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Posted By : pitmom - 9/21/2017 5:32 AM
I am so frustrated. As most of you know, my adult daughter and her son live with me. They moved back in with me 'temporarily'...5 years ago!

Since then, daughter was finally diagnosed with Cushing's disease, had surgery to remove the tumor causing it, has not 'bounced back' and has had other health issues including carpal tunnel surgery and now has a diagnosis of cubital tunnel syndrome in her dominant arm.

My grandson, 16, is 'home schooled'. Which, unfortunately means he spends his days and nights playing on his x-box and phone. I fear for his future.

So, here I am, chronic pain patient, depressed, being left more often than not with all of the household responsibilities. Paying the rent out of my SSD check, paying the other bills out of what little is left and my tiny workers comp checks. Caring, almost exclusively for all 9 pets...feeding them, exercising them, taking them to the vet, cleaning up after them...the yard, the litter boxes.

I went to bed at 7:30 last night! Translation...I hid in my room to force them to finish the day as far as letting the dogs out for their last potty call of the night.

I try to have sympathy for my daughters' health issues but it's hard. I've had so many surgeries I've lost count. I have chronic pain. Somehow, she thinks this new diagnosis entitles her to just stay in bed all day and it ticks me off!

Yesterday, she told my grandson to take the recycling out as we were due for pick up. So, he takes the bag out and drops it on the road, next to the empty bin! Apparently, pick up had already been through! I have a deck box that I put the bags in until pick up day! I asked him this morning "Didn't you see that it had already been picked up?" He shrugged and said "I wasn't paying attention."

I reaching my saturation point. Am I being selfish to want them to pitch in more? To take care of the 5 animals they brought in to my house and not leave all the extra work for me? I'm at the edge of the rabbit hole.

Posted By : getting by - 9/21/2017 6:27 AM
You are NOT being selfish Pitmom...

Change the situation you are in. There should be sharing with responsibility especially when the animals are theirs too. The grandson should have some chores too.

I hope that things work out, only you can change things. You deserve a good life...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Posted By : theHTreturns... - 9/21/2017 7:38 AM
it will just get worse if ya don't show some tough love. healing thoughts.

Posted By : NiceCupOfTea - 9/21/2017 10:04 AM
Yeah, you need to start getting more ruthless. If they brought 5 animals to your house and aren't looking after them, then those animals need to be found new homes. It's not just not fair on you, it's not fair on the animals either.

It's hard to make people do tasks that they don't want to do and even harder to make them do a good job instead of a half-assed one. Instead of trying to get them to do more stuff, I think it would be a lot easier if you simply did less. Don't do their laundry, don't cook for them, etc. They are both old enough to be doing this sort of stuff for themselves, and should be doing so.

The grandson's lack of schooling should also be addressed, but it doesn't sound like anyone is motivated to tackle that. What are his thoughts about going back to school? He's not being 'home-schooled' if he isn't doing any studying.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

Posted By : BnotAfraid - 9/21/2017 11:46 AM
Pitmom,

I agree with everyone.. Just because you are a parent does not mean your children ought to take advantage of you.

May I suggest a family meeting. I am going to list items that someone in my support group presented to their 2 children, in the same situation. You would be surprised at how many people have this same issue, honestly, I am not kiddlng.

So this person, a woman with her own issues not unlike you, had 3 meetings total to re-enforce that she was serious, each meeting produced more results.. in the end, the children and one grandchild all got jobs and moved out, to many rules! So best results for you might be grandson getting a part time job, since he is old enough.

So here are the terms this woman put out:

Grandchild- 5 hours of studying a day, she reviews what he is studying

Child/parent of GC; Follows your rules of the house, shares chores[ she can use her not dominant hand] too much pain [you live with chronic pain] empathize but be firm

GC gets a part time job to help with the bills, he is old enough and needs to learn about money, checking account etc. 16hrs a week.

Be responsible for their animals.

Daughter apply for disability, advocate for herself or get and Soc Sec lawyer.

Pitman, I know this is not easy. With you chronic pain, you probably just want to disappear.
However, you ARE a strong person, I have seen this work with people that were so scared they were bawling in group. but they eventually found the love for their children and self-compassion for themselves to do this.

The alternative for them is they must move out. This I suppose is the hardest part to stand by.
Once they know you are serious, things change.

I wish you strength, courage and peace of mind.
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Posted By : pitmom - 9/21/2017 1:19 PM
Thanks everyone.

Family meeting with mandates sounds like a good idea.

Since I am the one paying the rent, I'm considering send her a certified letter with a 'notice to cease', following the legal rules for eviction.
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, multiple wrist surgeries, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cysts, whiplash, bursitis of hips, grade 5 right shoulder separation and torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

Posted By : straydog - 9/21/2017 2:11 PM
PM, I would take this a step further & give each of them a list of their responsibilities at the meeting. That way neither can come back & say well you never told me I was to do this or that. Yes, its sad that you have to resort to this, but you are being taken advantage of by your daughter. Her son see's how she does things, so he does what he see's his mother do. I know your daughter was driving a school bus I think last year. She needs to be chipping in on rent & food. HT is absolutely right about tough love.

Good luck.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

Posted By : F27 - 9/21/2017 5:14 PM
Be careful Pitmom, and be prepared for a sub-optimal outcome. I wouldn't go legal yet - that's the "nuclear" option, and is likely to do significant damage to your relationship.

Choose your words and phrases carefully. You don't want to escalate this to the point where you put your daughter on the defensive. Don't be accusatory, and keep the conversation focused on how her behaviour makes you feel. Saying "I need help, I can't keep up this pace anymore." is constructive, and will allow the conversation to continue, whereas saying "You're a layabout and I need you to start pulling your weight" will probably cause your daughter to shut down.

Your daughter is not going to simply sit back and take this. She's going to kick and scream and fight and pout (or whatever the equivalent of all that is in your family); this could become nasty. Don't lose your cool, and keep your head in the game. Remember - from her perspective she's potentially losing her meal-ticket for both her and her son.

Put the family meeting off for a few weeks. By all means do it, because it has to be done, but get yourself in a place where you can approach the situation with a clear head, and a good game plan.

Posted By : NiceCupOfTea - 9/21/2017 7:21 PM
I agree with F27 about not going down the legal route. That really does sound like a recipe for disaster and bad feelings all round.

He also has some good tips on how to talk to your daughter. Even if she is a layabout, she won't respond well to insults, threats and nagging - virtually nobody does. You must be pretty desperate if you're considering taking legal action, so it's time to be honest about how you can't cope anymore. Your daughter is not the only sick person in the household and if she doesn't realise the effect she and her son are having on you, she needs to learn.

And I still think the pets need to go. Your daughter shouldn't keep pets if she can't look after them - that's one of my bugbears. And you shouldn't be looking after your daughter's pets on top of your own.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

Posted By : theHTreturns... - 9/21/2017 8:07 PM
you get soft pitmom and ya screwed. what has happened with my mums situation highlights this......more severe, but this is the exact method of it's birth my friend. back in my day i copped the electric cord and 2 hours of squats. not advocating this, but young people got it too easy and manipulate big time. just a friendly heads up. don't wait weeks, i disagree.....rules and boundaries...my friend. you parent, they under your roof. this is the crux.

Posted By : PA_grandma - 9/22/2017 6:09 AM
Pitmom..NO, you are NOT selfish!

.I had no idea about the situation you faced until I read your post this morning.
It certainly makes my life seem like a bowl of cherries in comparison.

I have absolutely no suggestions...except for you to acknowledge things MUST change and to absorb and consider all the recommendations from others here on this forum.

Please know we care...and worry.

~ Joyce

Posted By : pitmom - 9/22/2017 6:47 AM
First, let me say thank you again. Over time, I feel that you all have become my friends. Your input is invaluable to me.

One of the reasons I am considering 'eviction' proceedings is that while I provide shelter for the two of them, they are not eligible for any housing programs. They must be 'homeless'.

I've talked calmly, I've written letters, I've lost my cool and screamed like a banshee...all to no avail.

Hints, suggestions, outright orders have failed to have an impact on either of them.

As for the pets, as I've mentioned on another thread, the dogs are a bonded sibling pair and cannot be separated. It would be disasterous for me to have Micah whining and barking if she were left alone. I live in a trailer park that would prefer dogs no more than 35 lbs and discourages ownership of this breed. Management leaves me alone because I know the Fair Housing Act law on Service Animals. Each dog was documented into separate households at the time they were acquired. When my daughter 'lost' her home and moved back here, the 'one dog per household' rule had to be waived in our case as she had no place else to go. Tyson is her Emotional Support Animal and Micah is mine. Five years together now and separation is nightmarish even for a vet visit.

The cats are a bit of a different story. Originally feral kittens, we have managed to 'domesticate' them quite well but they are all indoor/outdoor and know their territory well. It would break my heart to see them caged at a shelter, waiting for a forever home that may never come.

The care of the pets themselves is not the issue...their LEAVING IT ALL TO ME while they are HERE is. She was considering moving across the country, to Seattle where there is a facility that specializes in Cushing's disease. In that case, I would have gladly accepted total responsibility for the animals.

In that case, I would have only the dishes I used to wash. Only myself to clean up after. I'd go through less paper plates, tissues, toilet paper, etc.

I do NOT do their laundry. However, we do use different detergents and dryer sheets and if they weren't here there would be more storage space for those type of supplies.

Winter is coming. We live in a 10x55 mobile home with only 2 bedrooms. My garden is my 'extra living space' but in cold weather I am confined to indoors. I dread the cold and being stuck in the house with two people that, while I love them dearly, I am resenting more and more each day is just more than I can handle today.
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, multiple wrist surgeries, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cysts, whiplash, bursitis of hips, grade 5 right shoulder separation and torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

Posted By : F27 - 9/22/2017 1:40 PM
Sounds like you have a good game plan, Pitmom. Hope you can get things straightened away soon!

Posted By : wearyRAsufferer - 9/22/2017 6:32 PM
Sigh
I feel your pain- you're in my prayers

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