Major Setback in the Making

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debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 12/20/2007 10:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello, all. It's been a while since I posted here. Right now I'm not in a very good way, though.

I'm not really sure what's going on, but my first symptoms were itching around the face and ears. The last time this happened to me was several years ago, just after I had my final job interview in another city. On the way down there I started with this crazy itching and tightness of the skin. I believe my face even peeled. Strange thing is I had four interviews in total and was sure I'd get the job. I didn't think I was nervous.

I did get the job, as expected. I crashed at a friend's place that night and the next day a bunch of us went out for burgers. It was Saturday. The place we ate these burgers at (a bar) was actually infamous for its kitchen not being sanitary, but I had no idea at the time. After that I left Austin and headed back up the I35 to Dallas/Fort Worth, where I stopped at my mom's for a visit on the way home. At some point on the journey I began to feel quite nauseated. Instead of staying at my mother's that night, I decided to drive all the way back home (another hour). On this leg of the trip was when things got really bad. I became violently ill at 70 mph in a construction zone, where there was no place to pull the car over. This continued the whole way back to my apartment.

At the time I assumed I had food poisoning. It wasn't until two years later that I was diagnosed with A/P, but looking back on it, I'm kind of thinking that getting that job really drove it home that I was going to have to move, and move in a big hurry. Not only that I'd had to share an efficiency with a friend until I found a place for my own, and work in an office environment for the first time in years. A lot was expected of me from my employer, too, of course. I think all of this may have culminated into my first panic attack or anxiety episode but am not sure about that.

Fast forward to tonight.

I've once again changed careers and have moved back to Dallas. I'm on medication now and things have been going well, although I've been extremely busy with work for the past six weeks or so. I also do NOT like holidays. Never have. Anyway, tomorrow I have a long work day on the road planned and without coming home I'm driving to visit my dad and step mother for a couple days. They live about 2.5 hours from where I'll be at the end of my workday tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to that. My dad is also my boss, and while I've obviously reconciled with him there will be some things that will never be gotten over. Then, after that, I will drive back to Fort Worth for a couple of days to spend time with my Mother for Christmas. I'll be away from home for a total of five days. So tonight I've been planning tomorrow's work day, packing, doing laundry, washing dishes, etc. This is after a long workday today. In fact, it seems like if I'm awake I'm either working or about to work or just got done working. No exaggeration. It's not all that stressful but it does get tiring.

So...

To make a long story short, tonight I got the itchy head again. Itchy scalp, itchy cheeks, burning ears. My skin feels tight all over my face and is noticeably red. Anxiety is high in spite of my Klonopin.

I guess that I'm worried this will be 2003 all over again. I get out on the road tomorrow and start puking my guts out in the middle of nowhere, miles away from anyone who can help. I normally do not ask for such support, but please tell me that this is not going to turn really bad. Possibly my hygiene just hasn't been good enough; I do take a shower daily but sometimes I'm in such a rush I know I don't really get clean enough.
BRAINFRIENDENEMY is no longer an A/P blog:
www.brainfriendenemy.com/
BRAINFRIENDENEMY2 is now an A/P blog, though:
www.brainfriendenemy2.wordpress.com


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/21/2007 7:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Howdy Stranger,

Sorry to hear the A & P is coming at you. First of all debaser, stop............no anticipatory anxiety allowed.  Well just a tiny bit, but let the thoughts in and then shoo them away.  You are looking at a short span of time.

Think of it this way, your on a time limited trip and the end is in sight so don't let the anxiety over take you.  You have worked hard and come far so stay in the moment.  Get your work done today and then throw in your favorite CD's and sing while on the drive.

Use your meds if you need them.  It is ok to give yourself permission to be kind to you.

'Tis the season to have anxiety! Remember to do your deep breathing exercises and muscle relaxation techniques. Be sure to ink in some private time for yourself on your  schedule.  Take a walk, watch a sunset, listen to music or  watch a favorite DVD.

Here's to a stress free Christmas. May your
Christmas lights work..... the first time. :)

Kitt



 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
******www.healingwell.com/donate***
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 12/21/2007 9:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, Kitt.

Well that's thing...there will be no private time on this trip. If there could be it wouldn't be nearly so bad.

And that experience way back when...well this IS how that started. Whether the itching and vomiting were related at all, I do not know. But as much as I try I cannot get it out of my head. Couldn't get to sleep until 3am last night.

The meds are for maintenance. They've helped a lot but it's such a small dose that I'm not sure taking more will do much this kind of intense anxiety. The itching and purning and all of that didn't begin until about an hour after I took my regular dose last night. Maybe it wasn't anxiety-related, but feeling it just bought back those memories and made anxious. Well, I was pretty ramped up for hours yesterday. I don't know why. It started at about 3 or 4 in the afternoon and didn't stop until about 8:45, 45 minutes after taking my normal dose. And then it came back, as mentioned.

This morning I've woken up quite late. That's not a huge problem; I'm not stressing about that. While the face doesn't burn like it did last night, my skin is still quite tight and there is still itching. What gives?

I'm just really confused right now.
BRAINFRIENDENEMY is no longer an A/P blog:
www.brainfriendenemy.com/
BRAINFRIENDENEMY2 is now an A/P blog, though:
www.brainfriendenemy2.wordpress.com


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/21/2007 10:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey there my Friend,

I think there are a lot of people spinning in circles this time of year. I started to feel that old confused feeling yesterday too............like why am I feeling anxious, it is just Christmas..........but the feeling of being overwelmed was creeping in.  I told myself to stop and quit the worrying......for goodness sake, Christmas comes every year and it should be a peaceful time, so I will make that happen for me.

I hope you can feel some peace through this holiday too.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
******www.healingwell.com/donate***
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 12/21/2007 11:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks.

Yeah, even people without anxiety disorders are really stressed this time of year. No doubt. I think I've just been working incredibly hard of late and simply need a day or two off. It's been four years since I've had any vacation time, ya know? Four years. Now that I'm running my own show I'll probably never have any again. I had plenty of time off with my last job, but it was due to illness so I don't really count that at all.

And, let's face it....I just plain don't like Christmas. The whole gift thing is such a load of crap. I mean, does anyone ever thing of what the holiday is really supposed to be about??? I'm not saying I'm some great, enlightened person or anything. Just dislike commercialism, that's all. Maybe it would be different if I had a larger or less dysfunctional family, or had children of my own.

Due to stuff that happened when I was a little kid, this is just not a good time of year for my family. This event caused it to be dysfunctional. December's just...not good.

Anyway, so after this is all over I think I'm going to work a series of half-days or something. I like my business but the hours are just getting to me. Need a break. So that gives me something to look forward to. I think having something to look forward to helps a lot.

But, yeah, I've made the long drive. No throwing up or anything crazy like that. I've been in high-anxiety mode since I got here, but work was actually pretty easy going and the long drive here wasn't so bad. I have to start looking at the bright side again. Important.

Well, my internet access is shaky at best so I probably won't be back on here for a while. Thanks, Kitt, for your responses. You're a great woman.
BRAINFRIENDENEMY is no longer an A/P blog:
www.brainfriendenemy.com/
BRAINFRIENDENEMY2 is now an A/P blog, though:
www.brainfriendenemy2.wordpress.com


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/22/2007 8:05 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you and do set those goals and dream big, why not?  If I did not have dreams or plans I would just fall back into the black hole.

You have come a long way my friend.

Hugs and Happy New Year 2008.

Kitt

 


 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
******www.healingwell.com/donate***
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Sunshine1108
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 268
   Posted 12/22/2007 9:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hang in there.  Everything will get back on track for you.  The holidays can be stressful and crazy.  I know my anxiety has been hightened a bit the past few weeks. 
 
Kitt is right, it's just Christmas.
 
 
 
 
Wishing you a peaceful holiday!
Mary
~Take Life One Minute At A Time!
~What Does Not Kill Us Makes Us Stronger!


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 12/22/2007 11:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, guys.

I had another rough evening tonight. My father and his wife had made reservations for us to eat at some steak place, and even though I was objectively ambivalent about going, I guess deep down I didn't want to because anxiety came on with a vengeance. I stayed here and they went anyway. Once I had some solitude I felt quite a bit better.

When they came back so did my anxiety. My father and I have a strange relationship. He left when I was very young and I didn't see him again until my high school graduation. After that we built some kind of relationship, but that was put to an abrupt halt because of a controversy I won't get into here. That lasted five or six years. I got to know him again when my mom called him to take me to the hospital where I was finally diagnosed with A/P (at the time he lived a lot closer to me than she did). Since then we've built a relationship and are even in business together. Weird, you know? It's a strange relationship and I'm not sure I'll ever be totally comfortable with it, but it's definitely a good thing.

I'll leave here sometime tomorrow and go to my Mother's. That will not be stress-free by any means but it should be better than this if all goes well. My mom can be kind of a pill, especially when she's stressed out. So we'll see. But either way I get to go home on Christmas Day and she and I no longer live very far apart. So that alone helps.

I've got to say I've been pretty disappointed about this. I've made a lot of progress. A lot by any measure. But I wasn't even on medication last year at this time and don't remember it being this hard. Like I said before, perhaps it is the work issue (then again, my last job was pretty intense too).

Thanks for allowing me to vent here. Since I no longer write a daily anxiety blog and am far away from the things that are therapeutic for me (art, musical instruments), I have to fall back on writing. I also don't have my friends down here, either, and can't talk as much to my "codependent online support person"/friend. A lot of the names around here on HW seem to have changed, and I guess we have to assume that's a good thing, right? People are making progress, I hope.

In spite of this setback I know for a fact that I will continue to improve. It's hard to find the right mindset initially, but once a person does, anyone CAN get better. It takes a lot of work in terms of breaking habits and stuff like that, but progress is attainable and I just want to tell that to whomever may need to hear it. There was a time when I would have called off this trip, for example. Even though I knew it wouldn't be easy, I'm still here. Alive and kicking. It's hard but I have faith that it's only a temporary setback and not a backslide. I'll make it, and so will all of you!

Incidentally, my face is now peeling. The weird rash or whatever it was from the other day clearly wasn't an "imaginary" phenomenon. Nothing had changed in terms of diet, detergents, or anything like that so I think it's safe to say an allergic reaction can be ruled out. It had to have been stress. This mind/body connection continues to amaze me. Anyway....

God bless all of you, and have a wonderful Christmas and New Year.
BRAINFRIENDENEMY is no longer an A/P blog:
www.brainfriendenemy.com/
BRAINFRIENDENEMY2 is now an A/P blog, though:
www.brainfriendenemy2.wordpress.com


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/23/2007 5:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Debaser I am glad you made it there and are doing okay to a point ..like you said ......DO what is best for you my friend ...look back to a yr ago you were a mess .......then you were the one I was reading every post about and came away with SOMETHING tangible and usable ...........useful

YOU helped me thru so much you have NO idea........

I wish only peace and Happiness for you and totally agree about the commercalism about Christmas......

Be good to self
WE have missed you
Cait is engaged ,...can u believe it ............

Luvs my friend
LYN.
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
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  CO-Moderator@ Crohns
       Anxiety/Panic
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DX @ Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum ,Anxiety /Panic
New DX of C.O.P.D.
ON too Many meds to post.........
 
        We Have Anxiety.....Anxiety Does NOT have Us
 
      
 
 
                            


ryleigh
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 251
   Posted 12/23/2007 5:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Debaser,   Well my friend, you have come a long way baby..  We all have set backs for sure..  But you did it.  You made it to your Dads,  then you will go to your moms and soon enough you will be back home...   I knew you could do it..  I have all the faith in the world in you..   I wish I could have helped you more but the situation makes it hard to communicate as much...   Well my freind you are half way done..   Good job..   Always remember I am always here for you...   Take care my friend..    tongue

Ryleigh


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/23/2007 5:22 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Debaser,

I think when you start to write you identify your own issues very well.  Try not to compare last year's Christmas to this years.  Remember I am the stay in the Moment lady.  You can't go back and  you only cause anxiety in trying to analyze the whys?

You know it is always ok to say, sorry I cannot attend the festivities at your home due to previous engagement.

Take care of you and FYI I never did figure out who Triviahub was............lol.

Keep on writing here as it is helpful to bare your soul to your Healing Well Family.

Hugs at ya

Kitt


 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
******www.healingwell.com/donate***
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 12/23/2007 6:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Debaser,
 
I am so glad that you made it through being at your Dad's and you're doing as well as can be expected considering is Christmas, which is stressful enough - never mind adding the family issues and the stress that comes with that.
 
This is what you need to remember, although this may be a little bit of a set back for you - you have NOT lost anything that you worked so hard in order to get better.  All the coping skills you have learned and used, even the advice you have given others was probably useful to you in some way or another.  You have not lost any of those things just because of a set back and that's because nothing or anyone can take those things from you.  This was a lesson I learned while getting my son the treatment he needed.  I was told over and over again that just because there is a setback, does not mean that he would end up being where he wa 5 years ago.  All the progress you have made cannot be lost because of a few bad days.
 
So please be kind to yourself and give yourself a bit of a break - don't be so disappointed at your body's reaction to the stress.  This is a hard time of the year for most people, there just seems to be so much to do and little time to get it all done in.  Go with it and try to deal with it the best you know how.  Pretty soon you will home and will be able to relax.
 
Try to have a good few days and remember, not all is lost.
 
Wen

Dx:  Agoraphobia, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Mitral Valve Prolapse, Panic/Anxiety Disorders, Probable Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Severe Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety

 Rx: Abilify, Ambien CR, Ativan, Flexeril, Lamictal, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER

 

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important

than any other one thing.

Abraham Lincoln

 


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 12/24/2007 9:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, yeah. I definitely don't think this is a slippery slope back into the depths or anything. It's just stress. Most of it is over now but tomorrow won't be easy. Literally my entire family will be here, not that there's a whole lot of them or anything. But I've never spent any time with them with the exception of my grandmother and mother. It's too bad my step-dad and grandfather are gone. Christmas isn't the same without them.

I've probably said all that. I'm trying to watch the Godfather on TV right now so I'm a bit distracted.

Want to say thanks to everyone for the kind words and that I hope you all have a great time tomorrow.
BRAINFRIENDENEMY is no longer an A/P blog:
www.brainfriendenemy.com/
BRAINFRIENDENEMY2 is now an A/P blog, though:
www.brainfriendenemy2.wordpress.com


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/25/2007 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   

Your Welcome Debaser and Merry Christmas to YOU.

Hugs

Kitt


 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
******www.healingwell.com/donate***
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/25/2007 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Try having a great Day Debaser

Luvs
LYN you truly are one that does deserve it my friend .............
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
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  CO-Moderator@ Crohns
       Anxiety/Panic
  Moderator@ Alzheimer's
DX @ Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum ,Anxiety /Panic
New DX of C.O.P.D.
ON too Many meds to post.........
 
        We Have Anxiety.....Anxiety Does NOT have Us
 
 
                 Happy Holiday From My Home To Yours
      Please Stay Safe and Have  a Designated Driver .........
                           LYN N CAIT
 
 
                            


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 12/27/2007 10:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, Christmas Day started off horribly, horribly wrong. I won't get into all the details but my mother just remodeled and there was a plumbing problem with the sink in the master bath, causing an epic mess. Then people decided they were going to show up early. My mom totally freaked out, and I woke up not feeling well to begin with because while watching the Godfather, I thought it would be a great idea to chow down on crackers and that stupid cheese that squirts out of a can. Yuck! And she has two poodles who are both totally insane and caused problems all day.

I handled it a little better as the day went on, I guess. Not perfectly, but I held together! And that night I came home...it was very, very nice.

Thanks to everyone for their support and well-wishes. I hope all of your Christmases were great and that you have an awesome New Year.
BRAINFRIENDENEMY is no longer an A/P blog:
www.brainfriendenemy.com/
BRAINFRIENDENEMY2 is now an A/P blog, though:
www.brainfriendenemy2.wordpress.com


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/30/2007 6:43 AM (GMT -7)   
All the best to you my friend IN 2008

YOU did great thru all of that

KUDOS
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
                          http://www.healingwell.com/donate/
 
 Moderator for Anxiety/Panic
 Moderator for Alzheimer's
 Co Mod for Crohns
 
 DX with Crohns ...Pyoderma Gangrenosum ..Anxiety /Panic.....
 TOO many meds to Post 
 
           Wishing all a Better and Healthier New Year in 2008  
 
        We have Anxiety ..Anxiety Does NOT have US........FIGHT
 
                        Luvs and God Bless..LYN
 
 
                            

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