in answer to some of your questions.....his 'mommy' is closet to her first born son, from a family that she had two sons, one went to college and wised up and had his own life, 3 hours away from her, and doesnt want to care for her other than phone calls and when she is up in ny he comes for his 1-2 weekly appointments to say hallo....other than that he has his own life and doesnt want the responsibiltiy of taking care of her, so it falls on my husband, her first born. they brother was annoyed that my husband and i got married i guess because he thought he would have to pitch in more than he had and this was going to be an intrusionin his life..my husband had the role for many years of caregiver to his mother and father (now deceased whom i loved dearly and he liked me also to the chagrin of his wife)..
and he dotes on her which isnt so bad because he has some good about him but i feel he is overly tired to her 'kitchen strings' which has in the past been extremely antagonistic to me. to the point of putting me second class. frankly, i dont mind when he goes up to ny with her during the summer, as i tend to do alittle better as i have to do more for myself then. i get out alittle more then because i have to. it is a depressing place i live in and not of my choice. but i had to wait 2.5 yrs to be able to get my hearing so i can get the ssi i appiled for, which was this month. so now i am hoping i will see some back pay from all this in about 4-6 months.
i really dont want to be alone, as ann landers used to say, are you better off with him or without him financially, emotionally, etc.
i would feel more lonely without him ( long term) so i do tend to put up with things that were i normal, would not do. but at 50, and having put the better years behind me, IMHO who is going to want a broke down 5o yr old to care for?
so i dont make his mommy an issue much anymore and learned how to try to ignore it although i am not happy with this arrangement.
i did not come into the marriage with a mother to care for, etc, but with one son who is in college and 20, but if he were in trouble with his health i would take him in and care for him much the same way he is doing for his mother. so i cant fault him for that.
she is not an easy person to get along with and we had to make rules to make this work better than it was. IE, she cant always come over here even though she lives 2 streets over. i expalined to him if we lived in another state, she wouldnt be over every day to harrass me so just because she is closer doesnt give her the right to come over everyday to de-rail our relationship. he respects this right of mine and agrees.
it wouldnt be bad if she was a positive person, a grandmotherly type who liked to bake cookies and bring them over to sit and be social, she is the opposite of that to my dismay.
but like i say, i do get some piece and quiet when they leave and this really doesnt bother me that much anymore to have some time off. in fact i crank up the stero.....i know of no other way for this to work at this point, as they say what works is what works best i guess. i would have liked to be able to get away once in a while with him to go on vacation but he cant leave her as she cant drive. now here is the clincher....she is in greeat health!!!! only has a little sugar problem and little high blood pressure which is under control.
last year when she flew back to NY in april, he didnt join her until end of may. she began calling immead after she got back to ny and telling him she was having worse problems with her high blood pressure as a means to get him to come up to be with her sooner than he planned on it. i caved in and told him to go to her.
frankly, i dont mind now....i had the opportunity to make some new friends and get out alittle more without him here. and my son came down to spend a month with me from ny so we got to spend some quality time together with some peace and quiet.....
as far as the doctors go, i would like to be able to consult with others out of state as it is well known that fl docs are miserable for the most part.
i never had thses kinds of problems with ny doctors as i have had with fl docs since i lived in fl. it seems the standards of care are not the same quality as they are in other states.