Tonight I was asked "do your joints still hurt?" my answer- "Of course
they still hurt!" Why do people believe that this is a short term problem and I should have it "handled" in a reasonable amount of time?
Lately I have noticed that people at church (my closest friends now that I am no longer working) glaze over when I start to truly answer the question "how are things going for you lately?" I've chosen to keep my answer short to my most pressing problems (an even split between Bipolar episodes and RA flares) and leave the other secondary or ongoing problems off the list. The problem is that because I am not consistent with my complaints people wonder if I might be exaggerating a bit. Also, they wonder why I react the way I do because they don't know the whole story.
There was one time that I let the whole laundry list of my complaints out to someone who had pressed and was asking how I really was doing. I saw her eyes pop a bit and she started looking around for a way out of the conversation. She did ask for it, though. She didn't understand that one person could have all the problems that I do. "How can I have all of that?" she asked. I don't know, I didn't get to choose- or I would have opted out.
Also, health problems bring about $ problems and relationship problems and child raising problems and house cleaning problems and weight issues and other health problems. Mine affects my ability to sleep, so I am exhausted all the time. Try making good choices when you are exhausted, nauseous, and it hurts all over. "No, I don't want to volunteer at the church today." and "I know I never take the kids out to the neighborhood pool, and I'm not going to start either."
I have started to "lie" to people that ask "how are you doing?" after I haven't seen them in a while. I know that they want to hear what has been going on in my life lately, but I haven't seen them since my RA Dx and they are not ready for an answer like I have for them. So I shrug and say "all right" and move on. I know I am brushing people off- and I am probably hurting a few feelings. (I have been told that I come across as "stuck up") But I am just not prepared to break out in tears at the grocery store- and neither are they. I assume that I have simply lost all of the aspects of my old life. I have lost my ability to work, go to school, and all of the friends that I had in that circle. My life has changed so much, I might as well let it all go and move on.
It doesn't help that I am in a Bipolar depression right now.
I am 30 years old. My kids are 11, 8, and 4. They take it in stride when I say things like, "let's go- Mommy doesn't feel good so we have to go now" and "why don't you put in a movie while I take a nap on the couch." But the other parents don't understand.
Even though I do not understand where I am going on the path that God has laid out for me, I must submit to His plan and trust that He will take me where I need to be.
Bipolar treatment-Lamictal, 200mg, Mood stabelizer, daily(main side effect: brain fog) Bipolar treatment-Cymbalta, 40mg, Antidepressant, daily(main side effect: GI upset, decreased clotting, insominia) Anemia, Fatigue treatment- Iron supplement, 65mg, daily(main side effect: constipation) Insominia treatment- Ambien, 10mg, daily(main side effect: amnesia eppisodes between taking pill and falling asleep) Mania treatment- Alprazolam, .25mg, Very rarely(main side effect: fatigue, slowing of thoughts, depression of CNS, can't take ambien or vicodin when on it) RA treatment- Plaquenil, 400mg, daily(main side effect: GI upset, decreased clotting) RA treatment- Methotrexate, 25mg, 1X weekly(main side effects: hair loss, stomach upset, mouth sores, sore muscles, fatigue, brain fog, compromised immune system, decreased Folic Acid absorption) GI upset treatment- Leucovorin Calcium, 10mg 1x weekly(main side effects: ?) Folic Acid defintioncy- Folic Acid, 1mg, daily(main side effects: ?) Multi-mineral Supplement (main side effects: constipation, GI upset) Constipation treatment- Docusate Sodium, 200mg, daily(main side effects:?) pain control- Motrin, 800mg, PRN Q6hours daily(main side effects: GI upset, decreased clotting) Pain Control- Vicodin, 5-500mg, PRN Q12hours 3-4 times weekly (main side effects: brain fog, fatigue)