I am just looking for some input...any input.
Just to remind you all of my history, I was diagnosed in the beginning of November last year as bipolar. Although now that I have been intherapy for 2 months and have learned so much, I know I have struggled with this since probably my late teens.
I started with a new therapist and new doctor in November. I was put on 50mg. Zoloft and .5 mg. of Risperdal. I can still remember almost the exact date when I actually started feeling anything from the new meds. The Risperdal started working pretty much right away....I take it at night and it really just helped slow down my brain/clear the fog. I have slept better in the past 2 months than I have in years. THe antidepressant and the actual mania combating property of the risperdal didnt kick in for a good 6 weeks. The bipolar for manifests itself in the way of lying and spending money, and usually the lying is about the spending of the money.
Anyway, on with the long story...November 8th is the day my spending and the lying manifested and came out into the open to my husband. I call that dday. I am in a new type of therapy, called Health Realization. I really like it and i have learned so much not only about Bipolar...but in getting the tools I need to live the rest of my life with this. It took a few weeks for me to really open up well in therapy...just the usual hard to talk about the seemingly unending list of things I had done wrong.
Well at the end of November , through cleaning I found 5 forgotten savings bonds. The next day I cashed them in...felt terrible for doing so, but instead of giving the $ to my husband and coming clean....I spent it. I just bought stuff I knew we would need anyway for the house: printer ink, body wash, etc. Cashing them and spending them all took place within 24 hours.
I felt so terrible. At that time I was still not feeling any affects from either med, I was still mentally down in that hole, I had been taken off all of our accounts. I was really in a low place. I guess I was looking for that one thing that made me feel good temporarily in the past.
Well I admonished myself...told myself this can not happen again, to give myself time to give the meds and therapy a chance, to not give up...that I am hopeless. I decided in myself to give myself a break, to dust myself off, but also to keep it to myself.
Well little did I know that yesterday we get a 1098 in the mail for the interest on those bonds.
I will try to make an even longer story short. Hubby is pissed. What he sees is just that it happened again. I have explained to him that this was 2 months ago, and mentally I was still unstable. But to him, I just lied again, no matter what the reason. He was being so angry and smug that he called my mother and I ended up going home with her last night. We needed to just be away from eachother. My 2 little girls were upset and I had to leave.
I had a hearwrenching sleepless night last night, and now I dont know what to do. Do I just stay here another night and go home tomorrow? Do I call andask permission to go to my own house? What is best for my kids, I know they want me in the house, and I can deal with the anger and lack of trust with my husband. But I am afraid to call and see what he says.
Since I did that 2 months ago, I can not even explain how much better I feel. I know if confronted in the same way today, I would never have done that. And besides that, there has been no other thing I have dne "wrong". I am trying my hardest to get better, especially now that I feel better. I just dont want my husbands anger to turn this into that Michele is not really getting better, that she is just up to old tricks. Because I am honestly not and I can not defend myself enough to that degree.
I guess I just wanted some input from you all. I greatly respect all of you and have already learned so much about what I am going through, through your eyes...but also my husbands side, from those of you that are spouses of bipolar.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson