Alicat, Sorry to hear you're have a rough day. You're statement is exactly how I felt.
Denial that something is wrong: Even though I constantly felt exhaused and just tired for no reason and always getting sick I just thought it was in my head, until I went to the dr and tests came back positive for different things. Then I actually had a short, VERY short period of time where I felt relieved that something was wrong....well, because then it could be treated. But it didn't talke long before depression set in. I still get depressed because I feel like I have more bad days than good and the problem with that is...I have it nowhere near as bad as many people have it. I often tell myself...geesh, if you act like this now, what are you going to do if it really gets bad? And then I have days where I tell myself...this is what I was dealt and its not going away so you have to learn to deal with it. I think I need a tiny little therapist to sit on my shoulder (like the devil and angel) to catch me when I'm thinking start feeling sorry for myself so he/she can straighten me out and re-direct my way of thinking. I will say this...when you have a health issue like this along with all the other problems life brings on (broken down vehicles, wrecked vehicle, deaths of sons friends 3 mo old baby girl [whose parents are only 19], son's gf's pet getting killed who lives with us, making financial ends meet during the holiday season, trying to prepare for all the different family get-togethers, trying to put a kid through college, dealing with daughters ex-boyfriend stalking our house, stress from work) you really have to work that much harder at re-directing your thoughts so you don't use all your energy on stressful situations. I know that flares can be brought on by stress because I was doing great and the last two nights I have awaken my self when I try to roll over because my body is so stiff and achy.
Oh, WOW, didn't realize I was rambling so much. Sorry. I guess I really needed to vent. It's been a rough couple of weeks.
Thanks to anyone who listens! I want you all to know that somedays I don't think I would make it mentally if I couldn't check posts and see encouraging words from some of you. Thank you all for all of your support! It's greatly appreciated.