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chrisnsteph1022
Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 689

Posted 11/13/2009 11:30 AM (GMT -7)

I'm feeling very conflicted on what to do. I'm spiraling down quickly. I'm manic and I'm doing some serious SI. I'm NOT suicidal and have no desire to die. However, I've been having strong thoughts about leaving. I love my family SO much that I'm finding it hard to put them through this. They deserve better and they don't deserve the stress and emotions I bring. My kids are, for the most part, oblivious, being so young. But my husband knows everything. He keeps telling me he needs me, he loves me, he wants to help me. And I appreciate that. I really really do. But maybe he'd be happier without me around, and he just doesn't know that. We've been together (happily) since I was 17 (I'm 29 now).

I KNOW I need help. I see my therapist and SHE knows I need help. She said I need meds. However, neither I nor my hubby are willing to do that. Last time, I tried Lamictal and it made me suicidal. It was incredibly scary for me and hubby. I cannot risk going through that again.

I'm struggling on which option is better: take meds and risk the side effects (which could be fatal) or stay off meds and hope things will get better on their own.

Stephanie, 29, married for 10 wonderful years and mommy to two awesome toddlers
dx with Crohn's 4/2003, in remission from 11/2003 to 7/2009
omeprazole 40mg, zoloft 100mg, apriso 1500mg, dicyclomine 3/day
dx with bipolar II 8/2009, re-diagnosed with bipolar I 9/09
Apparently allergic to lamictal...waiting on next rx

_Christina
Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 259

Posted 11/13/2009 7:31 PM (GMT -7)

I have to say that I have been in that scary and dangerous situation a few times. With AND without medication. The change in seasons alone can send me into a headspin. I'm still pretty early in the process, but I lean toward medications. (but I also have mulitple Dx too- so I am out of options)

Christina

^{Even though I do not understand where I am going on the path that God has laid out for me, I must submit to His plan and trust that He will take me where I need to be.}

^{Current medications:}

^{Bipolar treatment-Lamictal, 200mg, Mood stabelizer, daily(main side effect: brain fog) Bipolar treatment-Cymbalta, 40mg, Antidepressant, daily(main side effect: GI upset, decreased clotting, insominia) Anemia, Fatigue treatment- Iron supplement, 65mg, daily(main side effect: constipation) Insominia treatment- Ambien, 10mg, daily(main side effect: amnesia eppisodes between taking pill and falling asleep) Mania treatment- Alprazolam, .25mg, Very rarely(main side effect: fatigue, slowing of thoughts, depression of CNS, can't take ambien or vicodin when on it) RA treatment- Plaquenil, 400mg, daily(main side effect: GI upset, decreased clotting) RA treatment- Methotrexate, 25mg, 1X weekly(main side effects: hair loss, stomach upset, mouth sores, sore muscles, fatigue, brain fog, compromised immune system, decreased Folic Acid absorption) GI upset treatment- Leucovorin Calcium, 10mg 1x weekly(main side effects: ?) Folic Acid defintioncy- Folic Acid, 1mg, daily(main side effects: ?) Multi-mineral Supplement (main side effects: constipation, GI upset) Constipation treatment- Docusate Sodium, 200mg, daily(main side effects:?) pain control- Motrin, 800mg, PRN Q6hours daily(main side effects: GI upset, decreased clotting) Pain Control- Vicodin, 5-500mg, PRN Q12hours 3-4 times weekly (main side effects: brain fog, fatigue)}

serafena
Forum Moderator

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3555

Posted 11/14/2009 9:42 PM (GMT -7)

Hi Steph,

I know you're scared because of what happened with the Lamictal, but you should consider trying something else. The meds do not all work the same. Talk to your doctor about your concerns and your fears about medication, but I'd recommend trying a different drug. You need and deserve some relief from this.

serafena

Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

naone
New Member

Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 18

Posted 11/16/2009 4:32 PM (GMT -7)

Hello Stephanie...

I can relate with your husband, DO NOT LEAVE...I am not BP,my wife is..I can only sympathize with you...but I can tell you not to leave your husband who's been there and will always be there. We are very special guys to be here for our wives when they go through these things...there aren't a lot of men who would fight through it with you...he's not leaving you there don't leave him there....Steph...you can do it.....fight with EVERYTHING you have to stay with your family...at the end of the day...it's all you have...if you are strong enough and conscience enough to love them...than you are conscience enough and strong enough to fight. God Bless your husband....I'm right there with him...and God Bless you.

True Champion...

red lightening
Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 130

Posted 11/16/2009 5:25 PM (GMT -7)

I have been told not to make any major life decisions when manic
or depressed. It's really hard not too and sometimes I couldn't help it.
But I usually regretted any impulse moves made when I wasn't well
because I wasn't able to see the situation clearly.

O Buddy Boy
Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 97

Posted 11/16/2009 6:01 PM (GMT -7)

Stephanie

"But my husband knows everything. He keeps telling me he needs me, he loves me, he wants to help me."

Read that over and over and over. And believe that.

Read this once:

"But maybe he'd be happier without me around, and he just doesn't know that."

And don't believe a word of that. If he has been there for you, and will be there for you, then you need to be there for him.

The person you are really running away from is your manic self. And you know, deep down, as much as the mania is trying to fool you, that you cannot run away from yourself.

Your husband will miss you very much. And your children need their awesome Mommy.

Just keep telling yourself that it's the mania.

OBB

Post Edited (O Buddy Boy) : 11/17/2009 10:29:38 AM (GMT-7)

Kiraz
Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 37

Posted 11/17/2009 8:35 AM (GMT -7)

Perhaps it's not an option for you, given the current economic situation, or for various other reasons, but I've found during my manic episodes, I planned trips. Weekend visits with out of state friends, events and conventions. It lets me travel, change up the pace a bit, but without making disastrous decisions that I will regret later.

One weekend a few years back I was so antsy, I needed to get away and just do something, so I called some friends about 2 hours away, and arranged for a stay of a few days. I got out, I had fun, and I knew I had my home and my safe life to return to.

serafena
Forum Moderator

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3555

Posted 11/17/2009 10:28 AM (GMT -7)

How are you doing Stephanie?

Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

chrisnsteph1022
Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 689

Posted 11/17/2009 10:31 AM (GMT -7)

Thank you all. Your responses made me cry. You're all right-he does want me around (for some odd reason) and my kids are probably happier with a mommy who only wants to play some of the time than no mommy at all. At least that's what I'm trying to convince myself of.

I called yesterday and set up an appointment with pdoc for tomorrow. Hubby and I agreed that I would try a new med, but would wait until the weekend when he can be home to monitor me. SOMEthing has to change. I can't stop hurting myself. It seems I've slipped into depression now? I didn't think that could happen so fast, but I'm sitting here bawling, don't want to leave the house or get out of my pajamas, etc. Yet I'm having trouble sleeping, mind is constantly racing but body cannot keep up.

I'm just so confused on how all this happened. I've gone from just kinda depressed to feeling like I'm falling apart and losing my mind over the course of this year. And for no real reason. My mental health is rapidly declining and I feel like an outsider, looking in, screaming 'No! you have to stop before it's too late!' and I can't hear myself. I can see things getting worse by the week and can't turn it around. I just want to be normal again and I'm afraid I never will be.

Stephanie, 29, married for 10 wonderful years and mommy to two awesome toddlers
dx with Crohn's 4/2003, in remission from 11/2003 to 7/2009
omeprazole 40mg, zoloft 100mg, apriso 1500mg, dicyclomine 3/day
dx with bipolar II 8/2009, re-diagnosed with bipolar I 9/09
Apparently allergic to lamictal...waiting on next rx

serafena
Forum Moderator

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3555

Posted 11/17/2009 10:50 AM (GMT -7)

Hi Stephanie,

I'm glad you're going to see your doc. You're right -- you can't go on living like this.

What you're describing sounds like a mixed episode, and it sounds just like what I was going through in July and August. I can totally relate. Just keep hanging in there. Have faith, even when your heart and head are telling you otherwise, that you will get better. You will get through this. Your husband and your kids love you and need you and their worlds would be shattered without you.

serafena

Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

chrisnsteph1022
Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 689

Posted 11/18/2009 11:16 AM (GMT -7)

Saw the pdoc today. She gave me Saphris. She said it's new and in a different class from Lamictal. She said tests show no weight gain, so I'm happy about that. I will start it Friday night, so hubby can monitor me over the weekend. She also said the SI behavior points to a personality disorder of some sort, but she only treats Axis 1 conditions, not Axis 2. I think that's the right word-that's what it sounded like. I have never heard of it. But apparently Axis 1 can be treated with meds, while 2 cannot. So that would be my therapist's arena. I know we have discussed OCPD (not OCD) and the SI is probably just my newest obsession. I need to try to move on to something else.

Stephanie, 29, married for 10 wonderful years and mommy to two awesome toddlers
dx with Crohn's 4/2003, in remission from 11/2003 to 7/2009
omeprazole 40mg, zoloft 100mg, apriso 1500mg, dicyclomine 3/day
dx with bipolar II 8/2009, re-diagnosed with bipolar I 9/09
Apparently allergic to lamictal...waiting on next rx

sukay
Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1332

Posted 11/19/2009 4:15 AM (GMT -7)

Stephanie,

I'm really glad you made the choice to go to the doctor and try the medications again. Life is so much easier when we are on the right ones. I'm really sorry to hear about your last experience with meds, but there are so many out there to try, please never give up. Stay in contact with your doc and let him know anytime something pops up that you're having a hard time dealing with. Adjustments are key.

I think most of us feel that our spouses or families would be better off without our crazy life that we live and end up dragging them through as well. But as someone else has said, that's really only the disease talking!!!!

I'm interested to hear how this new med will work for you. I think I read on another post that "Precious Gem" just started this drug and felt results pretty quickly. Everyone is different, but I hope it works out well for you too.

Great idea about starting a new med on the weekend when your husband is available to keep an eye on you. That is how I approach new med changes as well.

Keep us posted!

~sukay~

Bipolar - 2004

Crohns disease - 1995

Arthritis & Fibromyalgia

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Leo Buscaglia

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