My Personal Experiment

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debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 11/25/2007 7:09 AM (GMT -7)   
As some of you may know, I was a wreck for quite some time and unable to come to terms with A/P until I started taking Klonopin back in March. Since then, I saw rapid improvement in my condition and chronicled it on a blog, which I felt was therapeutic for a long time.

However, after noticing that my recovery had plateaued late this summer, I began to re-evaluate and finally decided to terminate the blog in its current form. I started to consider that writing daily about the physical manifestations of the disorder and my normal day-to-day problems had be come an obstacle rather than a conduit for getting better. Simply put, I think I was unable to make further progress because I was immersing myself in my own symptomatology.

I wonder if anyone else has ever felt the same way? Crawling these message boards, blogging, journaling...is it really the right thing to do? I suppose it depends on where you're at in your own recovery, but I have a feeling that there comes a time when one must think about cutting themselves loose in order to try to live anxiety/panic free. It's hard to do that while mulling it over all the time.

I still see writing and the creative process as a catharsis. How I'm feeling comes out in my art, consciously and/or subconsciously. Most of my photography is on public display at my blog, and maybe my "non-anxiety" writing will be published some day. Whether it is or not, I still created it and that's what is important.

I did open a new blog over at wordpress. All the anxiety stuff from the old blog was moved over there, and I still make new entries but they're not very detailed. I thought there was writing of value in the archives so I couldn't bring myself to delete it, and the new entries are more for observational purposes than anything else. The new writing is brief and shallow...I'm not attached to it all and feel I can abandon it completely at anytime, which is a GOOD thing.

Anyway, I guess since I am still writing on the wordpress blog I cannot say that I've totally quit writing about anxiety, but I have cut back deeply. And since I've done that, I have noticed some definite improvements. Others have noticed a change, as well. I feel much more free. I don't celebrate the good days or analyze the rough moments. Instead I just live life. My social life has picked up and my creative life has become much more ambitious. My career seems to be going better as well.

I'm not suggesting that you guys stop coming here or stop writing journals; please don't misinterpret what I'm saying. I think the blog I wrote and the small community that developed around it was an essential part of my recovery. But at some point there may come a time when doing this sort of thing outlives its usefulness to the individual. We (and I definitely mean "we", as in 'I am included'), as anxiety sufferers, are a self-absorbed group almost by definition. Allowed to wallow in our disorder, we may do so indefinitely, and it's metaphorical quicksand. The more we struggle to get out, the more entrenched we become. Or at least that's what I think.

Now, God forbid, I may have a "breakdown" and come back here and eat a whole bunch of crow. It could be that I'm way off-base with all of this, and that my string of good days is spurious. That's not a thought I'm willing to entertain that much at this point, though, because doing so would obviously defeat the point.

Are there any "old-timers" who still lurk around now and then? If so, please come out and offer some guidance. Did you take a similar path and how did it work out for you? What do you feel finally pushed you over the hump? I've come a long way, but I want to go ALL the way or at least as far as I possibly can go.

Thanks.
BRAINFRIENDENEMY is no longer an A/P blog:
www.brainfriendenemy.com/
BRAINFRIENDENEMY2 is now an A/P blog, though:
www.brainfriendenemy2.wordpress.com


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/25/2007 10:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Debaser
My friend
You make some very valid points here and
Yes I have taken the path of coming here to post about everything but a few things and yes I too sometimes we do have to step back and see where we are heading and where we are wanting to be ( at least I do)
You will find many take time away from places like this or journaling for whatever their reasons and most are for what you have posted.

However at their lowest they found here or someplace and began to see the were not alone and we able to be supported thru this not coddled ...........BUT supported.........
I remember when you first came here and you had some issues that needed support an understanding
Then you began to support and help others so well it was a great change in you and I believe this has been part of your recovery.......

I am so pleased that your life ....all aspects are doing so well and I do really hope that it will continue for you
You do deserve the inner peace and knowledge that you worked really hard at this once you kicked into gear .........
You have been a great friend and supporter of mine and for that I am grateful for this site and the way we were introduced.........

I wish you all the happiness and inner peace that life will give you .............

You will always remain a presence in this forum whether posting or not ......IMHO

Take care my friend and I do wish you all the best to come .........

Luvs
LYN
Thanks for being YOU


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Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 11/25/2007 10:30:38 AM (GMT-7)


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 11/27/2007 5:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I totally agree that there those who come to this site were consciously or subconsciously seeking support, and 99 percent of the time that's what they need and get. That's the early stages for most people.

For me and many others, I would guess, we have put in the work and have improved, yet are reluctant to let go of our support networks. That makes it impossible to "forget". Even though I'll never really forget A/P and I'm sure it will always be with me to one extent or another, I think that I was actually feeding the disorder by giving it so much attention.

The old blog is still a tool. The new blog is, too. The latter is simply a documentary. Quick and over with. I still put quite a bit of effort into the old blog and it helps with my anxiety, but anxiety is never mentioned. Well, I say that, but next week I'm scheduling a shoot regarding panic attacks, haha. Again...reluctant to let go, I guess!

Thanks for the kind words.
BRAINFRIENDENEMY is no longer an A/P blog:
www.brainfriendenemy.com/
BRAINFRIENDENEMY2 is now an A/P blog, though:
www.brainfriendenemy2.wordpress.com

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