I'm new on this forum. I'm 16 years old with a severe anxiety with occasional panic attacks. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for about
12 months now. My anxiety derives from social situations, but a lot of other stuff too. Excuse my language but heres the rant about
I have been anxious since I can remember, panic attacks since about
the 7th grade (now a sophmore). I have only admitted to my problem to my mom last March when my school was going to kick my out for skipping too often. Nobody in my family had really noticed I had a problem, they just thought I was shy around people. I kept my problem so well hidden now that when I look back at the years I shock myself. So when I had to tell my mom that I had a problem it was quite a shock.
I was skipping school b/c I hated being around people, it makes me soooo anxious and last year as a freshmen it became so unbearable to be in school I just skipped all the time. I was in school from September to March, skipping just as many days as I was in. The teachers were breathing down my neck for being absent so much (which made me extremely anxious) and every time a letter was sent home from the school I would always throw it away before my mom would find it. By March time the headmaster wanted a meeting with my mother discussing my attendance, at this time I had to tell her about
my problem as if I didn't I knew I would have been expelled. (My school is so ****ed up that it took until March for them to address this problem, but you'll read about
that later) So I told her. At first she didn't believe me b/c she thought this was a cover-up for my skipping, but the same day when she saw me have a panic attack (the first time she had seen it) she knew I wasn't lying. A few days after this I saw my psychiatrist. I told my psychiatrist about
my problem and she took me out of school, tutoring for the rest of the year.
Sine last March I have been tutored, now I'm in my sophmore year not having seen a single day in a sophmore class. Recently my tutored has been somewhat canceled, the school district has to approve for me to be tutored again as my PHD doctor who prescribes wrote a letter of absence until December 25. Since then I have not been to tutoring or done one bit of school work. This sophmore year has just been a royal **** up because my school district is absolutely horrendus. It's been over 2 months now and I'm still not being able to be tutored, this school year falls on MY shoulders because of the city's **** up. Now I how no idea whats gonna happen with my school. I don't know if I'll be able to catch up on my school work, stay back, I have no idea. So that's my school situation in a nutshell (it's been much more complicated but if I were to type out everything It would literally take me a few days.)
Now for the school district:
My school district has been the worst thing that has happened to me. It's horrible to say the least. Since last March a 504 plan has not even been completed even after MANY meetings. They have dropped the ball with my case to say the least. My tutoring has been delayed numerous times b/c of the school district with every time I have to make up a TON of work in an aburd amount of time
Not only that nut I'm not even sure I have got credit for the work I did LAST YEAR
They wanted to put me in sped classes because it's nice and quiet and would make the best situation for me, one problem, I am FAR from a sped, I have been on high honors since I was in kindergarten. That was a ****ing insult and a half, they just wanted to save some money by putting me in sped classes instead of actually helping me. My school district has done everything wrong that could possibly go wrong and then some. I am getting infuriated just typing so I won't continue writing ALL their **** ups, that will be an entire thread in itself. So you you get the picture, it's literally the worst school district in the nation it's made my life so darn aggravating and it's made my anxiety sky rocket many days.
My ***** with my school:
My school is nowhere near as bad as the school district but it also sucks. It being the largest school in the Eastern US (so I have been told) has made my social anxiety impossible to handle while I was there. But since I have been out of there the problems just keep on rolling in. I don't think I received any credits for the work I did LAST YEAR thanks to my guidance councilor
This year seems to be a total waste mostly in part from the school district but the school has also ****ed up. For 4 months my geometry teacher had been giving me the WRONG work, I don't get credit for this and now I have to make up what I missed, AKA the ENTIRE year
Then my Spanish teacher refused to hand over any work as he said I wasn't a student there, sure it was because of a mis-communication and not his fault, but I still have to make up ALL the work. WAY more problems than this but again I can't list them all.
My Current Status with School:
Who knows? This year might have been totally wasted AS WELL AS LAST YEAR too, even though I did all the work. Frustrating to the point of tears.
Luckily my psychiatrist has been great, bad news is I haven't made any progress thanks to myself
My psychiatrist is obviously a good doctor, knows her stuff real well. BUT, since I have zero self confidence (always have) I am unable to mention certain things. This is because I am too shy because of my lisp and I avoid saying certain things because I'll be too embarrassed. Also, when she tells me to do certain things, like talk to someone in public and I don't do it, I tell her that I did do it b/c I will feel awkward if I say I didn't do it. Then when she thinks I have conquered one part of my "curing process as I cal it" she moves on to something different when I am actually still stuck on the last step. To date I have made progress in very few areas, (if any) all thanks to myself. I am too embarrassed to tell her that the last year I have been seeing her has been a total waste. WHAT DO I DO???
My Social Life:
Non-existent. Zero friends (yes, zero), I basically never go out in public. I can't make new friends with people b/ I am too nervous/shy and I have no friends from past years. This is the most disappointing part of my life. I wouldn't be typing this at 2:58 AM if I did have a social life. I don't even feel like typing anymore on this.
So basically what was the point of this post? I don't know. I just kinda need to get everything off my chest. I am watching the days go by while everyone is enjoying life while I haven't done anything with my own. Having no friends or basically a life is really eating away at me, I don't feel like I can take it anymore. Being so isolated from everything sucks. I feel like I'm stuck in a cage with nothing to do all day. No one to talk to, no one to have fun with, just complete isolation. I don't have suicidal feelings or anything but sometimes I just feel like why am I even trying anymore? All the time I just feel isolated, lonely, sad, bored, angry, frustrated, with some moments of enjoyment but not many.
So thats my rant about
my life. I don't know whether I'm looking for guidance or just someone to talk to, either way it feels good to get everything off my chest.