Feel so defeated

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anxietyridden
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 11/29/2007 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   
I just hate it when I go through these phases of not wanting to, or rather not being able to, go out and have fun. I hate it when it's all I can do to make it through the work day, and then the only thing I want to do is curl up with a blanket and a book. Like tonight, I was supposed to go out with some friends to watch the football game, and I said that I would, but at the last minute I called and made and excuse and said I couldn't make it. I just couldn't get myself out the door. I couldn't imagine being in a crowd of people. And I get so mad at myself when this happens. I feel so stupid and I feel like a bad friend. I get afraid that my friends are going to be angry with me for never going out and that I won't have any friends left. I feel so defeated by this whole thing and it starts to make me depressed. It's awful. But I really felt like I couldn't go out tonight. Ugh...don't really know what my point is here. Just venting I guess.

Aussieangel
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 510
   Posted 11/29/2007 7:33 PM (GMT -7)   
I know exactly how you feel, rotten anxiety robs you of a 'normal life'. At least you can still get to work and that's a big step.

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 11/29/2007 7:42 PM (GMT -7)   

I know exactly what you mean. I do the very same thing. I want to go out and do things, but then I always change my mind. I just cant stand going out into the crowds, public I guess. I dont know, but I get really upset with myself. Its a viscious (sp?) cycle. I am always worried about what my friends will think. They probably think, 'why cant she just come'. 'Whats the big deal'. 'She could force herself to come if she really wanted to.'

But, it isnt as easy as that. And it doesnt make you a bad friend. Luckily, a few of my friends know and understand what I am going through so, they encourage me to go, but they never force me to. They always tell me to try, but if I just cant, they understand. I like that! Hopefully, you have good friends who understand what you are going through.

But, I totally understand what you are saying...


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/29/2007 8:52 PM (GMT -7)   

anxietyridden

Sorry but I have to disagree with you, your not stupid or a bad friend.  That is "stinkin thinkin" as Lyn so wisely says.  You are going through a rough time and staying home after a long day at work is taking care of you.

Sounds like a good plan to me to stay home with a good book if you don't feel like being in a crowd.  Please do not beat yourself up, it will be ok so just take tiny steps and get back on track.  We are here to support you.

Take care of you.

Kitt


 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
******www.healingwell.com/donate***
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


anxietyridden
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 11/30/2007 3:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks guys. I know deep down that I am not a bad friend, but sometimes I just get anxious that others will view me that way. I don't tell a whole lot of my friends about the anxiety because, although I think they'd be understanding, I don't want them to feel sorry for me or treat me differently, etc. Of course I have told a select few, just so that if I'm ever out and start having a panic attack SOMEONE will know what's going on. But I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that I do what I can manage and that I need to take care of myself and not worry about what other people think of me. It just gets hard sometimes and I tend to beat myself up and be very hard on myself. I think a lot of people with anxiety probably do. Plus it doesn't help that I have a WHOPPING case of PMS...LOL. I always seem to get much more upset about every little thing during PMS. Yuck.

anxietyridden
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 11/30/2007 3:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh and AussieAngel --

Yes I am glad that I can get to work and I should be grateful for that. It is so hard sometimes though. Just getting up and dealing with the anxiety and thoughts in the morning tires me out. Then getting through 8 hours in the office can be torture, I'm sitting there so tense and my brain is on over-drive. It is hard to concentrate on the actual work. By the time I get home my muscles hurt so badly and I'm exhausted! I hope someday I can just get up and go to work without thinking about it.

AnxietyFreak
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 11/30/2007 4:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Anxietyridden... as stkitt has said you have to take care of yourself too! After work its important to just unwind and have some time to yourself... in your journey to battle anxiety you have to think of yourself first and whats best for you!

anxietyridden
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted Yesterday 9:50 AM (GMT -7)   
So on Saturday night we had our office holiday party. We have about 65 employees at our company, so if you add SO's to that there were about 130 people in attendance. I was dreading this for weeks due to my anxiety and the fact that I have had panic attacks lately even just being around 5 or more people. But I knew that I had to go, especially since I work with my BF and he'd be there -- I didn't want to let him down by refusing to go and letting him field the questions about why I wasn't there. I was a wreck all day beforehand, but I managed to pull it together when the time came. When I got to the party it was like I was on autopilot, I knew what I had to do, and adrenaline got me through it. I managed to make small talk, eat dinner and even participate in one of the games in front of the whole crowd. By the time we left around 10 (so I had endured 5 hours) I was pretty proud of myself for not letting my anxiety get the better of me. But then I got home...

It was like the adrenaline wore off and the anxiety I'd been pushing away all evening crowded in on me. I literally felt poisoned by it. All of a sudden my heart was pounding, I started sweating, shaking and feeling sick to my stomach. I was sitting on the couch trying to distract myself with a Christmas movie and doing deep breathing...I just kept telling myself that it was over and I'd made it through, no reason to feel anxious now. It didn't work! I was so tense that my muscles ached horribly and are still sore. I'd fall asleep for 15 minutes at a time and then bolt upright, sweating and my heart pounding. I was awake until 5 or 6 a.m. and only managed about 2 hours of sleep that night.

Is this "normal" for anxiety? To sort of feel it as an after-affect of an event? It was a long, horrible night...after the party was over, which was just so strange because I felt sure it would be the party that was the horrible part. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted Yesterday 11:19 AM (GMT -7)   

Oh My a Party...............yes you are normal.  I have done this very same thing. I have forced myself to go to the party and acted like I was fine and having a good time.  But usually the first to leave, like you say after 4-5 hours.  That is a lot of time to be running on adrenaline.

When I got home or even before I would be in tears that I had to try so hard to do what others take for granted.  I would feel anxious and upset for hours.  I was always very disappointed in myself.  I have learned now not to beat myself up and to not force myself to go to events that I find very uncomfortable. I pick and choose where I go and how long I can stay.  The panic has subsided although I still have anxiety but most of the time it is controlled.

So be assured, you are not loosing your mind. :)

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
******www.healingwell.com/donate***
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 

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