I'm so sorry that things did not pan out for you. In truth...I am a bit confused as to whether when you tried to implement my suggestion he reacted badly, or upon his coming home, due to his own stuff...he came in already angry and frustrated - so you never got a chance?
Either way, I am sorry for you both that you had a fight over whichever it was. Never pleasant.
Personally, I think that you did all you could from what you shared to handle things responsibly...and for this you should be very pleased with yourself. I have to remind myself daily that I can not be responsible for how someone reacts to, about
, or with me. THEY are responsible for themselves...like I am for me. It took 2 to fight. Perhaps, as much as you love this man...at this moment, he is not mature enough for your needs. That isn't to say he can't or won't one day get there....just to acknowledge that perhaps he isn't there yet. Plus, there are times...for whatever reason...we as humans feel the need to provoke a fight with someone, and that usually is with the person we feel safest with...our partners. Okay, not the best of plans...but we all...BP OR NOT, can get in a mood like that. Maybe he did this with you when he came home because something in his trip had not gone well for him, or he was upset about
something that could have REALLY had nothing to do with you? To a degree, due to your BP, you make an easy target to get angry at, and the way you have described past fights, I question some of the validity of the reasons he may be behaving that way. Is it REALLY about
the things he is saying...or is he behaving that way to release his own internal powder keg at a convenient target?
Either way, I know how difficult it is not to take his words to heart....regardless. But the thing is Mogs...this is the next step. You can choose to attach to his hurtful words or not. An example....my H and I got into a snit the other day because we are under a lot of financial pressure, I have been doing my business that isn't bringing in near enough $$ yet (although EVERYONE keeps telling me to keep going because it will...but that is another story), and suddenly his work became sporadic. The fact that I have been looking for work (which he wishes I didn't have to do to help), coupled with the fact that I haven't found the right job yet....triggered him to say he blames me for pursuing this "pipe dream that I have been" when I should have gone out 5 years ago and begun helping financially and he feels this is unfair additional burden and pressure on him. He then said that in his opinion...all I do is busy work that has no value. NOW....here is what I mean about
consciously choosing what to attach to....I could have been devastated with his hurtful words, or I could tell myself that his statements were hurtful and to a large degree untrue....YES....I could have sought out employment sooner and continued to pursue my dream on the side vs. F/T....but....up until recent...he didn't want me to. That is a fact. Plus, I know that what I do for our family and household...as well as for him...separate and apart from my business ...has TOTAL value...he was just saying that to be hurtful. I don't have to accept that as truth when I know it isn't. If I did not do all that I do....he could not handle and be the functional man he is. My family would be lost. I know "in truth" he knows that. So...I CHOSE to notice the words but ignore that part of his rant. Words are just words if we don't do anything with them...I let that go in one ear, and out the other. Does this make sense???? The part of his words that held truth, that I could do something about
, was hear that he now wants me to bump up efforts for finding employment so he/we aren't so pressured. And that I can and will do. So...nothing for me to be upset about
, I agreed with him. But the rest....is HIS stuff...not mine. SO...I let it be his.
I know when you fight you get scared Mogs, BUT....regardless of what happens with the two of you. YOU will be okay, YOU will have a bright future. So you hang in there and just keep doing all the right things for you. You keep being responsible for YOU and YOUR actions and words and issues....and NO MATTER HOW IT GOES....you will be fine. I am thinking about
you and sending you big HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LFW
Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 4/7/2008 5:51:42 PM (GMT-6)