Welcome to HW. This forum is such a great support, we are so glad you are here now.
I could not even believe when I read your post today. I just woke up about 5 minutes ago; and I had a dream that my bf left me for the exact reasons you described. In the dream, there were all of these girls who were having fun doing things, and I was too scared b/c of my bipolar and anxiety.
It was a dream, but in truth, I am fearful that my bf will leave me b/c of my illness someday too. Like you, I try to do things, and I've also done everything I can to get professional help so all those things become easier. But the illness makes that impossible sometimes. If only those who love us could understand that.
I am so sorry to hear that you have a broken heart, and for this reason. It's not fair is it? Eight years is such a long time. I feel for you, in my heart, how much this hurts.
What Kitt said was so true, when we experience loss, we must take the time to grieve. It's scary and hard (and even harder when you have a mental illness like us). But lean on those around you, and on us. Please know that you are strong. Anyone going through this battle is extremely strong even though those around us make us feel weak or that we are not worthy.
Keep posting, and I will keep my eye on you. (((((Hug)))))
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--currently not on meds for bp--