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Posted By : QTKaren - 7/25/2008 1:05 PM
I guess I still dont get this whole fibro thing.  I did wait until I had sceamed at the cat and bird and kicked a few things and cried and letting my pain meds kick in with a hot cup of coffee to calm me down before writing though so I wont rip your eyes out with my out of control venting again.  I have had my body stressed with the edema thing but that was an offshoot from overdoing to begin with.  Always pushing myself way past what I would if it was just me I was concerned with.  I tried talking to my mom last night but its like beating a dead cat.  I have been careful not to get too emotional with her and havenot got into a yelling match for some time as this only makes me feel horrible mentally but makes all my muscles feel like I am on some mid evil torture rack.
I was telling her last night that she has got to do more for herself as there is no physical reason why she cant be helping more and she said"if I would have known you were in that much pain yesterday then I would have never asked you to go to the store for me too".  I said ,mom I told you at least 5 times that I needed to get home to rest my legs (by then they looked like sausages again) and that I was hurting and wanted to just get out of her house and get back.  (she is aweful about taking forever to make up her mind and very unorganized in every
aspect of her life)but she kept thinking of just one more thing so it took literaly an hour to get out her door and on to the store.  So after bringing up the fact that I had told her I was hurting and wanted to go home she says"ya but you never said no"???????? I was like what the hell? she knows I am in pain but wants what she wants and it doesnt matter at what cost to me?
I asked her if she ever got her shower that she didnt get to the day before and she said um no she just didnt get to it was in a funk got a slow start the cat was bugging her she had to make a phone call(one phone call in a 24 hour period) and the excuses go on forever.  I asked if she ever got to the store to get her milk? she said um no I never got in the shower and couldnt go like that,did she ever do her dishes? um no but 1st thing tomorrow and when I last spoke to her it was 10pm and she was just now getting dinner.  Even if I talk to her in a calm voice she still eventually gets angry with my questions and strikes out with" I dont have to answer to anyone and I can relax and take my time" blah blah but I told her evryone has to answer to someone and she is expected to do the normal day to day things that keep her healthy and safe.  My mom is the biggest stresser in my life and has been for many years.  I told her last night that I was done.  Done breaking my back for her and killing myself for her when she cant even try just a little but for me.  I told her she was a selfish woman and that if she was so stubborn to admit that she has a serious problem and try an anti depressant if not for her but for her family that I was not going to ride her back anymore but when her world comes falling down that I will not be the one guilty of not caring enough.
I hung up the phone with her feeling so broken and sad I just cried.  I have tried so hard.  I spent all day yesterday just staying at home,not running any errands and resting my legs.  I was up earlier this morning and my joints were hurting a lot but other then that and being tired I felt OK but after going back to bed for a few hours I woke up about an hour
ago with my body screaming in pain.  My back hurt so bad it felt like someone had hit me with a 2x4 and all my muscles were contracting,I had a horried headache and my legs ached and it hurt so much to even take a step on my feet that that were burning with pain.  I encountered the cat and the bird on my way to getting my pain meds and of course spilled the hot coffee on my hand and then took a look around at the house and what one day of liesure had done to it and lost it.  The really hard thing is that I have my grandson coming to spend the night with me.  It was something set up last week and I had forgot to call my daughter and let her know that this week wasnt turning out so well so she set all her plans with him being here.
I have plans set tomorrow with my brother to take Jakob and his grandson down to the beach for lunch and play and I am so overwelmed right now trying to figure out how to pull this off.  There are too many things in motion to back out now,my daughter even has a nurse scheduled to take care of my granddaughter while her and her hubby are away for the night and the other kids are already set to be out as well.  I guess I will just get in the shower(maybe getting cleaned up will lift my mood and make my body feel better) and hope for the best.  I will call Jay at workand let him know that things are hard right now and I need his help getting the house cleaned up and as for dinner its take out tonight.  As busy as I am I thought that taking one day of down time would make all the difference pain wise but I sure got a surprise that who knows why a flare comes on sometimes at all?  the only thing I can think of is stress and not sleeping well put me over the edge.  Trying for more sleep is out of the question at this late time though so hopefully the coffee will help and thank God I have enough pain meds to take a lil extra today.  All I know is I am screening my calls the rest of the day and mom can just wait unless she is dying.  Just not sure what we will walk into tomorrow as she was supposed to go with us to the beach but I know darn well that she has forgot and wont be ready. I do know that we arent waiting for her,that would blow the whole day as my daughter is picking Jake up at 5pm and there is no extra time to wait on my mom.
Oh well I have told her to write things down if she cant remember it later,I do so what makes her not have to?  I will call my brother tonight and if he wants to he can deal with her.  Well wish me luck later.  I want Jakob to have a good visit he has waited patiently for a long time to spend the night with gramma.

Mom of one gramma to 4
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x2,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,nerve damage due to tailbone removel,nerve damage due to fractured back,deppresion,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain

Posted By : getting by - 7/26/2008 7:07 AM
Hi Karen,

There is this word that you need to learn to use. It is called "NO". Unitl you start slowing down, you are going to be in pain. The swelling in your legs isn't going to go down. This is not healthy for you. You might have to cut back on a lot of the things that you do and learn to pace yourself.

Make a list of the things that you need to do and go by what is most important. Sometimes you have to give up some of the things that you want to do and do them on a day that you feel better.

But until you learn to prioritise (sp), you are going to be in pain. Take it slower. Only do what is absolutely necessary. Give yourself some rest time and be careful of taking too many pain meds. You build up a tolerance and your regular dose wont help you anymore.

Best wishes to you, I hope that you feel better.


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Posted By : Meggie - 7/26/2008 7:40 AM


Learning to say "no" is very good advice.  I'm still trying to learn that myself.  Like you I have been doing more than I should and feeling it later.  The guilt of letting my family down is just to much some days and I over extend myself.  Sometimes knowing what is coming helps me to plan for my days.  I am in birthday celebration for the next month, all of my daughters have summer birthdays.  The running around and extra kids in the house can leave me exhausted and I hate to have people over when the house is not clean (which is most of the time).  I can't say no to my kids for the basics.  They deserve a birthday celebration and they would be crushed if mom was not a part of it.  I'm praying for nice weather on Aug 2 because we are having a big family birthday party (I'm hoping to have it at the park) and the thought of having 30 people in my house (small house) stresses me out. Oops, I've gotten carried away.  I guess what I was starting to say was, take care of yourself first because you will be no good to anyone if your in pain.  Think of the grand babies, you will enjoy them more if you take care of yourself!  We will always be here for you to vent too!  We know that you love your family, we have all been there.

I hope you feel better soon!!


Posted By : QTKaren - 7/26/2008 10:37 AM
If you guys knew me in "real" life so they call it this is slowing down. I am trying.  I called my mom yesterday and told her that as far as laundry goes if she hasnt put way the clothes from the last load I did then I will not take any new dirty cothes with me.  I told her as far as her house goes that fi she cant keept the kitchen clean that I willnot vaccuum or dust until the kitchen is cleaned.  If she wants me to help,helping is not doingit all .  Its her life and her house and she has got to make some effort.  I toldher I will no longer be reminding her if upcoming events such as birthday parties,in the past it was always me that had to rush myself to make sure mom was on time and ready.  I will write it on her calender and if she cant look at it and be ready when we come to pick her up she will be left behind and as for the store I will go occasionaly but she needs to be walking anyways and there is no reason why she cant take her walker and go to the store for small items and when I do go for her she will already have a list ready for me,no more standing around for and hour while she makes up her mind.
It is very hard to change a lifetime of habits and even harder now that my mom is old and frail but I do know her limits and what she can and cant handle and she has never pulled her weight as far asfamily goes and I am sik of it.  I told my brother yesterday that if he gets there on his reg saturday visits with me and the kitchen is dirty then he can clean it or I am going home and he can help her with tasks when he is there.  He makes this big speach about how he travels so far and the price of gas and I told him I have always apprieciated that effort but I cant do this all on my own anymore and it is his mother too and I dealw ith her all week so his precious saturdays where he wants to get high on narcotics and act like the good son and just hang out is over.
As it is my older brother Steve decided at the last minute that he would come along with Randy today.  Steve visits maybe every 3-4 months if we're lucky and he always hitches a ride with Randy.  Wellwith Randy allowing Steve to come today that meant there wasnt enough room for everyone in his car to go to the beach as planned.  Randy wanted me to call my mother and tell her there wasnt enough room for her anymore,as usual put it on me and I said no if he wanted to do that he calls her not me.  So then he had this glorious idea of we could just buckle the kids in one seat and I said omggggggg absolutely not!!! I was not risking my grandsons life by doing something unsafe so then he goes well I guess we cant go and I was mad.  He of course was laughing because he was stoned on pot when he called and couldnt understand why telling a little boy that what his gramma had promised wasnt going to happen.  I had set up Jakobs ovrnight visit to go to the beach and now I would have to tell him no.
Randy started in whith his" well I drive out there all the time and I make it to birthday parties like that is supposed to make it alright so I just told him forget it.  I would check buses and take all my grandkids to the beach myself and hung up.  Then I had to call Jakob and give him the bad news.  He started to cry and I told him I was sorry( you have no idea how badly I did not want to tell him) and I gave him the option of not coming if he didnt want to since we werernt going.  He said he loved me and still wanted to spend the night and hang out with me today,I told him I would fill the pool I have for the kids so he could play in it and he was happy again.  It turned out that after I got my shower yesterday and took it kinda slow doing some chores and getting ready for Jake I did ok and we had a nice night with Jays help. 
As for the extra pain meds I was talking about just one half of a vicodin.  I stick pretty close to my reg doses and if I need a lil extra,if it is going to be the difference between being in pain allday then I do take extra once in awhile and just have to cut a dose somewhere else.  And I still every other month take a drug "holiday" where I cut my doses back on purpose for a week to re-set my tolerence levels or there is no way I could have stayed at the same doses for this last 5 years !!!! I cant get into a pain clinic to change my meds even though my doctor wants me too,noone will take my insurance and all he can do is write for what I had set years ago.  Believe me there have been a few times where my pain was insanely high and if not for taking a lil extra I would have lost my mind but I am in control of the dosing and it works out. 
It has helped me immensly to talk to everyone here and being a part of of this fibro family has ben a God send.  Well Randy just pulled up and I got to go to but I promise to take it easy and if there is any swelling in my legs I willput them up and rest.  Everyone have a good day.
Soft Hug's,

Mom of one gramma to 4
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x2,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,nerve damage due to tailbone removel,nerve damage due to fractured back,deppresion,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain

Posted By : getting by - 7/26/2008 1:55 PM

Hi Karen,

I am glad that you put your foot down.  Now if you can stick with that you will have it made.  You do have to pace yourself.  I think that all of us were at one time used to doing a whole lot more then we could after fibro.  It is like a grief period when you finally realize that you can't do that anymore.  It is hard as heck to slow down. 

I am so happy that you decided to make the others pitch in to help your mom.  And it is good that you make some guidelines as to having her ready when it is time to go.  Does she live alone?  There might be a time when she has to have some inhome help.  There are programs that assist seniors and that would help you a lot.  You have a lot with your own home plus taking care of your mom, though I know that you love her and probably wouldn't have it any other way.

It is good you take a medication holiday.  I take norco, four times a day.  So far I haven't had a problem with building a tolerance, but if I can go without taking them I do.  It makes them seem to work well when I need them.

I hope that you stick to your new method of trying to get some of that work off of your shoulders.  You do need to pace yourself and keep your feet elevated when you can.  Do they swell up often?  What did the doctor say about it?

Hugs, Karen

  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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