Really going out of my mind guys....

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krissie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 2/4/2007 8:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
I haven't really been on the site except to try to give some hopeful and encouraging words to others, but I am having a really hard time.  I have so much on my plate and I thought I bought the biggest plate I could find to carry it all, but it is not big enough.
My healing from my colostomy is not healing as it should, so I am freakin out about that.  My ex, not my girls dad is staying here b/c he has no where else to go and does not get enough money for a diability I have yet to see and it is an excuse every day about him trying to get a job.  I finally took a stand and kicked him onto the couch instead of me.  One for me, huh?
 
I tried to help justagirl11 and gave her every resource I could and even gave her my number.  I tried so hard to help her, because her story reminded me of myself when I was 16, but now she just calls at any time of night and I think it is an emergency and it is not.  She logs on now and then to get advice, but it is all the same things I tell her.  I even went so far as to get in touch with a helpline in her state and talked to them myself and gave her their # and email address...she won't call.  I told her she could say her name is bozo and they wouldn't care, but still, nothing.
 
Just found out that my mom who has been fighting a horrible fight with lung ca that spread to her brain ...all the chemo...all the radiation and the PET scan just showed more tumors in her brain and one behind her ribs.  She really wants to just let it all take its course.  I know at 37 I am a big girl, but she is only 58 and I can't or don't want her to stop trying.  The treatments are killing her.  I feel so selfish.
 
I have been taking the max dosage of my anxiety meds and I still am not sleeping. 
 
Thanks for listening, I needed to let some things out.
LUV YA ALL,
Krissie
CD, OCD, PTSD, Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and post op colostomy.
my meds are lexapro...the doc put me on it again, ativan, klonopin, fentanyl and vicodin ( she increased it to the 7.5's, thank God) and lunesta and asacol, synthroid, ultram and phenergan......I think I am a walking pharmacy...:)


libbyf
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 2/4/2007 9:06 PM (GMT -7)   
I have no advise for you but wanted to wish you the best.  Its very hard when our parents our ill, no matter our age their our last tie to childhood.  As for the young girl perhaps you need to let it go and concentrate on yourself for now.  Remember sometimes we have to accept that you can't help everyone.  Hope things go better for you.

krissie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 2/4/2007 9:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks,
Libby
CD, OCD, PTSD, Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and post op colostomy.
my meds are lexapro...the doc put me on it again, ativan, klonopin, fentanyl and vicodin ( she increased it to the 7.5's, thank God) and lunesta and asacol, synthroid, ultram and phenergan......I think I am a walking pharmacy...:)


Aussieangel
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 510
   Posted 2/4/2007 9:28 PM (GMT -7)   
krissie, I guess the old sayings true...it doesn't rain it pours.

I'm going through some similar stuff but just want to wish you well and pray for relieve from this illness for all of us.

Suzy35
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 248
   Posted 2/5/2007 1:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Krissie, I hope things get better soon for you. At times it just never seems to end. Don't feel bad about taking care of yourself, sometimes it just has to be done.

freezinginAK
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1052
   Posted 2/5/2007 2:02 AM (GMT -7)   

  Krissie

 I know that this maybe hard for you to understand losing a loved one but I think that your Mother knows she can't fight this one and is ready to let go of her pain but she dose love you so much and I'm sure that she would like to see you get better for she will allways be with you. But you need to help yourself as well and right now you need to empty that plate of helping others and deal with you and your Mom, just remmber that you can't think straght with that full plate. Other then that I'm not really sure what to say right now Krissie so I wish you the best for you, your Mother and your two girls.

  Cowboy up


chilkootpass
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 65
   Posted 2/5/2007 2:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Krissy,
I am hoping you will take your platter and break it in half honey. Let me say that stress can cause so many health problems and that can interfere with the healing process as well as cause new health problems. I know as I now have Rhematoid arthristis going crazy in my arm and knee. I am a diabetic on meds all because I kept filling my PLATTER FULLER and FULLER. You can only help folks who want to be helped. If the gal that you tried to help wont help herdelf and she keeps calling at times not good for you, then block the phone number. As for your Momma I know how hard it is to let some  one go but, as you said the treatments are killing her too. So what you can do is make her her feel at peace by repecting her wishes. I found with my dad by letting him choose how he wanted his last months it gave hime a sence of control and peace. OK I rambled enough take care girl. Chilkoot

krissie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 2/5/2007 1:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you to everyone for your words and prayers....especially the advice.  I just needed to vent and I cannot vent to my girls, they are too little for that ,although my Katie is turning into such a young woman and she knows what we or I talk about.....I can't keep trying to hide it from her b/c she know bits and pieces...figured them out on her own.
 
Gonna keep giving it my best!
 
Cowgirl Up!!!!!!!!
 
Krissie
CD, OCD, PTSD, Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and post op colostomy.
my meds are lexapro...the doc put me on it again, ativan, klonopin, fentanyl and vicodin ( she increased it to the 7.5's, thank God) and lunesta and asacol, synthroid, ultram and phenergan......I think I am a walking pharmacy...:)


AngMichelle
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 932
   Posted 2/5/2007 1:35 PM (GMT -7)   
I read your post and my heart broke. I am so sorry your struggling so much.
I hate that your ex is taking advantage of you right now, he should be helping you! I pray for your Mom, pray God will bring comfort and peace to her and to the family.
I pray for fast healing physically for you, and rest in so many ways.
I pray for your little precious ones.
Have a blessed week.
Ang
DX-Migraines:Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome:Kidney stones: IBS:Ulcers:Depression/Anxiety:Non-Epileptic Seizures:Buldging Disc:Joint pain
 
Surgeries- two jaw surgeries, appendectomy, numerous lap. surgeries, cyst removal
 
Meds: Lexapro 20mg, Klonopin 1mg, Trazodone 50mg
(PRN- Imitrex INJ, Pherergan, Stadol NS, DiaStat, Rantidine, Zanaflex)
 
May God give you a reason to smile today, an extra reason to laugh, and bring joy to your soul.


krissie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 2/5/2007 2:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Ang,
 
Thank you for the kind and helpful words...I feel like I am just falling away from life. Someone gave me the sugestion to break my plate in half, how?????
 
As for my ex, yes he should be helping out considering I am leting him stay here until he can get on his own feet, although it is always an excuse, once spring/summer comes he is out no matter what.  I can't kick him out in this cold.
 
Thank you for the prayers for my mom and family.  That will surely help.
 
Much thanks and LUV to you,
Krissie
CD, OCD, PTSD, Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and post op colostomy.
my meds are lexapro...the doc put me on it again, ativan, klonopin, fentanyl and vicodin ( she increased it to the 7.5's, thank God) and lunesta and asacol, synthroid, ultram and phenergan......I think I am a walking pharmacy...:)


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/6/2007 9:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Everyone is with you on this Krissy
Please know that
Lyn
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krissie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 2/6/2007 11:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Lyn,
  I know you have been going trough some hard times also.....I think and hope that all will turn out right.
 
Cowgirl Up, right???
 
Krissie
CD, OCD, PTSD, Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and post op colostomy.
my meds are lexapro...the doc put me on it again, ativan, klonopin, fentanyl and vicodin ( she increased it to the 7.5's, thank God) and lunesta and asacol, synthroid, ultram and phenergan......I think I am a walking pharmacy...:)


chilkootpass
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 65
   Posted 2/6/2007 2:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello there dear this is Chillkoot I was the one who said break the platter in half. Here is a few sugestions I have used myself... You have talked about the "X" and it is cold where you are and you can not kick him out into the cold.. I understand that and appreciate it but, here where I live there is a place called the mission and then he isnt in the cold and has a place to stay...The gal who keeps calling stop that so you can rest on vocous on you and your healing. Only concern yourself with that which you can actually have control over. You can not control your moms coancer but, you can control the quality of time you spend with her. See these are things you can do to break the platter in half. Hope I ve been helpful. I myself had to make some VERY hard tough love decisions in the past. You know what you will not only gain repect of yourself but from others as well. Cowgirl up darlin Chilkoot

GFK
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 275
   Posted 2/6/2007 3:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Krissie,

SO sorry about your mom and all you are going thru. I lost my Dad almost 5 yrs ago (I was your age) and your post brought those last days all back. We wer lucky in that Dad wasnt sick for very long - he was diagnosed with gallstones and had started the pre-op testing when his blood results indicated cancer. Three weeks later he was gone.

I remember the last day in the hospital - me, my mother and sister told him it was ok to move on (even though he was not "concious" at this point) and said our "goodbyes". We went to the cafeteria for coffee and when we came back he was gone. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it helped to be able to actually say all those things to him at the end rather than having the regrets most people do because they dont have the chance.

Anyway, no matter how old we are, losing a parent is really hard. In some ways our position is even harder, but we have the opportunity to say all the the things most people regret never having the opportunity to say.

Wishing you the strength to cope and heal.

Karen

krissie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 2/6/2007 3:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Chilkoot,
 
Hope I got that right.  Thank you for the advice, but the ex leaving is not an option.  At the end of our marriage he was doing a load of drugs, got arrested 3 times and spent time in jail...138 days to be exact.  Well every time he got out, he went to shelters an such and he got kicked out of everywhere, burned all his bridges.  (boy I have a lot of baggage)  So even though he burned me, I just cannot let him be in the freezing weather.  Since I am still dealing with my mom and my illness and such, I have him do the errands and things around the house and he has to give me his entire SS check witch is nothing, because he hardly worked, like now and I honestly don't know what is disabled.  Cannot wait for spring.
 
Karen,
thanks for sharing what you went through with your Dad.  That helps a lot.
 
To all of you:  Always Cowgirl Up!!!!!
Krissie
CD, OCD, PTSD, Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and post op colostomy.
my meds are lexapro...the doc put me on it again, ativan, klonopin, fentanyl and vicodin ( she increased it to the 7.5's, thank God) and lunesta and asacol, synthroid, ultram and phenergan......I think I am a walking pharmacy...:)

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