Okay, now I'd like to request some of that family atmosphere that's been talked about
around here so much lately.
I promised my mother I'd spend the whole weekend with her for Mother's Day. I was to leave yesterday when the rush hour let up and arrive at her place around 10pm. Then I was going to stay until Sunday night. But as I've said on here before, I've had an absolutely terrible week at work. This anxiety stuff is trying to relapse (it's not...I'm dealing with it but it's trying), which is not surprising after I worked 48 very, very stressful hours this week. Now I may have made a lot of progress, but I'm still pretty new to the whole "anxiety recovery" thing. It wasn't all that long ago that I was a total basket case.
So, yesterday I was just exhausted after work. It's doubtful I could've made the drive without falling asleep, even. I call her to tell her I was going to leave this morning. She was upset. "I knew this would happen, blah, blah, blah". Now, she wanted to go see my grandmother for an early lunch today, which meant I'd have to leave here around 7am AND get lucky with traffic to pull that off. But I was going to try. However, I fell asleep on my couch in a sitting position last night, and of course I wake up LATE and with a heck of a stiff neck. Overall, just felt totally drained. It was 7:30 and I still needed to shower, shave, come up with some clean clothes, get it all down to the car...this would've delayed my departure time to 8:30 at the very earliest and put me at her place around noon at best. As much as I love my mother and as sweet and generous as she can be, she likes things her way. And when they don't go her way visits are usually anything but pleasant. Oh, and I forgot to say, the pharmacist gave me a three-day supply of genuine Roche Klonopin to try out, starting yesterday. Well, it is a bit stronger and, not being used to it, I guess its no surprise I fell asleep the way I did adn woke up in a mild haze.
With the panic disorder and everything, I have only seen my mom once since Christmas. That was somewhat recently...Easter. So she's already mad whether she'll say so or not. I could've showed up on time last night and it may have all went wrong. But after waking late this morning I kind of panicked. "What's the use in going home if all it's going to result in is a bunch of unpleasantness, at best???", I thought. So I made a mistake.
I called her at 7:45 and told her I was having car trouble. I just couldn't deal with it. Her house is being remodeled and she always gives me a bunch of chores and stuff to do when I visit her. Same with my grandmother. I don't mind doing them, but I'M TIRED. So I worked this hellish week only to sleep on an uncomfortable sofa all weekend before coming back late Sunday and starting what promises to be only a slightly less hellish workweek on Monday. And then, next weekend, I'd have to go back to visit her again for a bunch of family birthdays (one of them my own).
Honestly, now that I've been awake a while, I know I COULD have dealt with this. Not everything in life is easy, and I feel guilty about
taking the easy way out. I do. But it's all out of the bag. I've told her I'm having car trouble (and I don't think she believes me) and can't show up now. At the time I woke up I didn't think I could deal with it so I found an out. It's a shame I couldn't just tell her I didn't feel up to it, but she doesn't understand that. I felt at the time that I had to lie. I just had to get out of it.
What kind of son doesn't visit his mom on Mother's Day? Eh. I don't feel good about
this at all. Very guilty.
Then again, when I called her yesterday afternoon to let her know I'd be leaving as soon as the rush hour was over, she was already in a bad mood. Not that I'm weak, but was I right to "protect myself" from what promised to be a bad weekend, Mother's Day or not? She and I have a complicated relationship. I have this anxiety thing and a few years ago I went through a pretty bad case of depression. She always suffers from depression. Therefore, we sometimes argue like cats and dogs. She's widowed and I'm her only kid, so when I am there it's like I'm subject to all her baggage. There are certain cryptic things she says that I can turn around on her and put her in a good mood. A lot of the time we have really good visits. But there are certain things she says that I won't tolerate. I'm a grown man, you know? Nobody talks to me like that. Don't put me on a guilt trip for something that happened five or six years ago, for example.
I don't know. I love the woman. She has her moods but has been very good to me. She raised me right, and under adverse circumstances. I'm eternally grateful for her. But she wants a "momma's boy" and that's just not me. I can't be that. I've been very independent since I was a really little kid...it's just not in my DNA to this "super son" that she wants. See, she listens to her friends talk about
how great their sons are and all the wonderful things they do for them. I know for a fact that half her friends' kids are in and out of jail and whatever else, but see, she ignores all that. She hears the positive stories...the ones that she's likely to hear...and assumes that's what these other families are like all the time. BS. Everybody's got problems.
Enough ranting. What do I do?
I don't want to tell her the car got fixed this afternoon and drive up there tonight only to turn around and leave tomorrow. Then again, I do want to see her for Mother's Day. Then again, I'm seeing her next week anyway. Plus, I'm moving back up to that area in a few months.
I could just sit it out, avoiding the nastiness. In this case I'd send flowers to her work on Monday, and perhaps order her a gift from Amazon that would arrive well before I got there next weekend. That, I think, would demonstrate that I am sorry about
it and I am thinking about
her. And that's true.
Or I could pretend that the car was fixed this afternoon and show up tonight, not knowing what kind of mood I'll walk in on.
Or I could rent a car and leave within the next couple hours, meeting her at my grandmother's house (traffic permitting). That seems so dishonest, though. Rent a car that I don't need just to cover a lie? That's very George Costanza.
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorderanxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/
Post Edited (debaser) : 5/12/2007 9:13:00 AM (GMT-6)