Just when i thought i was in the clear (my update)...

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Danxiety
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 322
   Posted 9/10/2007 10:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Panic was near. Ugh, what a horrible day. I've been panic free since 8.11.07. Almost made it an entire month!!! Today really caught me off guard. Before, i expected it ( i was having panic every morning), but the last few weeks I've been feeling really good. In fact last week i felt really strong. My medication really had leveled out and dealing with my dying dog wasn't nearly as bad as it had been when in panic state. Last week I actually felt like i could deal with putting him down. That it would be hard, but i felt like i was in a good mind state, and that i would be terribly sad, but deal with it like others that do the same.

Well, today I guess i hit a bump in my recovery. It was weird because it started off as depression, low level. I actually went and saw my therapist and i think that is what started the snowball. I didnt feel good about my session and after when i went into my office to work, only one other person was in there today ( the reason i even go in there is to be around people). So my distractions at the office weren't there today. So i felt isolated and guilty. Guilty cause my dog gets worse and worse by the day, and it felt wrong to be in the office (isolated) and not at home. I was also thrown of by my session. Maybe i was hoping for some compassion (since I really have changed my lifestyle to help better myself, but I felt like i was being interrogated).Either way i know isolation or being with my dog all day is a really bad thing for me right now. So when i went home around 2pm ( thats the time I go home so i can let him out, finish my days work from home, then get out again for a couple more hours, or just an hour) I cried and hugged my dog. All that felt fine and natural. I'm sad cause my dog is really on his last leg and its hard, so yeah, i don't feel bad or guilty about having those feelings. But then as the day went on, my depression or sadness started to take a turn. I realized that i was in a heighten state of alert. Almost as if my pupils were large and all my sensories were going haywire. I realized I know longer cared about my dog or anything really, I began to enter the panic state. I realized that i was going into survival mode, I felt some other symptoms ( like burning in my wrists -- odd one) and the subtle waves of fear. By this time I knew it was on. I began breathing exercises. Deep breath in -- thinking the word WISE.... Exhale out -- thinking the work MIND. I did this for a while. And i actually felt a little better, but the snowball was already building up, so all the little things i would do would help for a few minutes, but then my symptoms would seem to worsen. By 4PM it was time for me to take 1MG of Ativan ( first time in a month) as i was really trying to use skills i've recently learned. The Ativan helped a little bit, but not that much. Luckily, my dog had to go to the bathroom a few times, and getting outside and walking him also helped a bit.

The biggest help, for me though, was calling my pdoc and telling her what was going on. She help put what i already knew into perspective. I felt a lot better after talking to her, but alas, around 10PM I had to take another MG of Ativan. So know, i feel a bit better. I bit zoinked from meds, but a little calmer. Tomorrow shall be interesting. I think if i get a good night sleep, i will be just fine, but if i have to get up and take my dog out a bunch, then i might have a rough day tomorrow. So, i'm trying to stay up for a little bit longer to take him out, then i'll stick him in the other room to sleep.

You know, mondays are tough for me. Not historically, but when it comes to obscure attacks, they tend to happen on mondays. Anyways, it's been a while since i posted, so i thought I would drop in a write some. I hope everyone is hanging in there.

take care_
Dan
---
Anxiety and Panic Disorder.

"Breathe! You Are Alive"
- Thich Nhat Hanh


Aussieangel
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 510
   Posted 9/11/2007 12:09 AM (GMT -7)   
(((((hugs))))) You've done really well to make 3 weeks of panic free, try to focus on that. I'm sorry to hear about your dog too, enjoy him while he's still with you.

Dolores55
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 9/11/2007 5:39 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Dan,

Same happened to me, but problem is not panic it is anxiety.  I don't get it,  Like you for about 1 week I was waking up with no anxiety at all.  Right now I am on Xanax and sometimes it doesn't seem to kick in.  Yesterday, Monday, I decided I need a break from work, should have gone to work, felt worse staying home. 

Could I be suffering from a mild case of depression?  I don't know  some mornings I feel so low..   I am seeing the therapist today and see what she thinks.  I am sorry to hear about your dog,  it is very hard to comes to grips with someone be it a pet or person that you love is dying.   People tell me that this is our life cycle, things are born, live and die.  For me, right now it is still very hard to accept.  These issues with me started when my mother died and I still can't seem to resolve it after two years.  I need to for my sake I can't stand living the rest of my life in gloom and doom.  Well, Dan I hope you will start feeling better soon.  Everything happens for a reason, we just have to figure out why and how to deal with it again.

Have a great day

Dolores55 :-)

 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 9/11/2007 7:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Dan
What is it about Mondays
I had my worst one yet so bad I was well lets just say I had a rough day took 2 valium and tried to calm down .......

I am glad you use the tools first and then you went for the ativan it is a GREAT STEP
Be kinder to self......
Thanks for sharing I guess alot of us had rough days yesterday ........sorry but glad we ( you ) made it thru and hoping today is better for you

LYN
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Junebug05
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 717
   Posted 9/11/2007 7:53 AM (GMT -7)   
It must be Mondays.  I had a rough day yesterday too.  More feeling really down than much anxiety, but bothers me cause I worry that this is the start of another round of being anxious all the time again.  Dan, I am truly sorry about your dog.  I've got a dog that I adore too, and he's getting older and I think about the day that I will have to face his death and I know I will not handle it well.  You are going through some emotional stuff right now, and it isn't a surprise that your anxiety would increase along with it.  You will get through this and get back to those panic free days again, this is a temporary place for you.  Just remember that recovery is an up and down thing, you'll go through weeks or even months feeling great and then it will return, but if you just use your cbt and meds when you need too, it will pass.  Hang in there, you'll be okay.  Again, I'm sorry about your dog. 

Danxiety
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 322
   Posted 9/11/2007 8:25 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks everybody for the kind words, it truely makes me feel good that people here understand me. Last night was pretty rough. I just had a lot of anxiety, again i just felt hyper aware. At 2AM my dog needed to go out, and usually when this happens i'm so groggy from the medication, i feel almost drunk or just really sedated when i take him out. But last night I felt wide awake. After we came back inside, i put him in the other room and tried to sleep, but it was a night filled with anxiety. At 3:45AM i had to take another ativan. I really hate using that stuff, but it seems to help some. I'm trying not to beat myself up and just let it pass and think of it as a bump in the road, but i want to talk to my doctor about what i should be doing in this state. On the one hand i just want to try using the CBT stuff, and breathing exercises. On the other hand i want to take Ativan and try and nip this before it becomes the snowball effect of panic. Its hard to know when I'm actually going through this stuff, what is best. :(

I do know that i need to get some exercise this evening. I go to work soon, and then i'm home at 2:30 to let my dog out and finish up my work day. Then at five I really need to jump on my bike and head out to the ocean. I wanted to yesterday, but the fear was getting the best of me. Today, i'm really going to try. I just need to constantly remind myself that its ok to turn around and go home at anytime. Its ok to have these feels. Logically I know all this, but my sub conscience mind gets the best of me.

Now I'm face with going into the office and trying to make it through the day. I'm hoping i can get caught up in work distractions, cause that's what i need right now, a distraction from my thoughts. I also with I knew why i felt this way. Granted, my dog is a huge stresser, but he is doing ok right now. He's eating again, and thats a really good thing. I dunno, maybe going to therapy set me off yesterday?

And lastly, i'm going to look into some group therapy here in my city. I think the my therapist is not enough for me anymore and that I need a group that i can go to. One that is facilitated and you practice coping techniques. When i leaved the outpatient program i was in they gave me a name, so now i just need to find it (i think i know where it is) and follow up on it.

God its really hard not to feel like a failure. Its really hard not to feel like this will never end. I guess i just need to get used to the fact that this is a part of me and i need to learn coping techniques that will allow me to live a life that isnt controlled by the fear. I hope for future generation, that science advances to the point of making this stuff curable. I love "feeling" emotions, but when it gets to the point of "no return" its just not doing anything but harm. I also think, or would love to work in a field that was less stressfull. Right now I'm lucky because i make a good salary, but the work is constantly stressful. Everyday its something, always a fire drill to get things done. Its really hard on me at times, and if i could find a line of work that was less stressfull and maybe working directly with people, I would be a bit more stable. Who knows though!

Anyways, thanks again for the kind words. Hopefully we all just had a bad day yesterday, and hopefully today will be a bit better. With each new day there is hope and i'm striving to not allow this A/P to take me and my life under its grips. We'll see. I'll post an update later.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and sorry to hear that some of you had rough a monday as well.

Thanks for listening
Dan
---
Anxiety and Panic Disorder.

"Breathe! You Are Alive"
- Thich Nhat Hanh


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/11/2007 8:29 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Dan

We are your support team, and I too am glad you used your tools and that your Pdoc was able to help you put it all into perspective.

Mondays can be bad for sure.  But the rest of the week can get ya too.  So keep on doing what you know to stay in the moment and fend off the attacks.

Gentle Hugs


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
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"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
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Danxiety
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 322
   Posted 9/11/2007 10:28 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks kitt. Its been a rough day so far and its only 10AM. I'm just trying to slow everything down that i possibly can. I'm trying to type slower, breathe slower, and walk slower. It seems to help when i have really bad anxiety to slow down. The one thing that is uncomfortable and something hard to cope with is the feeling of panic peaking around the corner. Like its there, at the present moment, it just hasnt "attacked" me yet. I think what you say is so very important and thats not to look even a moment ahead. Focusing on the literal present is a great coping mechanism, its just hard to do.

I did find a place in my city that offers DBT clinics. I know a lot of people talk about CBT, but i think the two are similar in ways. I actually don't really know what differentiates the two. I'm going to talk to my doctor about it. Its pretty intense commitment, once you are excepted into the program you pretty much have to go for 6 months! That seems like a long time, but its once a week for 2 hours, so thats really only 24 sessions or something close to that. I dunno. I may or may not need it, and i have to see what my insurance will cover. Sounds interesting though and a good continuation from the outpatient program I was in -- thats who recommended it.

This is such a painful process and its hard to stay focused and "strong". I feel like i need more, but I'm not quite sure what that "more" is. I think it will take some time to process, and i hope that things will begin to pick back up. I know everyone goes through bumps in recovery, i just never really experienced this much panic and anxiety. Before I would have an episode or two, and Ativan would just clean me up. That now longer works, so I think that working on some alternatives to medicine is a positive thing. Also being with people that are going through similar things might be helpful for me too.

Anyways, thanks again. On with the day!

best_
Dan
---
Anxiety and Panic Disorder.

"Breathe! You Are Alive"
- Thich Nhat Hanh


ThreeboysMomWTJ
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 9/11/2007 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Dan sorry you are having a setback,as I am going through one myself (I guess) confused Anyway just know u were doing good at one time and will be again!
This too shall pass!! Take care,Dottie :)                                                                  


Danxiety
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 322
   Posted 9/11/2007 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   
yeah, you are so right. Its good to keep that in perspective. Its hard when you're in the middle of it, but to remember that is key. Today has been rough, and i cant tell if its getting worse or better. I sorta in that floating state, where i feel panic creep in tthe go away, but the anxiety is very much present.

Its really hard to deal with normal day to day stuff. Its like its keeping me from having an attack, and now i'm a little fearful of what might happen when i go home. I was hoping for my pdoc to call me back, but i think she is trying to set some boundaries, cause a few weeks back i was calling her multiple times a day -- when i was going through major episodes.

I hope you start to feel better again soon too! I cant believe that about a month ago i was down to 12.5 MG of zoloft and 1MG of klonopin a day. That was for about 6-8 months and i would have some panic, but it would go away quickly with the help of some ativan. Now I'm on 50MG of Zoloft, 30MG remeron, and 2.5 MG of Klonopin. Its a lot, and panic should break through, but it does.

take care_
dan
---
Anxiety and Panic Disorder.

"Breathe! You Are Alive"
- Thich Nhat Hanh

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