Gotta Problem -- Need Your Support

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/12/2007 10:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Okay, now I'd like to request some of that family atmosphere that's been talked about around here so much lately.

I promised my mother I'd spend the whole weekend with her for Mother's Day. I was to leave yesterday when the rush hour let up and arrive at her place around 10pm. Then I was going to stay until Sunday night. But as I've said on here before, I've had an absolutely terrible week at work. This anxiety stuff is trying to relapse (it's not...I'm dealing with it but it's trying), which is not surprising after I worked 48 very, very stressful hours this week. Now I may have made a lot of progress, but I'm still pretty new to the whole "anxiety recovery" thing. It wasn't all that long ago that I was a total basket case.

So, yesterday I was just exhausted after work. It's doubtful I could've made the drive without falling asleep, even. I call her to tell her I was going to leave this morning. She was upset. "I knew this would happen, blah, blah, blah". Now, she wanted to go see my grandmother for an early lunch today, which meant I'd have to leave here around 7am AND get lucky with traffic to pull that off. But I was going to try. However, I fell asleep on my couch in a sitting position last night, and of course I wake up LATE and with a heck of a stiff neck. Overall, just felt totally drained. It was 7:30 and I still needed to shower, shave, come up with some clean clothes, get it all down to the car...this would've delayed my departure time to 8:30 at the very earliest and put me at her place around noon at best. As much as I love my mother and as sweet and generous as she can be, she likes things her way. And when they don't go her way visits are usually anything but pleasant. Oh, and I forgot to say, the pharmacist gave me a three-day supply of genuine Roche Klonopin to try out, starting yesterday. Well, it is a bit stronger and, not being used to it, I guess its no surprise I fell asleep the way I did adn woke up in a mild haze.

With the panic disorder and everything, I have only seen my mom once since Christmas. That was somewhat recently...Easter. So she's already mad whether she'll say so or not. I could've showed up on time last night and it may have all went wrong. But after waking late this morning I kind of panicked. "What's the use in going home if all it's going to result in is a bunch of unpleasantness, at best???", I thought. So I made a mistake.

I called her at 7:45 and told her I was having car trouble. I just couldn't deal with it. Her house is being remodeled and she always gives me a bunch of chores and stuff to do when I visit her. Same with my grandmother. I don't mind doing them, but I'M TIRED. So I worked this hellish week only to sleep on an uncomfortable sofa all weekend before coming back late Sunday and starting what promises to be only a slightly less hellish workweek on Monday. And then, next weekend, I'd have to go back to visit her again for a bunch of family birthdays (one of them my own).

Honestly, now that I've been awake a while, I know I COULD have dealt with this. Not everything in life is easy, and I feel guilty about taking the easy way out. I do. But it's all out of the bag. I've told her I'm having car trouble (and I don't think she believes me) and can't show up now. At the time I woke up I didn't think I could deal with it so I found an out. It's a shame I couldn't just tell her I didn't feel up to it, but she doesn't understand that. I felt at the time that I had to lie. I just had to get out of it.

What kind of son doesn't visit his mom on Mother's Day? Eh. I don't feel good about this at all. Very guilty.

Then again, when I called her yesterday afternoon to let her know I'd be leaving as soon as the rush hour was over, she was already in a bad mood. Not that I'm weak, but was I right to "protect myself" from what promised to be a bad weekend, Mother's Day or not? She and I have a complicated relationship. I have this anxiety thing and a few years ago I went through a pretty bad case of depression. She always suffers from depression. Therefore, we sometimes argue like cats and dogs. She's widowed and I'm her only kid, so when I am there it's like I'm subject to all her baggage. There are certain cryptic things she says that I can turn around on her and put her in a good mood. A lot of the time we have really good visits. But there are certain things she says that I won't tolerate. I'm a grown man, you know? Nobody talks to me like that. Don't put me on a guilt trip for something that happened five or six years ago, for example.

I don't know. I love the woman. She has her moods but has been very good to me. She raised me right, and under adverse circumstances. I'm eternally grateful for her. But she wants a "momma's boy" and that's just not me. I can't be that. I've been very independent since I was a really little kid...it's just not in my DNA to this "super son" that she wants. See, she listens to her friends talk about how great their sons are and all the wonderful things they do for them. I know for a fact that half her friends' kids are in and out of jail and whatever else, but see, she ignores all that. She hears the positive stories...the ones that she's likely to hear...and assumes that's what these other families are like all the time. BS. Everybody's got problems.

Enough ranting. What do I do?

I don't want to tell her the car got fixed this afternoon and drive up there tonight only to turn around and leave tomorrow. Then again, I do want to see her for Mother's Day. Then again, I'm seeing her next week anyway. Plus, I'm moving back up to that area in a few months.

I could just sit it out, avoiding the nastiness. In this case I'd send flowers to her work on Monday, and perhaps order her a gift from Amazon that would arrive well before I got there next weekend. That, I think, would demonstrate that I am sorry about it and I am thinking about her. And that's true.

Or I could pretend that the car was fixed this afternoon and show up tonight, not knowing what kind of mood I'll walk in on.

Or I could rent a car and leave within the next couple hours, meeting her at my grandmother's house (traffic permitting). That seems so dishonest, though. Rent a car that I don't need just to cover a lie? That's very George Costanza.

Help.
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder
anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/

Post Edited (debaser) : 5/12/2007 9:13:00 AM (GMT-6)


ChristianWithHope
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 119
   Posted 5/12/2007 11:57 AM (GMT -6)   
debaser,
Oh boy. This family stuff is tough. I'm sure you're going to get lots of opinions. My mother was a depressive, manipulator all of her life. She was REAL pain to be around a lot of the time. But with just the right dynamics, she could be a lot of fun. I dealt with her primarily by either feigning affection or avoiding her altogether. My mother never sought help for herself - and would "freak out" if you implied that she needed help. We'd all back off at that point because she couldn't or was unwilling to face things that might point to her weaknesses. She died of alzheimers about 5 years ago.
But it's always right to do what's right. It's never too late to do what's right.
You should honor your mother.
That doesn't mean that she can enslave you and use you to attain happiness. She needs to respect you as an independent man, regardless of whether she likes it or not - you need to cut the cord. There are some difficult, honest conversations you probably need to have with her - maybe in the form of a letter to begin with. She may be very hurt, respond angrily or throw a guilt trip on you - which in turn will cause you pain. But you need to stand firm. Respect her, honor her, pursue her and help her but do not allow her to manipulate you. Not an easy process.
Your mother should empathize with you relative to your anxiety disorder. If you're exhausted and need rest you should stay at home. If you're primarily depressed and anxious you need to get out and do the things you know are good for you (even if they're painful) - then go home and rest. There's a time for confrontation and enduring tough family get togethers. But the most important thing right now is your continued progress with your emotional health. If you mother doesn't understand that or desire that deeply for you, then I wouldn't visit her right now.
It sounds to me like you've make some GREAT strides! We're cheering you on!
Remember that joy is not the absence of pain. : )

debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/12/2007 1:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey,

Thanks for the kind words. My mom's not THAT bad. Not at all. She's just lonely. In terms of manipulativeness and all that, she's actually gotten a bit better over the years. When my step dad died (we both miss that guy a lot -- what a character) she eventually became a little more independent, emotionally speaking. There's no doubt she's depressed and lonely, so I do feel bad about not seeing her on Mother's Day. But I'm going to make up for it.

I'm not exhausted now. Just when I woke up I hadn't slept well and was in a bit of a Klonopin haze for a half hour or so. I could go see her. I talked to her a few minutes ago, actually. She's not in her "mood", so I wish I could go, but I can't tell her that my car wasn't broken or she'll definitely get in one of her moods! haha.

The conversations you mentioned? We've had those. Everyone regresses from time to time, and she has her own problems she's dealing with. One time I went for a visit and HBO was re-running The Sopranos, and it was an episode in which Tony's mother was in top form. My mom started crying "god I'm so horrible" and on and on. But she's not nearly that bad. Sure there are some similarities, but she really is a good mom.

What I've elected to do is skip out on the whole weekend and send flowers to her work on Monday. She's really girly and will love that. Then I'll tell her to expect me Friday night, but in reality I'll leave early and surprise her at her office. She'll eat it up. I'll be in my work attire (I have to wear a necktie and slacks even on Fridays) so she can "show me off" to everyone around. That's what mothers do, I think.
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder
anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/


normalsnofun
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 2500
   Posted 5/12/2007 2:43 PM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like you have your plan...Mothers can be rough to deal with but you do have to remember at this point YOU have a life to live and no one can do that for you even your mother
--Michelle
Moderator Anxiety/Panic Forum

Help Support the forums: www.healingwell.com/donate

"The best way out is always through. ~Robert Frost~

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
~Confucius~


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/12/2007 5:13 PM (GMT -6)   
haha. Yeah, I had a plan. Check out my blog if you want to read about Karma in action (I'm not writing it all out twice).


I have a life to live and I live it. As I said, I've only seen her once since 2007. It would've been best to go visit her this weekend. As I said, though, I'll make it up to her.
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder
anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/


MES>>S
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 5/13/2007 8:29 PM (GMT -6)   
You had a great plan!!! It made perfect wonderful sense to me. I am glad to see that I am not the only one who uses these little white lies to not have to deal with something I would rather not do. As a mother I can say I would have understood about having car trouble, but do not ever confess your little white lie!!! You can hope that the people we love and who love us will understand our foibles, but that is not always the case. I think your plan is a great plan, flowers are always a great plan, and showing up early at her work is an especially brilliant touch!! I hope you are able to get your car troubles fixed before next weekend, so that you can spend a lovely and relaxed weekend with your family. And a happy pre birthday to you!!
Mary-Ellen

debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/13/2007 11:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks. I think she may actually be happier this way in the end.
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder
anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/15/2007 5:16 PM (GMT -6)   
I dont think lying would be best D
I am sorry I didnt see this post as you know I have been out of it sick ..have another IV in and sores all over the place ...I apolgise for not getting to Blog under Tornado watch as i type have lost power umpty ump times..I will GET THERE

Mind you
I just lost my Mom and for those that still have them
LOVE them cuz soon they too will be gone .....

Keep us posted on how it goes or went
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Co Mod ..Crohns Forum
Co Mod A/P Forum
Moderator ....Alzheimers Forum 
 
Dx with Crohns ,pyoderma gangrenosum ,Anxiety and panic
 Way to many meds to put down ..........
 
Take that Lil step ..I will hold your hand and we will make big strides
 
                             
 
   LYN                               
                          
                                  


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/16/2007 8:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Howlyncat said...
I dont think lying would be best D
I am sorry I didnt see this post as you know I have been out of it sick ..have another IV in and sores all over the place ...I apolgise for not getting to Blog under Tornado watch as i type have lost power umpty ump times..I will GET THERE

Mind you
I just lost my Mom and for those that still have them
LOVE them cuz soon they too will be gone .....

Keep us posted on how it goes or went


Well, I don't like to lie at ALL but my mom can get a little...well, let's just say I'm protecting not only myself but her, too. Don't worry about not visiting the blog. Do so when you have time, but if you don't feel like it that's okay.

I'm sorry you lost your mom. I nearly lost mine a couple of years ago and of course I love her very, very much.
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder
anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Monday, September 26, 2016 7:16 AM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,693,910 posts in 297,420 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 152112 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, bdssiydstaubbs.
297 Guest(s), 5 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Boiga, bdssiydstaubbs, NiceCupOfTea, SharonZ, Michael R S


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer