I'm usually on the chronic pain board...

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rehabnurse
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 169
   Posted 8/13/2007 2:53 PM (GMT -7)   
But I do also suffer from depression, anxiety/panic, and after some horrible things happening in my life lately these are on the forefront.

I am currently out of work due to cancer (and have been since christmas). I am only 30 years old, and I am a RN. Unfortunately, I am about to lose my home, and I am being harassed for bills that are outstanding. I have two young children, 5 and 6 that are living with my parents now due to me being unable to support them or care for them. I am physically unable to care for them most of the time, but I do spend as much time as possible with them.

Anyway, I have found a new counselor who I really like. I am not a big truster of counselors, but I have been lucky in finding a very nice woman who really has helped me. She has referred me to the doctor in the office to get medical help with prescriptions. I have recently just restarted on Lexapro after a long break. And I also have used Ativan PRN as needed.

My question is this: do any of you also suffer from chronic pain, and if so, have you met any docs who are unwilling to prescribe psych meds for you due to also being on pain meds? I am so afraid that this doctor won't agree to give me what helps because of my also being treated for pain. I don't know why I worry so much, it's just my nature. I am a very anxious person who has always been this way, and am the type who keeps everything bottled inside. I have so many personal issues going on right now, and they all contribute to my feeling like I'm in the bottom of a big black hole. My ex doesn't pay child support, and hasn't in 5 years. He's too busy supporting his newest girlfriend's two kids. Ugh. I am always sick, feel rotten, and that makes it even harder to "look up" and not be depressed. I've also had a lot of very vivid nightmares, which when I wake up from them I am in a panic. I have had SO many panic attacks recently, but since I have only limited Ativan left, I have had to go without meds just in case I need it for "something bigger" that happens. That's been rough. I guess right now my biggest fear is that this new doctor won't want to prescribe me ativan for my anxiety. I am dealing with my other issues as best as I can, cause I know meds are not the end-all be-all of anxiety. I just need help sometimes, and only meds help when I am REALLY bad.

Any advice or just support would be so wonderful. Like I said, I am usually on the chronic pain board as I do suffer from chronic pain of my back, and my bones. I am on morphine for that every 8 hours, which brings my pain level down to around a 5 on a good day.

Thanks to anyone who was able to read through this. I know this is long, but I needed to vent and get those worries out. I am so nervous right now thinking about my upcoming appointment, on the 20th.

TammyGrl0528
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 1345
   Posted 8/13/2007 4:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there. I am sorry I am notable to offer you any advice really. I just read your story and felt a bit of saddness for you and your situation. I wanted to say that I hope things start to look up for you soon. I also think it is great that your parents are able to help you out during this hard time for you. I pray for you to have easier days ahead.

I am sorry I couldn't answer your questions!!!

Best Wishes
Dealing with panic and anxiety for 8 years off and on...right now more on than off.  Major health anxiety as well!
 
New found issues with agoraphobia...working on that too.
 
I am NOT weak, I am just down right now.  I am doing what it takes to get my life back!!!
 
Best Wishes to all...Tammy


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/13/2007 4:42 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Rehabnurse,

I read your post with great empathy.  You have been dealt one tough hand and yet here you are looking for help and I will do my best to try to help. Most people in your place would not even be able to come to the boards. Kudos to you.

You may already know I am a nurse too, ER and ICU are my background.

First off regarding the meds, yes I know of lots of people that take AD meds and pain meds. Our wonderful Lyn is one of them.  I was on Vicodin while on AD at the same time and over the 25 years that I have had depression I have been on an AD continously.  I have had surgeries and been given pain meds.  Many patients are given pain meds in ER that take ADs also.

Pain is considered a diagnosis and needs to be treated as does Anxiety and Depression.

With your medical problems would you be a candidate for Disability Social Security?

As for the Ativan you should be able to have that too.  Some people swear by the Klonopin for Anxiety, I use the Valium as it is long lasting and you get a better blood level so it can help both the pain and anxiety.

I am glad you have found a therapist that you trust as that is so important in our working with someone.  If your physician is not agreeable to the meds I would seek out a new physician.

You are a kind and caring person as I have read some of your posts and you are very supportive to others.   So reach out and take our hands............we will pull you up out of the dark hole and into the light.

Everyone is welcome in our forum. Gentle Hugs to you.

 



Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 

Post Edited (stkitt) : 8/13/2007 5:46:19 PM (GMT-6)


at wit's end
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 553
   Posted 8/13/2007 5:05 PM (GMT -7)   
rehabnurse, I just read your post. Your post has saddened me. I'm sorry you are having to go through the things you are going through. It's great that you have caring parents though that are able to help you out when you need them most. I too cannot answer your questions but want you to hang in there and keep your chin up and stay with us. I am sure there are brighter days ahead for you. Take care.

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 8/13/2007 7:41 PM (GMT -7)   
(((rehabnurse))),
I am normally over in crohns, but I saw your post and just had to send you a hug. This is such a rough situation. Thank God for caring parents. Would you be able to move in with them, if you do lose your house? I cannot imagine how tough this is for you. However I want to make sure you have a plan so you don't lose hope.
1. Take care of your health first.
2. Apply for SSDI, expect to be turned down the first time, there are disablity lawyers that work for part of your award (not an ongoing payment) this will take several months.
3. This is time to involve the women's advocate at your DA's office, for the back child support, especially since they will do this for free if you apply and qualify for welfare. Not all DA offices have this, but your local welfare office will.

I am sure I will think of more later, but this will give you something to do in the meantime.
Forum Moderator 
I will find a way, or make one.-Philip Sidney
Make sure your suffering has meaning...


rehabnurse
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 169
   Posted 8/14/2007 3:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone for the warm welcome.

I have been fighting with my parents (mom) for some things she was saying about me to my family. its a very complicated existence to say the least and it does contribute to my depression, and to my anxiety/panic. Unfortunately, this anxiety has affected my 6 year old daughter, and she is struggling with anxiety herself now. But my life is so on the downhill right now I don't know how I'll ever get out. I feel like someone buried me at the bottom of the ocean and poured all the water back on top of me after digging me into a grave. I know that must sound weird, but I can't catch my breath, my heart is beating out of my chest, and I can't calm down. I feel like I'm drowning. I don't have anything left to help me with my anxiety, until I see a new doctor on the 20th. I used my last Ativan last night after having a near meltdown. So now I am out. I wish I had one to take now. I have tried my other coping skills, but they are failing, and they never did work once I get to this level of anxiety. I usually try to do coping skills FIRST instead of just popping a pill. I am not one who thinks that a pill can solve EVERY problem, but it DOES help me at the times I need it. I find it so very funny that I can get 400mg of Morphine scripted to me every month, but not more than 5 Ativan. The morphine is for pain, but I need something for my anxiety too, and that's why I am on a quest for a psych doc who will LISTEN and not just write me off. I KNOW what works and what doesn't, but we all know how docs can be in their refusal to think the public is educated and has their own opinions.

Sigh. I am trembling so hard right now, and I wish I could calm down. I wanted to come on here and say thanks so much to those who replied. I'd love to hang around and get to know some people here better. I don't have much of a life since I got sick, no friends, nothing. Just rot away in my house.

at wit's end
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 553
   Posted 8/14/2007 8:48 PM (GMT -7)   
rehabnurse, I am so sorry for the way you are feeling. I went through an uncontrollable panic and anxiety attack just like that back in February. It was horrible. I was experiencing many of the symptoms you are experiencing. I got over it all finally the first go round and was fine for a good while and then in March it resurfaced and has been around more than not. And I'm panicking over having these weird feeling issues in my abdomen. Stinging sensations, tingling sensations, hopefully just nerve sensations, stitch type feelings in my side, spasms in my back and sides, tightness in my upper abdomen. I have had two abnormal pap smears both showing atypical cells that literally kind of have me freaked out. I cannot ever go to the bathroom without having burning upon doing so yet gyno doctor says I have no bladder infection or urinary tract infection, if not where is the burning and stinging coming from? I have a couple of uterine fibroids, suffer from Ulcerative Colitis also which has flared on me twice this year. I think I am going through the hormonal changes which probably contribute to my anxiety and crying spells and changes in my monthly cycle I've been experiencing for a while now. I do have some inflammation somewhere as to the pap smear results but cannot be told what kind. I'm sitting here worrying I have all kinds of cancer because of all the weird sensations I am feeling but don't have any problems going to the bathroom, no bleeding, no weight loss, actually feel good other than the annoyance of the stitch feeling in my side, and wanting the tightness in my upper abdomen to go away. I've dealt with it before the last time I had these issues. I do believe it is gas, but cannot for the life of me figure out why it comes up every night before bedtime. It was occurring both in the morning upon rising and when going to bed, now it is at night only and driving me crazy. Has kept me awake the past two of three nights more than half the night. Obviously if my gastro doctor thought anything was seriously wrong he would have ordered more tests. I told him everything at my last appointment. And I am sure my stress over it adds to my symptoms also. And I'm sure my posture doesn't help things, I work at a computer all day and sit with my abdomen drawn in tight as I cannot sit up close enough to my computer to sit up straight, it would help if I could. So I need to quit belly aching about something so minor when you are going through so much that are way worse things than these petty annoyances. I need to keep posting also just to try to keep my sanity if possible. I worry excessively and am causing myself more tension and stress. Keep posting, we are here for you and are your new found friends. Take care of yourself. We want you to feel you can come on here and post any time you want and need to. We are here to listen. Sorry I typed so much about my situation but I need to talk this out to someone. I keep stuff bottled up here at home as my husband used to tell me to shut up that he didn't want to hear it when I got really panicky, but last week I sat him down and told him what I was going through and how it had affected me and when it all started and his getting angry and raising his voice didn't help things. I told him unless he went through it he didn't have a clue what it is like and he has shown a different attitude. Is there any kind of support group you could find in your town that you could participate in that is for anxiety sufferers??? Might be worth checking into. Again, take care and stay with us.

Post Edited (at wit's end) : 8/14/2007 9:54:54 PM (GMT-6)


rehabnurse
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 169
   Posted 8/15/2007 1:32 AM (GMT -7)   
at wit's end.....I don't mind your "talking" about your story!! Far from it. And don't think that your problems are not as "important" as mine, etc. Your problems are just as important as mine. It seems like you have quite a few physical illnesses too. I do as well. Lupus, asthma, chronic back pain, IBS, neuropathy, and migraines, to name just a few. I feel like an old lady. Sad, I have not worked all year due to the cancer, but I was just thinking to myself that I have NO IDEA how I'll ever go back to working again. I NEVER feel good. I either have a horrible migraine (and I'm incapacitated for those..), or my back is hurting too bad, or I am nauseated/vomiting, etc. It is ALWAYS something. I have the disability papers from social security, and I am thinking of finishing them and filling them out. I know I am young, but the chances of me even FINDING a job I could do is relatively low, and most places won't want to hire me due to the meds I take. They don't "impair" me, but the majority of people out there (including health care workers) DON'T understand chronic pain. So, that only adds to my anxiety and depression.

My children are my life. If it weren't for them, I know I would not be here right now. I would have given up. But I feel so guilty about losing my entire life savings, about to lose my house, etc. I feel like I don't give them the stable home they need. Their dad sees them usually one day a week, but sometimes goes up to 3 weeks without seeing them. Too busy with his newest girlfriend and HER kids. Sigh. He hasn't paid a dime in child support or help with the health insurance (1000 bucks a pop) plus the kids medications (around 350 a month for theirs). My medications are outrageously expensive, and if I didn't have samples from the office, I would not be on a lot of my meds. And my daughter is already developing anxiety, much like I was as a child. I see that she is modeling a lot of my behavior, and I feel helpless to stop it. I don't want her to go through all the heartache I did as a young child. I never was good at making friends, was bullied and picked on all through my school years. Had pop and food thrown at me on my way home, etc. Just HORRIBLE things. Kids are awful. I would do anything to prevent my daughter from going through what I did. I want her to learn some coping skills and I am obviously failing miserably at it. I do have her in counseling. I just wish I could provide for my children like I used to. I wasn't rich by any means, but I was able to buy necessities, and sometimes have a little left over for little things. Now I can't do anything for them. I found out a few days ago that my mom has been gossiping about my love life (which I don't have) and rumors are flying about that. I found out she has been lying to me about that, and talking to people about my private business. I am so angry with her, and some stuff my family said about me is just plain cruel. I NEVER expected these people to say such things about me. So much for family being there always. I thank everyone who responded to me here, because I have NO ONE to talk to here. I am all alone here, and that makes it worse. Thanks everyone for responding to me, it means so much to me. More than you'll ever know!!!

at wit's end
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 553
   Posted 8/15/2007 4:43 AM (GMT -7)   
rehabnurse, I'm sorry your family is gossiping about you. That is horrible, especially your own mother. Is there not a way you can get some kind of lawyer help somewhere free of charge and take your husband, or should I say ex I am sure back to court over the non-payment of child support. Most times if it is court ordered it can be garnished from his wages. And if he was court ordered to cover you on insurance and the kids, he should be doing that also. I am 47 and don't like how I feel in the mornings when I get up, I feel very tense, my back is spasming when I get up and I feel very stressed and have way more of a gas and belching problem upon rising this morning. I am not happy with my gyno doctors as you would think there would be something they could give me for the pelvic stinging and burning upon urinating. I feel old this morning. You never stated what type of cancer you had but I'm so sorry for you. And bless your doctors for the sample meds they are giving you. There is a doctor office I go to that gives samples of different meds. I'm sorry your daughter is suffering from anxiety also at such a young age. Take care and stay here on the board with us. You can always talk on here, we're glad to listen.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/15/2007 6:55 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning

I am sorry that your family is not as supportive of you as they could be. I know this must make life very difficult but please try to stay strong and fill out thos Disability forms.

Thinking of you and supporting you.

Gentle Hugs


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/15/2007 7:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome

I have a lot of Chronic Pain and I am also dealing with some issues as you are BUT I take many opiates ( retired RN myself) and I would still have Antidepressants RX to me
I take ativan and or Diazapam PRN.......

I am truly sorry for all that u are going thru
My heart goes out to you
I know what most of the conditions you have can do to us and what is does to our daily lives

I see you are a fighter and that is great

STAY with us and we will fight with you all the way ......support and help you thru anything we can okay .......

God Bless u and I am truly sorry you have a family so like mine ...that is why I have recently just got up and moved an hour away from all of them ........start fresh and new even with all I have wrong in my life I will get there so will you ......we are here for you

Luvs
LYN


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Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 8/16/2007 4:51:01 AM (GMT-6)


rehabnurse
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 169
   Posted 8/15/2007 10:11 PM (GMT -7)   
*****WARNING POSSIBLE TRIGGERS IN HERE....PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!!!**********

Thanks everyone, for your unwavering support. You must understand, I don't make friends easily due to my social anxiety. I am really a giver, but most people think that's "smothering" and so I usually end up losing friends anyway because I am not a "party girl".

I am on AD now (Lexapro started 4 weeks ago) but I have run out of Ativan. I don't use it all the time, though I first started using it my last week of nursing school in 1996 due to panic attacks. I have used it on and off since then, but I swear, since I have been on pain management with opiates (around 3 years now), it's harder to get Ativan than Schedule II narcotics!!! I could get any sched II I wanted to try, but getting a Sched 4 Ativan is like pulling teeth. I have to beg for it. I don't abuse it, never have, never will...I just want to have it on hand if NEEDED. I can only get 10 at a time, and those usually last me a few months. Lately though, I have needed more, but I had to ration it because I was worried (there goes that anxiety again...) that I would use it all and then not have any when I had another panic attack. So, my anxiety is hyped up, and I swear, I am thinking about it all the time now that it's probably looking like I am a (I HATE THIS WORD) "drug seeker". Grrrr. All I want is to have something to help me IF I NEED IT. Oh well. I see a new psych on the 20th, and I am PRAYING he will let me have something better for this anxiety/panic and depression. It's such a horrible thing to go through. I have been anxious my whole life, and I am so tired of having to BEG for medical treatment.

I am seeing a psychologist (who works in the same office as the new psychiatrist) who has NO IDEA what chronic pain treatment is. She found out I am on morphine, and she was ready to refer me to another addictionologist. I said WOAH WAIT A MINUTE!!!! I am NOT AN ADDICT. I am a chronic pain patient. I am very reliable with my docs, let them count my meds if they want, am always ready to submit a drug screen, etc. I do every thing in my contract to the letter. I know if I screw up then I will be in HORRIBLE pain, so I am not willing to ruin that. I take 100mg of Morphine every 8 hours, with 60mg for b/t PRN. This counselor just looked at me like, "that much morphine could kill a horse!!!" and "I can't believe you can walk, and drive, and...and..." she had NO CONCEPT of chronic pain and its treatment. So I hope she doesn't go telling the psychiatrist I am some addict. There are WAY too many mis-informed "health care professionals" out there who are doing more harm than good. Anyway, I pray that this doc will be willing to work with me and not just nod his head and hand out scripts. I want help. I am genuinely trying to change. I need to be a better mother for my children. My children are suffering because of my health and my anxiety/depression. That's just not fair to them, so I am desperately trying. I just don't think that I should have to suffer because of a mental health professionals ignorance.

I was sexually abused as a small girl and raped as a young woman. I have also been through 8 years of emotional, physical, financial, and verbal abuse by my ex-husband. I grew up in a neglectful, unloving household. I have been anxious as long as I can remember. I always had headaches, stomachaches in grade school, and was continually bullied, harassed, and laughed at throughout middle and high school. I never made friends easily. I don't have any friends now. None. I don't go out anyway. I don't like to go out at all. If I didn't have my children, I would not be here today. I am NOT actively thinking of harming myself, just very sad and very upset and wanting help. I am just praying so hard and wishing upon my lucky stars that I get help next Monday. I NEED something for my anxiety, and I am willing to TRY something. I just hate that doctors sometimes like to hold those prescription privileges over the heads of people who KNOW what medications work for them. Very similar to pain patients who KNOW what meds work for them. Why is it so "wrong" to request those meds? If they work, isn't that what matters?? Some docs just like to play God I guess. Can you tell I've had BAD experiences with psychiatrists before?! I have been worrying so much about this upcoming visit that my ulcer has started bleeding again. Nice, huh? That anticipatory anxiety in overdrive!!!

BTW, for those who are wondering, I had uterine/endometrial cancer. I underwent a hysterectomy in December, the day after Christmas. Haven't been to work since. I am debating whether or not to apply for disability or to try to find some suitable desk job (although sitting AND standing are terrible for my back). I just know that I can't work on the floor again (which I LOVED) and most people won't hire me due to my pain situation. I have a hard enough time finding work with my back, so I don't know necessarily if I would be able to get disability. Anyone here who was a nurse who got disability relatively young? I am only 30!!!! I have a TON of medical issues too, more than most 80 year old women that's for sure. I know it's not all about what you have, but how it affects you, but I know SSI is terrible for denying people disability who really NEED it. I don't know if I am "bad" enough to get it, and I don't know how I'll survive the 3 plus years of denials, etc. I am already done with my savings and my 401k. Everything is gone. I don't know where my next scripts are coming from, or where my next bills are coming from. Like I said, I do have my parents nearby, but the situation is not a good one for my health (mental or physical) and I would rather not stay with them unless absolutely necessary. It is stressful enough for them to have my children there with them 24/7. I have not been able to find a lawyer who will help me file a motion for child support money. Just their prescriptions and school clothes and doctor visits the last TWO months have been around 900 bucks. He's too busy taking his girlfriend on vacations (and of course, not taking his kids either one of his weekends he's supposed to this month) and buying jewelry for her to pay attention to his own children. Yet another reason my daughter is so upset. She said to me today, "Mommy, why doesn't daddy love me anymore? Why does he love X and Y (her little girls) more than me?? Are they prettier than I am? Am I ugly??" This IS A 6 YEAR OLD GIRL TALKING HERE!!!! WHY DOES A 6 YEAR OLD HAVE TO THINK SHE IS UGLY!?!

Sigh. I had therapy tonight, and the session wasn't so great. She spent most of the time comparing my situation to things she's gone through in her life, and lecturing me that I am depressed because I "take too many pain pills". Sigh. Why oh why can't someone understand chronic pain management? Funny how she didn't realize I was "on something" until she flipped through my med list halfway through the first visit. I really do like her personality though, I just think she was having an off day. She has been great (other than the meds issue) every other visit, and I have a VERY hard time opening up to a counselor. I find it very easy to talk to this one.

Anyway, I will shut up now. I didn't realize I would go off into this long, complicated tangent about my life. I just feel like I am a wreck. My daughter is also having EXTREME anxiety about death. Does anyone know of a good book that explains death/heaven, etc to a young girl? She can read at the 5th-6th grade level even though she's only 6. She's very smart, but she has been so sad and anxious since my grandma died earlier this year. That's a whole other topic, though, but I would appreciate anyone's suggestions if they know of any good books on the subject.

I would once again like to THANK everyone who responded to me. I am so glad I decided to share here. I feel like I found a great group of people here. You all have been SO NICE to me in my time of need, and I can't tell you how wonderful that makes me feel. It is very hard for me to reach out, so I do appreciate all of you who cared enough to reply to me. Thank you so much.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/16/2007 4:15 AM (GMT -7)   
YOU vent AWAY ANYTIME
That therapist Had no business saying she would like to refer you to an addictionoligist

I take 120 mg of morphine and 60...( have also a RX for Oxycontin if needed but do not mix /use the 80 mgs of them for severe severe pain when broken out down to the bone in sores   them together) for bt plus I have percocets if needed .......I weigh just about 105 lbs and I know I am dependant on the meds to help me function at a certain level to get done what I have to do daily BUT ADDICTED......not

Here in Ontario ativan is not listed as a Narcotic nor is valium or any benzo's .........

YOU have been to hades and back and she still pulls this .......
I for one am so happy you are seeing someone else and you know the docs know if if there is an addiction problem as well as they know it is needed for pain

'I do NOT ever get a " high" or " buzz" from my pain meds they go directly to pain and I take as supposed to just like you
I am totally honest with my doc and he is honest with me ......I would have fallen thru the cracks of the HC system here if not for him

In the beginning ativan was touted as being the new wonder drug to take the place of Valium non addictive and all that BUT I have seen no difference in 35 plus yrs

I am so sorry for the way your daughters are being treated by their dad........it takes a man to be a Father and he should be looking out for HIS n your kids not doing what he is doing for his G/F and her kids
It will or could cause damage as you know to your daughters down the line ..........

I have ben told only once by an ER doc that my pain meds were making me depressed I shot back at him NO these D*** gaping ulcerlike sores to the bone and crohns is making me this way ........and walked out
My family doc knows I have to have them I actually asked to have the inbetween D/C..ed BUT he said HE WILL NOT LET ME be in PAIN.........

Most dont get it they never will til theywalk in our shoes and live a day of our pain ......and for that I am sorry but also it bothers me that they do not educate selves on this ..........

I am able to drive walk talk cook clean and look after self and daughter quite well on amount of meds I take just as you are .......I do UNDERSTAND I really do and that is so wrong what you are going thru

I am glad you have opened up here I have read many of your posts on CP forum and I am really happy you are finding this forum helpful and supportive as well and it does help you in the long run to get it out ya know
There are so many loving and caring ppl here and we will be here to help you in anyway we possibly can ..........

Breathe deeply
Stay with us
Know you are not alone
Vent away .......yet still try to find a lil something to laugh about hun we all have to do that occasionally .

Take Care and try to have a good day I hope I have helped you a bit .........I know reading some of your posts have caught me off guard it is though I could be writing them myself ya know ......to a point

Be well sweetie and
STAY with us you r family here k

Luvs and all the best

LYN

** Chronic Pain and Chronic  Illness in my opinion is the least understood in the medical profession...a/p and Depession included as well as many many others**

Let one of those docs or therapists LIVE one day in our shoes .......... yeah .


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 DX with Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety /Panic
 
  
 Be Thankful for the Difficult times..During those times we GROW
 
             EMPATHY is Always Better than APATHY
 
 Walk With Us We Will Take your Hand .......
 
  
                                  

Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 8/16/2007 5:25:15 AM (GMT-6)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/16/2007 6:12 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning,

Thank you for trusting us and sharing your story. There is something comforting about baring your soul to the members of A & P and still being able to be anonymous.

I too have a chronic pain situation and was on Vicodin from a workmens comp injury. I got so I was liking the Vicodin and it screwed up my AD meds and I was in bad shape with my depression.  I decided to go off the Vicodin on my own and weaned off back in January.  However if I needed pain med I would use med again but perhaps a different one.  For now I get by on NSAIDs.

Onto benzos...........hey I am the Queen of the Benzos and have been on one for 24 years.  In the fall of 2005 I was put on Ativan 4mg.............at bedtime.  I finally slept at night.  In January of 2006 my PDoc decided the benzos were not good for me, I needed to wean off...............After 24 years it took them to come to this conclusion.  Why me lord?????  I switched to Valium for the weaning and went from Valium 40 mg to currently 6mg. I insisted on a slow wean and I may just ask for my old benzo back as I do not intend to not have any.  I am the patient here.

So I understand your struggle and the bias of certain health care providers to make decisions that alter your life but not theirs. There are still a lot of good physicians like Lyn's who understand where your coming from and what your going through.

Try to stay calm and assertive when dealing with the physicians, as you know some physicians feel nurses are playing little doctors so they shut you down fast.

I hope you go ahead and file your disability papers. I know it takes a very long time to process them and you need some hope in your life for relief in one area, financial help would be a good start.

Perhaps you need a new therapist.

I am so sorry about the abuse you have lived through, you have more than a little on your plate, you have been to a full buffet and I have to tell you that your determination to overcome your problems is awesome.

We are open 24/7 and I hope you get the help and support here that you need.  Keep posting. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))


 


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/17/2007 4:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Very good input sis and I do hope that you RN will stay with us
You are being heard and understood here believe me

I also have been on benzos for 35 yrs I am 53 and I was started on Valium .............10 mgs once a day then upped to 3 times a day if needed from my new and WONDERFUL empathtic Doc......he finally DX my Pyoderma and my CD along with GI of course and the PG is corralated to CD rare but still

I also take Ativan up to 6 mgs per day if needed when broke out in the PG

AS I said in above post my doc WONT let me be in PAIN and the benzo's keep my stress and anxiety down so I dont flare with CD and the Pyoderma as well.........
I dont tak as many as I am RX to take but I am always with plenty of meds ......Looks like a Pharmacy in house.......

I TOTALLY agree with Kitt be assertive yet calm when talking to doc about something for A/P
As well as she said too many think they are " Gods" and many ppl treat them that way IMHO........and they do think that we want to play Doctor BUT where would the doc's be w/o Nurses.........Lost lol ........

I wish you nothing but the best will keep you in my heart and thoughts as well as Prayers that you make out good and get something for your A/P Monday

Please do keep us posted and know we are here for you

LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Moderator for Anxiety /Panic
Moderator for Alzheimer's
Co Moderator for Crohns Disease 
 
 DX with Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety /Panic
 
  
 Be Thankful for the Difficult times..During those times we GROW
 
             EMPATHY is Always Better than APATHY
 
 Walk With Us We Will Take your Hand .......
 
  
                                  


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 8/17/2007 5:58 AM (GMT -7)   
about the book for death: What's Heaven by Maria Shriver (it is at most libraries) but there are several other good ones as well (check with the librarian)

as for your cancer please put the disablity paperwork in...please also look at welfare. It is the reason why that program was created and they will help you get your back child support. Legally he has to provide care for his first family, before his second family.

about the psychologist you might want to ask for someone who specializes in chronic diseases, sexual aasult/abuse and domestic violence. Your therapy mightl be much more effective if you have someone who gets these areas.

Perhaps it is time to start taking your children to a therapist as well given your daughters questions. This is pretty natural after a divorce and a death.

Obviously your exhusband suffers from having a small heart where he can only love a little bit and is incapable of expanding his heart...talk about an emotional handicap. It almost makes you feel sorry for him.
Forum Moderator 
I will find a way, or make one.-Philip Sidney
Make sure your suffering has meaning...


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/17/2007 6:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Hun
Great input as always and spot on.........

Luvs
LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Moderator for Anxiety /Panic
Moderator for Alzheimer's
Co Moderator for Crohns Disease 
 
 DX with Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety /Panic
 
  
 Be Thankful for the Difficult times..During those times we GROW
 
             EMPATHY is Always Better than APATHY
 
 Walk With Us We Will Take your Hand .......
 
  
                                  


rehabnurse
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 169
   Posted 8/18/2007 6:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Awww, thanks you guys for helping me through this. It really means so very much to me. I never did have many friends. I am like a social handicap and an outcast. Never did find where I "fit in" in this world. Always feel like I am on the outside looking in. I have been suffering with social phobia/social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder too for a while now.
When it rain it pours, huh?

I know my ex is a jerk. Ugh. He never sees his kids, he was taking them 2 days a week, but that has dwindled down to ONE day per week. He usually saw them on weekends, cause a while ago that 's when I worked. Baylor shift. So I had them all during the week, cause i still had a young one at home and my daughter was in kindergarten. Now this year both kids will be in school. Son in kindergarten, Daughter in First grade. This will be the first time in nearly 8 years that I will be by myself in the mornings. Wow. But anyway, now he wants to drive 2 hours to see his g/f so he claims he can't take the kids on his days. What am I to do?? I don't like anyone in his family, his dad is a drug abuser and he's manic right now (bipolar) and he lives with his dad. I don't want my kids over there, I fear for their safety. I don't trust this new g/f with my kids, I just don't trust anyone with my kids. So I tell him fine, I'll watch them, cause really I would rather have them with me if he is off doing something with his g/f. My daughter told me a few days ago, that when they all went camping together, that daddy and "girlfriend" (name deleted) were "making really funny, loud noises" in the bed. They were having sex in the same tent as the kids!!!! What the heck!!! I was SOOOO ANGRY that he did that.
And on top of this, my mother continually hopes that we will get back together "for the kids sake". We have been separated so long that my kids don't remember us ever being together. My mom keeps showing my daughter our wedding photos and telling her that we are still married (legally we are, but a piece of paper doesn't make a marriage!!!) so my daughter is even MORE confused. She asked me "why does daddy have a girlfriend if you are his wife"? I told her simply that we are separated and not really married. She is only 6, so I don't want to get too involved. I am so upset with my mother for instigating these "talks" with my daughter. Why would you want to purposely confuse a little girl?? She is so sensitive and anxious as it is, so why do they have to make it worse??
Poor thing was just crying her heart out to me today, scared to death about something my mom said to her. I don't feel like repeating it her, but it really upset her. So I feel even worse about this, because my parents are basically the ones supporting my kids right now since my money has run out. 8 months of no work, being denied food stamps and welfare, I have gone through my savings and 401k. I am broke. I am in the middle of losing my house. I already got rid of my car early in the year due to my lease being up. My parents took my kids to their house to live right after I had my hysterectomy cause I needed to rest. So my kids have been living with my mom and dad since January, and I have been basically living here as well. I have a roommate at my house, which is a few minutes away from my parents house, so sometimes when I can't stand being with my parents and my kids are asleep I go to my house. I hope that makes sense. I know it is probably very confusing. I have such a bad migraine today and I am sure I am not describing this correctly, so I apologize.
Sigh. I wish this idiot ex of mine would step up to the plate and pay me some child support. I never did have the money to complete my divorce. I went to a lawyer a few years ago and never had 2 grand to finish paying him off. Now that I am not working, I am hoping to get a free legal aid lawyer to help me. I will see. I just feel like such a loser mom who can't even support her kids, and I feel like I am letting my kids down for being unable to support them. I have always been the one who made the money to pay the house, buy them what they wanted, get their clothes, etc. Then about 2 years ago I got real sick, moved closer to my parents but still was okay, even with no child support. I live within my means, and even paying 800 dolllars a month in medical insurance, I still made enough as a RN to support my kids and live fairly well. Now I am broke. Broke, broke, broke. Used up all my savings and 401k. Gone. By the lawyers estimate, I have missed out in nearly 30 grand in child support payments, and he also should have been paying me for the insurance. He uses it!! But I am the one footing the bill (or I was, but now my parents do). I feel like such a loser. I just feel like at every turn, I have been a horrible mom. I want nothing more than for my kids to be happy, but with me being sick and broke, and with their dad too busy screwing around and supporting his "new" family, I feel like my kids are getting the short end of the stick and it makes me angry.
Anyway, I am hoping this local legal aid clinic can help me out with finishing this divorce. There's not even anything to divide anymore. I sold the house, I have my own house now and he has nothing. I've used up all that can be split. So why do these lawyers have to charge so much money to file some papers?!! I went into the wrong profession!!! LOL. It's not like there is a long complicated divorce, it's really cut and dry. I just want him to be forced to help me out, since he hasn't stepped up in the 5 years we've been apart. Sigh. Always claims he "has no money". Well, he has enough to buy his g/f stuff, and take his "new" family on vacation nearly every weekend. He can cough some of that money up and help me out I think. The one thing I worry incessently about is this: I am afraid he will get angry at the child support and then fight me for full custody since he has said he wants the kids "to get used to living with their new sisters" (the new girlfriend has two daughters). I got so upset when he said that. It took me nearly a day to calm down from that panic attack he set off. I am afraid of losing my kids due to the fact I am physically unable to care for them, although I do stay with them 95% of the time at my parents house.
God, all this stuff I just spilled out just proves to me what a loser I am. I feel like I will never step out of this deep black hole. Maybe I do need to let the kids live with them. I sure have exhausted all efforts trying to support them, and now what? I was denied food stamps and welfare. This state sucks for help. I don't have an unlimited supply of money in the backyard money tree you know!!! And no man would ever want to be with me now. I'm damaged goods. Maybe they would be better off with him and his new g/f. I love them so, so much, but I can't work, I can barely get up out of bed and I can't do all the things they like to do cause I am too weak. I better stop cause I can feel myself working into a tizzy here. I wish I had an Ativan. I have used up my 10 pills I was allotted six months ago. 10 pills in 6 months. I am shaking so much right now, I need to go log off and calm myself down. Thanks for listening everybody. I know I really rambled on here, and I am sorry for that.

Carenpolar
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 672
   Posted 8/19/2007 2:19 PM (GMT -7)   
My daughter is in the hospital  and takes  Morphin every 8 hrs. and they just gave her. Cymbalta for depression and Prozac so yes they  can be taken together... the side affects are constipation... 

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/20/2007 7:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Carenpolar
Thanks for the input CP

RN..........I hope things do work out for you
Support is always here

LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Moderator for Anxiety /Panic
Moderator for Alzheimer's
Co Moderator for Crohns Disease 
 
 DX with Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety /Panic
 
  
 Be Thankful for the Difficult times..During those times we GROW
 
             EMPATHY is Always Better than APATHY
 
 Walk With Us We Will Take your Hand .......
 
  
                                  


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/20/2007 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning RN

I hope today is a good day for you and I am so happy you have been posting your feelings as it is important to have your own safe place to vent and to come to for support.

You have endured much pain and as Lyn said her Physician won't allow her to be in pain.  What a great attitude from this Doctor. :)

Also the book suggestion was super.  I have heard that is an excellent book. Please give it a try.
 
Take care and Gentle Hugs
Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


Arundinaria
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 160
   Posted 8/26/2007 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Rehab Nurse

I am a former Social Security Manager. You must delay no longer filing for disability. The process is a best a long one and as others have pointed out you are likely to be denied the first time around. However with your problems and the fact that you have not worked for a year, it seems to me that you canexpect a favorable decision Don't holdd me to that I am not in the loop any more. One thing that you must emphasize in the application is that you are not able to work because of your impairments. Just having impairments does not get you any where. I remember a quadraplegic who was denied, because he was able to work. Disability is the inability to engage in substantial gainful employment because of a phyical or mental impairment that has lasted at least a year or might result in death. I too have had a lot of pain and I sympathsize with you. One thing I think you should reasses is your reluctanceto seek medicattions because you think that the doctor MIGHT NOT GIVE THEM TO YOU. If he does not. seek another doctor.

Arundinaria
When there are no more choices, tha decision is easy!


NewlifeRN
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/27/2007 1:39 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello RehabNurse and all. I am new at this forum thing, so please forgive my mistakes. I have to write you Rehabnurse, I have been where you are! I was an ICU nurse for 20+ yrs until a spinalcord injury left me paraplegic. Hard to jump tall buildings, never eat or potty for a whole shift when one is in a wheelchair! I also have depression, the loss of abiltiy to care for chidren, loss of identity (who am I now that I'm not a nurse?), chronic pain- of which I still have to have morphine every 12 hr (extended release) and take percocet for breakthru. I also take 2 different AD, and have been on 3 at once. I also have required anti-axiety meds, all simutaneously. Then there are the muscle spasms that come with a SCI. These require muscle relaxants. The depression gets compounded as I am/ was the caregiver of all, but never a receiver. Becoming the "cared for" is a very difficult role for most nurses I believe. We, many of us in the medical field, have migrated here from our yrs. of nurturing others. How many nurses do we know that are the adult children of alcoholics?

It IS a difficult road to walk. No pun intended. My eldest daughter attempted suicide while I was still in acute care. She was 17 yrs old at the time. This was her reaction to my injury. She tried it once more after I came home. Thankfully, she lived thru both overdoses. For a long time, we had to keep all my meds locked in the cartrunk with all keys in someone's pocket!

I am on diability. It grieves me that my profession was taken from me; not that I chose to leave it. I really struggled with embarrassment over the "disability" word. I had such a negative image in my mind, from years of working with people who seemed out to beat the system. Get something for nothing. I also had a MAJOR fear of being labled a "drug seeker" b/c of all the meds I require. And require is the correct word. I would rather not have to take all this stuff, but THANK GOD there are chemicals, given appropriately, to make our lives liveable. And also, I am thankful for physicians who do realize there are people with chronic pain that are not about to die. But they cannot truely live, because they are prisoners of the pain.

I have had my experiences with the jerks that have the right initials behind their name. MD, PA, CNP. If you encounter one who does not provide for you physically and mentally, get another. That provider is human, just as we. He/she is not a god. Nor the final authority. As humans, we all walk different paths. Perhaps their life has just not revealed to them the deep anquish some of us have to live in. If their mind is closed, don't waste your energy trying to convert them. Find another caregiver. They are out there! Compassionate, educated medical team players who will not beat you up further, but give you the necessary tools to go forth, and YES, even conquer these great mountains. YOU will laugh again.

Something that helped me tremendously in my recovery was this: I surrounded myself with joy. I refused to read the newspaper or watch the news. No sad movies. Only comidys. I read only happy material, or that which brought me hope. I watched old reruns of "Lucy" , "THe 3 Stooges", etc. Even cartoons! I was an ostrich to anything ugly, sad, degrading, or undermining to my positive flow. This was a little difficult at times, as I was in rehab, then began the process of a malpractice lawsuit, as my SCI was the result of anesthesia given improperly. And I am not an ostrich personality.

I also took the attitude (or I said it all the time. Attitude was a gradual change) that God didn't stop this disaster in my life,nor did He cause it. But for some reason, I was where I was supposed to be. My job was to be the best me I could in this new role. As I said earlier, I even lost my identity, so this was a real challenge!

The councelor you are seeing that is judgemental about your need for Rx. From my past experience, if the therapist is not 110% in sink with you, there are areas that cannot benifit. It will be a stumbling block in your progress. It is a very low blow to be concidered a junky when you can't even get out of bed without the benefit of RX. As I said above, we all walk differnet trails, and too often opinions with misinformation make our decisons for us. And we suffer.

I'm sorry for the length of this. I pray it is benificial. I know it is rambling- it is 4:30am!- I'm up becuase those muscle spasms won't let me lie in bed tonight.

I did not grow into the peace I have overnight. I've been in my "new life" for 7 years now.

Take one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Sometimes that is all we can handle. And that is OK. Sincerely, NewLife RN

 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/27/2007 5:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome
THANKS so much for all of your input and for sharing your story with us
I too had to leave the Nursing field and it took a toll on me mentally and physically but like you I had to go on...

My daughter didnt try to do any harm to self but does suffer with anxiety at times worrying over my health issues ..........

I do hope you will become an active member on the forum

Please do stay with us

LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Moderator for Anxiety /Panic
Moderator for Alzheimer's
Co Moderator for Crohns Disease 
 
 DX with Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety /Panic
 
  
          Be Thankful for the Difficult times..During those times we GROW
 
                 EMPATHY is Always Better than APATHY
 
                 " Friends Are Cheaper Than Therapists "
 
  
                                  


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/27/2007 5:35 AM (GMT -7)   
RN
Just checking in to see how you are making out
Please do post when you are able and let us know
You are part of this family and we really do care

LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Moderator for Anxiety /Panic
Moderator for Alzheimer's
Co Moderator for Crohns Disease 
 
 DX with Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety /Panic
 
  
          Be Thankful for the Difficult times..During those times we GROW
 
                 EMPATHY is Always Better than APATHY
 
                 " Friends Are Cheaper Than Therapists "
 
  
                                  

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