Newbie Intro....Hi everyone!!!

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~ Badittude ~
New Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/15/2008 7:58 PM (GMT -7)   
  I wanted to post an introduction so I could get to know some of you. My name is Kim, I am 33 years old and I have 5 kids and a wonderful husband. I also have a heavy helping of Bi-Polar disorder, Retinitis Pigmentosa (which is an eye disease that causes blindness) and I am fearing that there's some other mental issues going on that have yet to be determined.
  Having 5 kids, and one income means I can't get the treatment for my Bipolar issues like I would want. I see a regular family general practice doctor. He currently has me on Symbyax 6-25 for the bipolar, and Ambien CR 12.5 for the horrible sleeplessness.
  The Ambien isn't working. It's not strong enough but it's the strongest dose he's allowed to write. I forgot to mention that my body has a high tolerance to medication. I have learned with my bipolar that sleep is as important as the meds. If I take my meds and do not sleep... I shift like crazy and I feel like I'm suffocating inside my own chest.
  I don't know what other steps to take for the sleep problem. I get desperate and during that "Shadow" of time that the Ambien starts working and I actually fall asleep, some pretty strange things can happen that I don't remember, and one of those is that I re-medicate myself...sometimes twice. So I consciouslly take one Ambien CR, then in the morning when I wake up, there's 2 or 3 more missing that my family tells me I got up and took again! Not a good thing. I have been working very hard not to do that anymore.
  I think the Symbyax has been working... I've actually become quite social...where as before I was a reclusive person, only allowing my husband and children, and my best friend, his wife, and his mother into my daily life. I would go weeks without answering my phone to anyone but those people... even sometimes without answering those people! I stay at home a lot. Safety is a huge thing for much so that I shamefully admit that I project my fear of loosing control of the environment for my kids and I don't allow them to have a normal play outside ride your bikes and play hide and seek at night kind of a lifestyle. I hate it... I really do... but I'm terrifyed that if I let them outside something will happen to them and I wont be there to protect them.
  Did I mention I have a huge lack of trust in people? I HAVE to maintain control of my environment, and the environment of those I hold cloesest to my heart (those mentioned above) .... people have jokingly called me a mother hen all my life.... but I seriously think it's some sort of complex. I don't want the people I love to be hurt, even if it means I suffer tremendously to prevent it. I allowed horrible sexual abuse to be inflicted on myself until I was nearly 15 years old because I didn't want to hurt my mother by telling her what her brother was doing. I knew it was wrong... I just couldn't stand the thought of hurting her though so I didn't tell anyone.
  Sorry, got off track. I do that sometimes. I tend to either not talk at all... or talk too much. I've noticed a lot of rapid shifting here in the past couple weeks. I sunk pretty low a couple of days ago after a night of no sleep... but then by noon that day I was shuffling all over the place at 100 mph. I hate the lack of control over my emtions. I hate it that I cannot fall asleep at night because as I lay there...tired as can be... my stupid head goes 200 miles an hour with every thought imaginable... thoughts that cause my heart to start racing.. my adrenaline to start running... I flip from side to side... I twitch my foot back and forth. I cannot even sleep in the bed with my husband because I feel guilty like I'm keeping him awake and he needs his sleep. For the past 3 years I've slept on the couch 85% of the time just because I have trouble sleeping and I don't want it to bother him.
  He's a great man. He has suffered infidelity on my part (my bipolar affects my judgement horribly, and my sexuality something awful). He goes rolling on the ups and downs with me. He's gone through me verbally ripping him and his family apart.... I feel horrible when I do it, and i Know it's the bipolar doing it, but I just can't make it stop.
  My Symbyax is working... it's just not working enough. It's helping some.... taking the sharpest edge off... but it's not helping me maintain a normal mindset. My head is racing ALOT, and it sounds really strange... but when I start shifting a lot, I get horrible headaches. Like this past week... in and out and in and out... I HATE it. I absolutely hate not being able to maintain myself.... I don't flip out and go running naked down the road... but I am aggressive, then affectionate, then energetic, then tired and bored all within a matter of hours. I just want to have one feeling... and keep it for one day. Not have such a dramatic rotation of emotions all the time... I'm tired... I'm really tired and I want to feel normal.
  Hospitalization is out of the question. I am currently awaiting my disability status so that I can get some medical assistance. After that I will be able to see a therapist, and actually see a specialist for my bipolar.... I just don't know what to tell my family physician about my bipolar episodes so that he'll know and understand that my medication needs some modification.
  Gosh... I'm sorry I blathered on. HI... my name is Kim, and I'm a blathering lump of desperation. eyes

olivia of course
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 4/15/2008 8:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Badittude,

Welcome to HealingWell and the Bipolar Forum. I'm glad you found us. It sounds like you have been through a lot because of your BP, and you will find a lot of people who have been through much as well. I am sorry that you are not sleeping well, have you asked your dr. about other sleep aid options. Being bipolar, sleep or lack of sleep can be a major part of out life. Again, welcome!
Co-Moderator, Bipolar
Only by seeking challenges can we hope to find the best in ourselves.
~Robert Rodriguez

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/16/2008 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kim,

I think you definitely want to try and tell your family doc that your meds are only partially effective -- he may just modify the dose, or he may try something else altogether -- but it's clear they're not working the way they should. It's easy enough. Tell him you're still having rapid mood swings daily and racing thoughts, which are the proper terms for what you're describing. And the Ambien isn't working well enough if you're not sleeping consistently. You're absolutely right, you need your sleep to manage your moods. Ask him about trying seroquel, which a lot of bipolar patients use.

Good luck to you, and welcome to our board,

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 82
   Posted 4/16/2008 8:19 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with Serafena..
Seroquel might be the answer for you too..
I have tried Ambien, Lunesta, and a couple of others i cant spell..
Finally, they prescribed Seroquel and I sleep like baby...
I have to take a very Large dose 1000mg..
So, don't give up on it.. they will probably start you on a low dose at first..

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 4/16/2008 3:45 PM (GMT -7)   
I have problems with sleep to. I couldn't sleep no matter how much I took of ambien or lunesta, or both in combination. I think my last dosing was abien 10g. w/ lunseta at 1200. I still didn't sleep. Now I take a combination of drugs that effect my cenrtal nervous system - basically slowing it down (pulse, blood pressue, breathing, and so. I aslo take a trazdone 300, and benedyl in prescription form due to its strength. I sleep four hours and take at all again. In total I sleep 8 hours with periods of wakefulness. As a precaution, do not mis zyprexa or zyprexa containing drugs with abilify (I doubt you would with your issues of sleep) because there is an increase risk psychosis.

seroquel helps a lot of people sleep, but even at 2000 I bever was tired.


~ Badittude ~
New Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/16/2008 5:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank's for the welcome ya'll. I am going to call my doctor tomorrow and will go in and talk to him about what's going on and I'll request Seroquel. My sister in law has loaned me a few when I ran out of Ambien and they did seem to work pretty good.
I'm scared to have him change my medication for the BP though because I've been on so many.. Depakote, lithobid, Zyprexa, oh gosh, the list is just too long to put on here.... either they caused horrible weight gain (I have big issues with that) or they caused me to zone out and not have anything at all to do with my family. I'm just scared to go down that road again....
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