Codependent, in a relationship with someone who thinks we are not ment to be. Depressed...

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kcbeauty
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/18/2007 5:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone. I am new to healingwell.com. Admitting i need help is also knew to me.
I am in a relationship with a guy i met in collage. We have been together, on and off for the past 3 years. We always fight. He says he dosnt want to be in a relationship, but is with me because he knows how important it is to me, and loves me, but not in the way I love him. I am very Codependent on him. I always want to be with him and dont have any other close friends really. I go crazy when he dosnt pick up his phone or i dont know where he is. We have trust problems, we have both been unfaithful in the past but learned to push it to the side. I am deathly afraid of being without him, and worry all the time that he will break up with me again, or cheat again. I have never really been without a boyfriend since i was 16. I am 23 now. The 2 times we broke up, i begged him all the time to get back with me. I feel like i will have nothing, if i dont have him. I just graduated from collage and i feel like i have no idea what i want to do with my life. I am depressed alot, mostly when i am alone. I worry all the time, about money, about everything. My boyfriend says that he hates being around me because i am always negative and depressing. People constantly make comments on how they think i control him, and think that i live with him (but i dont), because i am always there. I want our relationship to work, because i am so in love with him. Our relationship isnt all bad, we have good times too, and the sex has always been great. I want to change, but i dont know where to begin. confused
 
Any Advice etc would be helpful...

nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 1/18/2007 6:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi KcBeauty and welcome to HW, you are in a good place.  I am sorry to hear you are in such a bad situation.  You probably don't want to hear this, but you asked for advice so I must say it: You really need to leave this guy.  I know it seems like the end of the world, and that he feels like your only lifeline right now but any person who would say he hates being around you because you are "negative and depressing" does not have your best interests at heart.  He probably enjoys having power over you because you feel so vulnerable right now.
 
Here's the thing though "feeling" vulnerable and "being" vulnerable are too very different things.  It sounds to me like you are a smart, compassionate and lovely person.  Congratulations on finishing college!! That's awesome!! You should be excited and looking forward to a great future, not feeling depressed (I'm not blaming you here, please don't get me wrong!!).  I suggest that you seek some advice from your doctor and maybe get some counselling.  There may be a physical reason why you feel so bad.  I also know that there are support groups called CODA (co-dependents anonymous) who can really help and support you through this
 
That said, I know it will be very hard to do this.  I know, I stayed in a marriage for three years with a guy who called me a "fat unworthy pig". Nice! I felt that if I left him no-one else would ever love me.  I'm now in a great relationship with a man who calls me beautiful and would never cheat (well he'd better not!!). I guess my point is, that although it looks bleak now, and will hurt you, things will be better in the long run.  The fact that this guy say's he doesn't love you the same way could be contributing to your depression.  I wish you all the best, please keep us posted on how you go, and please find a way to reach out to someone else because you are worth it.
 
Big supportive hugs my friend.
Dance like no-one's watching,
 
Love Thy Neighbour, just don't get caught!
 
NervyMeg


jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 1/18/2007 9:01 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi KC...Well, there is 'love' and 'in love' Your boyfriend has told you of his true feelings..but still you hang on for all you're worth!? Which is a shame because you really have an opportunity to live apart and get on with your own lives and both gain some well deserved happiness..How about seeking out some counselling/therapy...and sorting out your feelings so you can move on with your life and into a healthy relationship - not one based on 'need'.

Maree


MsKittie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 789
   Posted 1/18/2007 10:16 PM (GMT -6)   

Hello KC

Welcome to HW were so happy you have joined us here. You will find pleanty of suport here from friends that have been or are going thru the same things you are. It won't take you long to start feeling like you are a part of our lil family.

First off I want to give you a ((((((Big Hug)))))) from my heart. My X treated me the same way and one day it was like I woke up and decided he gets his strength from be-littling me and making me feel so weak so I decited to call him on some of his bluff's just to see how he acted. Boy did the tables turn at that time. He thought he was going to die when he started feeling like I didn't NEED him anymore. At that point he decided he would do anything to keep me but after seeing this it was to late for me I didn't want to be with him anymore and I realized I did love him but I was more obsessed with him and not being alone then the love I had for him. Honey you will get thru this and it will take time but you have friends here that will be here for you anytime you need to talk. Please don't throw your life away on someone less deserving of you. You deserve the best and the best is out there waiting for the right moment to show it's face. Please keep posting and my email is listed under members if you ever need to talk. Bless you hun and good luck with the desisions you make for your life.

 


(((HUGS)))
   MsKittie
 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
I have an illness, My illness don't have me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*                                      
 
Being happy doesnt mean everything's perfect.It means you've decided to see beyound the imperfrctions!God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but HE did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears & light for the way                                        

 

 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/19/2007 5:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Welcome
You have already been given Fantabulous advice and I will just add that we are here for you
You need to get some self worth hun and not be dep on any man IMO...
I was like Nervy for many yrs stripped me of everything til I grew a backbome and kicked him to the curb
Never happier
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bluemeanies
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 1372
   Posted 1/19/2007 3:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Great sex is no basis for a relationship, I know. I have been there done that and won't do it again. I have lived alone for 13 years now and like it much better than being in a bad relationship. If he has said he does not want to be with you (other than sexually) then you need to move on. It is not easy but it will be worth it. Just because you love someone does not mean they will love you back, pay attention to what he has said. Maybe you should talk to a counselor, it may help you to gain some self worth. Good luck.

anxiety veteran
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 103
   Posted 1/20/2007 1:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Dump him and move on. It will be very hard but time does heal. Do not let him patronize you. You can find someone who understands and loves you for who you are.

Twiggygal
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 924
   Posted 1/20/2007 4:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Dump his loser butt! Just my opinion...

but he doesn't sound like the supporting boyfriend that you need at this point in your life.

You are IMO too dependant on him and he just can't let go and you need to let him go.

Therapy/counseling as others suggested can help sort out your feelings.

Best of luck.

BTW- Welcome to HW :)


Twiggygal~
"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."

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nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 1/20/2007 6:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Where did you go KC???? We want to help, please come back :-)
Dance like no-one's watching,
 
Love Thy Neighbour, just don't get caught!
 
NervyMeg


kcbeauty
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/22/2007 1:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi All,
Thanks for your advice. I have been feeling better. He keeps giving me mixed messages, and always has. I feel like he is the one who is unsure and dosnt know what he wants. He tells me he needs me, and dosnt want to be with anyone else, but our relationship is what it is. He cant force himself to have deeper feelings. I have been trying to do stuff on my own and not depend on him so much. It is complicated, so i cant really just break up with, we are technically married by law. I want to show him i can be independant and have fun without him so he can see what he has and shouldnt let go of. I want it to work, but i know i have to figure myself out and my insecurity and self worth issues. The only time he complains is when he wants to go out with his friends etc, and do things apart from me. When we are together we are like best friends and know everything about eachother. I dont want to loose that. But we have broken up before and i cant handle being just friends.

nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 1/22/2007 6:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hm Kc, that's a tough one....If you really want to stay with him despite his lack of ability to access "deeper" feelings then that's up to you.  I remember (dimly lol) what it was like to be young and sure I had found my soul mate.  Problem was he didn't end up having much of a soul after all and I wasted precious years feeling insecure and depressed.  I hope you make the right decision for you, and know we are here to support you. (((hugs))

Dance like no-one's watching,
 
Love Thy Neighbour, just don't get caught!
 
NervyMeg

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