update from dutchie

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 4/1/2008 5:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone...it has been quite a while, but some of you have definitely stayed with me in my thoughts.  Mogs I am so happy to see you are doing well.  Congrats on everything!
School for me is going very well, I love it and feek like I have finally found the right thing to keep me motivated in my career.  I guess I finally feel like I have a career...or will have when all is said a done. (I am currently in a hairstyling program)
Footballfan and I are still here together giving it our best.  It is very hard though, because as hard as he tries, I don't believe he is happy, and that is so hard to see.  And I know it consumes me.  He is doing well on his meds for his depression....seems a little more even...for lack of a beter word.  he says his concentration is better as well.
I get anxious at his happiness/unhappiness.  I feel anxious because sometimes I feel like I am in a house where people don't like me....(we have a young teen daughter, and mom is not always the most popular person)  Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself; I probably am, but it is hard to be this strong confident woman I know FBF would like to see and I would like to feel, when I am feeling these feelings.  I still have a lot of days where I feel like a big emotional baby.
Meds for me are still god...lithium and clonazpam when the emotions run too high.
gotta run
hope alll is well

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 4/1/2008 9:41 AM (GMT -7)   

Welcome back dutchie.  I am glad you are finding fulfillment in school...and are able to gain some much needed self esteem from doing well with it.  The best advise I received from my therapist, was to combat those feelings of inadequacy in myself.  You have to start realizing that the key to your happiness lies within yourself.  Your happiness should not and does not rely on the happiness of other people.  In a relationship, if one person is down, it is up to the other person to remain up and to help bring the other person back up.  You can not force ff to be happy at times...but by seeing how well you are doing and how great you feel...you just might make him feel better. 

You must simply live your days concentrating on being well yourself.  And do not let the moods of those around you make you forget about your own well being.  I know it is hard to do, but the sooner you start taking full responsibility for your own happiness and emotions...the better off. 

You see with my husband...he has held on to this anger over the spending I did, for months.  In my therapy I have come far, and I now am getting pretty good at staying healthy in the mind, even when confronted by his sometimes sour mood or emotional jabs at me.  I realize that he is a certain way and he deals with stress a certain way, but my continually moving ahead in a healthy way has started to rub off on him.  And my not getting so defensive at his hostility (basically I more or less ignore the jabs), shows him that I will not let his emotional hostility bring me down.  And I have told him that.  So that way, when I cut a conversation short, and tell him he can not talk to me that way...he understands.  Because I know that the sooner he gets through this anger...the better for our marriage, because in order for me to live with bp the rest of my life, I really do need him on my side.  Also I have started concentrating on the more positive aspects of life and spend more time involved with my children's activities...for they all love to see either dad or I up in the stands supporting them, and it makes me feel good.

And please do not fret too much about your teen.  I too have a 15 year old daughter, and I remember being this age.  As a teen friends become much more important.  I remember missing out on a few family functions because I would rather go to a party with friends or out with a boyfriend.  I have chose to enter this stage of motherhood with a clear head.  I jokingly gave my daughter a big hug on her first day of high school and said "ok, I will talk meaningful to you again in about 5 or 6 years...see you then".

I think it is natures way of preparing youth for life on their own.  They start to see if they can survive without mom or dad's input all the time.  We make sure my daughter knows we are here if she needs us at all times, and I have a relationship with her, that she feels comfortable coming to me with questions or just to tell me about the newest drama.  I have learned to not be judgemental and to give advise only if asked for or if needed.  It has become a mutual respect relationship...as long as she respects our rules, spends time with her sisters and keeps us informed in her life, we respect her growing need for a little independence and need to start trying to figure out her own problems.

So, it is kind of a pre-empty nest feeling you are going through...just dont feel sorry for yourself, instead embrace it that your teen is starting her journey into adulthood and your job is to make sure she has all the necessities.

Hang in there!

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 4/1/2008 3:39 PM (GMT -7)   


((((((((((((Warm hugs)))))))))))))))  So glad to see your post today.  I've definitely been thinking of you; wondering how school is going, and thinking good thoughts for you and FBF. 

I am glad you are feeling so good about school, and it sounds like you're really enjoying it.  I can relate tongue

I have to say in reading through your post, my heart goes out to you.  More than anything I want to echo what mommy.michele said-- that your happiness is within you.  You are doing very well, and have every reason you need to feel that strong confident woman.  Be that woman for yourself.  I will be your cheerleader; I totally believe in you.  I know it's hard sometimes to have that same belief/strength in ourselves, but remind yourself how far you have come.  That is reason all on its own to feel proud and accomplished.  The journey you have been on and steps you have taken over the last several months spells confident woman!

Your daughter loves you to pieces, and I know she'll grow up to be a confident woman as well.

Glad to hear from you.  Keep in touch--Believe me I know it's hard to post with school etc... Just remember we're all thinking of you.

Take care Dutchie & give a hug to FBF for me!


Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Trazodone 50mg/day & Lamictal 200 mg/day

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/2/2008 7:35 AM (GMT -7)   

It is so good to see your post again, glad to hear you're doing okay and that school is going well. You will be a terrific hairstylist, I'm sure.

I know how easy it is to let everyone else's feedback bring you down, but it doesn't have to be that way. That's a part that you have control over. It's hard because you have to make an effort to let their negativity slide by you and focus on your own wellness, but it's worth it. It makes the difference between you calling yourself a big emotional baby -- which is mean, and being that strong woman you want to be. It's so hard, but it's worth doing, as both Michele and Mogs have already pointed out. Your family's happiness is so important to you, but you don't have to bear the brunt of their unhappiness. They can carry their own.

(((hugs))) to you. Please keep us in the loop, it is so good to hear from you.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 4/2/2008 12:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dutchie,

Glad to hear school is going so well for you. That is great when you finally feel like what you are doing and your interests/talents mix right. As to the home stuff. Don't forget that teenagers are testing...and given that girls identify with "mom"...just keep doing the right things by your daughter...whether she likes it or not...stay as loving and understanding as you can. But remember, you are not there to be her best friend, you are there to be her mother first and foremost. Try and create special moments where she can put down her attitude for a bit so you can just "be" with each other and let the love out too. As to FBF...don't take his unhappiness on. Be there for him of course, but part of the problem for FBF is that he never would acknowledge his own unhappiness before. He is going to go through the process of facing it, and dealing with it. You can not do it for him. He has work to do, so love him all you can, be there for him all you can, but don't forget to give him the space to work through HIS issues within himself, as you are doing for yourself. Again...same as for your daughter, just create some sanctuaries where you can both put down the "issues" and just relax and enjoy moments with each other. That is all you can really do. Do loving things for him when you can, but don't expect things to "look different". They will in time, but it will come from within him. You'll see...he'll get there.

As to you calling yourself a emotional baby....I agree with Serafena...TOO negative a statement for you....turn it into a positive while still allowing yourself to see the growth you've done, and the growth you've yet to do. Maybe say something instead like...."WOW, look how far I've come...I still feel tender and new emotionally inside....but each day I learn more and get stronger. I am going to keep moving forward!"

Good to hear from you! LFW

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 88
   Posted 4/2/2008 3:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much ladies...your support means so much and really is helpful. It is difficult because I believe I was a selfish person before, and now that is the farthest thing I want to be, and I want FBF to feel my love everyday. I wish for that deep connection I know we could have....I want to be his everything, and it is so painful to realize that maybe I have lost that place in his heart. The pain that causes me is so great and that is where the emotion comes in. The only consolation is that I know very deeply within me that I want to make sure I am the best me everyday and that loving him is coming from a very real and genuine place. It gets hard to stay on track mentally when at times I feel like I am on such an emotional roller coaster.

Thanks again!!!


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 4/2/2008 4:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Dutchie, the issues for FBF existed before what you did last year, that is the stuff he is dealing with now. I am not saying he is over what you did, but it is easier to rage and acknowledge anger and pain at that, then the stuff for HIM he had going on already. Now he is seeing and feeling it. It is HIS process to go through. You just keep up being the best you possible and be there for him all you can without smothering him. You can't really be his everything....he has to count in there for himself too. The part of him that will be ready to love again, will come back when the rest of him has healed and you will be there having built some healthy new memories along the way. He will have felt your love and commitment to him during the process. That is all part of the healing you both have to keep doing. Keep up the great job on all those fronts. HUGS...LFW
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