I'm here with my tail between my legs, so to speak...I know I haven't been on the forum as much as I should, so I'll take all lumps you wanna give me as well-deserved.
I'd been doing really good for a couple of months or so and admittedly, when I'm feeling good, it's sort of like I want to avoid the issue of anxiety...maybe I'm afraid I'll bring it back by reading about it a lot or something...I just don't know. Anyhow, I had some near PAs yesterday and it's really thrown me for a loop. I started my period this a.m. (sorry to any guys reading that part!) and wondered if my hormones had anything to do with my anxiety coming back up on me. Today had been a long day. I got thru it but felt rough. Not just the anxiety, but physically too. I feel extremely tired and have had a headache some. I do believe my blood pressure is high. It's been being pretty high when I check it at the supermarket.
I went to the mental health clinic a few days ago and got upset when I found out that the shrink I'd liked had been fired and so I HAD to see the one I absolutely despise. He's cold as ice and has no compassion that I've seen. I called home telling mom how I was gonna have to see him and I was wanting to cry over the phone like a big baby, but thankfully I held myself in check. After I saw him, I asked a nurse to take my BP and it was very high. They said for me to see my GP before I have a stroke. I felt some relief when I was able to make an appt. with a nurse practitioner for my next shrink visit in 3 months, so at least I won't have to see the one I despise so much!
I should be happy as a clam because mom and I did this one office cleaning job for the LAST time on Friday and I'd always hated doing it! Then this next Thursday, we'll be doing another office for the last time (handing it over to a dear friend that needs the work) and this will mean that we'll start having our Tuesday and Thursday nights free after 8 1/2 years! Mom said it seems like everytime we get a break, I go into a tailspin with my anxiety...I can't help but think she's got a point there! What's with me anyhow?!!!?
For the last couple of weeks, I've been cutting back on my food intake as I'd gained too much weight after I started eating too much after my anxiety level had decreased so drastically. It's such a blessed relief to feel alive again with no fear eating up your insides that food suddenly seems so wonderful again...also with my BP so high, I knew I needed to do something. Sigh.
All I wanted to do today was stay home and rest because I felt so rough, but mom, as always, was very needy of me to go with her to Sunday meeting and errands afterward. If I'd stayed home, she'd been disappointed AND worried and I just didn't want to deal with that on top of everything else. Maybe it was good I went though so I didn't have as much time to sit in the house and dwell on things.
My dear kindred spirits, I hope you can give me some sort of encouragement right now. I can sure use it and it's taking all I can do to not bawl all over my keyboard as I type this. I'm sooooooooooooooo scared of going backwards again. Each time I'm just so afraid that I'll have to go thru another long period of anxiety before I get some relief again. I know that's negative thinking. I guess I need to reread Dr. Weeks' book.
Thank you all!
Today is here
And soon will be gone.
Use it wisely
Before it's too late
Remember to love
And forget to hate.