BED WITH MY FEARS. FOR EXAMPLE, JUST IN THE LAST 6 WEEKS, I HAVE FEARED THAT I HAVE THE FOLLOWING ILLNESSES...
 
BREAST CANCER
BLATTER CANCER
OVARIAN CANCER
LYMPHOMA
NECK CANCER
STROKE
HEART DISEASE
AND GLUCOMA....
 
ALL THESE, JUST FROM LITTLE MINOR ACHES AND PAINS EVERY NOW AND THEN...
 
FOR EXAMPLE, I HAVE A SWOLLEN GLAND IN MY NECK RIGHT NOW... I HAVE ALREADY SEEN MY DR. FOR IT, SHE SAID ITS NOTHING, SHE SAID I PROBRABLY HAVE A LITTLE SICKY BUG... AND YES, I HAVE HAD A RUNNY NOSE, CONGESTION, AN EARACHE, NOT TO MENTION MY WIZDOM TOOTH ON THAT SIDE IS IMPACTED AND IN PAIN. (THE WIZDOM TOOTH IS A WHOLE OTHER STORY, IM AFRAID OF THE PROCEDURE AND BEING PUT TO SLEEP, OR CHOKING ON THIER TOOLS.) BUT STILL, I LAY IN BED, AND OBSESS about THIS GLAND IN MY NECK, AND I KEEP FEELING IT, AND MY MOM SAYS IM JUST MAKING IT WORSE BY FEELING IT.
 
I KNOW I NEED TO CHANGE. DO YOU THINK I LIKE TO STRESS OUT ALL DAY, EVERYDAY? (AND BELIEVE ME, IT REALLY IS EVERYDAY) IM A CHRISTIAN, AND I KNOW I NEED TO HAVE TRUST IN GOD, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I WANT TO BE NORMAL... I WANT TO STOP WORRYING ALL THE TIME, IT CONSUMES MY LIFE. ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS?

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/5/2007 7:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi and Welcome
First most with A/P have Health Anxiety and think they hve everything wrong with them so here you are not alone at all
There is online Cognitive behavioural Therapy and Relaxation tecniques you can do as well as do other things to occupy your self and keep mind off of your physical worries

Please dont read books or seek health info on the net BAD idea it only makes us worse IMO
I honestly think the CBT would be a great place to start if you want the link let me know and as posted it is free and NOT a gimmick I do it myself and others here as well
Take care and post again
Glad you found us
LYN

** Could you please take caps off it makes it look as though you are yelling lol **
Thanks
God Bless
LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......You can Do It........We are Here For You 
                God Bless .........Lyn
Make The Best of The New year .......You Can and Will Reach your Goals
                              Loads of Love n Support
                                        Lyn   
 
 
 
                                  
                          
                                  


jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 1/5/2007 8:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi there K
Relax for a moment...you sound like a fantastic mum/student and wife with an extremely busy life with 5 children under 8yrs..how do you manage to do all that? It makes me feel tired just thinking about it lol..
Is it possible that you are trying to be 'super-mum' and simply forgot to look after 'you' - we all do it lol so don't think you are alone with this ok :)
I agree with Lyn - CBT would be a great idea and maybe a good start towards feeling better.
I cannot help wondering if there has been something worrying you underneath all this..maybe even back in your childhood..I could be completely wrong..but sometimes we hold onto 'bad stuff' and it just keeps bubbling away under the surface and we don't realise until 'bang' we start having panic attacks etc. and even then we don't realise until we start some sort of counselling/therapy.
Think happy thoughts and be kind to yourself :-)
Maree
 

K MCGRAW
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 1/5/2007 12:34 PM (GMT -6)   
yes, that is one of my biggest problem... i get a little ache or pain, i type it into the internet, and bang.... camcer cancer cancer... stroke, stroke, stroke, etc. thats when i really start getting freaked out, is after the internet stuff! you know what? i even had to cut out some of my favorite shows, because i knew it triggered my fears... life in the e.r, trauma in the e.e, house, e.r., these shows are not even aloud to be played in my home, and my husband has been somewhat supportive of that. well, except last week, he was washing his hands at the sink, and i said, i have a swollen gland in my neck, i think i have lymphoma, and he splashed some water on me and said, "here is some holy water, your healed" i know it may be a joke to him, but not to me. i would honestly be interested in anything at this point that may help me.... i feel like i can never be happy, because im always so worried.

as for things in my past. i have been diagnosed with depresion in the past, but unable to take meds because i cant swallow pills, and when i crush them, i get a really upset stomach. tried lexapro, zoloft, prozac, and even serequel. i do take xanax for my pannic attacks, but it basically melts in my mouth. works great, very low dosage! i dont know if there is any "underlying problems" i do know that i was raised by a 15 year old single mother, raised in her family home with drug atics, criminals, pedophiles, drunks, fighting, so much yelling. when my mom got married and moved out when i was 5, it didnt get much better, he was very physically abusive to both me and my mom. my teen years involved drugs and alcahol, then at 18, i had my first baby, straightened up, got married, and now i am where i am.

i dont know whats wrong with me. i do know that i want to fix it. when other people get a stomach ache, they do not automatically assume they are dying of stomach cancer... but i do. and its every day of my life. please, any links, referals... send them my way, because im miserable like this, and im sure its not good for my kids or my husband to see me doing this.

worrier247
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 97
   Posted 1/5/2007 4:12 PM (GMT -6)   
YOU SOUND JUST LIKE ME!!!!!!!!!  My boyfriend pulls of little jokes to, which he finds funny, and i don't even want to hear it.  i have obsessive compulsive disorder bad, and I got this really good book called 'Brainlock' by Dr. Jeffrey Swartz.  i'm not finished the book yet, but it has helped a bit so far.  my biggest fear is AIDS, and i don't know why, because if i've been with anyone, i've always gotten myself checked, and i make them get checked for that matter, but it doesn't matter, your mind goes on and on. i don't sleep around and i've been with my boyfriend for a while, and I recently made him get checked even though he says he's fine and not worried about it. i don't really have a reason to think like this. it hasn't quite been 10 days yet since he went for his blood tests, and everytime he calls me or i don't hear from him, i'm automatically thinking that i'm going to hear the worst news.  he thinks i'm absolutely ridiculous.  and i know i sound it.  but i can't help it.  my friends think i'm ridiculous and laugh at me.  i was reading an article, how people with obsessive compulsive disorder worry mostly about aids and cancer.  when i put in on paper or the computer like this, it does seem ridiculous, but guaranteed, i will worry about it at some point probably a few hundred more times before i even go to bed tonight!!!  and the thing is too, i never neglect my health, and but the sounds of it , you don't either, and deep down we know we're healthy, but it doesn't stop us.  the negative thoughts are much more powerful than the positive ones.

GFK
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 275
   Posted 1/5/2007 9:44 PM (GMT -6)   
When do you have time to even breathe?! It really sounds like things have caught up with you.

Your post really brought back some memories! My lifestyle was similar before I got A/P. It wasn't to "keep up with the Jones'", but because I felt that if my house wasnt clean or I let the hubby share in more household responsibilities, or let the kids entertain themselves, etc. that it was a bad reflection on ME. I went to a therapist for the A/P and found that my outlook was not healthy; he said A/P was bound to set in sooner or later! Therapy (CBT, relaxation, etc.) really helped.

I'm not assuming your situation is the same, but if it is I can totally relate. After therapy I was fine for a year or so, but the A/P came back right after the birth of my second child. I didn't have any post-partum problems after the first, but this time was terrible! Really bad A/P with depression. I went on medication (paxil) which turned out to be a godsend for me. Together with the skills I learned in therapy I was able to realize exactly how stressed and tense I was. And it was all self imposed!

Once my eyes were fully opened, it was easier to change - to chill out quite a bit and not feel like I had to be everthing to everyone in my family. It has really made a difference.

I think your husband may make light of your fear as a means to try to alleviate it. If he said "Oh my God, youd'd better have it checked out right away!" it would probably flip you out - it would me!

Definitely check out therapy; in my opinion it is a very crutial step towards dealing with A/P.

Best of luck and take care,
Karen

K MCGRAW
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 1/6/2007 1:25 AM (GMT -6)   
thank you guys so much! it makes me feel better to know that im not the only one. everyone always makes fun of me, and laughs at me, including my dr. sometimes. its not as if i deny that i have a problem... i know that i have a problem, i just dont know how to fix it. im hoping to learn from all of you on this board... i have already started to feel better about the situation, after reading some of the other post on the board... infact, i saw another post on here about a fear of choking... thats a big one for me also. im afraid the dentist will drop her tools down my throat, im afraid to eat solids when im home alone, in fear that i will choke and no one will be here to help me... so, alot of the post have pertained to me in some way or another, and im so glad i found this board!

K MCGRAW
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 1/6/2007 1:26 AM (GMT -6)   
oh... what is p/s?
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