What should I do make my marriage meaningful?

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sabrina_d2d
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 1/11/2007 5:01 AM (GMT -7)   

I am 28 years old and I have been married for not even two years to a South Korean man, whom I met in Korea when I was teaching there. I brought him over to the States 7 months ago, and we are having massive marital problems. First there is a language barrier. I barely speak Korean and he barely speaks English. We can communicate somewhat and have our own little language devised but there is still much left to be desired. I am the sole provider and he is extremely dependent on me. He didn't even work in Korea, I did. I'm a grad student with high ambitions and he really doesn't want to do anything.
Our marriage is lifeless. He never wants to do anything but watch animation all day. I admit I'm not great either, as I am wrapped up in grad school and find myself involved in my own world and colleagues. We are just so apart intellectually. I know he's having adjustment issues (I know I did in Korea) but he never tries to adjust to this country. He won't really try to learn English. I enrolled him in English classes but we've dropped them. Not once has he even gone into a store by himself and get something. I pretty much do everything and I've grown so resentful of my role as caretaker. I feel more like a mom than a wife. I know in our marriage, I'm basically always going to be supporting him.
I feel ashamed of having such an emasculated husband. He really is a sweetheart and does try to clean the house, but he doesn't want to do anything else in his life. Some nights he'll drink himself into oblivion to the point of crying binges, which I'm getting fed up of dealing with (and he was like this in Korea too). I can't ever leave him...he's so dependent on me.  I guess I feel like I don't have a man.
 
P.S We can't even go to couples counseling because he doesn't understand English.


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/11/2007 5:22 AM (GMT -7)   
What made you marry him to begin with I cannot see any reasoning in this from your post
Sounds like you have been the caregiver from the beginning and I know I would be draggin him to a counseelor that does or is bilingual and get some stuff out on the table right quickly......
Does he expect you to support him all your life
Why wont he work and why do you keep putting up with it
This is not a good marrige from your post and I would be saying goodbye thats me and I dont know if you want to continue in this role subconciously or not but you need to step up and hold him accountable for this marrige and making it work if thats what you want
Sorry If I sound harsh I dont mean to be but I went thru something simulair many many yrs ago and I will never do it again
You say you cannot leave him as he is so dependant on you
'YES you can ...........
Your ambitions and goals are going to go to hades in a handbag IF you dont do something about this NOW..
This is a great place for support and empathy and I hope I havent scared you off lol not trying to but you are intelligent young and have the world by the __ so hunny kick him to the curb or find a way that he is going to be helping and contributing to this marriage in ALL aspects
Habits are easily made and it seems to be his habit having you do all and support all in this marrige
I feel your pain and frustration I really do and I am not a gruff or rude person this just bothers me to no end I wish I could just wave a wand and fix it for you but we both know I cannot do that
I will be your soft pillow to land on if you need it
If ya wanna talk my info is under my name at side okay
Please please do something
I am here for you
As are many others you will see what this forum and ppl are like
It has been my life line for a very long time
You take care and get ahold of me by email or whatever
dont deal with this on your own all the time
God Bless
Lyn

***PLEASE email me ** my name is Lyn


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 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
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                God Bless .........Lyn
Make The Best of The New year .......You Can and Will Reach your Goals
                              Loads of Love n Support
                                        Lyn   
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Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 1/11/2007 5:39:27 AM (GMT-7)


normalsnofun
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 2500
   Posted 1/11/2007 5:28 AM (GMT -7)   
I think Lyn said it all pretty well. I also wanted to welcome you to HW there is much support here...Hang in there and I hope you can find a viable solution
--Michelle
Moderator Anxiety/Panic Forum

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hunniebee
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 116
   Posted 1/11/2007 12:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Lyn said it perfectly! I just wanted to wish you luck sounds like a really challenging situation
Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.--


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/11/2007 12:50 PM (GMT -7)   
I am glad you's do agree with me I was thinking I was sounding harsh ....and I feel this is a difficult situation as we can see
Take care
Lyn
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......You can Do It........We are Here For You 
                God Bless .........Lyn
Make The Best of The New year .......You Can and Will Reach your Goals
                              Loads of Love n Support
                                        Lyn   
Co Mod @ Crohns
 Moderator@ Alzheimer's 
 Moderator @ Anxiety/Panic
 
 
                                  
                          
                                  


ramon9456
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 1/12/2007 3:30 AM (GMT -7)   

It really doesn't sound like your at all happy. And the best thing you can do for yourself and your husband is go for counseling. I know you feel bad or sorry for him but that's only allowing him to become more dependant on you. It doesn't sound like you LOVE him as much as you feel sorry for him. You must make an honest attempt to save your marriage. You can read a book called “Ten Days to a good Marriage” by Dr. Max Vogt Nevada City, California. See detail  www.TenDaysToAGoodMarriage.com You may get some marriage saving solution there.  Hope everything works out. Wish you all the best and true happiness. Let me know how things work out!!!!!!!!!!!!



Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/12/2007 4:07 AM (GMT -7)   
I hope you will come back and read the responses here hun
Know we are here for you plz
God Bless
Lyn
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......You can Do It........We are Here For You 
                God Bless .........Lyn
Make The Best of The New year .......You Can and Will Reach your Goals
                              Loads of Love n Support
                                        Lyn   
Co Mod @ Crohns
 Moderator@ Alzheimer's 
 Moderator @ Anxiety/Panic
 
 
                                  
                          
                                  


worrier247
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 97
   Posted 1/12/2007 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   
i have the same question, what made you marry him in the first place??  how long did you know him before marrying him?  you sound miserable, and i think you should try to make yourself happy.  he is a grown man, and you should not be caring for him like a child.  if he's so 'traumatized' being in a new country, etc, maybe he should go back home?  it might be less stressful for you.  you seem like you have a lot going for you, and that he is bringing you down.  i hope the best for you!  if you really want to save this marriage, i'm sure you'll be able to find a counsellor that speaks his language as well.
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