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Posted By : fadedaway - 8/16/2017 1:06 PM
I (33) met a great guy (31) online about 6 months ago and officially started dating him around 5 months ago. At first things were amazing... we share an emotional intimacy I've never experienced before; the sex was great, we went on vacations together, shows, bike rides, etc.

about 2 months ago his personality changed. He started a new job 4 months ago, prior to which he said he was "the happiest he's been in years." To keep things short, he currently: hates his job, hates where we live, and feels completely disconnected from life.

The topic of love came up recently where he admitted that after the tragic loss of his parents 6 years ago and being cheated on by every woman he's loved, that he's not sure he's capable of receiving or giving love anymore. He said I'm the first person outside of his therapist that he's ever opened up to about this, and that he doesn't know what to do. He texted me a very long note this morning and said "I hate that I've hurt you and I hate that I have gone and ruined another 2-5 month relationship." I of course wrote back in kind with a long verbose statement to which he never replied. I personally don't know why he's so hung up on love at the 5 month mark... it's only 5 months! Love takes time to develop.

We have plans to get together Friday and talk, at which point I think he will likely end things. Is this a lost cause? Should I let him go when he suggests it or at least attempt talking to him to try and understand his feelings? I fear he's self sabotaging this relationship because he wants to avoid pain himself, and of course my natural instinct is to desperately try to teach him that I'm not like his ex girlfriends..

I'm just so lost. I know it's only been 5 months but I already have a stronger emotional bond with him than I did with my ex of over a year, so it's very hard for me to envision giving him up.

Also, this is a silly question - I have a key to his house and asked him today if he minded if I grabbed his dogs and took them for a walk (he works long hours and his dogs are neglected). His response was "knock yourself out," which is VERY curt for him... should I leave the dogs be? I'm thinking maybe I'm being too "motherly," and it's pissing him off.

Thank you.

EDIT: I just thought I'd update. After a series of failed attempts to discuss our relationship (we usually just ended up going along like everything was normal) I finally ended things with him, for my own sake. I was neglecting my mental well being and it was taking a toll on everything. I really appreciated the opinions and advice laid out here. It was a difficult experience for me, but I have learned from it.

Many of you will disagree with this but I have decided to remain in contact with him as a friend. I am dogsitting his dogs in a month, which had already been formally agreed on before the breakup, and I'm going to stand by that decision. He'll be paying me, now, so it's not necessarily me doing him a favor.

He is a person I connected with on a very intimate level and although I know we cannot be in a romantic relationship, I would like to remain his friend. Thanks again!

Post Edited (fadedaway) : 9/1/2017 8:26:16 AM (GMT-6)

Posted By : pitmom - 8/17/2017 8:40 AM
Expectations are nothing more than 'premeditated resentments'.

You say 'Love takes time to devolop' and then you say 'I already have a stronger emotional bond with him than I did with my ex of over a year', so which is it?

In my experience (I'm 56), everyone is on their best behavior for the first couple of months. The endorphins and hormones are running at full tilt. That's hard to maintain.

Most of my 'relationships' would fizzle out at about the 8 month mark. After repeating the pattern a few times, I found myself either having great anxiety as that time period approached or...and I hate to admit it...I would bring it about myself! Self fulfilling prophecy!

It sounds strange, but I sort of became 'addicted' to the situation. Affirming that no one would want me, that I didn't deserve that kind of happiness, etc. I found that it was about control. Just as a bulimic or a self mutilater would use their behaviors for 'control', I would self sabotage.

My present relationship has lasted 13 years! It isn't all 'peaches and cream', to be sure! We do not live together as we both have responsibilities that prevent that forward move for now. This may be why we've lasted so long!

If this fellow is not the one for you, at least you've learned something about yourself from the time you've been involved. Relationships are tenuous at best. We are the sum total of our experiences. We all have 'baggage'. Everyone needs to unpack!
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Posted By : NiceCupOfTea - 8/17/2017 9:01 AM
"I hate that I've hurt you and I hate that I have gone and ruined another 2-5 month relationship."

How many 2-5 month relationships has he had?

Also, nobody's personality 'changes' that dramatically. Even if a life-changing event occurs (good or bad), people tend to revert to their baseline personality once they have acclimatised to the change. Your boyfriend has just revealed another facet of his personality that wasn't obvious while things were still brand new and hunky dory. I'd heed the warning signs and let him break up with you, because in the long run it will probably be a lucky escape for you.
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Posted By : BnotAfraid - 8/17/2017 1:43 PM
Welcome to the forum.

When we depend on other people for our happiness life becomes difficult and anxiety ridden.

Working on Self-love and Self-compassion [this takes time and work] helps us realize that we are more that someone else's companion.

Our self-worth increases, independence grows and once your know that you ARE a lovable and living person, a relationship happens on its own, it is own time

Drama in the beginning of a relationship is never good.

Moderator - Depression

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Posted By : fadedaway - 9/1/2017 8:26 AM
Thank you everyone for your advice. smile

Posted By : getting by - 9/1/2017 10:35 AM
There is nothing wrong with remaining friends. Sometimes a friendship is better than a romantic relationship. Some people can and some can't. Just know where to draw the line.

I wish you the best.

Hugs, Karen...

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

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