Welcome to the site. It's good to hear fresh voices. I hope we can give you the support you're looking for. Feel free to unload here, it's a safe space to do it and get some feedback.
You're really having a tough time with two relatively new BP's in your household, so give yourself a break for feeling a little lost. Anyone would. I hope you're daughter's okay.
I think as far as disciplining teens (and while my daughter is only a toddler, I was a high school teacher, so take it as you like) your wife is right that you want to let kids have some
chance to learn and grow on their own but the truly important thing is for you and your wife to be united. Be on the same page. Don't let your daughter play you off each other. Maybe you already do this, but make her wait for answers to her requests while you and mom discuss and reach agreement on whether or not she can go somewhere. Because if she sees that Dad is saying one thing and Mom another, she'll always go to mom. But if Mom and Dad are talking and agree with one another, she'll see that you're decisions have been discussed, reasoned out and she'll see you two as a parental unit.
Hope this is helpful,
SerafenaCo-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare