Want to trust myself again

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scw1217
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 5/19/2007 2:11 PM (GMT -6)   
I posted here once a couple months ago and you were all very nice. I want to pose a question and see what answers you give me. First of all, let me just state that I have been having more panic attacks than usual this year and I am tired of them. And perhaps a bit angry. They have gotten me to the point where I feel I cannot trust myself. The question is, How do I begin to trust myself again? How do I get myself back to the point that I can plan to go places and not feel I will have an attack once I get there. It is no longer good enough for me to "push through" and "go anyhow". I don't want to think of panic attacks at all. I just flat don't want to have one. I am sick and tired of being afraid to go places, of embarrassing my family in public (though they are very supportive and don't complain), and of preventing us from traveling. I LOVE to travel. I have big plans to go so many places. But I want to go attack free. I want to go knowing I will not have one. How unrealistic am I being? And how good or bad is it for me to be so angry at myself? Each time I have an attack, despite my determination to not have one, it cripples my confidence yet further. I have a list of places in my head that I never want to go to again because I have had so many attacks there. How do I regain the trust in myself that I feel I have lost?

Interested in your thoughts, and thanks in advance.

Aussieangel
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 510
   Posted 5/20/2007 2:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Being attack free is something we all want. Don't be angry with yourself, if you have anxiety you're already being beaten up by the rotten illness.

I know it's hard but I do just keep pushing myself, this weekend has been particulary hard with pms, stress of selling the house and I just realised that I only stopped the prozac 2 weeks ago so am probably still suffering a bit of withdrawal ( I suffer bad when I have to stop meds).

Taking those baby steps is a big one, it might not seem that way but baby steps eventually will get you to the place you want to go.

I'd love to go to Fiji, since falling ill the thought is enough to send my anxiety off, but I went and grabbed booklets, research the places on the internet etc. I try to remain hopefull cause a life lived in 100% anxiety isn't a life lived. Some days I feel stronger and I'll ring and get a quote, it migt not be in the next month but I'm determined to go back there soon.

scw1217
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 5/20/2007 8:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Katelyn and Aussieangle, for your thoughts. I appreciate the candor.

Katelyn, I understand what you mean about writing. I do that too. It's like I cannot express how I truly feel to anyone, so I write them down for myself. But I guess when I made that post yesterday, I had hit a boiling point. The point where I decide "enough is enough" with this thing ruling my life. "Getting better" is just not good enough anymore.

I also understand how you feel about holidays. A few years ago, I began to hate holidays. I hate disruption to my routine, and it seems holidays are the worst for doing that. I want each day to be exactly the same, with only occasional minor changes. Okay, so that is unrealistic, and I have been working on that. Fortunately, I don't have problems leaving the house, running errands, going to the store or the library, etc. I work part-time and go to work twice a week. Those things don't bother me. What gets to me are, again, those major disruptions in my routine. For instance, my husband wants to take me somewhere for the day, or us go fishing at dawn, or I have a major dinner to attend. It doesn't seem to matter if its something I really, really want to do, or something I have to do and dread. It's, "if you give me days in advance to think about it, then that's days in advance to get properly worked up."

I'm curious, what do YOU do to talk yourself down in advance of that kind of thing? What helps you the most?

harry4
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 1449
   Posted 5/20/2007 3:40 PM (GMT -6)   

to scw

many of us carry a few valium type tablets with us and disolve 1 under the tongue when a panic attack starts or seems likely, this helps a lot

self help books on recovery from agoraphobia or panic disorder have useful advice, librarys usually have some

yes loss of self confidence is a big problem for panic attack sufferers


recovered former longtime anxiety and panic attack sufferer and helper of other sufferers  but no training or  qualifications in medicine or psychology, any remarks that may be taken as advice must be confirmed with doctor or other health professional
emails are welcome but do mention healingwell to avoid risk of deletion as spam


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/20/2007 11:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Yep. I've been where you're at...where it's no longer enough to "press on" and do everything you can to ignore the panic. When I realized I was at that point I went for meds.

For quite a while after that I was panic attack free, literally. I didn't have one for weeks and weeks and weeks. I was almost to the point of forgetting about the panic all together, and then suddenly a lot of crazy things happened in my life that brought it back into the fold. I'm still doing well. The attacks aren't as bad and I have more perspective on how to handle them.

I'm just going to come out and say this...once panic gets to a certain point meds are necessary to blunt them. Only then can you get to work on yourself and rebuild your life they way you want it. The pills simply cannot solve everything. Nothing can. You have this and it's probably not going away. However, you can get a LOT better and lead a very normal life.

As for me, I'm still pretty close to the beginning of the recovery thing, but I've made some really nice improvements. There have been setbacks, sure, and yeah I still fear that one day I'll be as bad as I was, but I realize that those thoughts are irrational and it's unlikely that things will fall apart again. I've seen the light, so to speak. I've been full circle and I know a lot more about what's going on, so when things get nutty I know what to do now.

Good luck to you.
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder
anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/


ChristianWithHope
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 119
   Posted 5/21/2007 10:28 PM (GMT -6)   
scw,
Debaser's post is a picture of someone recovering - which is where we all want to be. Read his post again - go to a pychiatrist and get some medication that will help you think more clearly - so that you can make good life decisions - like whether or not to stay on medication.

"I'm just going to come out and say this...once panic gets to a certain point meds are necessary to blunt them. Only then can you get to work on yourself and rebuild your life they way you want it. The pills simply cannot solve everything. Nothing can. You have this and it's probably not going away. However, you can get a LOT better and lead a very normal life."

...and a LOT better doesn't mean a life with ZERO anxiety. It's means being able to walk through it.

debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/21/2007 10:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Yep, that's exactly what I was trying to say. I still have anxiety. Well, there are days where I have none at all; those are neither rare nor common. Anxiety is still the norm, but usually it can be handled by taking up therapeutic activities and stuff like that. Sometimes nothing will get rid of it, but compared to panic it's not all that bad. Panic, when it gets bad and really digs in...it's just too stubborn. Your mind gets pretty twisted up and things just get out of hand too easily.

If someone was diagnosed really early with A/P, I'd bet that they could probably recover with just short-term benzo therapy and then an SSRI type med or maybe Buspar to maintain. But most of us aren't that lucky. We go to family doctors and then specialists and before you know it, you've been having attacks for months.

I'd like for more doctors to consider anxiety/panic earlier on and go ahead with low-dose treatment while concurrently ruling out more conventional medical problems. If the patient responds to the A/P therapy, they likely have their answer early on. But in my case I went for years before a doctor even considered A/P as a diagnosis. I wish I had those years back, too, but I digress. The present and future is all that really matter.
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder
anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/


scw1217
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 5/22/2007 7:21 AM (GMT -6)   
I appreciate all your comments and I have read and considered what you've said. Here's part of my problem, well, it's not really a problem for me but more of a conscious decision. I will not take meds - ever. You can question this all you'd like, but my mind is made up. I watched a relative be addicted to meds and watched their struggle to get off of them, and I refuse to go that route. However, I feel I must say that I do not judge any of you for taking them. We each have to make our own decisions and I respect your right to do as helps you best. So don't ever expect me to preach at you about not taking meds. My decision is my own and does not affect any of you or my opinion of you.

Also, I come from a strong Christian background, and the center of any decisions I make will always involve the things I have been taught from the church. My beliefs are the core of who I really am. That said, I believe I CAN overcome this. We were never taught to settle for 2nd best, and struggling to me is 2nd best. No, I am not where I want to be, nor do I have all the answers I need to get where I want to be. That is where places like this group come into play in my life. There are times when I need to talk to others about what is like to fight this, others who know where I am coming from. I do appreciate everything that is offered up to me. All of it laid together forms a pattern, to help give me a more in depth look at myself, at what I want, and and where I stand.

Health and happiness to all of you!

debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/22/2007 5:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, your decision not to take advantage of medication limits your options dramatically. I guess you know that.

I had panic disorder for a couple years before being diagnosed. When I was diagnosed I didn't get meds, and tried to get out of it by myself. I came close a couple of times, but it always came back. Always. Finally it got so bad I went to medication. I have no idea what took me so long because I haven't felt this well in years.

But it's your decision. You're the one who's going to have to live with it.

Good luck. Everyone's different...maybe you'll be able to pull it off. I guess my advice is to change your mind and take meds, even if only for a short time to give yourself a little perspective on what it's like to feel normal. That way at least you'll know what to work towards. Failing that, there's CBT, relaxation techniques, etc.
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder
anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/


ChristianWithHope
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 119
   Posted 5/22/2007 9:10 PM (GMT -6)   
scw - my email address is available if you'd like to have a dialogue from the perspective of Christianity, suffering and medication. This forum isn't the place for it, but I'd love to have a one on one with you if you're ever interested.

Please know that we speak as people who have plumbed the depths of terror, dispair and isolation. Some like HowLynCat have experienced and continue to experience physical pain and suffering on top of the emotional pain. So if we speak passionately, it's because we feel obliged to offer what we can to help others avoid the traps we blindly walked into. Things we wish someone had been there to offer us.

It's definitely a journey...and it's good to have you aboard. : )

scw1217
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 5/24/2007 7:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Katelynn.

What caused me to lose my trust is an easy question to answer and one of the only questions I can fully answer. It was having too many unplanned panic attacks in public places. Typically, I go out feeling great and have one when I get there. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have been looking forward to something, had it all planned, gone to the location, started to have a great time, and then for no reason, with absolutely nothing negative on my mind, fallen apart. After a while, I started to get paranoid. Every big event that might take me further away from home for longer periods of time becomes a situation in which I might, you never know, possibly fall apart. My attacks are almost always in public and always over bigger events, birthday parties, fishing trips with friends, entertainment parks, etc. I have a fear of embarrassing myself, and esp. my family.

S.

debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/24/2007 8:03 AM (GMT -6)   
What you're going through is not unusual at all. And, for the record, I'd never "speak of meds as the only solution".

They're not the only solution. They're not even half the solution. They will blunt the panic attacks, though, and the rest would be up to you. There's not much risk in taking them, but if you're not willing to take some risks it's going to be very difficult to make progress. Not impossible, but much more difficult.

I'm not saying all this to hear myself talk. And I don't take pride in convincing people to do things they don't want to do, either. I just think they'd help you get things stabilized enough that you could work on the root of your problem, which from my perspective is impossible to do while in a panic state.

D
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder
anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/24/2007 12:25 PM (GMT -6)   
I have to step in here and say that D has come so far and NOT just with meds
'You would have to taken his journey with him
He finally is able to give hope and honesty in his support to ppl here
He is an asset to this forum ....IMHO

PLease email me I am also one with very high Christian values but as was said this is not the format to talk about it

I wish you all the best and as you know in the worst times
He is carrying you
God BLess
LYN.......
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Co Mod ..Crohns Forum
Co Mod A/P Forum
Moderator ....Alzheimers Forum 
 
Dx with Crohns ,pyoderma gangrenosum ,Anxiety and panic
 Way to many meds to put down ..........
 
                   ONE step..Leads to MORE 
                       
 God Bless
   LYN                               
                          
                                  


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/24/2007 4:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks. I think I could've said what I wanted to say a little better, though. I certainly don't want to sound bossy. When I hear of someone suffering like scw is, I just want to help. Having been in a panic state for up to a month at a time, I just know that it's really hard to get a hold of things at that point. Perhaps medications aren't the only answer, but after resisting them for so long they turned out to be just what I needed. I hate to see people deny themselves something that could benefit them immeasurably.

Imagine, scw, if you just had three days without panic. You had a mind that was sharp, yet calm. You'd have perspective you could build on. Right now you're in a very distressed state and it's hard to pull things together long enough to get a handle on life. There may indeed be another way to get your mind calmed down for a few days and I hope you find it. If and when you do, don't rest. It'll be tempting, but get to work immediately on your frame of mind. It'll pay off later.

Best,
D
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder
anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/24/2007 5:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, she needs to have an honest discussion with a DOCTOR about dependency before going on any med. And it's worth mentioning that not all anxiolytic meds are habit-forming. I discussed my medication plan with my physician before hand, and the result of that discussion was a dosage that will help me but will not be that difficult to taper off of. She doesn't HAVE to be on a benzo, but if she were to go on one, some are better than others.

K, you're trying to quit valium under a doctor's supervision, right? You have a tapering plan and it's failed for you? I do know of a website that would probably be of great value to you but I can't post it here. If you go to my blog it's linked under "Assorted Anxiety/Panic Links" (3rd one down).
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder
anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/24/2007 6:50 PM (GMT -6)   

Katelyn,

I believe that each person has the right to choose if they want to use medications in their treatment plan or not.  I do not judge but like you I used the meds as I would have been in hospital had I not.

In November of 2005 I was in full blown anxiety attack every night as I could not sleep.  I had been taking a very mild sedative for years but when I had my melt down we ended up with my using 4 mg of Ativan every night.

I was told in December of 2006 I had to start weaning off and I was willing........but it did not feel good. A friend sent me this website

http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/index.htm

I printed the info and the schedule and took it to my P-doc...........she had wanted me to substitue Klonopin but the info I had said Valium as it is the longst acting benzo.

The schedule goes very slow and if you need you can adjust, so far I have gone from 40 mg of Valium to 12 mg per day. My Doc read the info and did some reseach and agreed that it was reputable and if I wanted to go that route we would.

This is just my story and you may have found better info as others have posted sites to you.

I wish you the best and keep posting.

 

 


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
______________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/24/2007 6:58 PM (GMT -6)   

scw,

Hello, I am Kitt.  I am happy to meet you.  I have read this whole thread and  you have talked with some of the members that have helped you to understand how their anxiety has affected them.

It feels like you know what plan you are going to use to decrease your anxiety and you understand yourself very well.  Insight  into yourself is important and believing in your ability to overcome this disorder is powerful.

I wish you only the best and please keep posting..........we are here for you.

 


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
______________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/24/2007 8:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Great input KITT





Debaser I do apologise hun didnt mean to get you uset with me ..........
Wont happen again
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Co Mod ..Crohns Forum
Co Mod A/P Forum
Moderator ....Alzheimers Forum 
 
Dx with Crohns ,pyoderma gangrenosum ,Anxiety and panic
 Way to many meds to put down ..........
 
                   ONE step..Leads to MORE 
                       
 God Bless
   LYN                               
                          
                                  


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/24/2007 11:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Katelynn, I was speaking to scw when I meant to suggest that she talk to her doctor about the dependency issue (should she change her mind and consider medication). I hope the link is helpful to you. The lady who writes that blog and some of the people who post there are are also having a lot of trouble getting off their meds. Some of them were at such high doses I found it almost unbelievable. I think the secret is to stay at the lowest possible dose. I've already decided I'll never go above 1.5 mg Klonopin a day. If I find that's not enough, I'll taper off and go looking for a different answer. I'm comfortable with the low dose. I've heard countless stories about people tapering off low doses of benzos without much discomfort, so that's where I'm sticking.

Lyn,

I'm not sure what you're talking about. I was never upset with you at all. Don't even know why I would be.
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder
anxietypanicdisorder.blogspot.com/


scw1217
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 5/25/2007 7:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Kitt, for your post. You are right, I have chosen my path and am happy with my decision. With each day that passes I become stronger and more sure of myself. Thanks again.

S.
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