The original version of this page can be found at : http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=3897075
Posted By : KittyJ - 8/13/2017 1:07 PM
I'll make this as brief as possible. We dated for a year while at a 2 hour long distance and both at the end of our schooling. He was in law school and had dealt with a severe depressive episode a year before we started dating after ending a long relationship and was put on benzodiazepines for anxiety and antidepressants.

Things were really great the first 8 months or so as the first 3 were spent in our hometown and the rest we would see each other every weekend. I noticed he started to seem a bit distant and started saying strange things about having a "less sexual" relationship as well as other strange things not regarding the relationship but that contradicted things he had previously said. He started spiraling and drinking more and more and then suddenly one week before he was supposed to go on a family trip (he had confirmed recently for my mother to buy the plane tickets) he calls me when I am getting in the car to come see him for the weekend to tell me not to come, that he doesn't think he loves me anymore, that he is having a hard time in school (never mentioned this before then) and that he didn't want a relationship at this time in his life. I told him I was concerned about him and that he seemed to be in a depressive episode but I would respect it.

I then heard from him about every 3 months via text message just a short "how's it going" or "let's hang over the holidays" (which never happened) and this went on for 2 years. He ended up finishing law school a year and a half later than planned and then moved back home, I had been living back in our hometown in the 2 years since I graduated. Very soon after he moved back I started seeing him places and then he asked to hang out and ended up apologizing and asking for another shot. I had had one bad and one good relationship since him and he had one bad one since me.

We discussed things in-depth and he explained he was on different meds now for depression and off the benzodiazepines and that he was much better and clearer now, that he was sorry for how things ended when he was unwell. I told him that it was likely to happen again and he said he had a better handle now on recognizing the effects of depression and would discuss it with me if it started happening again. Pretty soon into things he also explained that the medication had the negative side effect of driving his libido down, but I told him I'd rather have him well and a mild sex life than otherwise. So, we had sex about once a month but we did lots of other fun things together and he would stay over a few nights a week and we had shows we watched together. This has been for almost a year and a half.

about 4 months ago he stopped staying over and when I brought it up a month later he said he was starting to feel depressed and he simply felt better sleeping alone right now. We continued to do other things together and went on a couple trips together and we had sex on those trips. He has seemed to get more and more down but I didn't want to pry or push so I just went about my business as usual and saw him a few nights a week. We recently went on a trip to Florida together for a week and one day he stayed in bed all day and while he had a blast the first day on the beach he seemed disontereeted the rest of our trip. One week later we are out together at our favorite bar and about 2 hours in he just looks at me and asks to be "just friends." He says he isn't attracted to me anymore doesn't love me, is unhappy, then he brings up that we have hardly had sex in months. Um... that was me respecting his medication issues and wishes to sleep alone. How are we supposed to have a sex life when he avoids the opportunity?

Then, after saying as long as I've known him that he doesn't have any real desire to get married but would do it if we were together a long time and I wanted it, he says he wants to get married someday and doesn't see himself married to me. Then I told him he is sounding the same as he sounded the last time he did this, just as cold and sad, and he said he often wants to die and even referenced shooting himself in the face. I told him he regretted this last time, that in the midst of depression is not a time to make big decisions, and recommended a one month break. He agreed.

I texted him only once, telling him I was concerned and asking if he would at least talk to his psychiatrist about the feelings he has been having. He gave no reply. I don't think any more contact from me will help anything and I've let his sister know what's going on with him so I've done all I can. MOST of me is certain this is the depression talking and not how he really feels, but you can't avoid that little shred of doubt and that little sting that is also there. I am aware this is not something I have any control over and that's oddly comforting yet also sad. I hate that he is obviously in such a terrible place and it just sucks. I also need to mention: he lives with his parents, he didn't pass the bar and is working a job he doesn't enjoy and that doesn't hold regular hours for a steady schedule, he drinks every night and is a heavy smoker, he suffers panic attacks out of nowhere regularly, he doesn't eat well. I guess I'm just asking for similar experiences and people who can relate. It has been 5 days since this last "breakup."

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/13/2017 2:18:00 PM (GMT-6)


Posted By : getting by - 8/13/2017 2:19 PM
I gave your post paragraphs for easier reading. Please use paragraphs with long posts.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Posted By : getting by - 8/13/2017 2:25 PM
Sounds like he is in a rough spot. I am glad you are giving him space.

These things take time, and he needs to go on a healing journey. I am glad you are respecting that.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/13/2017 2:41 PM
Thanks Karen, sorry about the ramble without the paragraphs. I read a lot here the first time this happened but at that time I was less convinced it was just his depression talking seeing as how it was the first time around and I didn't know nearly as much about depression.

We are both 30, which I failed to mention. I think he feels aimless in his life and the depression has been coming on for some time. I should have known better than to ignore it. I should have recommended a therapy session for us both back when he stopped wanting to stay over (but insisted he adored me and wanted to be with me).

His sister seems to think I have a pretty good understanding of his illness, and she is a sufferer as well. Right now he is out of town with his family (her included) and I am glad for that.

I'm toying with the idea of asking him at the end of this month break to see a counselor with me. Even if he still feels like he wants to end it I can explain that it will help me accept and process that after giving him a year of my life twice. Just to get him there will in fact help me but just may be a nudge toward getting help for him as well. Thoughts?

Posted By : getting by - 8/13/2017 3:49 PM
Sounds like an idea. This would get everything out on the table for the both of you. With an objective eye as well. I wish you the best, and welcome to the forum.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Posted By : kellyinCali - 8/13/2017 6:29 PM
Somebody said...
I'm toying with the idea of asking him at the end of this month break to see a counselor with me. Even if he still feels like he wants to end it I can explain that it will help me accept and process that after giving him a year of my life twice. Just to get him there will in fact help me but just may be a nudge toward getting help for him as well. Thoughts?


I think this is a reasonable request. HUG.

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/14/2017 10:18 AM
Does this sound like a typical major depressive's cycles? Anyone been through similar situations with their long-time SOs? I've tried to read around objectively but then I convince myself that I'm seeing similarities because I want to and not because they are there. It's hard not to take this personally even though my head knows it isn't about me.

Posted By : Tim Tam - 8/14/2017 12:44 PM
Kitty:

You asked: "Does this sound like a typical major depressive's cycles? Anyone been through similar situations with their long-time SOs?"

It jarred me back decades ago when my girlfriend and I were dating for about five years, and I lost my job, was then out of social contact, within a day or two was starting to get depressed, stayed untreated there for about 3-4 weeks, and then had a nervous breakdown.

During that 3-4 weeks of untreated depression, I remember my girlfriend saying, "I never saw you." I was in such turmoil, hate, anger, including at her.

After my breakdown and on my medicine, I never wanted to be away from her, for fear of losing her, didn't want to be alone, each day, or for the rest of my life. I was on a different medicine though, an anti-psychotic, which spooked me out, made me completely dependent, not on an anti-depressant which I'm now on and gives me a non-depressed calmative effect.

I don't know what's going on, maybe he feels pressure to be the way he was around a still strong girl.

Maybe he feels he can't keep up with that anymore. Maybe you're on a different level now than he is, and he doesn't want the uneasiness of keeping up with someone who’s never had a major mental illness. Of someone who is stronger, and as the male, he’s supposed to be stronger, and not have the feeling that he’s being taken care of, not on an equal basis with a female.

That could be humiliating to him. Maybe to find the freedom to saunder off, re-identify himself, take stock, build back what confidence he has left, as the new, lower-level him, to have a new girl who hasn’t seen him as a weakling and in an embarrassing, inferior state. As the strong one.

Maybe a girl who has had some problems, herself. Maybe someone he can identify with, yeah, and as someone he can help: “Honey, what’s the matter?” Not someone asking him that.

Before my nervous breakdown/depression/panic attacks/ bipolar, I was the strong one/equal with my girlfriend. After that started, I was dependent on her. I accepted it for I didn’t want to be alone, I needed all the help I could get, even if it meant going from being girlfriend helped, to be being mothered by my girlfriend help. But after my collapse, it wasn’t the same.

If you can't have a counselor meeting, can you just sit down and talk with him? You’ve probably already tried that, and he probably won’t talk. You can at least give your side, “I’ll be here if you ever want to talk.”

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/14/2017 3:32 PM
Thank you for your insight. I own my own home, have a steady 9-5 job, and have the most balanced moods of anyone I know. I never thought those might be reasons to NOT want to be with me lol but I suppose coming from a place where one is already questioning his self-worth it is certainly possible. I think he feels like he has no direction in his life right now and that has been the biggest contributing factor to his depression. I also suspect he may have stopped taking the Lexapro or it has stopped working for him like it was before. When well, he seems so clear on what is real and what was caused by his depression but now he seems to have forgotten what it was like to come out of it before or even what it was like at all before he began to become depressed again. I really hate this for both of us. I'm not sure he'll ever have a good long-term handle on his illness until he has more stability and independence in his life, and yet I'm not sure he can accomplish these things unless he gets well. It's a catch-22.

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/14/2017 3:47 PM
As far as just sitting down to talk to him, he approached this whole conversation in public after about 6 whiskey shots and didn't respond to the one text I sent him since. When we did talk that night he wasn't making a whole lot of sense and just kept grasping at random reasons (he did the same thing the last time, and did it at a very inappropriate time seemingly by impulse).

He said he just didn't find me attractive anymore when a few weeks before he was "obsessed with my body." He brought up how we haven't had sex in weeks when he hasn't been staying over and he has had a low libido since before we got back together due to his meds.I think the only way to have a truly productive discussion with him in this state is to honor the month break and then talk with the presence of an experienced therapist.

Posted By : Tim Tam - 8/15/2017 11:14 AM
You said, probably about his lower interest in sex, "He said he just didn't find me attractive anymore when a few weeks before he was "obsessed with my body."

One time at college age I was in a situation on a first date with a female and she was doing her part, but I couldn't do my part, and it was very embarrassing.

And, afterwards, to try and regain my composure/confidence, I started talking about some of my strong points, to overcome my humiliation at her having seen one of my weak points.

I felt like I had to get back on top of the situation, as a male, mentally to try and overcome the other deficit.

So, I'm going to guess that your boyfriend, whose interest in sex has been greatly lowered from the med/depression, is trying to regain mentally the balance he has lost by saying, in effect, it is your fault he has little interest in sex.

I've been in that situation and I know the depths one can sink to to overcome that embarrassment.

The fact that his drinking has increased shows inner turmoil, in my view, and the only time he is able to talk about y'alls new situation is when he has been drinking.

His depression talked about in front of you is too painful, it may be.

It does sound like, as you said, the only discussion you are going to get with him is in front of a therapist.

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/18/2017 11:45 AM
He called me and we talked yesterday. I told him my thoughts on what is going on and he didn't disagree. I asked him to see a counselor with me just once before making decisions and he said he wants to meet to talk tomorrow night after he gets back in town. He said then we can discuss everything sober, and talk about the counselor idea (I think he is trying to avoid it but I am not going to be convinced it isn't necessary.) He said "going to a professional is serious" to which I replied "bailing on several years of our lives should be serious." He sounded a lot better than the night he just unloaded in public at the bar last week, but when I brought up depressed feelings he just asserted that it "isn't the worst low" he has ever dealt with. I really think he doesn't want to put in the effort to sustain a connection but that it is because of his anxiety and depression, nonetheless a relationship takes 2. I really don't want to get stuck in a cycle with him forever.

Posted By : Tim Tam - 8/19/2017 2:21 PM
Good to believe you're sticking to what you believe is right, that you two should see a counselor about the relationship, in which this is the 2nd time he's broken up when he has had a depressive episode.

You said, "(I think he is trying to avoid it but I am not going to be convinced it isn't necessary)."

Like a counselor said to me one time, when I was telling her the difficulties of a relationship I was in, "You two are already married."

Meaning, despite my grievances about my girlfriend, I was willing to stay with her and the counselor was saying it was like we were already married and having problems, that I was able to overlook things to stay with her, and that we had been together a long time.

(As for a look at what happened, we did get married, we had the exact same problems in marriage, the marriage was totally ruined, but then I felt forced to stay with her because of my bipolar and difficulty holding a job, and because of a then 3 year old child we had, and a house we were buying, and because she messed up, I was supposed to walk away from all of that.

(Anyway, it didn't work because of the problem that there were before the marriage, so maybe there is a lesson in there for you. Even if he came back to his senses, gave you great explanations, the marriage is not necessarily going to work out any better than the courtship. Didn't in my case.)

You said, "He said "going to a professional is serious" to which I replied "bailing on several years of our lives should be serious."

I think you have a good point.

You said, "I really think he doesn't want to put in the effort to sustain a connection but that it is because of his anxiety and depression, nonetheless a relationship takes 2. I really don't want to get stuck in a cycle with him forever."

You said yesterday, "I asked him to see a counselor with me just once before making decisions and he said he wants to meet to talk tomorrow night after he gets back in town."

So, the meeting is for tonight. Please let us know of any developments.

I think you are strong enough to make it with him or without him.

"You are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul." God speed you on your way.

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/19/2017 4:28 PM
We met to talk and he wouldn't really open up at first. He then said he just didn't see a future with me. I asked him why and at first he trailed off on how he will never be stable on the long term and he didn't want to drag me through his backs and forths. Then he said he just wasn't attracted to me the same way after a couple weeks ago in New Orleans he turned in early and told me to stay out, I came back late and wasted. I don't remember this, but apparently I found him asleep on the couch and woke him up *****ing at him about not sleeping in the bed with me, he said in that moment he just suddenly didn't want to date me anymore.

I told him that people act weird when they are drunk but that it's not like this happens all the time and I was probably venting because he hasn't been staying over and sleeping with me. He said nonetheless it was a side he hadn't seen and it made him lose attraction. I told him he has said and done many weird things he doesn't recall while drunk but that no one holds it against him. I told him that was a drastic conclusion to come to based on that one thing and he reminded me of a time a year ago when we were in New Orleans and I stayed out and my phone died and he was locked out of our airbnb bc I had the key. I had apologized profusely for that and it was an entire year ago.

Nothing else like this has ever happened. I told him that it seemed he was focusing on negatives and looking for reasons to bail but had nothing concrete. I have never broken up with someone and not had really solid reasons I was aware of for why I wasn't into them. He agreed to a counselor session mainly I think to make me accept things but also bc I reminded him he had not given me a solid reason. He said he felt pretty certain he wouldn't be attracted to me again, and I reminded him he said that the last time we were breaking up. Reacting that big over one drunk weird "fight"? Also that was only 2 weeks ago, he stopped staying over several months ago.

Posted By : Tim Tam - 8/19/2017 5:37 PM
You're really into this guy.

When he said, "I asked him why and at first he trailed off on how he will never be stable on the long term and he didn't want to drag me through his backs and forths"

I think there could be something there. He knows there could be more depression in the long haul, and the pressure is going to be on him not to be depressed again.

He knows what his mind is telling him, there could be more depressions in the future, and you're going to be with this woman who is really expecting a lot out of you. And you're going to bring her down, also.

I don't think he wants the day to day pressure of that. He has to perform in front of someone he has failed in front of. He may associate you with his downfall, with his depression, decrease of interest in sex, the bottom falling out of his life with the depression.

Then when he's around you, he's reminded of all of that. I had a mental collapse, a psychotic episode, in class one day with my girlfriend right there. Totally wiped out.

I wasn't really interested after that in continuing the relationship. I was totally embarrassed, totally weak feeling next to her. I didn't want to continue that. It was way too much for me. Plus she reminded me of my downfall, she didn't bring it up, she reminded me of it when I was around her, because she saw it.

I wanted to disassociate from that. In a way. In a way I wanted to stay with her, and thought she would stand by me. She did not. So, I think I could have continued dating her, if she had been the "understanding type," which it turned out she was not.

So, I think it could go either way in a situation like that.

You said, "Also that was only 2 weeks ago, he stopped staying over several months ago."

You also said in your first post, "He was in law school and had dealt with a severe depressive episode a year before we started dating after ending a long relationship and was put on benzodiazepines for anxiety and antidepressants."

So his depression wasn't in the middle of dating, it was before you started dating. I thought his depression had something to do with the breakup, in that, because he was first depressed while dating, he wanted to stop the dating.

So, I don't what that is. I think you're a good person.
Keep doing what you think you ought to do and let us know.

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/20/2017 7:16 AM
His first depressive episode happened a year before we dated, the second happened after we were together for about a year and the 3rd is happening after we have been back together a year and a half. Of course I'm really into this guy, we've spent 2 years of our lives together and he has told me he loved me countless times before just not loving or wanting me anymore... twice. And he hasn't had any real reasoning either time except this one complaint about be being an ****** drunk, which he didn't even talk to me about until now. I don't even think that is the real reason I just think he was looking for a reason and I gave him one in that timing. We will explore this in counseling but I'm pretty sure we are still breaking up.

Posted By : Tim Tam - 8/20/2017 11:49 AM
You are in a difficult situation. I don't handle that well, either. I mean I don't...handle it well.

As a bipolar, I am weak underneath. I don't handle rejection good. It can flip me over into my depressed side.

If it wasn't for the Lithium for my mania, and Mirtazapine for my depression, everybody better look out.

I don't do good in situations like that.

Glad to see you're both going to go to counseling.

How are you holding up with all of this?

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/21/2017 7:37 AM
I guess I am doing pretty well considering. It probably helps that I have already been here with him before and dealt with the rejection, recovered, dated others in between. Now what I'm dealing with more is the uncertainty that comes with this being a repeat incident.

He is saying all the same things verbatim. Somehow, he is still convinced this is how he truly feels and will always feel even though he said that before and changed his mind. That leaves me with either a hope or a false hope that I can't have if I'm going to fully move on. I think that's what I really hope to get out of this counseling session is the extinguishment of that hope if there is no enlightening him on his condition and disposition.

He seems resigned to be unstable and not get into actual therapy to work on his issues and learn the tools to cope with depression. I can't make him want to work on things but maybe this session will make him more comfortable with the idea of therapy for himself. At this point I'm struggling with wanting to be with him and wanting to cut him out of my life forever to keep from committing the same mistakes.

He seems very convinced that he just doesn't love me and isn't attracted to me anymore. I don't feel the sting of rejection as much as I feel the loss of connection which was once very strong between us.

Posted By : Tim Tam - 8/21/2017 12:58 PM
There's a lot of woman stuff there.

I’m not saying it’s bad, but, there’s a lot of woman stuff there.

You said, “I guess I am doing pretty well considering. It probably helps that I have already been here with him before and dealt with the rejection, recovered, dated others in between. Now what I'm dealing with more is the uncertainty that comes with this being a repeat incident.”

“He is saying all the same things verbatim. Somehow, he is still convinced this is how he truly feels and will always feel even though he said that before and changed his mind. That leaves me with either a hope or a false hope that I can't have if I'm going to fully move on. I think that's what I really hope to get out of this counseling session is the extinguishment of that hope if there is no enlightening him on his condition and disposition.”

I think you’re right, you should fight for what you’re deeply into, what you’ve invested so much in. You have a right to your opinion, also. For what you want.

Also, if you win, that will be great. If you don’t, you can always say I gave it the best that I had. You can also say, should he come crawling back months from now, no way. You’ll have this information of how he wears you out with this, and you can say to yourself, no more. Or, you can go back to him, as you choose.

But you’ll have this experience and information of whether you want to put yourself though this again. At some point you’ll have metal fatigue, and not sure if you can handle it.

But it may not be all a waste, for sometimes it could take bad experiences to help us make good decisions.

You say, “That leaves me with either a hope or a false hope that I can't have if I'm going to fully move on.”

And, “At this point I'm struggling with wanting to be with him and wanting to cut him out of my life forever to keep from committing the same mistakes. “

I see a lot of things 50-50, also. Maybe you see things that way. I often don’t see all of one side or all of the other. I often see a balance, and that can lead to indecision.

Which has its merits, and can be a problem. So you’re now on the fence, but edging closer to the away side.

You say, “Now what I'm dealing with more is the uncertainty that comes with this being a repeat incident.”

So, the first time you took him back, you were sure you were doing the right thing. This second time, has you maybe questioning the relationship and yourself, also.

And, “I think that's what I really hope to get out of this counseling session is the extinguishment of that hope if there is no enlightening him on his condition and disposition.”

That’s very good. You are walking into the mouth of the lion, giving him and the relationship and yourself, every chance. Rolling the dice and seeing what they show.

You can’t really make a decision until you do that. You can make half a decision, but you want to make a whole decision. You're also showing a lot of confidence to get near the fire, but not being consumed by it.

You said, “He seems very convinced that he just doesn't love me and isn't attracted to me anymore. I don't feel the sting of rejection as much as I feel the loss of connection which was once very strong between us.”

Loss of connection with him. I’ve had “got treated bad” and still stayed with the girl because I didn’t want to be alone. I married that girl and it was as bad as the courtship, it was the courtship repeated.

Which is what your situation might be. “Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.” But at the same time, the next person might be worse. "Life is drawing without an eraser."

I would keep doing what you are already doing. Just keep getting more and more information until you have enough to make a decision.

There is another female on this forum who was in the same situation and she handled it in short order. In her first recent post she wrote in the entirety:

“so I'm getting divorced from my husband he wanted the divorce not me told me i was a burden and he found someone else he was verbally and emotionally abusive so I'm happy to see my marriage end but sad at the same time making me manic.”

In her 2nd and just recent post in its entirety she wrote:

“thank you i am actiuly glad its ending i was unhappy”

See, eight sentences and out. Wham! Two different types of people.

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/22/2017 7:19 AM
Well in the session the only reasons he could give that have anything to do with me were: I have a strained relationship with my mother (though this pains me a lot and I have struggled to try to have a relationship with her - she is borderline), I get mild road rage (like to the point of saying things out loud, not yelling and certainly not acting out or threatening other drivers), and I got drunk and acted like at ****** that time.

The counselor turned the questioning inwards and eventually told him that he is showing all signs and symptoms of depression and needs to see a psychiatrist about changing his meds (not just another GP) and needs to have regular therapy to work out the underlying causes and how to manage it. I really felt by the end of the session that he realized he was grasping at straws trying to find negative things about me to more easily detach. He agreed to get help and actually thanked me for getting him to go to the counselor.

I think he will probably change his mind about how he feels about me again, but I'm not going to be with him again until/unless he has done the work on himself to prevent going down this road again and has improved his life situation such that it isn't as conducive to depression. As much as it sucks to have to split from him I at least now know it really wasn't me, or us even, but rather him hyperfocusing on negatives to the point of making them much bigger things in his mind. I feel like this ended much better this time because I understand where his head is better, and because he now is more comfortable with the idea of counseling and may actually get the help he needs. Maybe I'll be single and down the road we'll try again, or maybe I'll meet someone else.

Posted By : getting by - 8/22/2017 7:25 AM
I am glad you are keeping options open. You need to get on with YOUR life and be happy.
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Posted By : nourse - 8/22/2017 9:00 AM
I happened to see your post. I am so sorry for all the pain you both are going through.

I respect what others are saying and they may be right. Maybe to weight things out until he gets better. In my experience in life, if someone is consistently unwell AND saying they are not attracted, I would listen. I have waited in relationships for the person to get better...and I personally don't think its healthy.

He needs to get better on his own. (if he'd asked you for your support that'd be different). And I think while its hard, and inconceivable, its time for you to reevaluate your life and start your own healing process. Getting a therapist would be key, and/or a support group.

Also, in all honesty, his drinking bothers me. This is from much experience from people who start relying on drinking as their self medication. That is definitely something he needs to deal with on his own, and I haven't read anywhere in here an addressment of that...but its a key component.

I wish you well. I truly do. And I think the kindest thing you can do for him is to let him go.

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/22/2017 10:10 AM
Thank you for your feedback, it's nice to have more than just one or 2 perspectives. I had told the counselor ahead of time about the alcohol abuse so he eventually worked it into the discussion and addressed that it needed to stop if he wanted to be well, because alcohol abuse is emotionally detrimental to those without depression so when combined with depression, anxiety, and SSRIs it's much worse. That is definitely something he acknowledged needing to work on in his own time.

He has said he wasn't attracted to me anymore before, the last time we broke up when he was in a state of depression for about 6 months. When he was well again, he told me he had loved me all along and was more attracted to me than anyone else before or since. He said at the time we actually got back together that he recognized his mind had been under the influence of anxiety and depression before and he had not been thinking clearly. I asked him why he thought the same wouldn't happen again and he said he had a "better handle on things" and would work on it next time instead of jumping ship. Easy to say when well, harder in practice when ill. I think the primary error then was his thinking he didn't need help to manage his depression beyond just upping his meds.

I agree I shouldn't just wait for him forever, I didn't the first time and I won't now. I had 2 relationships in the time we were last broken up.

Posted By : jeanneac - 8/22/2017 3:58 PM
Good luck to you Kitty. You sound like a very nice, caring person and deserve a happy relationship. Life is short, you are young.
Sjogrens syndrome 2/15 via lip biopsy: Seronegative RA , fibromyalgia
colitis-resection 11/10, hashimoto's thyroiditis, morphea, GERD
Meds: plaquenil, synthroid, Januvia, nexium, restasis, estrogen patch, prometrium, VSL #3, evening primrose oil, Omega 3 supplement-Maxi Tears.

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/25/2017 11:13 AM
Any other insight? The more the better, as it helps to have other perspectives when processing this. I may have it together pretty well but it's still hard. I keep going back and forth between certainty that this is just like the last time and that if he works on himself and gets well again he will want to try again, and questioning whether this only keeps happening because he never really loved me to begin with and doesn't find me attractive as a person.

How can my strained relationship with my mother, which I rarely talk about and which isn't anything new, scare him (his words) or affect his attraction to me? How can saying what I feel while driving out loud not even raising my voice (also not new) be something so serious to him that he loses attraction to me? How can one drunk expression of emotion be enough to end a long term relationship?

I also don't feel like we discussed enough in counseling the fact that he just stopped staying over at my place several months ago but whenever I brought it up he said he was feeling depressed but did NOT want to break up. I mentioned this several times in the session but we would get off the topic quickly and never really discussed it in depth. I find myself thinking now of so many things that should have been discussed then. It's hard to move on when you don't know what is or isn't coming from the depression truly.

Posted By : getting by - 8/25/2017 12:03 PM
Even though he has depression, it is still his feelings. Depression may exaggerate them, but he is still feeling not attracted to you and still wanting the break up. Just don't put too much into this. It really is what it is. It is still his words.

You do deserve a happy relationship. .But I don't think you are going to get it with this man. How many times will he not take care of his depression and decide he doesn't want the relationship. I just see a lot of heart ache with this guy. I don't think you deserve that. You are too kind of a person. You deserve to be happy.

Take care of you. Focus on you. Forget about him for awhile, I think it will work itself out. I think you need to go forward. Be happy. Find some things that you like to do and do them.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Posted By : nourse - 8/25/2017 4:54 PM
Well, i've already stated my opinion, and thats all it is, my opinion. We each have our own journeys to navigate in life, and my philosophy is try to use everything for a learning and growth experience for YOURSELF.

I hear you, and I do the same a lot myself. Wondering what if, and getting in the other persons space trying to figure them out...however I've learned the hard way while this is natural, to a point, its not productive. All you have ultimately is you, and whats in your head and space. Perhaps the need to identify more with what your needs are, and think less, or not at all, about what his needs are. He is a grown up...thats his responsibility, not yours.

I haven't gone back and re-read your posts. I strongly think a good focus for you would be individual therapy, and again, not focusing on him, and therapy with him. Hey, if after working on yourself...years down the road he calls you, and wants to restart, then I would approach it with....'a lot of water under the bridge...lets go in and do some counseling sessions together to see if this for real"...or something like that.

I know your looking for other feedback so I'll butt out. The bottom line is it can be really hard to let go, the feeling of rejection is very hard for anyone, have a lot of compassion and exercise a lot of self care, and get support for yourself....you will start feeling better once you've done that. I wish you well!!

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/26/2017 9:01 AM
Thanks, and don't think that I don't appreciate your opinions as well I just hoped for a larger amount of perspectives that's all. I realize there isn't really an alternative here because he made a choice and feels how he feels right now. I think that was easier to accept the first time because there wasn't a precedent of him coming back and saying he loved me again.

Posted By : getting by - 8/26/2017 9:35 AM
There really isn't a lot of perspectives in this situation. Either you hang in there for him, or you get on with your life. And either he means what he says or he says it because of depression. But in my opinion, the depression doesn't change how we think that much. You look at the negatives it creates. But when he is saying these same things over and over, it pretty much shows how he feels at this time. Not saying he wouldn't change his mind in time, but that could be a long wait.

I think that the best thing you can do is work on you and if it works out it does, if it doesn't you will still be moving forward. Please think of yourself in this situation. How much hurt are you going to take? I think you are far better than that. There are many other men in this world. One who would treat you kindly is a good thing. Just keep hanging in there and don't give up hope for a good life.

I hope that things get better for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Posted By : getting by - 8/28/2017 3:36 PM
Kitty,

I get the feeling you feel down about the whole situation. Know that this time is for you too. To get stronger, more independent thinking, and to love yourself. Know we all care about here. I don't want to see you waiting on him to live your life. To be wondering what his next move will be, how he will feel about you. I want you to be strong, smart and beautiful which I know you already are. Hang in there, but move forward as much as possible. You are a wonderful person and I want you to shine!

Please post so we can know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Posted By : KittyJ - 8/31/2017 1:32 PM
Hi Karen and thanks. I am doing pretty well considering. I haven't stopped doing my regular things like my trivia group on Wednesdays and karaoke the other night. It will be hard for awhile I think because we go out to the same places and so do our separate and mutual friend groups. I have avoided the ones he frequents most.

I have done a lot of reflecting on everything that has been said and done and I really do believe he would have done this no matter who he was with. I refuse to live in turmoil and hate that he seems to be living that way. I wrote and mailed him a letter once again imploring him to seek counseling, telling him about some of his good qualities that make him worthy of finding happiness in his life, and wishing him well. I told him I do not want a response of any kind, I am done.

After mailing the letter I really felt a sense of closure. I have done all I can do to support this person and the rest is up to him. You can lead the horse to water... I am responsible for no one's happiness but my own.

Posted By : getting by - 8/31/2017 1:47 PM
I am happy you found closure, I think you are doing the right things. I am glad you are keeping up with regular things. That means you are still moving on and living life for you. It gets hard in situations when you forget where one person stops and the other one starts. But you are doing good...

I do think he is living in turmoil. Until he gets a grip on his depression, he will be. It is hard to watch somebody who isn't helping themselves. But like you said, you can only do so much and the rest is up to him.

I think that the letter was good for both of you. I hope he takes it to heart. You sound like a very caring person Kitty, And you deserve to be happy. And you are right, we are responsible for no one's happiness but our own. That alone can be hard... We will all have our bumps in the road.

Thanks for posting. It sounds like you are doing good. I know it isn't easy. But you are trying, it will take you a far ways.

Have a happy Labor Day weekend. I can't believe it will be September tomorrow...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Posted By : KittyJ - 9/5/2017 2:53 PM
I am still just going about my life and not contacting him anymore. I joined 2 fantasy football leagues to add to my extracurricular social activities. Now only time will tell if he gets real help or if I meet someone new.

Post Edited (KittyJ) : 9/20/2017 3:23:14 PM (GMT-6)


Posted By : KittyJ - 9/20/2017 3:47 PM
We have had some light friendly communication. We have talked about a movie that's out and a song I wrote, nothing about the relationship as that is over and I have processed it. I have started spending time again with a guy I have a lot of history with that doesn't have any expectations of me and it has been good.

I have resolved to be a friend to my ex since I no longer have an agenda to get him back in a romantic way. I just don't feel that I should turn my back on him when he is having a rough time just because he doesn't want a romantic relationship. He hardly has any friends here anymore (zero close friends aside from his sister) so I want to at least be an option to him if he needs an ear. I will not be an option for anything more again though. I feel good about this new chapter and exploring my dating options with other more stable men.

Really the only reason I am posting an update now is because I was reminded by a friend that is going through her own sudden breakup with a person who suffer's from mental illness just how much it helps to read about how others are coping or have coped with such a situation.

It gets better with time, and that amount of time varies from person to person and circumstance to circumstance. Sometimes it gets better and you get back together, sometimes it gets better when you cut the person out of your life in all ways completely and permanently, and sometimes it gets better and you find the strength to build a friendship on the ashes of your previous relationship.

You should always put yourself and your wellbeing first and go the path that is least destructive to you emotionally. If you can't let go of resentment and bitterness when you think of or talk to your ex then don't communicate with the person at all. You may think you can and find you really can't in practice and that's ok, just walk away when you realize it's hurting you to stay. I think the only reason I have gotten to this mindset about him is because of all the self work, processing, and healing I did after the last time he did this.

Posted By : Tim Tam - 9/20/2017 4:32 PM
What was your song about?

Posted By : KittyJ - 9/20/2017 5:48 PM
My song was mainly about accepting not being able to undo what has been done in your past, cherishing good memories while moving on and exploring life as it comes. He liked it a lot and so did the other musicians I have played it for. Will be developing it in band practice Sunday.

Posted By : getting by - 9/20/2017 6:46 PM
Awesome KittyJ...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Posted By : Tim Tam - 9/20/2017 8:41 PM
Very good.

That may have helped you turn a negative into a positive.

Pretty good.

Do you play that song on a piano, or a guitar, or are you the singer?

It sounds like you wrote the lyrics, did you write the music?

Sounds like you did. I would guess you would have to play it on a piano or a guitar, to come up with the tune. Is that how you did that?

And then match the lyrics and the tune?

Awesome.

Sounds like it comes from the heart and the soul.

You can almost hear it as you describe it:

"Accept(ing) not being able to undo what has been done in your past,

"cherish(ing) good memories while moving on

"and explore(ing) life as it comes."

Have you written other songs? Do you sing with a band?

You're very verbal and descriptive, soulful and deep feeling, which sounds like it would help you in writing songs.

You feel things very deeply, don't you? You take defeat to heart, don't you?

What, "If music be the food for love, play on." Or to help overcome heartbreak.

You said, "He liked it a lot and so did the other musicians I have played it for. Will be developing it in band practice Sunday."

Talk about bouncing back. Congratulations. You are contributing to art, and your art may be helping to save you, and others. Your response really helped me.

Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 9/20/2017 8:53:55 PM (GMT-6)


Posted By : KittyJ - 9/29/2017 1:37 PM
Hey! Sorry for the delayed response, but yes I wrote the lyrics and music. I've been writing music all my life for as long as I can remember, and have had several bands over the years. I just recently formed a new one when the drummer from my previous group moved back. I play guitar and piano and sing lead vocals. I am primarily rhythm guitar over keys these days but I phase in and out of both.

Posted By : getting by - 9/29/2017 2:36 PM
That is awesome KittyJ!
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

©1996-2017 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer