Since my son was born 21 years ago, with severe disabilities, i have had much anxiety and panic attacks and constantly feel as if a black cloud hangs over me.
For many years, i have been told by friends and family that i am the life and soul of the party and what a wonderful person i am. Inside i feel like i am going mad. I have weeks where i feel ok then wham, it hits me like a hammer and i feel afraid, i hate myself and i find it difficult to get out of bed and go to work.
I have recently been told i have an inflammatory bowel disease, and this has made matters worse. It doesnt seem to matter what doctors tell me, or my family, i just can't stop feeling negative about myself.
My son doesn't live with me now, because i physically am unable to lift him and i visit him once a week at a day centre that he loves attending. He goes home to his dad at night. My daughter, who i had a wonderful relationship with, now very rarely contacts me because she feels i should be looking after my son.
I am in a very stressful sales job and find i cannot bear the thought of going to work. I keep telling myself that everything would be ok if ihad enough money to pay off the mortgage so i could be with my son more often and didnt have to go to work.
My partner of 3 years is an amazing man, and my saving grace. He never gets upset with me, always supports and loves me and ensures that i come first. So why do i always feel anxious when i am around people other than my family, or when i am at work? Why do i always feel as if i am a useless person? I have worked most of my adult life and now i feel too anxious and panicky to live normally.
I have had anti depressants in the past and was off work for 6 months. I am off work at the moment because my new drugs for the bowel disease are causing headaches, and dizziness so the doc signed me off for a week.
I dont feel i can go back next week. Am i abnormal? I think about this problem all the time, every day.