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Posted By : TheYoungerDaughter - 11/2/2016 4:31 PM
My Dad, who was patriarch of our family for many many years - has loved us all well - has provided for many of us - has had Alzheimers for 3 years, and he has good days and bad days. Short term memory not great, but long term good. He was ill and hospitalized, placed on hospice and was sent home to die. But he didn't die. At this point Mom, whom he married over 50 years ago, who is in 'fair' health, decided she could no longer care for him and placed him in a Memory Care Facility. She sees him a few times a week and my siblings and I often visit as we can. He probably gets an average of 1 visit per day from someone - perhaps there have been a few days with no visits. He has been in memory care for a month. But he realizes he was put out of the home and is very hurt and he wants action. He tried to get to Mom, but she won't flench. Feels more like a divorce to me. She is just done, just short visits in which he usually ruins it by worrying about when she will leave him. He is mad and terribly hurt. Sooooooo every time I visit he makes it clear he does not want to be in the memory care facility and he wants one of his kids to take him. He has a nurse from before he likes and wants to care for him. It is possible for me to do this, but she has POA and I don't believe she will vote for it.

He wants a lawyer, and I don't know what to do.

Seems like a betrayal to him.

I feel in the middle.

He is probably mid stage Alzheimers.

Posted By : straydog - 11/2/2016 5:52 PM
So very sorry to read what is going on with your dad. I can't imagine how hard it is for you being caught in the middle. Having to place a parent anywhere is tough. Your mom has the POA & she is the one with legal control over him. You can contact an atty & discuss this situation. However, you need to understand they will look at how mentally competent he is, meaning does he have the mental capabilities to make a legal decision to revoke the current POA & appoint someone else. All of this will have to go through the legal system. Have you discussed any of this with your mom?

Take care.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

Posted By : Steve n Dallas - 11/3/2016 4:43 AM
I've been through this with both my parents. They both participated in looking at the facilities and for the most part looked forward to moving.. Once there, they both felt like they were abandoned.

Mom is the worst. She can't remember that one of us visited yesterday but she can remember we dropped her off to die. (her words of course)

To make matters worse, Alzheimer's make them revert to a childlike state and there is no way to "reason" with them.... Becoming their parent isn't fun and trying to convince them that they can't live in your home is impossible. They just don't understand that they can't be left home all day while everyone is at work etc...

If possible - get a white board/write on calendar that shows who is coming to visit and on what day... It gives them something to look forward to. The staff can help remind them who is coming to visit.

Posted By : TheYoungerDaughter - 11/3/2016 6:56 AM
I have not discussed most of this with my mom yet. She can be dismissive bc she likes to get her way for the most part. She really feels she is in charge of him and this is her ultimate solution. But she is out enjoying her life now (she felt locked up with him before), while he is stuck in the facility. But now she is living well and he feels locked up.

I have been trying to decide how much I want to rearrange my family to accommodate my dads wishes.

Perhaps a compromising point is just to invite him for the day OR even to stay overnight and see how he does here. Does this make any sense to some of you experienced in this? Something we could do monthly or so.

It feels like a midway point that is more realistic for my family, like to do this monthly for him.

My mom believes if you take them out it mixes them all up and they have to readjust. I don't know if this is true - what do you all think about this? He is just really sad so that is why I want to figure out some solution.

Posted By : Red_34 - 11/3/2016 7:50 AM
I'm sorry you are going thru this. It's never easy.

Does your mother just have POA or does she have a DPOA as well? DPOA is Durable Power of Attorney and relates to health decisions while POA is mainly only for financial and legal matters.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma, Alzheimer's, IBS, Co-moderator-UC
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Posted By : JaSanne - 11/5/2016 8:12 AM
Disagreements do happen with family members when it comes to a loved one's care, probably a lot more than one would imagine.

I agree with you that it would be good for your father to have a day/overnight visit if his health otherwise allows for it. It would make him feel less confined. My father's facility encouraged us taking him out for visits or just to grab a bite. It would also give you sense of what it would be like to care for him at your home before committing to fighting for him full-time. I can tell you from experience that it's much harder and more stressful than most people think it's going to be. Someone has to be watching your father 24/7. Someone will have to help bathe and feed him. Someone has to make sure he doesn't wander off or injure himself or others when he is confused or frightened.

Patients will have underlying physical ailments as their organs become affected by the disease. For example, my father's bladder became chronically infected, which in turn, ramped up his dementia. When that first happened, he urinated anywhere and everywhere in the house. He didn't know what he was doing of course, but it's difficult to handle these episodes in you own home. Keep in mind that your father isn't going to view going to your home as equivalent to going to his own home.

Please don't be too hard on your mother, especially if she had been caring for him at home all by herself or with little outside help. Remember, it takes a full-time staff of healthy, younger-than-your-mother adults to care for an Alzheimer's patient without getting fully burned out. Though it may seem like she's uncaring for placing him in a facility against his will, she is as much a victim of this unrelenting disease as he is.

You will have to decide whether it's worth the ramifications if you try to override your mother's POA. I understand your dilemma, having been there, and hope you can all come to an agreement that doesn't tear your family apart.

Post Edited (JaSanne) : 11/5/2016 5:05:57 PM (GMT-6)


Posted By : Alice22 - 11/10/2016 3:32 PM
Hi,

I can imagine what you are going through and I feel for you. My mother has moderate Alzheimer's and she gets by in an independent facility that provides meals, housekeeping, transportation and other amenitities. But I have to help her a lot and she has caregivers that help her too. Some days I can't deal with it and think she should go to a nursing home, but I've worked in nursing homes and don't want to do that to her until it's absolutely necessary.

If you can find a way to get your father out of there you and he will both feel better, but think long and hard about bringing him into your home. How much space do you have? Can you hire someone to help you? If he's a veteran you can get financial help for him. It does seem sad that he feels abandoned, and no offense to your mother, but I feel more sympathy for him than for her. Follow your conscience, see an lawyer that deals with these matters, pray, talk to family members, your pastor, etc. It's not an easy decision, but it's obvious you love your father a lot and want to help him and I would feel the same toward my father. But think also of your own family and what you can realistically do. It's tough. Good luck.
Diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in 2005 and rheumatoid arthritis in 1998. On Remicade since 2005 for both diseases. For UC tried sulfasalazine, Lialda, colazal and others which made me ill. Started 50 mg. Imuran July 2015. Use peppermint oil capsules and Bentyl which help during a flare and with IBS symptoms.

Caregiver for mother with Alzheimer's Disease (for Alz. forum)

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