I am so sorry for your current state. I too, have been very depressed over the last week and a half or so. I can relate to your "bad thoughts" (from many years ago). Just remember that they are in fact bad, and you are too good for any of that.
What helps me in these delicate times, is calling a crisis line and talking things through. Sometimes my local crisis line can be a pit pushy...or rushing me off the phone-and if that's the case, I then call a distress line to talk things out for 10 minutes or so. It helps ground me a bit, so that I can focus on taking care of myself. Plus, they really understand what you're going through; like we do.
I send you a huge (((((hug))))) as well and will pray that you get well; I know you will.
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Trazodone 50mg/day & Lamictal 100 mg/day