I had some issues, but nothing like this back then. I was diagnosed with JRA at 11. It was pretty much in remission my late teens according to blood tests, but I still had severe problems with my knee (the main problem growing up.) During my early 20's I had what I call "roaming" problems while I was dating my husband. Every 6-8 months I'd have a new problem - it was like my body was searching for a good attack place. When I was 25 (about a year and a half in to my marriage) my feet were the next victim and next thing I knew, I was laid up for the next few years unable to walk. I had my daughter when I was 29 and it went well, but I may have done myself more harm than good by having my son soon after that (17 months later and both were c-sections.)
Since I had my son almost 4 years ago - I have had severe problems again. My arthritis was in remission while I was pregnant, but I was sick as a dog (pneumonia and bronchitis almost the whole time). About 12 hours after I had him, I felt like a semi hit me. I was having all sorts of attacks - the doctor called them autoimmune reactions - on top of joint pain everywhere. It seems like I had 2 years of PPD after him and just never felt "right" - and that's when things got really bad between us. We moved during that time also and I wasn't too keen on that.
Let me tell you about the failure part, I've been there and am still often there. I feel like such a failure as a person and a mother. I'm going to be 35 this summer and I'm so unhappy. My whole life I've wanted children and to be a mom and I've been nothing but sick and unable to cope. I feel worthless most of the time as a wife and person. I've been taking Remicade for 20 months now and now am on Plaquinil with it. And though Remicade has been a wonder drug, there are still a lot of issues I'm battling. Since December I've been sick as a dog with liver problems and have been constantly sick with random flares that leave me in bed and not knowing what the next day will bring, let alone the next part of the same day. Two years ago after being on methotrexate and azulphidine I was hospitalized with sever Ebstien Barr/Mono, dehydration, toxic liver, and enlarged spleen. I've lost 2 job because of my health issues (this last one just recently.) I haven't been able to control my weight since the EBV for various reasons and looking in the mirror and knowing I am carrying 80 extra pounds doesn't help my attitude about everything either.
It's those rare and few days (or few hours) where I feel well and my head is slightly clear that keeps me positive that maybe I can get better enough to enjoy my life instead of barely "getting by" day by day. It is also what keeps me from leaving my husband in hopes that maybe the problems between us will get better if I can get better. I don't know, only time will tell.
Okay, I'm sorry I wrote such a long "pity me" story......I know so many people are so much worse off than I am in so many ways and I have so many blessings to be thankful for. I am usually a positive person myself, but these last 5 months have been a real trial for me between battling my health, emotions, loosing my job, and dealing with a rocky marriage. I just needed to get this all off my chest finally to someone - and it did help.
So, aside from all this - none of us are failures no matter how much we feel like it at times. We have to remind ourselves of that. We are dealing with things we cannot control and are doing our best to survive. We fight to find out what we can do to help ourselves and hope for the best results from our best efforts. I have faith that we will find our answers and be able to find comfort from the pain. It takes time to climb out the holes we fall in emotionally sometimes, so cherish the time it feels like someone sent down a ladder.