Now something ELSE is controlling me...OFF TOPIC...I apologize

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TammyGrl0528
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 1345
   Posted 11/6/2007 3:12 PM (GMT -7)   
OK, so I dunno if this is appropriate or not, but I need some help with it.
 
I started smoking cigarettes when I was like 15.  Well, like 13, but that was to be "cool" and I didn't start doing it "regularly" until I was 15.  I quit when I was pregnant, but restarted shortly after I gave birth. 
 
I have expressed to everyone that I did infact FINALLY quit 7 months ago.  I did great the whole time.  I had like one slip in the first week, where I smoked 1 cigarette, but then, I was fine, and didn't smoke anymore after that. :-)
 
When I quit, I did it cold turkey.  I was tired of spending 5 bucks a pack, and I smoked a pack a day, and I was tired of smelling like smoke, and feeling bad because of it...getting out of breath easily, coughing a lot...so on and so forth.
 
Well, 2 days ago, I was having issues around the house with my son, and just life in general with these darn pills, and anxiety in general, and I slipped AGAIN.  I smoked a couple cigarettes, but once I did that, I told myself I was being stupid, and I had to stop.
 
Yesterday, I did fine.  I somewhat had a craving in the evening, but I forced myself through it, and was fine. :-)
 
Today is a whole different story...I bought a pack.  Yup, that was so bad of me.  I went to the store this morning, and bought a pack of cigarettes.  I sat in the parking lot of the gas station asking myself what the heck I was doing.  I worked so hard to quit, so why the heck am I giving in, and allowing myself to be so stupid.  After about 5 minutes, I went in, and bought a pack, with my head held low, I got back in my car. nono
 
I lit a cigarette...felt guilty, but it didn't stop me.  Throughout the day, I have smoked a total of 6 cigarettes.  That is so bad of me, and I am so upset with myself, but I can't stop.  It has control of me, and I can't stop it.  mad
 
Each time I light up a cigarette, I get mad at myself.  I get sad that I am giving in.  I think about how yucky I use to feel because of it, yet, I CAN'T STOP! sad
 
I am pretty strong...but lately, I have become such a weak person.  I hate it so much.  Why is this happening to me?  Why am I allowing this to happen?  It isn't happening to me, I am LETTING it happen.  I don't know why I just can't stop!!!  confused  
 
I don't know that I am trying to get answers from you guys...and I know this doens't have to do with anxiety, but I needed to vent in  a place where I feel comfortable, and safe.  This is that place. 
 
My plan...be it stupid, or not...STOP TOMORROW.  I say tomorrow because when I quit for real, I woke up one day and quit...that was easiest for me.  I am not saying I am going to sit around and smoke tonight, but if I smoke anymore, I won't beat myself up.  Tomorrow is a new day, and I have to go back to the non smoking girl that I know I can be...the non smoking girl that I truly am!
 
I apologize for the length of this...and if no one replies, that's OK.  I really just needed a vent, ya know?
 
Thanks guys...for everything!  :-)


 GERD Forum Moderator
    Please share, only if you can spare! 
 Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Attacks.
 Clickable Link that may be of interest to some...as I find I often like to check drug interactions...Drug Interactions
 
~Tammy~


liquid
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 127
   Posted 11/6/2007 3:30 PM (GMT -7)   

Wow $5 a packet, there around $10-$15 in aus, but i roll my own which is $22 for 50gm packet and lasts a week.

I would'nt be too hard on yourself for smoking again, we all have setbacks and do things we dont want to do, and it may be some anxiety as well as the stress of things at the moment that is causing you to want to smoke to take the edge off.

Even though smoking does increase levels of anxiety and stress, i know i do feel better during stressful periods after having a "ciggi".

Perhaps there is something else you can do to relive the stress/anxiety?. That way you dont have to beat yourself up about doing something you dont ereally want to do...

Hope that helps..

(((((((HUGS)))))))... :-)


Suffer from major depression, Agoraphobia, Anxiety, Panic attacks, Recovering Alcoholic.
 
I have 4 great kids and a wonderfully supportive partner.
 
"There is a light at the end of the tunnel"
 
 


TammyGrl0528
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 1345
   Posted 11/6/2007 4:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks liquid...and yes, smoking does raise anxiety, yet it calms people down. Ironic! LOL.

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I will get through this...it will just take time!

Thanks hun!

(((((HUGS)))))
 GERD Forum Moderator
    Please share, only if you can spare! 
 Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Attacks.
 Clickable Link that may be of interest to some...as I find I often like to check drug interactions...Drug Interactions
 
~Tammy~


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 11/6/2007 6:02 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Tammy, I am going through something similar, not cigarettes, but something. ( i dont believe it would be appropriate to say what exactly). But, I know what you mean. I feel the same way. I wonder how I can hate doing something yet I let myself do it anyways. Its like I am 2 people and one is going against the other no matter how hard I try not to.

But, kind of like liquid said, maybe try something to get away from it. For example, my anxiety and stuff gets high, so I paint. My mom asked me, when I showed her my paintings, where I got so many great ideas from. I said, "They aren't ideas....they are feelings."

I don't paint because its fun or whatever, I paint because it is the only way I know how to get my feelings out of my head. I am not a talker. I hate talking, and it is hard for me to talk openly, so I find painting helps express my feelings without words. Although, the people who have seen my paintings just say how awesome they are and how talented I am. But, they totally miss the point. I just paint. I get a feeling and paint it. It works though. And its productive! I take (bad) feelings out of my head, paint them, and everyone enjoys looking at them! Imagine that!

But, what I'm saying is, maybe there is something that can help you like painting helps me. Do something that gets your mind away, that can be productive! Try something new! That helps me, not sure if it would help a smoker, but I have a problem as well, I guess you could say its like an addiction, but it has the same concept so maybe it will work for you too. If not, there are tons of things you can try.

Congrats on quitting though! Thats really great! yeah   Just remember everyone slips up sometimes. But, you are strong and if you can do it once, you can do it twice! I am really glad though that you know it is something you dont want to do and you are trying so hard to quit. yeah

Wishing you only the best....
.......Tennis.......
(Disclaimer: Not sure any of my advice is relevant or if it will work for you! :-) )


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 11/6/2007 6:03 PM (GMT -7)   
I pay 29.00 for a carton of cigts.at the indian smoke shop in Oklahoma...........
SnowyLynne


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/6/2007 7:31 PM (GMT -7)   
I pay only 15 dollars a cartoon of cigs from my rez here ......200 cigs for 15 dollars not bad considering what others pay
Here it is $ 8 $ 9 for a pck of cigs at store .........MOney I refuse to spend on it

Tammy its okay you will do it tomorrow
YOU have come so far hun this slip will be handled as well as all the other things you have accomplished
I know you are strong but sometimes the ole a/p is stronger if only for a bit ya know
To Tomorrow ..........

Let us know how you are doing ........I KNOW you will do just fime ..............
Luvs
LYN.
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
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  CO-Moderator@ Crohns
       Anxiety/Panic
  Moderator@ Alzheimer's
DX @ Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum ,Anxiety /Panic
 
        We Have Anxiety.....Anxiety Does NOT have Us
 
      
 
 
                            


TammyGrl0528
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 1345
   Posted 11/6/2007 8:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you guys so much for the encouragement, and I will let you know what tomorrow brings!!

Tennis, thanks for the thoughts. I am like you, not much of a talker, but I am a HUGE thinker, (which is prolly part of my problem.) and I love writing. I am 26 years old, and I still keep a journal. It is a hand written journal. I use a notebook, and I get a new one every January 1st, and I have done it for as long as I can remember. I have notebooks full of feelings. It is kinda fun to go back and read em once in a while.

Anyway, tomorrow is the day...I quit once, and I can quit twice...you are right.

Thanks so much for the encouragement!

Lyn, that is awesome for what you pay...and, you are a smoker??? That shocks me, for some reason...LOL

Luv you all!

(((((HUGS)))))
 GERD Forum Moderator
    Please share, only if you can spare! 
 Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Attacks.
 Clickable Link that may be of interest to some...as I find I often like to check drug interactions...Drug Interactions
 
~Tammy~


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/6/2007 8:23 PM (GMT -7)   
YEp[ have been for over 40 yrs ,............

Luvs ya and yep thats all we pay .........
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
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  CO-Moderator@ Crohns
       Anxiety/Panic
  Moderator@ Alzheimer's
DX @ Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum ,Anxiety /Panic
 
        We Have Anxiety.....Anxiety Does NOT have Us
 
      
 
 
                            


TammyGrl0528
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 1345
   Posted 11/6/2007 8:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow, learn something new everyday!!!

he he he
 GERD Forum Moderator
    Please share, only if you can spare! 
 Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Attacks.
 Clickable Link that may be of interest to some...as I find I often like to check drug interactions...Drug Interactions
 
~Tammy~


okonner
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 11/7/2007 12:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Okay I will add in what I do. I went out and got all kinds of arts and crafts. From beading to making paper. I take a walk or go someplace where you can't smoke. I sit and when the feeling passes I go back to doing what ever it was I was doing. Being online makes it hard. Coffee and a smoke was a godsend or so I thought. Keep up the good work and if all else fails there is a new drug out called chantax. You smoke when you first start taking it and then you just stop smoking. you do have to see a doctor to get it but it works. Good luck...Okonner

TammyGrl0528
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 1345
   Posted 11/7/2007 6:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello okonner...and welcome to healingwell. Thanks for the thoughts...

I think I am going to be ok though, because I was smoke free for 7 months, and I am only on a little "slip" here. My Dad used Chantix, so I am aware of that, but I do not want more drugs in my system...LOL.

I think all will be well. I do appriciate your thoughts, and I again say, WELCOME TO HEALINGWELL. Glad you found us, and I look forward to hearing your story!!!

Thank you!
 GERD Forum Moderator
    Please share, only if you can spare! 
 Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Attacks.
 Clickable Link that may be of interest to some...as I find I often like to check drug interactions...Drug Interactions
 
~Tammy~


TammyGrl0528
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 1345
   Posted 11/7/2007 8:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, I failed. I smoked. Out of frustration...and then I was frustrated for smoking.

I sat here and told you all this is a minor set back, and now I am on day 2. I am still on the same pack of cigarettes, which is good...cuz the old Tammy smoked a pack a day, and I bought this pack yesterday morning...ugh. I am just having a frustrating day.

Let me go on to vent about that, eh?

I can't stand my sons pediatritian. He has no bed side manner, and the nurses are simply rude as can be. There is no feeling of welcoming. So, I decided it's time to switch, especially because my son is having some stomach issues that I feel need to be addressed.

So, my ex's insurance stinks...I won't say the name of it, but maybe by me saying the insurance stinks, some of you may know what I am talking about. Anyway, there aren't too many pediatrians. So, I called a few off the list today, and I want to MEET the doctor first. The first one I called said NO. That I have to bring my son in for an exam, and if I don't like her, then I can switch. Uh, NOPE. That does't fly with me. Why can't I just go in there...pay for an appointment, and take 10 minutes to talk to this woman? So, I went to the next one...I was on hold for 12 minutes, and then hung up. 12 minutes...that is a long hold time. So, I put my search on hold, and went outside and smoked...STUPID, I know.

Maybe I am over reacting, but I don't want another bad experience, and I don't think she needs to examine my son if I don't even want to have her.

There are a million family doctors to choose from, and only 4, count em 4 pediatric doctors in my area...unless I wanna drive like 40 minutes...UGH.

What age can I take him to a regular doctor? Is 7 too young?

Again, I know all of this is off topic...kinda...it is all stressing me out.

And, John (my bf) has an appointment with the GI doc today. He is 36 years old. He has been having some stomach issues for sometime now, and it is concerning, especially because his Mom died from colon cancer in her early 50's. Ugh, what a day...I just wanna go back to bed.

Thank you all for listening to my vents.

It will all work itself out...I know it will.
 GERD Forum Moderator
    Please share, only if you can spare! 
 Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Attacks.
 Clickable Link that may be of interest to some...as I find I often like to check drug interactions...Drug Interactions
 
~Tammy~


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 11/7/2007 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   

I am just like you said Tammy. Not much of a talker but a HUGE thinker. I do believe that is my part of my problem. Thinking makes me worry and get nervous and stuff, but I feel like I have to do it. I think about everything. All the time. I notice a lot that others dont. And I think I see things from different views because I think so much about them. I even have weird dreams. I dream alot about school and stuff happening that I have thought about before or stuff happens that I never thought would happen. Its strange because it feels real until I wake up then I usually spend the entire day wondering about it. But, I think thinking is a huge problem for me. But, as my counselor pointed out, it could be a sign of intelligence. Maybe she just said that to make me feel better, but after thoroughly thinking about it I realized that it could be true. So, I tell myself that!

Anyways, take care!
.......Tennis.......


TammyGrl0528
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 1345
   Posted 11/7/2007 2:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Tennis...I have said it once and I will say it again...I think we are twins, separated at birth...LOL. It is assuring to know someone is so like me!

I have the same thing with the dreams too.

Just odd!

Thanks for posting!
 GERD Forum Moderator
    Please share, only if you can spare! 
 Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Attacks.
 Clickable Link that may be of interest to some...as I find I often like to check drug interactions...Drug Interactions
 
~Tammy~


liquid
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 127
   Posted 11/7/2007 3:52 PM (GMT -7)   

Wow $15 for a carton of cigs!!!! its around $60-$70 for a carton here in Aus and its only going to become more expensive as we just had yet another 0.25percent interest rise yesterday ( the 7th increase in 2 years.. mad )....

I think i may have to move to the USA... lol

And Tammy you didnt fail, you never fail, you just have setbacks, i know it isnt easy but it will get easier, even though you get more frustrated for smoking, if you look at it as a minor setback maybe you wont feel so frustrated, this may not help but just a suggestion.

i know it helps me when i have little setbacks, and as you know you have everyones support here.. :-)

((((((((HUGS))))))))


Suffer from major depression, Agoraphobia, Anxiety, Panic attacks, Recovering Alcoholic.
 
I have 4 great kids and a wonderfully supportive partner.
 
"There is a light at the end of the tunnel"
 
 


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 11/7/2007 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   
LOL Wow! It's nice to know I am not alone! Thanks for posting!

TammyGrl0528
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 1345
   Posted 11/7/2007 8:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Liquid...you are right, this is a set back, and I think I being too hard on myself. I am going to give it a go again tomorrow...I have NO cigarettes in my posession...

LOL, Tennis, you are never alone...not anymore anyway...LOL...

Thank you to all who have stayed with me through this!
 GERD Forum Moderator
    Please share, only if you can spare! 
 Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Attacks.
 Clickable Link that may be of interest to some...as I find I often like to check drug interactions...Drug Interactions
 
~Tammy~

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