Katy, I am known as a direct and honest person here at HW. So, as a BP spouse I am going to share my thoughts with you. My hope is you will not be offended, as it is ONLY meant with the best of intentions on my part. I hope you can receive it that way.
I have seen your postings, and I have seen your responses to other posts and one thing keeps jumping out at me...while you have all these questions and you are clearly in a sad situation, when others have given you input, you seem to either ignore that input (which is certainly your right to do), or you snap back in some way trying to justify how you think they are wrong, or placing conditions on thier love for another. When others share with you that what they have learned, what they KNOW to be true, or their experiences....you seem offended as it doesn't fit with what you seem to want to hear. I am not sure other than to listen to you, what you are hoping to gain here given this.
Both spouses and BP's are sharing with you that BP or not, abuse is unacceptable whether it be verbal or physical. That the only way to stop it is to create boundaries you will keep that make it clear to your partner you will not stand for such behavior from him towards you. That these boundaries are loving both for him and you. That his abuse of you is NOT solely a BP issue. That BP may exacerbate it, but there are CLEARLY other issue going on with an abusive person in their personality. That a BP spouse has hard decisions to make about
their own lives (which like a BP is responsible for their lives BP OR NOT, SO TOO is a BP spouse about
themselves), and what they do and don't want for themselves as a life. THAT LOVE that is deep, true and unconditional can exist while still not accepting being hurt by the other person - and in some cases choosing not to stay in the situation.
All your posts talk about
your situation being abusive, yet all you keep saying is you love him and can't get him to understand the pain he is causing you. My dear....time to take some responsibility in you allowing him to be abusing you if you won't stand up for yourself. Like Serafena said, if you are in fear for your safety...GET HELP...GET OUT. There are shelters for women in these situations. ALL the information about
abused women says that the most successful situations happen because the women thought their exit through, and made a plan. SO...make a plan if you are in this situation, and use the resources around you.
The fact is that YOU are responsible for your own happiness, not your BP spouse. You are responsible to show people how to treat you, and if you allow for the kind of abuse you are talking about
...then that is the lesson you are teaching your BP spouse about
what is acceptable with you. I am NOT saying standing up for yourself, and setting limits, is EASY in any way, shape or form. It is VERY hard to do....VERY. But it IS necessary if you have ANY hope of making a relationship work with a BP. Ask ANY BP or spouse and they will confirm this fact. Unless you are working in a team with your partner with their condition....you are in for pain and sorrow and a rough ride.
Katy, it is clearly time for you to love yourself as much, and take as good care of yourself - as you have tried to take of him. Clearly you are loving him more than yourself right now, and you deserve at least EQUAL from yourself - for you...don't you think? Many on these boards have been through a lot in their lives, and what they share is from the heart in the hopes that others can learn from them, or see that they are not alone in their feelings, or there is strength and lessons to be learned by
opening up and sharing with others. I hope you start finding that to be true for yourself. I think you have to start
opening yourself up for other points of view, and perhaps in that you will find strength, guidance and hope.
I hope you have received my thoughts with the "best of intentions" that they are meant. I wish you nothing but the best in your choices that will lead you to the life I am sure you deserve and desire. LFW
Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 2/18/2008 1:52:14 PM (GMT-7)