Why do I worry about EVERYTHING?!!

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andwes
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Date Joined Oct 2006
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   Posted 3/21/2007 9:10 AM (GMT -7)   
I already know the answer to that question but it still makes me mad at myself.....it's because of this anxiety/depression/panic disorder.  The other reason is because my life history has been like one black cloud hanging over my head that won't leave - Bad Luck Suzy they should call me.  So I guess I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Right now I'm STILL waiting to get the formal "job offer" that I've been told is coming my way - I've even been told when my start date will be - but still no formal offer.  So I worry about some glitch in that.  Then this problem with my eye that I've posted about previously is still bothering me and no matter what anyone tells me I'm still convinced it's a brain tumor or something horrible like that.  And then I'm worrying about money (not enough of it to survive) and my son's problem with his heart (which we're seeing a doc about this afternoon).  And when I feel this internal "worry" sensation it makes me shakey inside and feeling like I'm lightheaded and going to faint.  You'd think after all these years I'd just "let things go" but I can't, no matter what.  Talk about gloom and doom.  I NEVER share that outlook with anyone around me though, as I hate whiners and complainers so won't be one myself....so it just stays inside and festers...except on this site where I feel comfortable letting it all out.  On the outside everyone thinks I'm Miss Happy-Go-Lucky but what a farce!!  The absolute opposite of that is what I actually am inside.  On the one hand I have to admit that with all the bad luck I've had in my life it's pretty understandable to be pessimistic (and I was always optomistic when I was young) but I know that attitude doesn't help a situation.  From reading all of your posts it does seem that we poor souls with this affliction of anxiety do over-worry everything but it sure would be nice if they could come up with a cure for that.  I will admit that when I was on anti-depressants I didn't let life things bother me as much, but I continued to have so much anxiety that I felt I was better off without them.  Maybe I should rethink that at this point.  Once again, just venting for the sake of feeling a little better - and posting here at least does that much for me.  Thanks for listening.

Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/21/2007 9:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Always here to listen
I was too just like you happy on the outside literally being eaten alive by stress and worry but never letting ppl know
I could Multi task do it all run a Retirement home be a great wife and Mom house spotless a little bit of Martha Stewart ness lol
Finally I crashed I lost it totally and completely I had always done for others worried when they didnt that kind of stuff I know now I have to take time and be with the real me and NOT worry
The world will still carry on IF I dont help or worry bout it ,,,it was hard to quit and I still fall back on it BUT I am working on that too with CBT
I do wish you all the best and if you feel that you might need meds then by all means take them,you have to stop the worry train and get off ....
Support ids here my friend always
LYN
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andwes
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Date Joined Oct 2006
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   Posted 3/21/2007 9:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the words of support - they really and truly mean alot.  I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to about any of these worries/concerns and I'm not about to burden them on my 15-year-old so I have to be jolly-Molly with him too.  So I think it's fair to say that this place is a real "haven" for those of us who have no one and it's probably alot more valuable than people realize - and as I said before - cheaper than a shrink.  I'm glad you've learned to "let things go" a bit - it's a real learned behavior I guess and you could be right, maybe I should go back on the Anti-D's to put me on that track again. 

Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/21/2007 9:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Come here and talk and vent all ya want hun I am not completely cured lol Never a total cure for the total worrier I ( you) am
I try not to let my teen get it all either she does not need the added stressors in her life she already " mother Hens " me to pieces
Gotta be greatful for the gift they are
It is hard but take a few things you May be worrying about and bury them .LITERALLY....
Cut up pieces of paper with your worst worries BUT NOTHING you can do worries and place them in a box wipe hands together determined not to worry about what is in there anymore .well for now go on to the things you can do something about do what you can and be thankful you contributed or tried your hardest to do ....
Every worry will find a solution if you do it in a way you have control
DO NOT let the worries control you anymore at least give it a shot the ones you can " fix" immediately do so and write down on paper and then the ones you will work on tomorrow on same paper check them off guarenteed by the end of the week you are fulfilled and EXHUASTED by all you have done and worried about
My " Worry Box" is safely buried in my closet ........
When I am all out of worries to do I will go and get a few more I can work on
Hope this helps ya
Keep posting
WE WILL WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..........LYN
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spelcheq
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Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/22/2007 9:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Now that anxiety is under control, I am in awe how I ever got to 58 in one piece..........I was being counselled for anxiety at 17.......over the years it never, ever let me out of its grip............I worried 24/7......lived with that fear feeling in my chest always. So when I started taking 10 mg. of a drug called Buspirone (sic) last fall and it worked, I was speechless. Add to that Wellbutrin for depression and Lamictal for mood swings and I am better than I've ever been with regard to anxiety, depression and mood swings........don't feel medicated. I know that combination won't work for everyone but I sure wish it could. Its been like a miracle.

andwes
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Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 728
   Posted 3/22/2007 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much for all the words - I have to pass this quote I read somewhere along to all my fellow "worriers." "Worry is like a rocking chair - it keeps you real busy, but it doesn't get you anywhere."

Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/22/2007 1:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Great Quote andwes
Have it now on my computer wall amongst many others
Be well
LYN
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nervymeg
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   Posted 3/22/2007 4:00 PM (GMT -7)   
I used to have a worry box as well when I was a kid!!! Wow!! It really helped. Now I have worry dolls and I give each one a worry and leave them alone to stress for me.  Well it's not that simple lol but I try.  Andwes, if the anti-deps did work for you maybe you could try going back on them for a trial period? And please keep venting, it helps me to feel normal too because I think all those things!!!

I alone can do this, but I cannot do it alone. 
 
NervyMeg


sloan
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 64
   Posted 3/22/2007 11:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Sorry you are going through this. I know how it is to be a worry wart. I do it too. I worry about things that didn't even happen yet or might not even happen or have no chance of happening. I have been on effexor xl also and it isn't helping. It's been about 5 weeks now. Anxiety and depression are taking their toll on me. If you find the answer to stop it let me know fast. Good luck.

andwes
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Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 728
   Posted 3/23/2007 5:22 AM (GMT -7)   
I certainly don't have any magic cure for stopping anxiety/panic but after suffering with it on and off for 40+ years I can say one thing - it DOES go away at times - and sometimes for a LONG time - I've actually had periods of 8+ years when I didn't feel afflicted with daily anxiety - maybe I still had "issues" but I didn't feel that day-to-day horrible angst that at other times ruled my life.  And it wasn't that everything in my life turned rosey or anything - it was just that for some reason (maybe good hormone levels) that overpowering anxiety wasn't present.  Now a couple of years ago the anxiety/panic returned after about 5 years of feeling relatively okay - and it was just as bothersome this time as ever before BUT I knew where to turn, I knew what it was, and I knew I had to confront it immediately - that's when I first went on anti-depressants and started venting on this site.  As I said before, I did stop taking the anti-deps after about six months as I found they were not helping with the anxiety, just helping me "cope" with situations, but I may go back on them again or at least switch to another kind.  For some of us I guess anxiety is something that will always be a part of our lives, for some just temporary and for some on and off.  As far as I'm concerned it can be as debilitating as any other "disease" that's out there and people who have never suffered with it can't understand what we go through - I think we deserve alot of credit for getting through our daily lives with such a burden - we'll never get credit for it but for those of us who suffer, we should give ourselves a big pat on the back sometimes - life is difficult enough as it is - and even more so when you have to cope with this additional trial.  I don't know about you but every once in awhile I've said to myself, "Man, if anybody knew how "crazy" I feel in my head they'd lock me up" but usually no one notices it but ourselves....quite a tough thing to live with on top of everything else.  So all I can say is - realize it WILL pass - even for a time - and with each return you'll be stronger and more able to deal with it until the next "relief."
 
 

Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/23/2007 7:03 AM (GMT -7)   
andwes
I too have had periods where I dont worry and yes you are spot on
Realize it .Deal with it and you do get stronger with each time
Be well
LYN
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spelcheq
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Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/23/2007 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Andwes

You're so right about "if anyone knew"........I feel anxiety can be described as living with a constant fear that "something bad is going to happen" all the time........even when good things are happening. And I also believe we have situational anxiety.....certain events, people, experiences turn the anxiety on and it either stays on simmer or drives you to the crazy boil level.

You can't avoid life unless you just stop living it...but you can avoid the people and events and situations that throw you into an anxiety or panic attack......well maybe not always....unless you do something drastic, for example, leave your husband as I did almost 6 months ago. Between the medications and the positive changes I made its gotten so much better.

I get scared often at night living alone, but I never thought I'd feel happiness again and I do.....just me and my little 8 month old Yorkie......who loves me deeply! So nice.


Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/23/2007 4:32 PM (GMT -7)   
spelcheq
Spot on
I have my daughter and my animals and that helps
I had the " impeding doom theory" for so many yrs
Now I try my dangdest to go with the flow
Sometimes it works sometimes it dont but I too carry on.......
I asked my hubby to leave about the same time as you as I thought with all illnesses I have and him being many yrs my senior I was a burden and he needed to live his life free of me
I love him still always will but sometimes it is to hard to carry the thoughts that you are a burden I was going thru tx for a serious disease and have crohns and other illnesses and he hovered over me causing me anxiety w/o meaning to .........
I hear ya I really do .......
Be well
Stay strong and stay with us .......
LYN
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spelcheq
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Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/23/2007 5:18 PM (GMT -7)   

howlyncat

How unusual that our situations seem so similar......my husband is 15 years my senior and I also went through the feelings that I was a burden to him..he also hovered over me..in fact he seemed empowered by my poor health.....it did something for him in some strange way.

But the real truth is that he was my burden....always seeming so kind and soliticous.....but always cloaking his anger and agression in being such a good guy.....yet not so good.

My real first clue of that was about 2 years ago when we were considering selling the house and moving.......he didn't like anywhere that I liked....but he strongarmed me when he found a place he liked but I didn't....."Okay I'll just look for a smaller place" he said. Secret meaning: "Ok, if you don't do it my way I'll do it without you. You'll be alone. See how you like that!"

That threw me, as he knew it would, into a panic. What would I do without him? How would I cope? How would I survive? From that day on I saw his actions in a new light......and six months ago the questions became "How long will I live if I stay with him?" and "How will I cope and survive if my life continues along this path?"

Wow....so after we did sell our home, I took the CD we bought with the extra funds, cashed it in, paid off all our debt, opened my own account, split the balance evenly and filed for separation.........and God knows where I ever got the strength.

I live on $1350 a month (we'd had a house in AZ on a golf course) in a brand new lower income development. I got involved in a little volunteer work.I have about 3-5 functional days a month....went back to church......even made a new galfriend from my new dentist's office to see movies with.

This sure beats being in bed believing I was a complete invalid for 7 years! There still are days when the pain is so bad I wonder how I'll ever grocery shop again.......but then my last two days have been fairly good. That's just how fibro/chronic fatigue and all the attending complications goes.

But here is the shocking wrap up to my story: three weeks after I moved 5 hours away from him my husband went into the hospital and was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer...and over the past 5 months I've traveled back to help him out for a few days at a time.......I feel so badly for him because I still care so much but I have no control over the situation and do what I am physically able to do to help.......after my last trip to help out I was in bed for 2 straight weeks. Finally his three kids have made arrangements to help him move back to CA, he has responded well to chemo and I hope he has some good months with his kids and grandkids...he's not a bad guy.......but finally I see for the first time in my life that if I don't put my well being first no one will.

It's so nice to be able to vent here and tell a little of my story and get feedback......so kind of you to answer my message! I think I will hang around for awhile............


sloan
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 64
   Posted 3/24/2007 12:05 AM (GMT -7)   
spelcheq,
Do you feel happier on your own? I might be on my own soon and I don't like the idea of it. It's not up to me though. If anyone knows how to appear happy in front of people let me know. I have a problem hiding it.
Sloan


spelcheq
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/24/2007 8:05 AM (GMT -7)   
sloan

Yes I am happy living alone....I have lots of healing to do because of the mental anguish from my marriage, but I;m making it on my own with very little and I'm proud of me. Its easier to be happy when you like yourself........I didn't understand your comment about hiding happiness in front of people? Do you mean you do not want people to know you are happy?

sloan
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 64
   Posted 3/24/2007 11:01 PM (GMT -7)   
spelcheq

I'm sorry I didn't write it right. I meant how does a person try to appear happy when they are not. It's hard for me to be happy around people when I don't feel happy. Sorry about the news about your husband being sick.


Sloan

Post Edited (sloan) : 3/25/2007 12:18:48 AM (GMT-6)


spelcheq
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/25/2007 7:45 AM (GMT -7)   

sloan

It is hard to impossible to come off as happy when you are not....but in the past when I was unhappy I tried to change my habit of reviewing everything I've done wrong in my life to concentrating on what I've done right. Who do you have to pretend to be happy for? You feel what you feel, it's your right to have these feelings and you don't have to live by the measuring stick of happiness of everyone around you.

After 14 years of deep unhappiness and depression, my husband did one thing too many to provoke me on purpose and I realized I was truly "sick" of him; he was (still is) annoying, petty and when he finds something bothers you he does it repeatedly to annoy you. I should have known when he told me how much he enjoyed "sticking it" to his ex-wife when he found out what annoyed her.

Long after I stopped loving him he would keep saying things like "our deep love will get us across this bridge"....in the middle of an argument in which he purposely drove me to hysteria. He felt powerful when he could do that to me. And as sick as he is with cancer, he keeps the pressure to control me turned on high. Living 5 hours away helps.

Once I stopped pretending I was happy with him there was so much weight off my back and I could plan and look forward to the days I could wake up alone with peace in my life and a sweet little Yorkie cuddled next to me.

I did find that trying to spend time around people I enjoyed gave me the "happy shots" I needed....because I didn't need to pretend around those people.

I will say that after trying many anti-depressants, when my doctor put me on Wellbutrin, 5 weeks after beginning it I woke up one morning clearheaded and anticipating the day.......it was more the total absence of depression that struck me rather than waking up "happy"..........but the happiness gradually came around. If I have to stay on Wellbutrin for life iy is worth it......I don't know how I made it through 5 years of non-stop chronic, painful depression. Thank God.


Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/26/2007 2:00 PM (GMT -7)   
I too feel that Howie felt IMPOWERED from my illnesses and I have plenty of them some quite serious which I have only told very few about ..........
But I live as you Spelcheq...On a fixed income starting going back to Church and being abele to do what I wanted to do w/o feeling I HAD to do as he wanted
He also used his diabetes as well with me ........
I could NO longer live with us being in same room and feeling lonely ya know or hearing " I love you" as kinda just empty words

I and Cait are doing much better althought she does miss th step dad and his love for her ......told her he always will love her no matter what transpires betwen us and it was NOT her fault in any way .......

We have only ONE life and we have to be happy with our life and selves ......just my half cent worth
Be well
LYN


**** Sloan spelcheq has given you great input so I will leave this with you and her.........
Take care and be well

MY theme song was always
"Tears of a Clown"
"If there's a smile upon my face it's only there trying to fool the public"..............

NOW it is
" I will Survive "
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spelcheq
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/26/2007 9:10 PM (GMT -7)   
howlyncat

One thought........I didn't listen to the music I love for 14 years.........I didn't watch the TV shows I liked for 14 years.........I can't tell you the "power" I feel with the remote in my hand.......and sometimes I turn sports on just for the sheer pleasure of turning it off again! How funny is that!?

sloan
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 64
   Posted 3/27/2007 2:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks howlyncat and spelcheq. People at work and when I go out can tell I'm upset. I am dealing with it though. People don't mind their own business and even get happy about it. I am going to try to be happy but it is very very hard.
Sloan


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/27/2007 4:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Sloan so glad you are gonna deal with it you can do it we are here for you anytime okay
LYN


Spelcheq......LOVE it lol I do same and the wrestling as well he had to watch that
WHY ....I dont know ......


I am a Maple Leaf Hockey fan though he wasnt so now I turn it on kick back and watch to hearts content
OMG there is so many similarities isnt there

Be well and hold that remote close
LYN
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sloan
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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 64
   Posted 3/28/2007 2:16 AM (GMT -7)   
 Thank you Lyn. It's good to know.
Sloan


spelcheq
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/28/2007 10:24 AM (GMT -7)   
howlyncat/sloan

I've never participated in a forum before.......it's the strangest feeling being able to vent, say what you want, get supported.........it's like having new friends.

One thing I haven't been able to conquer across the years is a bit of agoraphobia........at the grocery store I'm in a cold sweat and feeling closed in on all sides by the time I reach checkout.........I'm happier at home than I am anywhere else but maybe that's how it's supposed to be.........church is less of a challenge but the feeling is still there......same at malls and the movies.

Years ago (when I was 35!) I received tickets to a ZZ Top concert and that's where I had my first true panic attack........I was in the crowd on the floor of the concert hall when it hit me and I clawed my way to the perimeter, followed along a wall to the restroom and I was sick, sick, sick!

I come from a large Irish Catholic family where home, being at home, staying home, going home was emphasized. We didn't seem to need or know the outside world. To this day if one of my siblings throws a party the revelers are all my other siblings! I've spent New Years Eve with family, at home, for 58 years! I think that's both special and isolationistic, if that's a word.

I know home is where the heart is, but home seems to be all I need. I guess if I enjoy my own company I am lucky.........but isn't it a bit weird to be so content being home alone?

As for the agoraphobia, it doesn't rule my life (I think) but it would be so nice to go grocery shopping, or any shopping, without leaving with hair soaking wet and perspiration streaming down my face, literally.

Suggestions? Opinions?

Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/28/2007 5:16 PM (GMT -7)   
OMG me too I had first attack at a Pink Floyd concert
I was brought up Catholic but left the Church yrs ago I felt like if I took an extra cookie I had to Confess lol
Leaving the 'Safe Zone" ( house) was really hard for me for quite awhile and shopping it was a big NO NO unless I was mediacted .........haha
Now I am out and doing things but malls and busy stres do still paralyze me I have left shoping carts full and walked out ..........
Wow I swear we lived almost the same life ceot I am a sober alcoholic form 1979 went thru hell and back lots of demons there
Add me to your msn or yahoo so we can all have a good ole chat .......
be well
Remote is yours
Luv LYN
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