Thought I was doing well, but then.....

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5CatsOwnMe
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 1/14/2007 7:37 AM (GMT -6)   
I feel like a "Sunday Christian" (if that's the right phrase - I'm actually Buddhist). If I understand that phrase correctly, it describes someone who goes to church/worship on Sundays and feels they are doing A Good Thing, but during the rest of the week they're just plain rotten.

Well, I don't go to church (though I DO go to Temple regularly), but I, too, stay away from sources of support when I think I'm "doing OK". Then things fall apart, I eventually hit bottom, and I reach almost blindly for something - ANYTHING - that will ease the hurt and help me move on.

Does that make me a hippocrite? Or just stupid and selfise?

I'm not thinking clearly yet - the hurt is too fresh and and the shock too great. All I know is I can't stop hating (myself).

Although I do not agree with every single tenet of my faith, I DO believe that we reincarnate over and over. And the karma you bring with you from your last life must be expiated. To commit murder (even of one's self) means you drag the consequences of that act with you into your next life (or lives), and you have to deal with the consequences of THAT along with any other past transgressions.

It's that belief that keeps me alive. Well....breating, anyway.

And I'm willing to bet others see this situation as pretty dumb and not very important. I wish I felt the same way.

Short version: in November, I lost my job in a retail store. I did not see it coming, and it was a shock. I live with clinical depression and knew this could kill me if I let it, so I lost no time in going out and finding a better job. Better pay and better hours, that is. (I have an Honours degree from the University of Alberta, but figured I could settle for an OK job to earn tuition for my Masters).

Now I have been, as they say, "let go" from that job. Yesterday.

My work with customers was excellent. The reason for the firing was my "poor fit with co-workers", as they said. I have no doubt this is accurate. They are all far younger than I am, and spend all their off-work-hours together. There are several couples, and many of them live together. They all drink and "party" and are chiefly concerned with earning money. I have never felt comfortable among them, in a social sense. I have also been concerned (and fairly uncomfortable) about the nature of the work I did. The goal was always to Sell Material Things, and bringing in more money was seen as the ultimate goal (the job was based on salary + commission). This, obviously, was not the "perfect job".

But I did - and do - need the job quite badly. My goal was to earn enough to pay tuition for my Masters studies in Counselling. And today I am still reeling and badly hurt.

Does anyone realize what an enormous difference it makes to one's mental health to be WORKING? At anything? Yes, I ended up losing a lot of weight and my body is much healthier and tougher (no workouts, just work). More than that, it gave my life structure. Yes, I dreaded going in to work to the daily Soap Opera, but I've learned that this structure is invaluable.

I live in Alberta, where the economy is currently "red hot", as they say. I could get another retail job tomorrow. And I would probably be just as unhappy. Another "letting go" would finish me. Yes, I'm a well-educatied middle-aged woman who has a lot to offer (on paper at least). My mind knows this, but my spirit is battered and feeling hopeless.

Does anyone realize what an enormous difference it makes to one's mental health to be WORKING? At anything? Yes, I ended up losing a lot of weight and my body is much healthier and tougher (no workouts, just work). More than that, it gave my life structure. Yes, I dreaded going in to work to the daily Soap Opera, but I've learned that this structure is invaluable.

I simply don't know what to do next. Even my prayers and chanting seem hollow and pointless. Have I lost my faith? I won't say "yes" or "no" just yet, as I know a person needs time to recover from any shock or loss....but right now I feel abandoned, useless and without hope.

Your insights and suggestions would be very appreciated.


Thank you.

"Merricat"

I had to edit your post because some of the content violated some of the rules and regulations. If you have any questions about that please e-mail me. --Michelle

Post Edited By Moderator (normalsnofun) : 1/15/2007 8:13:04 PM (GMT-7)


GFK
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 275
   Posted 1/14/2007 10:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Sounds to me that deep down you feel your last job comprimised your own values and faith, and were not comfortable with yourself, let alone your coworkers who apparently do not feel the same way. As strongly as you sound to feel about it, I'm sure it must have been apparent to them.

My first thought after reading your post is that you need to find a job that you are comfortable with even if the pay is not quite as good. Your goal of a Masters degree is admirable, but may feel a hollow accomplishment if you have to go against what you believe in to get there.

I agree with your thoughs about working. I dont think you have lost your faith or you would not be in the quandary you are now in. Decide on your next job by listening to your heart - not your head.

Hope this helps. I'm sure you will be able to regroup soon.
Karen

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 1/15/2007 1:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Mericat,

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Too tired to tell you my story. However, I agree with karen that you have not lost your faith or you would not be struggling with it. At least you are not "indifferent." It sounds like you are a passionate person who is in a tough spot. It sounds like you are an intelligent woman and work is therapeutic. I do agree with this 100%, especially to people who are intelligent. An idle mind is the devils playground.

Hang in there with the job search and please do get the help that you need. A psychologist could help, a church support group, seeking out a prayer partner.

Keep looking UP.

Kelly
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
 
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normalsnofun
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 2500
   Posted 1/15/2007 10:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Mericat...

I hope things start looking up for you. I had to edit your post a bit. If you have any questions about what or why please e-mail me.

Wish you the best...
--Michelle
Moderator Anxiety/Panic Forum

Help Support the forums: www.healingwell.com/donate

"The best way out is always through. ~Robert Frost~

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
~Confucius~


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 1/15/2007 10:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Mericat, I'm sorry things are rough for you at the moment, it's really hard to lose a job, even one you don't like much.  I agree with karen that maybe it's best to find a job where material worth isn't as important (hard to find I know) but I can tell it's really conflicting with your beliefs and that would probably make your depression worse.  Could you work in a library or a more healing environment? If it takes a while to get work you really like maybe you could do some volunteer work somewhere you would like to be working to keep busy.  Maybe they would end up employing you.  Best of luck and keep us posted.  As Kelly said, try and look up no matter how hard. 

Dance like no-one's watching,
 
Love Thy Neighbour, just don't get caught!
 
NervyMeg

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