Katy, I am married, like you, to a man with BP. It is difficult at times. Some times are REAL difficult! YES, it can effect us by wearing us out, dealing with the multiple moods, the unfair verbal attacks...etc. But, how WE deal with it makes our own mental health stay in balance, or not. We are responsible for our own wellbeing, just as our spouses are responsible for theirs. One way we take care of ourselves is by making it clear what we will and won't allow or tolerate from them. When they cross the line, it is time to remind them of the boundaries of behavior - and then walk away for a while and give them "thinking" time. If you don't, and you are attempting to "take it" to show you are being understanding and loving, then you are building your own misery. Trust me, standing up is HARD to do, and does not always feel good. But, it IS the best thing you can do for yourself.
Is your spouse balanced on his medication? Does he see his pdoc and therapist regularly? Are you a part of his wellness process and included with his doctors? Are you granted permission to speak with them whenever you need help about this, or feel they should hear your perspective on things? If you say NO to any of this, that is where I would start because you should be able to say YES to ALL of that. Being married to a BP means that you are a team, because it takes teamwork to maintain wellness for the BP, and it takes teamwork to be able to maintain a relationship. If HE is not acting as a teamate, then that is where you must start to gain control of the situation.
Are you in therapy for yourself? If you have not had a lot of therapy in the past, or do not have a good support group around you, I would definitely recommend it to you. We as spouses do need a place to be able to talk things out, let our frustration out, VENT....whatever, that is all our own to in order to keep perspective for ourselves. Perhaps that would also be a good place for you to start?
What I can share with you is that you are not alone. There are LOTS of us spouses out there. The life of a spouse is not an easy one, but it is doable. But it is also acceptable, with no judgment attached to decide it is not the life you want for yourself and to remove yourself from the situation. That does not have to have any reflection on your love for that person. You could LOVE this person with every breath you have, but you don't have to prove it by staying either - should you not really want to.
I wish you well and clearly with what your questions have been, and your responses, it is time for YOU to take as good of care of yourself, as you have been trying to take of him. You deserve it as much as he does. Don't forget that. LFW