IMHO I feel you may have some anticipatory anxiety going on here.
Common Anticipatory Anxiety Reactions include :
Feelings: anxious, fearful, angry, confused, hopeless, losing control, numb, sad, moody, irritable, guilty.
Behaviors: withdrawal from others or activities, disrupted routines, startle reactions, easily crying
Cognitions: preoccupation with possibility of trauma, concentration difficulties, self-doubt, worry, indecisiveness, memory difficulties
I understand about not wanting to go back on the meds. I would suggest then the self help materials or a therapist that can teach you how to deal with the anxiety.
I chose therapy and I still have to practice daily what I learned during therapy. I do take medication too.
Perhaps others will have some good ideas too.