Could this be true?

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Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 36
   Posted 4/28/2007 12:22 PM (GMT -6)   
I've had posted before, but I don't think I could explain it or lay it out like this until I did some research.  27 year old male....I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and OCD.  My OCD is not the typical OCD...I drink, can't remember and think worse case scenario like I could have murdered someone or something like that.  This lasts for awhile until I have worried it out of my system and then I don't even think about it.  I don't do things repetishiously (sp) or anything like that.
Over the last 3-4 years, I have been on Xanax, Paxil, Cymbalta, Buspirone, Clomipramine (had to go to E.R. on this stuff after one dose), Clonazepan, Mirtazipine, Zoloft, Zyprexa, Seroquel, Prozac and Welbutrin.  I currently take 20 mg of Lexapro and 10 mg of Ambien for sleep.  However, I feel I am getting no better.  I will admit I didn't give all of these a fair shot, as I was in that state of mind "I don't need these."  My close friends and family stated that "you were fine when you weren't on medication, but you would go out and drink, not remember what you did and think the worse...which would lead you to become almost debilitated and then you would go to the doctor and get put on something."  Sometimes I drank on the meds, but rarely.  I started taking medication about 3 to 3 1/2 years ago when I was worrying excessively about my job, but I really don't think anything has helped me.  My ex stated "you would be fine for like a month on the meds, but then you would drink and it would get worse."  I recently quit my job and have been taking Lexapro for about 2 months.  I was initially prescribed 2 mg of Clonazepan per day, but quit as I felt edgy and I've heard the addiction stories.  Some people have told me it's fibromyalgia, but I am not tender at vary many of the points and don't feel overly exhausted and if I was I can attribute that to being very stressed out at work and a lot going on in my job was the worst ever and very mentally exhausting.  I had hated it for four of the five years I was there.  I've had all blood work done and everything comes out fine.  My biggest problem is my eyes feel very large, blurry and wide open and it's hard to stare at something for awhile without it making my neck feel stiff and start to somewhat twitch. 
1.  Is it possible that all these medications, although not taken at the same time, could have thrown off my chemistry and being causing me to become worse?
I have always been a worrying type of person, high energy, but once I started on the Xanax about 3 years ago, I missed two doses while I was out of town and had which was almost like a seizure, which they contributed to the missing the Xanax.  I feel that is when I went downhill.
This last week my anxiety and everything has been much worse.  My body feels like it's going a million miles an hour, like I could run through a wall or something.  I can't relax.  It's hard for me to have a conversation with anyone, as my eyes make me feel like I look crazy and they are thinking that.  I can't sleep worth a crap and have no appetite.  No patience, very irratible, no motivation, sex drive, speech seems not to come as easily, twitching legs, diarheaa constantly for like 6 months (maybe a few times not), with like 6-8 bowle movements per day, forgetfullness, brain fog, my right ear feels like it is a blown speaker when I'm on the phone or someone talks loud, front of the head headaches.  I've tried walking, running etc..., and have cut back on my mountain dew, pepsi, copenhagen intake, but I still drink little to know water.
2.  Is it possible that all these medications I've taken, although they are out of my system, could be causing my serotonin levels to be too high?
I have been told by many people close to me that they think the medications make me worse if anything.  Like I said, even my father told me I haven't given everything a fair shot, but for the most part I have.  My biggest problem is the way my eyes feel and the not being able to talke to people like I used to or have a relationship.  I feel even my kids look at me like I'm different and they are both under 7.
3.  Could stress on top of anxiety and depression cause my eyes to feel funny or this way?  Does anyone else experience this or have any ideas?
I did the stress test and anxiety test and it was like looking at an auto biography of myself.
4.  Could the Lexapro being having an adverse reaction on my body although I have been on it for about 2 months?  Does the Lexapro need something like the Clonezapan to even it out?
5.  In your opinion, should I be on any medications at all?  Especially when something only seems to work temporarily and nothing has helped long term?  if nothing has worked and I've tried so many, could it just be the fact that I shouldn't be on anything?
I can't contribute it to just an SSRI or any other, as I've been on so many.
My ex said I have these breakdowns like every couple months and I can attribute it to something happening all the time, but who knows.
6.  Would going off all medications, excersising and cutting out caffeine now that I don't have a desk job in a cubicle doing the same thing everyday probably be my best route?
Please help, any and guys and this site are the best.

Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/28/2007 3:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there
I am at a bit of a loss with some of your questions but I do know that drinking does have an effect on a/p and with the meds taken for it
Yu do sound like you are a "Poster Person " for anxiety and please I dont mean that rudely just with all you have said here and I dont know what else may be going on in your life but perhaps if you do some real deep inter thinking it may just be something from your past that is causing alot of your a/p to surface as it does
Having these thoughts are NOT normal.. IMHO and I truly do not believe you are that type of person....nor do I think you believe that IMHO
I do suggesst you might try Cognitive behavioural Therapy
There are so many self help books out there as well and for the OCD I have just started a book Porridge a member here recommended to me "Brain Lock" and I am finding it to be quite helpful
I am severe OCD but with doing sequenques and cleaning and germs
Routine is a biggie for me and I am also a worrier but with the CBT I have found that I am getting much better
I was the biggest skeptic there was more ......
Do you see a doctor becuase alot of your questions really should be addressed with him / her as you know we are not professionals
Our kids believe the sun rises and sets with us
Perhaps they may have seen you in a panic state before or drinking and it scared them I dont know
Really I am winging this and throwing things out for you to think about
I do hope I may have been of some help I apologise for not being totally helpful but I am a little under the weather and a little tired
Has anyone mentioned your eye problem or is this something that you feel / notice ........

PPle that do nnot suffer from a/p do not know how or what we feel and need to be educated this IS a real disorder that millions silently suffer from
I am happy you opened up and are not one of those " silent" ones '
Post how you are doing and feel free to email me if you need to talk I will answer within a day .....

The ppl and support here is awesome I am sure that more will answer once the wknd is over as alot are now enjoying the beautiful weather
be well


** I do believe exercercising self help techniques and books as well as cutting out caffeine and and booze may be a good start.......especially CBT for starters

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Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 36
   Posted 4/28/2007 5:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the reply.  Sorry if my questions were so in depth, but I just am really confused at this point.  I'm also sorry, but can you tell me what this means and what you were referring to; "Having these thoughts are NOT normal.. IMHO and I truly do not believe you are that type of person....nor do I think you believe that IMHO."  I do see a phsychiatrist, councilor and doctor.  The eye thing is not noticed by anyone else, except they say I look exhausted and sometimes my pupils are very large.  The reason I asked those specific questions, is I have been hearing that maybe I had like a seritonin syndrome or something and now the medication really does nothing for me.  I know I have anxiety and depression with a little OCD after I drink, but when I'm not on meds and I don't drink, I'm fine besides the normal worrying.  I just wonder if the medicine makes my anxiety and depression worse than it really is?  Thanks!

Post Edited (Blue727) : 4/28/2007 4:47:15 PM (GMT-6)

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/28/2007 7:26 PM (GMT -6)   

Dear Blue 727

Holy Cow.........I am not sure where to start my friend. I am sad for you. sad

It sounds like you have run the gambit of medications however, you admit that you were not always compliant so that may have contributed to why your not sure if the meds work?  Some of those meds take 4-6 weeks or longer to be effective.

Believe me, I truly understand how worried you are about your health and I am here to support you.  I would like you to stay away from the drinking and benzodiazapines............very dangerous combination.  I think the black outs were probably due to the combination of alcohol and drugs. You need to take your meds as prescribed but not mix in any alcohol.

Do you truly believe that you could have committed a crime and not have been apprehended if you were in the shape your describing?

I am not a professional but I truly hope you have a therapist and a psychiatric that are co-ordinating your care.  Also, I think you need to work as a team together, the 3 of you to help you to start getting better. Build a trust relationship with your professionals.

Families can be very observant and sometimes they actually can be right.

I know we would rather not hear that as it is our illness and they "don't understand".  Sometimes they do have good insight as they watch us and notice when our behavior changes.

Depression 25 years, Husband Crohns Disease 30 years
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.”
Rosalyn Carter

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 36
   Posted 4/28/2007 8:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the reply Kitt!  I am answering the main things you asked in blue!!!
I would like you to stay away from the drinking and benzodiazapines............very dangerous combination.  I totally agree, now that it has happened to me.  The thing is, when this first happened, I was not on any medication.  I'm not sure if it was a blackened nightmare or an over abundance of stress that caused me to think that way.  My dad stated "you have always been a worse case scenario person so that is probably why you jumped to that conclusion."  My ex took me to see a doctor after that episode and he put me on Zoloft and told her to make me sleep as much as possible.  After about a week of worrying about it, I realized I was being foolish and that couldn't have happened, but I had just worried myself to that point.  I think the black outs were probably due to the combination of alcohol and drugs. You need to take your meds as prescribed but not mix in any alcohol. This happens almost everytime I drink alcohol now whether on meds or not....I don't know if it affects my body differently or something, but it didn't start happening until about three or four years ago.  Now everytime I drink, even if I'm not that intoxicated, I wake up and think "did I say something bad about someone."  This worrying after drinking litteraly is almost debilitating and causes me to go to the doctor and get put on medication.  After I get the worrying out of my system, I am fine and don't worry about it again.  The only time I can remember that this happened when I wasn't on alcohol, was when I was researcing why I felt the way I did.  My ex and I would not be getting along and she would call me "Jekyl and Hide."  I found schizophrenia and pretty much convinced myself I had it.  So then everytime we would fight she would call me "schizo."  Every doctor I have seen has ruled this out, as well as Bi-polar disorder.

Do you truly believe that you could have committed a crime and not have been apprehended if you were in the shape your describing?  I am and would never be that type of person, plus I live in such a small town, I would have known within 10 minutes, however, after a night of drinking, even if around people who are watching me or whatever, I still wake up and find anything to worry about.  Whether it's who I said something bad about or who I didn't talk to.  I understand this is not normal, but I'm not sure what normal is considered when drinking alcohol.  On the "hangover" day I sit and evaluate the entire night and try to pinpoint every amount of time and detail.

I am not a professional but I truly hope you have a therapist and a psychiatric that are co-ordinating your care.  I have seen a physchiatrist, but he however told me last week he did not need to see me anymore, as the medicines I have been prescribed can be given to me by a family doctor and he's not sure what I'm looking for.  He has stated over and over "that there is nothing wrong with you but anxiety, depression and a little OCD when it comes to a day after drinking."  I see a counselor once a week and he understands, but doesn't understand what I'm saying about my eyes.  My counselor believes this all started when I was 14 and have to have my throat dialated (stretched), as I have Acid Reflux disease and have a small opening in my throat.

Families can be very observant and sometimes they actually can be right.  My family is very helpful, however they sway from believing I shouldn't be on any meds to I should stick it out and try with meds.  Both parents both agree that they obviously aren't working.  They believe that I was never like this before I started on medications and feel that maybe I was given too many in such a short time.  I was never taken off of a med for a month and then tried on another one, it was almost one right after the other.  They think maybe I had an overload or something to that extent.

Here's a little history on myself over the last 5 years (not looking for a cop out or sympathy or anything like that, just thought it might shed some light);  I moved to this town with a girl I was in a relationship with and started a desk job in a cubicle doing the same thing everyday, had a baby, relationship was not very good, my grandmother died, had another baby in the same relationship, my daughter was born via emergency c-section and was hospitalized shortly after that with RSV for about a week.  Had a kid I graduate with die in a plane accident, my fiancee left me 6 months after we bought a house and during this time we were together she pretty much wanted nothing to do with me and would show it by not helping me do chores around the house and things like that.  She moved out and got engaged two months after.  During this time, I filed bankruptcy after selling the house, she then got married.  My parent's got divorced last year after 27 years of marriage, three kids including a handicapped daughter.  Finally, I quit my job last Tuesday...five years of absolute hell at this place.  I would get written up if my kids were sick and I didn't give 72 hours notice.  I understand most people don't do cart wheels to work everyday, but this place was the most stressful, least fulfilling, most monotonouse job you have ever seen.  Constantly wanting more out of you.  My ex stated "you have hated this job forever, yet you keep making yourself go everyday and they treat you like crap in return."  I went to a treatment facility for 7 days where I was prescribed 20 mg of Lexapro, 2 mg of Clonazepen each day and 10 mg of Ambien at night.  I quit taking the Clonazepan as I have a relative highly addicted, but have continued the rest.  Everyone tells me I need to put my mind to use on something else, but they don't understand that I wake up this last couple weeks with my body already going a million miles a minute.  I take a nap and wake up worse.

The physchiatrist had put me on 100 mg of Clomepramine and I had to be rushed to the E.R.  I also had an episode with Xanax where we went out of town for two days and I forgot to get my prescription family and friends thought I had a seizure or something.  I was holding my daughter and all the sudden started twitching and my eyes felt like they were going crazy.  I didn't think anyone noticed and all of a sudden my cousin said "oh my god, give me (my daughter), are you okay."  I went to the E.R. and they attributed it to missing two days of Xanax.  I have never been the same after that.

Sorry for the long post.  Am I a lost cause or does any one have any suggestions?  I know nobody on here is a professional, but the advice would be great to take to a professional.  Thanks Again!!!


Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 4/28/2007 8:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Interesting case. I'm sorry you feeling this way.

If I were you, I think I'd be tempted to start completely over when it comes to treatment of anxiety. You've already made a fresh start by severing your job; this may be an ideal time for you to change psychiatrists and get a fresh, new perspective on everything. open your mind, so to speak.

Stop drinking completely and immediately, if possible. Limit or eliminate caffeine. Definitely drink at the very least a couple bottles of water every day. Try to stop the chewing tobacco (although I'm a smoker and being hypocritical here).

You seem like a good writer. Use writing for therapy. Also use it to write a medical history of yourself. Be very careful when you write, keeping an accurate record of the time line (reading your post, I was left confused about when some of these things were happening). Give this autobiographical medical history to your new psych BEFORE your appointment. She needs to read it before you see each other if it all possible. Then, when you meet with her, you and she both will be better prepared to formulate some new course of treatment.

Hopefully you don't take offense to this, but I get the impression that at times you and/or your doctors haven't given the meds enough time to work, and that your treatment has been somewhat haphazard.

Most of the questions you asked in your first post can only be answered by doctors, though. I have my theories, but will not answer them because there's a better than half chance I'd be wrong.

Good luck and be sure to stick around. There are some great people here.
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder

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