Paranoid and irrational thoughts regarding relationship

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mynameis
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 11/25/2007 11:19 AM (GMT -7)   
My boyfriend, who I love dearly and who I have no reason to mistrust whatsoever, has a friend on the social networking site 'MySpace' and for some reason I am convinced she fancies him and wants to take him away from me. It's so silly: he's with me not her, she's only 17 years old and is a schoolgirl, there's nothing about her which makes her any more worthy of him than me and she lives about 300 miles away from us. They seem to have a lot in common and have been friendly in the past, not sure if they are so much now but she sent him a message the other day asking where he's been and for some reason it's unsettled me.
 
I want to know how I can stop fantasing such ridiculous scenarios where he wants to be with her and not me. I can't understand why I'm so insecure about this, it's all fantasy. sad   He works away during the week and I only see him at the weekends, so I'm wondering if perhaps the fact that I don't see him as much as I would like is making me all the more insecure. Whenever he has a week off and makes more time for me I feel loved and secure in our relationship, but when he's away the weekends feel so rushed and short and I worry that I'm not proving myself to be good enough for him in the short time we have when we're together.
 
If he knew I was such an irrational and paranoid person I bet he would run a mile. sad

Howlyncat
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   Posted 11/25/2007 2:14 PM (GMT -7)   
HI hun
'I just now have read your post and I am sorry
I think in all honesty you should talk to him and ask him some questions and if there is nothing to hide I am sure he will answer you ...........he loves you as you say and you him
There has to be trust in any relationship or you have nothing and the only way you will get that is if you stop the " stinking thinking " or ask him directly.....IMHO

I may be wrong but this is what I would do if it were I
..........I know it is not easy to stop these thoughts or feelings but they are eating you up and eventually he will sense something is going on or wrong so I would go directly to the source and ask him if he has feelings or is she a good friend.....prolly best to ask about the friendship aspect first

Many men do have good friends that are of the opposite sex as do women

This is only my thoughts on this and I know others will have different views .........
I think you also need to see that you are harming youself and recovery as well as your relationship if you dont address this as soon as possible
I am sure he wont run away if approached properly and not made to be feeling he is deemed Guilty

I wish you all the best I really do hope you will find the answers and set your mind to rest

keep us posted plz

LYN
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TammyGrl0528
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Date Joined Jun 2007
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   Posted 11/26/2007 6:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I have a couple questions about this, as I do have a myspace account, and know what it's all about.

First of all, you say she is 17...how old is your boyfriend?
Does he hide any aspect of their friendship from you? Do you see all the messages, or is he secrative about it?

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

A lot of people have insecurities in relationships, and often times, it's because of ones own insecurities about themselves...are you secure in yourself?

I think you should tell your boyfriend that this myspace friendship is bothersome to you. Explain to him that you feel she may be liking him a bit too much, and it just makes you uneasy. You have to be able to talk in any relationship for it to work, and you also have to be able to trust.

Aside from this myspace thing...do you trust your boyfriend?

Don't argue with him about it, as that will make things worse. Just sit him donw, and explain to him what you are feeling.

As Lyn said though, many couples have friends outside the relationship that are of the opposite sex.

Could you become friends with this girl as well? Would that make you more comfortable?

I know my thoughts are all over the place...and I am sorry, I just had a lot to say about this.

I hope everything works out for you sweetie!
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mynameis
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Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 11/29/2007 11:17 AM (GMT -7)   
TammyGrl0528 said...
I have a couple questions about this, as I do have a myspace account, and know what it's all about.

First of all, you say she is 17...how old is your boyfriend?
Does he hide any aspect of their friendship from you? Do you see all the messages, or is he secrative about it?

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

A lot of people have insecurities in relationships, and often times, it's because of ones own insecurities about themselves...are you secure in yourself?

I think you should tell your boyfriend that this myspace friendship is bothersome to you. Explain to him that you feel she may be liking him a bit too much, and it just makes you uneasy. You have to be able to talk in any relationship for it to work, and you also have to be able to trust.

Aside from this myspace thing...do you trust your boyfriend?

Don't argue with him about it, as that will make things worse. Just sit him donw, and explain to him what you are feeling.

As Lyn said though, many couples have friends outside the relationship that are of the opposite sex.

Could you become friends with this girl as well? Would that make you more comfortable?

I know my thoughts are all over the place...and I am sorry, I just had a lot to say about this.

I hope everything works out for you sweetie!

 
Thank you both for responding.
 
In response to the above questions: my boyfriend is 24 and I'm 20.
 
He's not secretive about it at all, but here's the thing- he logs on to that site every single day when he's working away and I wonder who the hell could be so important to send messages to that he can find time to speak to them but often not even send me a single text message. I see him for barely a few hours at a time every weekend because he gets so tired and yet he uses that darned website and talks to this teenage girl.
 
We've been together 4 months and no, in all honesty I am definitely not secure in myself, so I'm finding it hard to determine whether I should genuinally worry or whether it's just the anxiety playing up and I'm being too paranoid.
 
Aside from the Myspace thing, we have a lovely relationship (when he actually has the time to see me) and I do trust him. I just don't like this stupid girl sending him comments asking after him as if it's some abnormality if he doesn't talk to her. It probably would help if I were friends with this girl, but from what I've read from her she's a complete idiot and certainly not the sort of person I would ever associate myself with. I don't feel I can talk to him about it because in reality I bet it's just me being over-paranoid, but this girl just makes me so uncomfortable. My boyfriend made comments on one of her photos where she was biting her lip which implied it was something he found sexy, which admittedly was before he met me, but it still bothers me.
 
I'm just so fed up with getting anxious about this. I'm starting to feel that this relationship just isn't worth the bother what with my anxiety about this issue and the fact he's away constantly. How can it ever progress when I only see him for a few hours each week? I want a normal relationship where we have time for each other and get more serious as other couples do, but right now I feel like a convenient part-time girlfriend who's waiting for him at home for him to call upon whenever it suits him. He says he doesn't like working away and it's the only thing he can do to get some money, but in that case why isn't he even bothering to look for something closer to home anymore? :(

Post Edited (mynameis) : 11/29/2007 11:16:27 AM (GMT-7)


TammyGrl0528
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Date Joined Jun 2007
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   Posted 11/29/2007 11:27 AM (GMT -7)   
OK, I am going to offer some opinions here, and they are only opinions...

I think at the age of 24, your boyfriend shouldn't be talking with a 17 year old. That, would bother me, for sure. I have to be honest, I am secure in my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, and he has NEVER given me reason to doubt him. But, if he were chatting with a 17 year old on myspace, I truly think I'd have issues with that. Especially if it seemed as if she was infatuated with him, or whatever...like finding it odd if he didn't talk to her in a couple days.

I am not trying to add to your already doubting thoughts, but truly, I just don't see a reason for a 24 year old man to have relations of any kind with a 17 year old.

Again, this is all just my opinion, and others may not agree with it.

It seems to me that there are some other issues going on as well. Your relationship is in it's early stages, and this is suppose to be the best times you guys have together. If you are having so many doubts, maybe you should end it now before it gets too serious. Again, this is my opinion, and what I'd be thinking if I were in your shoes. I am not saying you have to take my advice, I am just offering it up.

I wish you all the best. Let me know how things go.
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stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/29/2007 12:42 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear mynameis

Hello, this is Kitt.  I have just read your posts as I have been out of town recently.

I agree with Tammy after reading your posts in depth.  I suspect from the flavor of your last post you have already figured things out and feel that something is wrong with  your relationship with this man.

One piece of advice I wanted to share with you if I may?  In your first post your wrote:

"there's nothing about her which makes her any more worthy of him than me"

IMHO, You are a young woman who has not learned to love yourself. You are worthy of love and goodness in a relationship and never feel like you have to be worthy of someone loving you.  Hold your head up high and know that you are a special person.  Wait for the right man.  You will know him when you meet him.  He won't be talking online to 17 year olds instead of you. From  the words of KT Tunstall just tell him "I said no, no, you're not the one for me."

Gentle Hugs to you

Kitt




 
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mynameis
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 11/30/2007 10:18 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you Tammy and Kit for sharing your opinions. It's comforting that you seem to understand why I'm concerned about it. I just don't understand why a 24 year old would want to talk to a 17 year old. He's not exactly immature or anything so I don't see how this girl could have got on to his friendslist in the first place. To be fair he was friendly with her before he even met me, so I don't feel I can really dictate who he talks to just because I have paranoid fears.

Stkitt, ever since we met in August and got together officially I haven't felt good enough for him. He's really good looking and has a wonderful personality and I don't exactly know what he sees in me. I don't want to lose him but I'm just finding all this distance apart and hardly ever seeing him is really making my anxiety worse. I can't work out whether my increased anxiety is something I would have in any relationship or whether it's just something that's particular to this one. I don't know what to do really, apart from put up with it and hope things improve. sad


stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/30/2007 12:52 PM (GMT -7)   

mynameis

I am so sorry you feel insecure as you have so much to offer and never think your not good enough.  Being handsome and having a good personality is what you see but others may see him different. 

I will go out on a limb here and please know this is my personal opinion from raising a teenage girl and having teenage granddaughters. I do not see what a man in his 20's would have in common with someone in highschool ? Perhaps it strokes his ego to talk online to a 17 year old or perhaps he really is not who you think he is.

This is really about you and how you feel about yourself.  You should be on top of the world with a great boyfriend and not feeling anxious and wondering what he sees in you?  Have you considered counseling for you.  CBT therapy is a great way to learn to turn those negative feelings into positive feelings. :)

Please keep talking to us as we are here for you. We do not judge but just try to look at the big picture and our words are just advice but we will support whatever you decide to do.

Gentle Hugs to you

Kitt


 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
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Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/1/2007 1:14 PM (GMT -7)   
I totally aree with Kitt and Tammy on this one after i have re read your post numerous times'
IF he cannot txt you once a day what is he doing talking or whatever to her all the time

IMHO....you do deserve so much better
That is only my opinion...........

LYN

Keep us posted plz


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Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 12/2/2007 12:44:07 PM (GMT-7)


at wit's end
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Date Joined Jun 2007
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   Posted 12/1/2007 4:35 PM (GMT -7)   
He also could get in trouble by contributing to the delinquency of a minor if anything else should come of this like them getting together and meeting. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I would not tolerate it. You deserve and can find better.
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TammyGrl0528
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   Posted 12/2/2007 12:02 PM (GMT -7)   
You totally deserve much better. Many on here have given you great advice. There is simply no reason for him to be talking to a minor, and I feel like there are other issues aside from her. I'd ditch him. You can do better.

Please, keep us posted as to how things are going!
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Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/2/2007 12:49 PM (GMT -7)   
There is SOMEONE out there for you that deserves you and all you have to offer ..........

I do hope you will come to see that you are a great person full of love and caring to give someone that TRULY does deserve it

Plz keep us posted

LYN
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mynameis
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 12/4/2007 11:47 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't know, I can't help but think that a lot of this is just me being paranoid. There's no proof he talks to her on a daily basis; it could be the case but this is just my mind racing because I'm so insecure about practically everything in life. She is one of two 17 year olds on his list, she lives far away but the other one's fairly local. There's nothing to suggest he really talks to either of them regularly...perhaps they were just random girls he acquired on his friendslist when he first signed up for the site? I know that I added people at first when it was all new. I don't like being jealous and insecure about it because I have males on my friendslist who I occasionally talk to, but it is just friendly and I've never had any romantic thoughts towards them. Why do I find it so hard to accept that it is probably the same for him? I don't have loads of friends like he does and I know that working away and staying in a hotel room all week must get dull, hence the Myspace usage. I think I'm perhaps expecting too much from him.

TammyGrl0528
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Date Joined Jun 2007
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   Posted 12/4/2007 2:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Again, I am here to offer what is only my opinion...

First, you said you don't know what he sees in you, that is sad that you feel insecure about yourself that way. You probably have plenty to offer.

Next, it is OK for him to have friends of the opposite sex, some of my best friends are men, and my boyfriend is fine with that, but none of them are minors. That is where I am seeing the problem.

And, times have changed...a lot of teenagers are out for big things...like adult things. I am not saying that is what she is looking for with your boyfriend in particular, and the fact that she lives far away means they may never meet, but still, I feel it is wrong for him to talk with her. It just doesn't seem right.

Again, this is only my opinion. And, I am not saying that your boyfriend is going to do bad things or say bad things online to her or to any other girl, I just know you have to be careful when playing with kids, and right now, that is what she is.

Wishing you the best.
 GERD Forum Moderator
    Please share, only if you can spare! 
 Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Attacks.
 Clickable Link that may be of interest to some...as I find I often like to check drug interactions...Drug Interactions
 
~Tammy~

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