Well, here I am again....you may remember some of my previous posts re. finally landing a great full time job - but here's the kicker. It's a government job so I have to jump through hoops with an extensive background check, drug test and, my biggest fear in life - A PHYSICAL!! Oh dear God, when I read that in the offer package I almost flipped out - I am SO doctor phobic that my blood pressure skyrockets whenever I go, I smoke so I'm sure they'll discover some lung problem, I have this continuing problem with my left eye that I'm afraid they'll find is something serious and I'm even paranoid about the drug test - not that they'll find drugs but that they'll find blood in my urine or something or find that I'm actually diabetic and that's why my eye is bothering me. I am just totally consumed with fear ever since I got this package in the mail on Saturday and haven't been able to sleep or eat since. I had hoped that I could just get into the job, wait the thirty days til insurance kicked in and then at least go to an opthamologist for my eye problem but now I'm afraid they'll find all these things ahead of time and refuse me the job - or at least force me to go to a doctor before starting and the thing is, I can't - I am flat broke and can't afford an extra dime, never mind doctors and tests, etc. I'm really beside myself at this point and truly need your support to get through it. This is a fabulous opportunity and my HUGE lifelong health anxiety could ruin it for me....even if I don't have anything seriously wrong (which I'm convinced I do), I get sooooo nervous even stepping into a doc's office that at the very least my BP will spike through the roof. I wish I had some Xanax to calm me down for the appt. but I don't think my regular doc will give me any, as I haven't been in to see him in over a year (same old fear). I try so hard to talk to myself and try to calm this irrational fear with more rational thinking but it only last a short period and then I'm right back to the same pessimistic, doom and gloom scenario. I don't tell anyone except you folks about this because I am VERY private at work and always try to make it look like I'm in control of everything and completely on top of the world - what a farce. In reality, I am so ashamed of myself, my lack of courage and allowing myself to be so consumed with this fear. I am trying to take one day at a time...today I am filling out all the background check material (so paranoid that I'll put down something wrong - work dates,etc.) and credit check info (and naturally, after being laid off three times in ten years my credit stinks so I'm also afraid THAT will keep me from being approved too). Friday I go for drug screening (you'd think I was going for brain surgery!) and I'm trying to put off physical until AFTER I actually start in job (that can be done during first week of starting job). But believe me, for someone like me, it's an hour to hour, day by day struggle to forge ahead and do what I need to do.....I literally feel like falling apart so often.....people think I'm so strong and I'm actually so weak. So I'm here to just solicit your support and encouragement. I can't let this opportunity slip by (and there were actually a few times when I even considered not taking the job just because of this physical - how insane is that?) so I'll need help to get through it. I'm turing 60 in August and there aren't alot of job opps out there for someone my age so this is something I SHOULD be thankful for - instead I'm just in a state a panic, convinced that SOMETHING will happen so I won't end up getting it. The money (more than I've EVER made) and the benefits are fantastic but I'm so used to bad luck during my lifetime that I can't imagine anything good happening. What a sad way to live.