Redoak, I am a very direct person, and usually just jump in with it straight. So here it is. You already know how tough a position you are in. But YOU crumbling is NOT an option. If you are heading to a place where you get lost in all this, or you start to disappear, then you will be of NO service to your life, or hers. So, at any point if you are starting to head down that road, it is time to look at saving yourself. I know that is harsh, but the fact is YOU COUNT TOO, and your life matters. That includes your joy, your happiness, and what you want for YOUR future. It IS okay if this isn't it, and it IS okay to tell the truth about
that. No judgment. It is EQUALLY okay to choose the opposite. It is YOUR life, therefore you get to make the decisions.
Now, with that said I get you are not there yet to that level of decision making, so start right now on the right foot and create definitive boundaries with you wife as to what you will and won't put up with from her. At some point you are going to have to impress upon your W the need to start committing to A) getting out of denial about
what is REALLY going on with her, and B) focusing on getting well and doing the work SHE needs to do with positive support that is available to her. Part of that is becoming responsible and accountable for her own issues and behavior - with or without proper medication. She is going to have to learn that her mother loves her desperately, and in her attempt to protect her daughter from pain, she is unintentionally sabotaging her wellness by refusing to face the truth about
which came first...the chicken or the egg. If you look at it from the mother's point of view for a moment, what parent WANTS to see their child is chronically mentally ill (although I DO so hate that terminology....because I see this as a physical condition like diabetes, except instead of insulin being the issue, it is difficulty in regulating brain chemistry and instead of going into diabetic shock....it causes more problems with emotions). Anyway, as a mother myself with a son who is also BP - so I do understand, we feel immediately guilty. Like we have done something wrong. However, it is a mothers job to face the truth and do what is best for our child. Her mother doesn't realize she is not doing this yet. Will she ever...hard to say. But the fact is, your wife is an adult, and therefore the final choice of what she does - or believes - rests with her...regardless of the mother's influence. I can say that if she does not get proper medication, a good balance is not found...and she does not get committed to her wellness....as to your question of how far will she go....WHO KNOWS. Will it be MORE violent and dangerous for you..."perhaps" is all anyone can say. And how far are we talking...If she has psychotic episodes to what you have described....it is an AWFULLY big question IMO. You should direct that question to her doctors. As the husband, YOU are the one who makes the decisions for your wife, not her parents anymore when she is not in control of herself. Therefore, even if your MIL does not like it, or you, as a result, you need to do what is best for your wife. The first thing I personally think you should do is set up an appointment with the doctors with you and your wife, And then
openly discuss what you see with them. Get THEIR feedback. If it matches what your are experiencing...your wife is there to hear it herself. If they say her dx IS BP - and what does it take to successfully treat it...Then there is not a lot of room for denial. If she claims it is the meds, you be prepared to site evidence of the episode starting prior to meds even being given.
The conversation with you wife has to be about
what SHE wants for her life, and what the two of you together as a team can do to help her get there. Finding her smile, happiness, and sense of seeing herself as valuable and worthwhile is available for her IF she wants it. If she does, then it is only the logistics of how to get her there that she will need to focus on. There is no more looking back....because she won't find it there. It will only be in front of her, and the goal (which you can tell her) is for you to be by her side as a team. She either wants that or not. If not, she doesn't do the work. If she does, she will - as hard as it may be.
Does that all make sense? Her mother is not the villain intentionally. She is scared and sad and guilt ridden - even though it is not her fault , and she is trying to protect her daughter from pain. She is just misguided. And when your wife gets well, and the meds help her, your MIL will begin to not be so scared and may step up. Maybe then her daughter will be ready to help educate her and comfort her. All us mothers really want for our kids is health, happiness, and to be safe. Hope that helps....Good thoughts to you. LFW
Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 1/9/2008 2:22:37 PM (GMT-7)